


Only you

by laddyuna



Category: Final Fantasy VIII
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Depression, Family Drama, Friendship, Injury Recovery, Love, M/M, Minor Character Death, Self-Destruction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-22
Updated: 2018-01-05
Packaged: 2018-09-01 12:40:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 143,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8624830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laddyuna/pseuds/laddyuna
Summary: Three years after the end of the war, Zell falls into a deep depression. Desperate and feeling useless to help him, his friends adopt drastic measures.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I know...another fanfiction with the same couple...But this time, i stay focused on Zell. No rape or graphic violence here, but a cute story between the two blondes (with some sad moments of course, but not that terrible, promised!)  
> I thought at the begining to write a one-shot but i developped the plot with the time so i didn't have any other choice to make chapters...i won't write a lot of chapters but longer ones. See you.

“So, do we have enough candidates for the next seed exam?”

 “Yes, Headmaster, but I’d like to add two cadets. They’re underage but they have good abilities. I think they’re ready.”

“Quistis, there’re already twenty cadets on this mission.”

“Just two persons, Squall. It’s not that impossible…”

“I understand, but I have a full planning this semester.”

“But I can take care of this with Xu. You don’t have to be there. You’re not commander anymore and…”

“I asked Squall to control the operation in the field, Quistis. I discharged him from his duties as commander but since he’s the most experimented seed in the Garden, I want he keeps an eye on the field operations.”

“I understand.”

Squall crossed his arms against his chest. “But I suppose two more people aren’t impossible to fit in the operation. If Instructor Trepe confirms they’re ready, I’m not opposed.”

“Thank you, Squall.”

They were disturbed in their conversation by a knock at the door.

“Sorry to bother you, but we have a problem…”

“What’s wrong Irvine?”

“It’s…Zell. Again.”

Squall and Quistis rolled their eyes, exasperated. “What did he do again?”

“He’s at the infirmary…but he’s alright now. Some students found him in the training center unconscious.”

Cid and Xu got up on the same time. “The reunion is over, anyway. You should go to see him…and try to fix the problem, Squall. We can’t continue like this.”

“I will. Quistis, come with me.”

 

Squall, Quistis and Irvine left Cid’s office to take the elevator.

“What happened this time?”

“Well, apparently, he went to train and had been hurt by a t-rex.”

“He perfectly knows he can’t go to the training center. What was he thinking??”

“I know, Quis.” Irvine rubbed his neck nervously. “Hum…there’s more, Squall…”

“What?”

“Hum…he was…drunk.”

Squall sighted, squeezing his fists to control his anger. “I’m fed up with this! It can’t go on!”

“What are we gonna do with him?”

“I warned him the last time. Now, I won’t listen to him anymore.”

The elevator arrived in the main hall and the three of them went directly to the infirmary. Rinoa and Selphie were already there, talking with Kadowaki.

“Doc, how is he?”

“He’s fine, Squall. No need to worry. Just some light wounds and a little head trauma but nothing serious. I think he’ll wake up soon.”

“But this is the fourth time on the month he ends here.”

“I know. That’s why I asked Irvine to pick you. Have you decided what you’re gonna do about him?”

“Yes. I gave him a last chance but it’s clearly useless. He can’t recover alone and he needs help, despite of what he can pretend.”

“So?”

Squall sighted again. “I’ll send him to Barhein Center.”

“You know he would refuse to go. We already tried to convince him…”

“I have no intention to ask his opinion, Rinoa. I’ll send him by force.” Squall walked away toward the exit. “I’m gonna call Laguna to ask him to send the Ragnarok. Tell me if Zell wakes up. I want to tell him personally.”

 

About one hour later, Zell finally woke up. He blinked several times, blinded by the light. He looked around him and understood where he was fast. He lifted his body slowly and sat. The door opened.

“Zell. How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine Doc. It’s just my head…it hurts like hell.”

“I can guess. Your blood alcohol level was extremely high.”

“No need to sermon me, Doc…I suppose Squall and Quistis are gonna blame me again for this…”

 “You suppose correctly.” Squall appeared behind Kadowaki.

Zell was caught by surprise. He didn’t think Squall and the rest of the gang would be there so quickly. He didn’t have the time to prepare his defense.

“Squall, man, listen…”

“Spare me your explanations, Zell. It’s worthless.” Squall approached and sat at the end of the bed. “I warned you the last time, remember?”

“I know…”

“You’re not allowed to go to the training center but you did it despite of my interdiction.”

“I know.”

“You promised you would stop drinking.”

“I know.”

“And you neglected your work. Your students didn’t have class since two weeks.”

“I said I KNOW!!”

“THEN, IF YOU KNOW, WHY AREN’T YOU DOING SOMETHING TO CHANGE??”

Rinoa and Quistis joined them. “Squall, please…”

“I can’t, Zell…it went too far. This has been going on for too long.”

Zell kept quiet, fixing the floor, defeated.

“I’ve tried…all of us have tried to do everything to help you, but it doesn’t work.”

“What? You’re gonna fire me?”

“I already discharged you from your teaching license.”

Zell raised his head. Actually, Squall really fired him. He wasn’t an instructor anymore. “Listen, I know I fucked up but…”

“That’s enough, Zell. You’re obviously not in condition to teach anymore. Your drinking problem is killing you softly.”

“I’M NOT AN ALCOHOLIC!”

“YES YOU ARE! LOOK AT YOURSELF!!”

“I’M NOT!” Zell tried to find his cool again, talking calmly. “Okay, I caused you troubles, and I’m really sorry for this but I can stop whenever I want! I will and…”

“Zell, you already said the same thing a week ago. This is the fourth time you end here in the month: two times for alcoholic poisoning and two other ones because you have been hurt during a fight in the training center. You can’t deny you have a big problem.”

“I…I don’t deny it. But I know I can recover. I just need time…”

“You can’t recover alone, Zell. You need help. We tried everything we could but we can’t go on like this anymore…We can’t let you destroying yourself this way.”

Zell started to cry, hiding his face with his right hand. “Please…don’t fire me…I’m begging you, Squall…”

“It doesn’t please me to do it.”

“Please…”

“It’s for your own good.”

Zell wiped his tears and faced his friends with sadness. “I don’t wanna go back to my home in Balamb. Okay…I’m fired. You’re right; I’m not in condition to teach, but let me stay in the Garden. I promise I won’t go to the training center again and…”

“You’re not staying, Zell.”

“Please…don’t wanna return to Balamb…”

“You won’t.”

“Really??” asked Zell with hope. “Can I stay?”

“No.” Squall got up and made a sign to Kadowaki. “You’re leaving for Barhein Center in Esthar.”

“Wh…what?”

“You heard me. I already signed for your admission. The Ragnarok is on the road to pick you.”

Zell protested vigorously, jumping from his bed. “NO WAY! I WON’T GO THERE!!” Irvine and Selphie went on his way to restrain him.

“Zell! Calm down! It’s for your own good!” Selphie tried to calm him but it was useless.

“LET ME GO!!!”

“Don’t fight back. You’ll go with or without your consent.” Squall nodded to Kadowaki and she approached with a syringe.

“DON’T YOU DARE APPROACHING ME WITH THIS!!”

Irvine, Selphie and Quistis pushed Zell on his bed again, containing him until Kadowaki gave him his sedative.

“LET GO! LET GO OF ME!!! BASTARDS! I HATE YOU! I HATE ALL OF YOU!!!”

They restrained him until he stopped fighting and fell asleep. They lay him on his back and covered his body with the blanket.

“I gave him a large dose to make him support the road. You should prepare his belongings for his departure.”

“You’re right. Let’s do it.”

 

* * *

 

The Ragnarok arrived at the end of the day. Zell was still sleeping. It was easier for everyone to keep him asleep for the road. Besides, it was harder for the group to say him goodbye. Zell would have begged to stay and they would have accepted. Actually, they tried more than once to send him in a rehab center to cure his drinking problem. But it was always the same scene: Zell promised he would change and ended at the infirmary the next days. His friends used every method to help me: kindness, rudeness, threat, anger, pity…but nothing worked. Zell refused to talk with a therapist and he even didn’t listen to his mother. They had no other choice anymore. Squall and Quistis had covered him more than once in front of Cid. Rinoa, Selphie and Irvine always relayed to never let him alone. They also searched in his room his bottles of alcohol, throwing it on the toilets each time they found it…but Zell always managed to have some.

The ship returned to Esthar late on the night. Barhein Center was the biggest rehab center of the continent. Every disease was treated there. Drinking and drug problems, insanity and other disease of the mind…Laguna had recommended to Squall to send Zell there several times. But Squall wanted to keep his friend with him, near of his city and his mother. He thought Zell would recover better if he was surrounded by the persons he cherished. He finally agreed when he understood he couldn’t do anything else for him. Even his mother gave him her consent to send him there.

 

The next morning, Zell woke up in a different and unfamiliar environment. A room. A bright room with white walls and large windows. We could hear the sound of the birds singing outside. Zell opened slowly his eyes and looked around him. He didn’t know this place. He tried to remember what happened the last time he was conscious.

_“Yes…I argued again with Squall and the others…but where am i?”_

He sat and stretched his arm. He walked toward the first window. The view was pretty nice. There was a great garden with flowers and fountains just under his window. It looked like a park. Some people were walking on the grass; others were sat on benches and were talking; and others were playing cards and different games.

_“No..no…don’t tell me…I’m in Barhein center? They sent me there??? It can’t be true…no they didn’t do that! I’m just dreaming, right?”_

Zell began to panic, wondering where he was. He tried to run toward the door, but his legs couldn’t follow his rhythm. He practically fell on his knees when someone knocked and entered. A woman with blond hair approached slowly. She was tall with a slim figure. She was wearing glasses behind her blue eyes. She was dressed with an orange top, a pair of black pants and a long white lab coat. A tall and strong man accompanied her.

“Good morning Mister Dincht. I’m Doctor Elise Garnet. Pleased to meet you.” She mentioned the man behind her. “And this is Rogue, my assistant.”

Zell went back to his feet and glared at them. “Where the fuck am i?”

“Barhein Center. Mister Leonhart signed your admission.”

“I’m big enough to take care of myself! I have no intention to stay here!! Let me go!”

“I’m sorry, but it’s impossible, Mister Dincht.”

“I’ll sign a release. This way, you won’t be responsible if something happens to me.”

“I regret but you can’t do that either.”

“You have no right to keep me locked here without my consent.”

“You’re wrong. You’ve been declared unfit to take decisions about your health, and considering your handicaps and your drinking problem, you have been placed under guardianship. Now, you’re under our responsibility.”

“I…beg your pardon? I’m under…guardianship??”

“Yes. I perfectly understand you’re upset but…”

“FUCK YOU!! I’M NOT A KID!!!”

“Behave yourselves Mister Dincht.” Said the man.

Zell pushed him away with his right hand but Rogue blocked his moves. He was stronger and taller than him.

“FUCK YOU!! LET GO!!”

“Mister Dincht! We’re here to help you. There’s no need to fight. You can’t leave this place.” Explained the woman.

“AS IF I WOULD STAY HERE!! GET YOUR FUCKING HAND OFF ME!!”

Doctor Garnet made a sign to Rogue. He released Zell and moved away.

“We equipped you with a location system in the wristband you’re wearing. If you try to run away, we’ll know exactly where you’ll go and an alarm will ring to alert us of your departure. You can remove it only with a code since the wristband is indestructible and waterproof. I’d like to avoid using the strength with you, Mister Dincht, but if you don’t cooperate, I won’t hesitate and you’ll be tied until you calm down. Understood?”

Zell laughed at her. “What? Are you threatening me?”

“Just a warning, or an advice if you prefer.”

The little blonde raised his right fist in the air, ready to punch her, just to threaten her, when Rogue blocked it with his hand. Zell tried to use his strength but the man was definitely too strong for him. He squeezed Zell’s fist harder until he finally gave up and fell on his knees. Rogue released him but stayed at his side.

The woman held him a piece of paper. “This is your planning with the hours of wake up time, breakfast, lunch, dinner, medication intake and meeting with me and other specialists. You also have to participate to support group.”

“Go and stick your “planning” in your ass! I won’t do it.”

“You have no other choice, Mister Dincht.” She deposed the paper on the bed. “You probably need more time to accept your situation so you can stay in your room until the lunch if you want. My assistant will bring you a breakfast in a few minutes. I’ll come back to see you later.” Then, she left with her assistant.

 

During the whole day, Zell stayed in his bedroom. He ate the food they brought to him but refused to talk with anyone. Doctor Garnet came back as she promised, at the end of the day but Zell continued to insult her. He was really out of control so they gave him a sedative to calm him. It was like this during the first three days. Zell refused to listen or to see doctors and therapist. He tried to escape by the window or forcing the way when they were visiting him but he was caught every time. He finally had enough to fight and yell, so he decided to cooperate, just until he could find a way to leave.

Barhein was a giant center with several buildings. Each of it was treating different disease. Zell was on the service of addictive and mental diseases since he was there for depression and drinking problem. The building had four levels with two hundred rooms. There was a beautiful garden on the center of the building with fountains, flowers and trees. It was a peaceful environment. There was also a refectory, a library, a fitness room with a swimming pool. Each bedroom was well equipped with a double and comfortable bed, a bedside table with a lamp, a desk, a television, a bathroom with a shower, a washbasin and toilets.

 

* * *

 

During the first week, Zell didn’t meet doctors or therapists. They thought he needed to be accustomed to his new home. They didn’t force him to go to the support group. But they kept an eye on him during his meals and his walk. They knew Zell would probably try to escape. Actually, he did twice but he had been caught by guards. But after one week here, without have receiving call or visit from his friends and his mother since it was forbidden during the first month, he shut down.

 

One week later.

Zell woke up and took a shower before dressing. He left his bedroom and went to the refectory to have his breakfast. Since there were several patients (maybe two hundred or more), they had to go to the refectory at different hour, one group (from each level) after another. The turnover gave the opportunity to bring a better monitoring patient and to stay relevant to their needs. After had finished, Zell went to meet Doctor Garnet for his health evaluation. An assistant escorted him to her office.

“Good morning Mister Dincht. Please, come in.”

Zell didn’t reply and sat in front of her. She nodded to her assistant who let them alone. She opened a file with his name and arranged her glasses.

“Well, before talking, let’s start with your physical evaluation.” She got up and showed him the way.

Zell followed her and stripped. She examined him with all due care, checking his reflexes, his height, his weight, his tension, and the beats of his heart. She also took blood and urine samples before sending it to the laboratory for more analysis. During all this time, Zell didn’t protest but never pronounced a single word. When she finished, he took his clothes on again and returned to his previous place, in front of her.

“You seem to be in good form. I retrieved your medical file from Doctor Kadowaki. So let’s talk about this.” She tried to put Zell at ease but he didn’t react. He was clearly pissed to be there and he showed it.

“So, from what I read in your file, you had a severe accident during a mission about one year ago. A bomb destroyed the building where you were. You have been thrown away violently because of the blast and fell from the eighth floor. One of your colleagues who was actually your girlfriend, died in the explosion. You have been hurt severely and stayed unconscious on life support during three weeks. You suffered from third-degree-burns, multiple fractures, severe head-trauma because of your fall, and significant wounds caused by broken glass and the fragments of the bomb.” She made a pause and gave a glance to Zell who stayed impassive.

“You also lost the mobility and the sensation of the left part of your body from your face to your waist. You are disabled at 70% and can’t work as a seed anymore. You kept your status but had been nominated as a teacher when you started developing drinking problem. Is that correct?”

Zell glared at her but kept quiet.

“Mister Dincht, I’ve no other goal to help you. I don’t remember this to hurt you but to identity the causes of your problems. Your drinking problem is the result of a severe depression caused by the death of your girlfriend and of your incapacity to fight and work as a seed anymore. If you want to move past this, you have to talk about these events. You need to express your thoughts and your feelings.”

No answer. She sighted, shaking her head sadly.

“We have all the time for this, Mister Dincht. That can take very long... It depends of you and of your cooperation.” She tapped something on her keyboard and printed two pieces of paper before holding it to him. “This is your new planning. From now on, you’ll meet me every day at 9:00 a.m. After the lunch, you’ll go to a support group to finish with an exercise and muscular reeducation session.”

Zell took the paper with contempt, still fixing her with hatred. She was still smiling. Zell wasn’t her first skeptical and difficult patient so she was used to deal with these kind of attitudes.

“You’re free to leave. Don’t hesitate to come or to call me if you need anything. Have a nice day, Mister Dincht.”

Zell got up and left the place without answering. He couldn’t support to be there so he absolutely had no intention to “cooperate”.

 

* * *

 

Time passed and nothing really changed in Zell’s life. It was always the same routine. He went to visit Doctor Garnet and refused to talk. He had meals alone, avoiding people. He went to support groups but never said a single word during it. He followed the exercise session but he didn’t recover his physical condition.

He felt no sensation to the left part of his body and couldn’t use his left arm or hand. Since he was a martial artist and a left-handed, every single thing became difficult for him since his accident. He had tried to practice with his right hand, writing, fighting…but it never worked. In fact, Zell gave up fast because he couldn’t accept his situation. He had defeated Ultimecia. Three years ago, he was a hero. But after the explosion in the building at Timber, he fell in depression. He still remembered the pain he endured when he woke up and they told him Lydia didn’t survive. She was his soul mate. After the war, they finally found the courage to talk together. Zell always came to the library to see her, pretending searching a book. Since she was in the reading committee, she passed most of her time there. She had made the first step but Zell was the one who asked her to go on a date. They became a couple just few days after the party celebrating Ultimecia’s death, at the Garden. They never left each other side, still hanging out together. They even moved in the same room and were living together. Zell presented her to his mother and she welcomed her with happiness. Even after two years, they were still in love as the first day. They talked about the future…and were already making plans to have children, or to marry. Contrary to what people thought about him, Zell wasn’t that immature and always had wanted to become a father. He was still young but it didn’t mean that he didn’t think about it. At this time, he was happy. He had the perfect job, his mother and his friends by his side, and a wonderful girlfriend. Besides, the world was living in peace. He couldn’t have wanted anything else…but this mission completely ravaged his little world. Lydia had insisted to be sent with him for this mission. She said she wanted to be there for him. Indeed, she always had been terrified to lose Zell during a mission. Since she was working at the library, she always stayed at the Garden, but this time, she wanted to support her boyfriend; to prove him and to herself she could fight and be useful outside of the Garden, in the battlefield. Zell had accepted with joy. They had finished their mission but Zell had stayed a bit longer than usual in the place to be sure he didn’t forget something. He didn’t notice the bomb…and Lydia died. He never forgave himself for this because he thought if he had been faster, they could have escaped before the explosion. And if it wasn’t enough, he lost a part of his mobility. Now he was just a piece of trash. A seed who wasn’t effective anymore on the field. An useless soldier they declassed in a teacher. So, one night, he went to Balamb to drink, a lot…Alcohol was the only way to escape from this awful reality, from this nightmare…the wake up time was always the worst part of his day because it brought him back to the real world…a world without Lydia; a world where he wasn’t Zell Dincht, one of the heros who defeated Ultimecia, but just Instructor Dincht, the disabled seed…

 

 

* * *

 

Two weeks later.

It was already the third week that Zell arrived in Barhein center. The time seemed to pass slower here. He had tried to escape again but failed, as always. He refused to eat and to take his medication. He was forced to go to the support group but never talked. His sessions with Doctor Garnet weren’t effective either since he refused to speak, even when she provoked him saying hurting things. He was just defeated. He had no desire to live anymore. Doctor Garnet noticed the degradation of his mental health and decided to give him a break. Another therapist tried to persuade Zell to talk but it didn’t work. His depression was dragging him slowly to the darkness. The doctors felt really useless. They couldn’t do anything if Zell didn’t want to be saved and was doing nothing for. But they knew with experience that it was just a question of time and he needed a sign. Now, they were waiting for this sign.

Zell was walking in the corridor of the building. Since he refused to eat, he didn’t waste too much time at the refectory for the breakfast. The weather was pretty bad this morning and it began to rain, so the patients preferred to stay in their room to watch the tv, or to go to the library. There were just some people in the corridor. Zell reached the fourth floor. There was nothing there except bedrooms. His room was at the second floor. He didn’t really know where to go. He just walked and walked again. He finally arrived in front of a balcony, at the end of the corridor. There was nobody there. He watched the rain through the window and fixed the garden. He always hated the rain…

Then, he opened the window of the balcony and got on the railing. The rain was wetting his flesh. He closed his eyes, smiling.

 _“Lydia…I’m coming my love…”_ He let his body leaning forward with his weight, ready to die when he felt a strong grip around his waist pulling him away from the balcony.

“IDIOT!!! It’s dangerous! Ya could die!!” yelled a man’s voice.

Zell shook his head to recover his mind. He needed some time to understand what happened when he guessed someone had seen him and stopped him.

“WHAT DO YOU THINK I WAS TRYING TO DO???” shouted Zell angry.

“Ya…ya wanted to die? Really?? Why?”

Zell finally turned around to see his savior. “Not your goddamn busi…” He blinked when he saw the man. “Wh…wh…WHAT…?”

“What what? Lost your tongue???”

Zell moved away, panicked. “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?”

“I’m livin’ here. I never saw ya before…what’s your name?”

“You…You’re kidding me, right?”

“Why do ya say that?”

“Wait…you mean…you don’t remember me?”

“I can’t remember if I never saw ya before, silly!” The man laughed at him but without nastiness. He approached and touched his forehead on the left side. “Ya’re bleedin’…your head knocked the floor when ya fell. Ya should go to see Elise to be healed…”

Zell pushed away his hand violently, moving back. “Stay away from me!”

“Hey! That hurts!”

“Don’t make me laugh! Just a little slap and you’re crying? Who’s the cry baby now, huh, Seifer?”

The tall blonde frowned, rubbing his hand softly. “How do ya know my name?”

“Okay…I see. After the war, you became amnesiac, right? That’s so easy for you…” said Zell with sarcasm.

“Ya knocked your head really bad coz’ I don’t understand what ya’re sayin’! Ya’re crazy…” Seifer got up and held his hand to Zell. “Get up. I’ll brin’ ya to the infirmary for your wound.”

Zell slapped his hand away a second time. “Don’t need you, Bastard!”

Seifer had enough and pushed him away, slapping his shoulders with strength. “That’s it! I saved your sorry ass and ya don’t stop insult me! Wanna fight??”

“With pleasure! This way I could give you what you deserve, fucking traitor!!” Zell was about to punch Seifer when two men with white lab coat arrived and went between them.

“Zell! Enough!”

Seifer was struggling but stopped immediately when he heard his name. “Ya…your name is Zell???”

One of the men turned around to talk with Seifer. “What happened between you two?”

Seifer looked at Zell briefly and replied. “I wanted to go to the refectory to have my breakfast and…I saw him. He fell and knocked his head on the ground, so I went to help him…and he thought I hit him…”

Zell wondered why Seifer lied. The men didn’t seem to be convinced so they fixed Zell to confirm it. “Is it true?”

Seifer kept his head down. Zell understood he better confirmed it or they would ask him what he was doing here. He didn’t want they questioned him about his suicide attempt.

“Yes…I probably misunderstood…due our common past, it’s not like I could really trust him so…”

The men released Zell and Seifer. “Seifer. Go to the refectory now.”

He nodded and left. Then, they looked at Zell. “Follow us. You’re in late for your session with Doctor Garnet.”

Zell didn’t protest and followed them. When he arrived in front of the door of her office, he sighted.

_“It’s gonna be long and boring again…”_

 

He knocked and entered.

“Good morning, Mister Dincht. Please, have a seat.” She sat in front of him, readjusting her glasses. “Before starting our session, I would like to ask you what you were doing in the fourth floor.”

The blonde frowned. How could she know?

“Do you remember you have a location system around your wrist? I noticed the sudden change of your itinerary, that’s why I sent assistants to pick you. So?”

“Why Seifer is here?”

She smiled. “I finally managed to make you talk after three weeks…it’s a good start.”

“Answer me.”

She continued to grin victoriously. “My assistants told me you had a fight with him. What happened between you two?”

“You should know since your assistants already informed you.”

“They told me what Seifer said but I want to hear YOUR version.”

Zell hesitated. He couldn’t tell her he had a moment of desperation and he tried to die. She seemed to have some doubts about Seifer’s story.

“I fell and he tried to help me when he found me, lying on the floor. I recognized him and I thought he attacked me. The “assistants” as you call them, arrived at this time.”

She fixed him intensely. “Are you sure this is what really happened?”

“Yes.”

“And what were you doing at the fourth floor?”

“Exploring.”

“Exploring? There’s nothing else except rooms there.”

“It’s raining outside. I couldn’t go to the garden and I had enough to walk on the same place all the time.”

She didn’t seem to be convinced but she also knew Zell wouldn’t tell her what really happened, so she didn’t insist. “Fine, if you say so…”

“I answered you. Your turn. What is he doing here? And why didn’t you tell me Seifer was here?”

“Well, to be honest, you didn’t really need to know it. Since you two are living in different levels, you have different times for your meals, so you weren’t supposed to meet each other. Seifer never stays outside for a long time and always returns to his bedroom after his meals.”

“What’s wrong with him? He didn’t recognize me. Why is he here?”

“About three years ago, Edea Kramer and President Loire contacted us. They needed a safe place for Seifer. He couldn’t go back to the normal world and wasn’t in position to defend himself in his state. He arrived here six months after the end of the war.”

“What is the problem with him? I didn’t see he was in a bad state or something…”

“Didn’t you notice something different in him?”

 “Considering apart he completely forgot me, he was pretty nice knowing what kind of bastard he is usually…”

“It’s not exactly what I implied. I was referring to the way he talks.”

Zell frowned, thinking. “Now you mention it, it was a bit strange, that’s true. He was talking like…”

“Like a child?”

“Yes! But what does it mean?”

“It’s a long story, Mister Dincht. But contrary to what you could think, Seifer isn’t amnesiac.”

“Are you kidding me? He didn’t know who I was…but he reacted strangely when he heard my name…Tell me.”

“Well, if you really wanna know, Seifer suffers from the effects of time compression.”

“How? I don’t understand…”

“After the war, Fujin and Raijin found him in Balamb, near of the Garden. At the beginning, Seifer didn’t seem to be different physically…but he was acting strangely. He didn’t know how to do some basic tasks like fighting, holding his gunblade or using a fork or a knife correctly for example. He needed help for everything and seemed to be lost. Besides, he had no memories of Raijin and Fujin. They thought he had received a head trauma or something, so they contacted Doctor Kadowaki. She came to Balamb one night, to their apartment, to examine him, but found nothing. He also didn’t recognize her. So, they contacted Edea Kramer. But this time, Seifer strangely recognized her immediately and jumped in her arms. Miss Kramer called President Loire and he sent them the Ragnarok. She wanted Doctor Odine’s opinion to understand what was wrong with Seifer. After several examinations and Ellone’s help, they finally understood the sudden change of his personality…”

“You talked about time compression, right?”

“Yes. During time compression, Seifer had lived this incident differently from you and other people. Actually, since he had a strong bond with the sorceress, she also dragged him with her on this unpleasant experience. Seifer’s soul had been separated from his body and travelled with the sorceress in different times. But when time compression stopped, his soul had got some difficulties to find his body again. He lost his way, blocked at a different time from the present. Every period of his life to his birth until his present had been segmented in different time which produced several Seifer’s personalities at different age, instead of being an only one entity as everybody. He came back to the regular time but just with one of these personalities…actually it corresponds to the time when he was a five-years-old boy.”

“You mean…”

 “What I mean is : Seifer is a child trapped in an adult body. As you see him, he looks like the one you used to know but he is actually a child inside. That’s why he didn’t recognize you. He doesn’t know you at your age now. He just knows the little Zell who grew up with him. He had no memories about the war, his friends or the Garden because at his age, these events didn’t happen yet. He remembered Miss Kramer because she raised him and he was living with her at this time.”

“Hyne…”

“Yes. It’s a difficult situation for him. He was five when he arrived. Now, he’s eight but he’s still a kid. He can’t be independent and he’s a target for all the people he hurt during the war since he kept the same appearance. Imagine what people could do to him if they knew about his state…”

“But…He’s just a child…”

“People wouldn’t be so understanding, Mister Dincht, especially in Esthar and Galbadia.”

“Who knows about this?”

“Miss Kramer, Raijin, Fujin and President Loire.”

“They said nothing to Squall??”

“No. We thought it would be better for him if nobody was informed about this to limit the risks.”

Zell seemed to be affected by this story. He never liked Seifer but he supposed it wasn’t easy for him to live here alone.

“Does he know? I mean…did you talk to him about Time compression and…things?”

“No. He’s just a kid. He couldn’t understand. We placed him on the mental diseases service to avoid any contact between him and other patients. We already had some problems because few patients recognized him and insulted him, but we explained to Seifer that these people were sick or insane. He stays most of the time in his bedroom because of that.”

“Why?”

“A patient attacked him one morning. Seifer was walking in the garden when he had been assault by a young man. He beat him severely and even tried to plant a knife on his stomach. We stopped him just in time, but since this day, Seifer is afraid to stay outside with other people. He’s too proud to confess it, but he had been traumatized by this incident. Now, a guard always watches him during his meals and when he leaves his bedroom.”

“I didn’t know…I thought he was the same bastard but…what did I do…”

Doctor Garnet didn’t understand Zell’s reaction. “Mister Dincht? What is it?”

“I…I yelled at him. I insulted him when he tried to help me…”

“It’s not your fault. You couldn’t know.” She smiled hearing Zell’s compassion. “You know…he feels a bit lonely. It’s not easy for a young child to live with an adult body and to be alone all the time. Miss Kramer comes to visit him every month and he’s really happy when she is there.”

“But…why didn’t you let him go? He’s not a threat anymore…”

“It’s for his good, Mister Dincht. This is the safer place for him. Miss Kramer can’t take the risk to appear with him because people would think the sorceress and her knight are back…and I don’t think her husband would agree anyway.”

“Cid doesn’t know?”

“No. As I already told you, only Miss Kramer, President Loire, Raijin and Fujin know.”

“What about Fujin and Raijin? They never came to visit him?”

“Since Seifer can’t remember them, they didn’t. But they keep taking news about him. They work for President Loire, as Ellone’s bodyguards.”

“I see…”

“You know…I’m happy to see you so understanding with him. A lot of people hate Seifer, even some guards and doctors here.”

“I hate the one he was…but now, he’s a child. It would be unfair to blame him for something he even didn’t do yet…do you think I could see him?”

“Yes. If you have no bad intention toward him, I’m not opposed.”

“Thanks.” Zell was about to leave when Doctor Garnet stopped him.

“Mister Dincht?”

“Hum?”

She seemed to be uncertain. After three long weeks, she managed to make Zell talk so she didn’t want to ruin everything. “We still need to take care of your problem…”

Zell sighted. He was there for this at the first place, even if he never wanted to come here. “I know…but I don’t think I’m ready to talk.”

She nodded. “Okay…I don’t insist. Take all the time you need, but could you at least take your medication and eat?”

“Only if you don’t force me to go to support group.”

She was disappointed. Support groups were really helpful but Zell was particularly uncomfortable with this. “Okay. But from now on, you have to finish your meals and take your medication.”

“Agreed.”

She found her smile again. “Excellent. We progress. It’s a good thing.”

“Can I leave now?”

“Sure. Try to have some rest, you look tired.”

“I will. Can you give me the number of Seifer’s room please?”

“Fourth floor, room 455. I’ll tell the guards to let you pass.”

“Thank you.” Zell waved at her and left her office.

 

Just an hour before the lunch, Seifer was reading a book in his bedroom. He was under his blanket. He liked to build what he called the “fortress” with pillows and blankets to hide there to read or to play. He was reading peacefully when he heard a knock to his door. He lifted his head to check it and shrugged thinking it was probably for his neighbors. But after few seconds, he heard steps approaching. He looked in the direction of the noise and saw the same stranger he saw earlier this morning.

“Seifer?”

“What do ya want?” asked the man on guard.

“I…” Zell approached slowly. “I came to apologize for this morning. I’m sorry to have been so nasty with you…” he sat at the edge of the bed.

Seifer seemed to be hesitant and a bit scared by Zell’s presence. He covered himself with the blanket and hugged a pillow against his chest.

“I won’t hurt you. I promise. You don’t have to be afraid…” reassured Zell.

“..m’ not.”

“Hum?”

“I’m not afraid.”

Zell chuckled. “Okay…can I stay with you?”

“Why?”

“You don’t want to?”

“No…huh…yes but don’t wanna fight with ya…Elise would be angry…”

“I didn’t come here to fight, I promise. I just wanted to say sorry for earlier…”

Seifer pouted with tears on the eyes. “People always provoke me anyway…ya’re like them…”

“I’m really sorry…I confused you with someone else. Please forgive me.”

After a moment of hesitation, he finally agreed. “K…forgive ya…” Blushed Seifer.

 “Thank you, Seifer.”

“How..do ya know my name?”

“Well…Matron talked to me about you.”

“Matron?? Ya know Matron too???”

“Yes, Seifer. She raised me when I was a kid before I’ve been adopted.”

“Really??” Seifer approached and seemed to be more confident. “Ya…the guards called ya “Zell”. Is that your name?”

“Yes. I’m Zell Dincht.”

“Ah…ya have the same name of my friend…”

“You have a friend named Zell?”

“Yes. I grew up with him at the orphanage with Matron. I’ve a lot of friends: Squall, Selphie, Irvine, Quistis, Ellone…”

Zell smiled. “Really?”

“Yes….but dunno know where they’re now…”

“Oh…Do you miss them?”

Seifer nodded sadly. “…Matron told me they got adopted…Do ya think they forgot me?”

Zell stroked Seifer’s hair gently. The tall blonde shivered when he felt the touch on his hair and even closed his eyes, afraid to be slapped, but didn’t move away. He felt reassured when he saw Zell smiling.

“I’m sure they didn’t.”

“Hum…”

“You wanna talk to me about Zell?”

“Zell? He’s a cry baby! He cries all the time!! Ya look like him, with your hair…” laughed Seifer.

The other man restrained to not protest or to roll his eyes.

“But…miss him…he’s like my little bro…I don’t like to see him cryin’…” Seifer blushed. “Don’t tell Matron I said that, k?”

“Promised!” Zell looked at his former enemy. There was something different in his eyes…innocence and pain. “Can I ask you something?”

“What?”

“Why…why did you say that to the guards? You could have told them the truth…that I’ve tried to jump from the window…”

“…don’t like guards…they look like monkeys!” Seifer stuck his tongue out, grimacing. “…and Elise would have been angry against ya…” He moved closer to look Zell in the eyes. “Why…did ya wanna die?”

Zell looked down, thinking about his past and his current life.“Because…I’m not happy.”

Seifer slapped Zell’s head lightly. “Silly!!”

“Hey! That hurts! Why did you do that??”

“Ya idiot! If ya die, people would be sad for ya and ya will make them unhappy, like ya! Sefish!!”

“Sefish??? You mean SELFISH??”

“I said selfish!”

“No you didn’t!”

“I did!”

“No you didn’t! You said sefish!!” teased Zell, laughing. Seifer jumped on him and pushed his back against the bed.

“Liar! I said selfish!!” Seifer tapped his stomach with his hands.

“Ah! Stop it, Seifer!! It tickles…and you’re heavy, you know?”

“What?? Ya’re sayin’ I’m fat???”

“No! I said you’re heavy! You’re tall, it’s normal…”

“Hum…” Seifer stayed on the top of Zell, pouting. Then, he moved away and lay near of him. “Ya…ya won’t do it again, right?”

“What?”

“Dyin’...ya won’t try again?”

Zell became serious again. It was the first time of his life he really tried to kill himself. When he was at the Garden, he pushed himself to the limit, hoping a t-rex or alcohol would finish the job…but there was always someone to save his life. He didn’t know if he really wanted to live after had lost so much…

“Promise me…ya won’t do it again or I swear I’ll tell Elise!”

“Seifer…”

“Promise me!! Or I’ll tell to everyone, even Matron! Now, promise me!”

Seeing him so innocent and kind, Zell couldn’t refuse him anything and finally agreed. “Okay, I promise.”

“Ya better remember it or I’ll never talk to ya again and I won’t forgive ya!”

“I said I promised. Don’t worry.”

“Fine…” Seifer got up and grabbed the blanket on the floor. “Wanna go to the fortress?”

“Fortress??”

“Yes!” He threw the blanket above their head and sat on the bed with Zell. “I never let people enter here, so ya’re lucky!”

Zell laughed. Seifer was really a cute child. He didn’t remember he was that cute. “Woa! That’s an honor! Thank you Seifer!”

“K! Now, you’re my guest! Do ya know tales?”

“Ah…yes, I think so.”

“Can ya tell me one? I’m fed up with these books! It sucks…”

“Hum…do you know the story of the knight and the dragoon?”

“No! Tell me! Tell me!!” asked Seifer with enthusiasm.

“Okay. Once upon a time…”

 

The two blondes stayed together until lunch. Since they were living at different levels, they had also different planning and hours to have their meals. Zell left Seifer and promised him he would come to visit him again later on the day. He came in the afternoon and they talked and laughed together the rest of the day. Seifer was really happy to have a new friend. And Zell…Zell found pleasure to have a real conversation with Seifer for once. Usually, when they met, they always fought for nothing. Now, Seifer was a cute and curious child. He was listening to Zell with passion and happiness, especially when he told him tales. Zell had done this all the day for Seifer’s pleasure.

 

* * *

 

The next day, Zell began his day as usual…but something was a bit different. He was impatient to meet Seifer after the breakfast and his session with Doctor Garnet. He promised to him yesterday they would go together to the garden. Seifer loved climbing to the trees but since he had been attacked there, he never returned to the garden. He didn’t explain it to Zell, lying and saying that he preferred to read in his bedroom. It was funny to see Seifer was still that proud, even if he was just a child. He never wanted to admit his weaknesses and his fears.

Zell arrived at Doctor Garnet’s office.

“Hello, Mister Dincht. How are you today?”

“I’m fine, thanks.” He sat in front of her.

“You seem to be in a better mood this morning.”

“It would be even better if you would let me get out of here…”

“Unfortunately, you and I know it’s impossible.” She removed her glasses and looked at him. “So? Did you talk with Seifer?”

“Yes. I apologized and we talked a lot during all the day.”

“He’s cute, don’t you think?”

“Yes…but it’s a bit disconcerted to see the child behind this big guy…”

“I felt the same way at the beginning, but he’s so endearing…sometimes a bit rude but this is his temper.”

Zell smiled, thinking about him. Doctor Garnet noticed his reaction and decided to use it to put Zell at ease.

“How was he with you when you two were at the Garden?”

“Ah! The complete opposite of what he is now! The perfect jerk and a nasty bully. He always used his position as the head of the disciplinary committee to punish me. I lost count how many times he sent me on detention because I was running on the corridor…”

“And when he was a child? Do you remember how he was at the orphanage?”

“Hum…to be honest, I don’t really remember much. Sometimes, he made fun of me, but everyone was doing it. I was crying all the time so the kids always laughed at me…he wasn’t different from the others. And I’ve been adopted, so I didn’t pass a lot of time with him.”

“I see…”

Zell rubbed his neck with his right hand. “You know…he talked to me about his friends at the orphanage and he mentioned my name. He really seemed to miss us…”

“Does it surprise you?”

“A bit. But you’re right when you told me he was proud. When he said he missed us, he told me to not say it to Matron…”

“Matron?”

“Edea Kramer. We called her Matron. When Seifer asked me why I knew his name, I said Matron talked to me about him.”

“As I told you the last time, she comes every month at the same date. The first Friday of the month. She usually passes the whole day with him. At the beginning, each time she left him, he cried a lot but now he’s fine, even if he misses her. I think it will be easier with you, now. He seems to like you.”

“Well, he doesn’t have any friend here so I’m the only person who doesn’t want to hurt him…even if it’s what I’ve tried to do when I saw him for the first time.” Regretted Zell.

“I’m sorry for this. I should have told you Seifer was here…but I didn’t want to complicate your situation. Besides, I wasn’t sure you would have reacted that well…”

“I don’t blame you. Anyway, the war is over now, and Seifer isn’t the same person he used to be anymore.”

“Definitely.”

She smiled at him. Zell never had talked that much to her since he arrived about three weeks ago.

“Do you think I could bring him to the garden with me? He didn’t admit but he really wants to go outside but he’s afraid because of people. Now I’m with him, he will feel reassured…”

“Please. It would be great for the both of you. I feel sad to see him locked in his bedroom all the time.”

“You don’t need to ask to your assistants to watch him today. I can do it myself.”

“As you wish. So? Did you sleep well yesterday night?”

“Yes. I took the medication.”

“Good. I don’t like drugging people with medication but you seemed to have some problems to sleep. When you’ll find your rhythm, we’ll stop the sleeping and antidepressant pills.”

Zell nodded. They continued to talk about his health but didn’t speak about his mental state. She understood it wasn’t the right time. Zell just started to open himself to her, so there was no need to go faster that it was necessary. After one hour, Zell finished his session and left to reach the fourth level and Seifer’s room.

 

He knocked and entered. Seifer was waiting for him, looking through the window.

“Hi Seifer.”

“Zell!” The man ran toward him with happiness.

“Ready to go for a walk?”

“Yes! Yes!” said Seifer with impatience.

“Alright. Let’s go.”

Seifer was walking faster. Zell had some difficulties to follow him since he had shorter legs. The tall blonde was so excited that he practically ran. There was a long time since he didn’t go outside. When they reached the garden, Seifer looked all around him. He was admiring the trees and the birds flying but also checking people around. He was still scared of strangers and moved closer to Zell instinctively. Zell understood it and decided to drag him apart from the patients.

“There’s a good spot at the end of the garden. There’s nobody there usually and we have a great view on Esthar city.” Proposed Zell.

“…K.”

They walked toward the spot together in silence. Seifer wasn’t at ease at all but since Zell was with him, he felt reassured. They arrived quickly. The place was a bit apart from the rest of the garden. There was also a big tree with flowers. Seifer found his smile again and felt secure there.

“Look!” said Zell pointing the city with his finger. “Esthar is so big…”

“Did ya ever come there before?”

“Yes. What about you?”

“Just once…but I didn’t have the time to visit the city. We just crossed the town with Matron…”

“When was that?”

“When…she brought me here, to meet an ugly doctor…”

 “Doctor Odine?”

“Yes! Ya know him?”

“I met him. You’re right, he’s really ugly and he’s so scaring with his accent, don’t you think?”

“Yeah! I hate him. I’m sure he convinced Matron to abandon me…”

Zell sat on the bench. “But Matron didn’t abandon you, Seifer. Doctor Garnet told me she comes to visit you every month…”

“But…” He looked down, playing with his feet. “I wanted to stay with her…I hate this place!!...dunno why I’ve to stay here…”

“I understand, Seifer. I hate this place too.”

The tall man went to sit by Zell’s side. “Why are ya here, Zell? Ya don’t look like crazy or sick as people here…”

Zell smiled sadly. Seifer continued to fix him. “Is it…coz ya wanna die?”

“Maybe…I don’t know what I’m doing here either…and I don’t want to talk about it anyway.”

“Ya don’t trust me?”

“No…I trust you. It’s just…I really don’t wanna talk about this, Seifer. Please.”

“…K.” nodded Seifer.

Zell stroked his hair with kindness. “Thank you.”

“What for?”

“To understand…and to be nice with me.”

Seifer blushed. “Wanna…be my friend?”

“Hum?”

Seifer was completely red. “Ya wanna be my friend?”

“Oh…but I thought we were already friends. But, yes. Of course!”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“Great!!” shouted Seifer with joy. “I like to stay with ya! It’s fun and ya know so many tales! I don’t need books anymore now I’m with ya!”

“You know how to read?”

“Yes. Elise taught me.”

“You like her, right?”

He played with his fingers. “She’s nice with me. She’s the one with ya who isn’t nasty with me…”

Zell felt sorry for him. The former Seifer was a jerk but he was only a child now. He couldn’t understand why people hated him that much.

“There was also a couple…ya know, before I saw Matron again, I was with a woman with an eye patch and grey hair and a big man. They were nice with me…”

“You mean Raijin and Fujin?”

“Ya know them?”

“Yes.”

“I liked to be with them. Fujin didn’t talk a lot. She said just a word and she kicked all the time Raijin.” Seifer laughed. “That was really funny…and they even brought me fishin’…”

“Oh! Really?”

“Yeah! Raijin caught a fish before me. I was so angry against him…but Fujin kicked him and he fell on the water like an idiot!!” Seifer laughed remembering it.

Zell smiled seeing him laughing so innocently.

“And I saw a big thing flyin’ in the air…it went above our head without touchin’ us…and it disappeared.”

“What was it?”

“Dunno…it was like a big buildin’…maybe a spaceship???”

Zell chuckled. Seifer had probably seen the Garden and took it for a spaceship. “Do you believe in aliens, Seifer?”

“Yes! It exists! I saw strange creatures flyin’ in the air sometimes!”

Zell frowned, wondering what he could have seen. Probably just some monsters.

“How were they?”

“It looked like big birds with blue wings…and I saw another one like a big insect with purple head and red wings”

 _“Red bat and Thrustaevis…”_ thought Zell. “I know what you mean. I saw it too when I was living in Balamb.”

“Oh? Ya were livin’ in Balamb?”

“Yes. After I’ve been adopted, I moved there with my family.”

“I like this place coz’ there’s the sea. I wanna go back there…”

“Well, when we’ll leave this center, maybe you could come with me?”

“Really??”

“Yes. You could stay at my home with my mother, and we’ll go to the sea…”

“I wanna go, but…” The man seemed to be sad suddenly.

“What, Seifer?”

 “Elise and Matron won’t let me leave this place…they said it’s my home…”

“Seifer…”

“But I hate this place!!”

“I know…”

Seifer smiled again looking at Zell. “But…ya’ll stay with me, right?”

“You want to?”

“Yes. It’s borin’ to stay here…but with ya, it’s fun. Ya’ll stay, right?”

Zell couldn’t help to smile. Seifer was really cute as a child. “Sure.”

Just before the lunch, Zell brought Seifer back in his room. The child didn’t want to stay alone in the Garden and it was Zell’s lunch time. They planned to meet later. There was no way Seifer would let Zell go since he was his only friend. He was a bit possessive but Zell found this actually cute. With Seifer, things were less difficult. They spent so much time together that they completely forgot sometimes why they were here. In fact, Seifer didn’t know the reason of his presence in the center, and Zell began to feel better slowly.

 

* * *

 

On the afternoon, two days later.

Zell and Seifer were watching a movie in Seifer’s room, lying on the bed, back against the headboard.

 “Zell?”

“Yes, Seifer?”

“Before comin’ here…what were ya doin’?”

“Hum…you mean what was my job?”

“Yeah.”

Zell looked away, a bit depressed about the sudden question which brought him bad memories. “I was a seed…”

“A seed? Ya mean…a gardener?”

Zell laughed noticing Seifer’s reaction. He forgot he didn’t know about Garden or seeds.

“What’s so funny?” frowned Seifer. “Are ya makin’ fun of me??”

“No, no! It’s just…no, never mind. A seed is a special soldier. He does what people ask him to do…”

“A soldier?”

“Yes.”

“Ah…so ya used weapons to fight?”

“No. I was a martial artist so I fought only with my fists.”

“Just with your fists?? Ya’re crazy!”

“What?”

“People can use guns and swords! Ya can’t hurt them with your fists.”

“Yes I do. I mean…I did. You can hurt someone pretty bad with a good blow.”

“But they can kill ya with weapons. Not ya…”

Zell smiled. “I could…You would be surprised. But you’re right. A gun or a sword is more powerful than fists.”

“Then…why did ya choose it?”

The martial artist looked his right hand sadly. “My mother was really afraid when I told her I wanted to become a seed. She said I could be killed or I would kill people…so I made a promise to her. I swore I would never touch a weapon and I would fight only with my fists to not kill people…and that I wouldn’t die on the battlefield.”

“And? Ya never killed anyone?”

“No…I just killed monsters and sorceresses. But I never killed people. So I hold my promise.”

“Sorceresses? Like ones in the tale you told me last time?”

“Kind of…”

“It exists really?”

“Not anymore.”

Seifer nodded but kept his eyes on Zell. “Ya’re not a seed anymore?”

“No. I can’t fight anymore. During a mission, I’ve been hurt and I lost the mobility of the left side of my body.”

Seifer moved closer and touched Zell’s hand, before rubbing his arm softly. “So…ya don’t feel it when I touch ya?”

Strangely, Zell felt some tickles but not really a touch. It was odd because usually, he felt nothing at all. “No…I can’t feel it.”

Seifer’s hand continued to travel on Zell’s arm, reaching his shoulder. “And there?”

Still the same strange sensation. “No…”

The other man didn’t stop touching him and put his long fingers on Zell’s left cheek, caressing his lips gently. “And there?”

Zell blushed and tried to keep his self-control. But Seifer’s touch became really embarrassing. Even so, he didn’t want to stop him. “No.”

Then, Seifer moved down his hand to Zell’s chest, caressing his torso through his shirt. When his hand reached his waist, he slid it under the shirt, touching directly his skin. Zell shivered when he felt it on the part where he still had sensation. Seifer’s hand was warm and soft. He returned to the left side of his body and pinched his left nipple which became hard.

“And there?”

Now, Zell was uncomfortable. Despite of the fact he couldn’t feel anything, being touched this way couldn’t help to be exciting. Besides, even if Seifer was a child, he still had an adult appearance…and adult hands. “No…but, please, stop it. It’s…embarrassing…”

“Ya know, your skin is really soft for a guy…”

Zell could feel the beginning of an erection in his pants with Seifer’s touch. He took his hand with his right one to stop him. “Alright…that’s enough.”

Seifer frowned, wondering why Zell was reacted this way. “Ya’re angry?”

“No…no. It’s fine. Let’s watch the film again, right?”

* * *

 

The next morning, Zell met Doctor Garnet. Most of the time, their conversation turned around Seifer. Actually, it was the only thing Zell accepted to talk. Besides, he was the one who brought the subject. Elise Garnet, who as a good therapist understood Zell’s interest for Seifer probably hid something else and since he refused to talk directly about his past, she used this interest to make him talk more about himself.

“I’d like to ask you something personal, if you don’t mind, Mister Dincht.”

“Go on.”

“You told me about Seifer’s attitude when you two were at the Garden. I understand you particularly hate bullies, so…how would you have reacted if Seifer would have been different?”

“Hum…sorry but I don’t understand what you mean…”

“What kind of person would you have wanted he was?”

“It’s…not the question to know how I’d have liked he would have been. I mean, it doesn’t matter…it’s just I hate what he was.”

“You mean what he is, right?” corrected Elise.

“Yes…I mean, no. It’s not like…he is the same person anymore.”

“He’s the same person, Mister Dincht, but just at a different age. You seem to like him better this way.”

Zell kept quiet, thinking. Did he like Seifer? Yes. He was kind and adorable. He was always happy to see Zell each time he visited him. How could he not like him?

“He’s a child. Maybe if he had received some affection in his childhood, he wouldn’t have become like this. I don’t know why I should blame him twice for the same mistakes. It doesn’t change anything now…”

Elise smiled and noted something on her book. She began to understand Zell better than he did himself.

“We’re done for today. Thank you.”

“Okay.” Nodded Zell before saying goodbye and leaving.

 

He went directly to Seifer’s bedroom but he wondered why Seifer took so much time to answer. Usually, when Zell knocked, he always came to open the door quickly. He knocked again and again, but nothing. He waited during fifteen minutes and finally left. Maybe Seifer went to the garden? Zell reached the place and searched him but saw nobody. He went to the library, to the refectory and looked for him on the corridors but didn’t find him. It was already lunch time for him, so he returned to the refectory and ate quickly. After had finished, he came back to his bedroom to brush his teeth. He was really worried for Seifer, so he was thinking to ask to the guards after that. He arrived in his corridor. His bedroom was the last one, at the end of the corner. When he reached the place, he saw a figure, curled in a ball, sitting next to his door. He recognized the blond hair immediately.

“Seifer?” Zell approached and put a knee on the floor. “I looked for you since this morning. Where were you and what are you doing here?”

Seifer had his head down. When he finally lifted it, he was crying, with the nose and the mouth bleeding.

“Hyne…what happened to you?” Zell took Seifer’s chin and looked closely his injuries. “Okay, let’s go to my room first.” He put his hand under Seifer’s arms helping him to get on his feet when he saw the tall blonde moaning in pain. He guessed he probably had other wounds. They entered in the room and Zell closed the door behind him. He helped Seifer to walk and made him sit on the bed before leaving in the bathroom. He came back with a wet towel.

“Show me your face.”

Seifer lifted his head. His bottom lip was cut in the left corner and his gums were bleeding. He didn’t seem to have broken teeth. He checked his nose. When he touched it, Seifer shivered because of the pain, so Zell removed his hand.

“I’ll call the infirmary.”

“No!” Seifer grabbed Zell’s hand to stop him but had to hold his waist because of the pain. The sudden move he did, had hurt him. Zell came back and put up Seifer’s shirt to see his chest. He had several important bruises on the ribs, which it meant someone beat him.

“Who did that to you?”

Seifer used the towel Zell gave to him to wipe the blood on his nose slowly. Zell caressed his hair and sat at his side.

“Seifer, tell me. Who beat you?”

But he didn’t answer. The little blonde guessed the kid was too scared and still in shock to talk. He kept rubbing his hand on his back and his head to reassure him.

“You need to see someone for your injuries. You can’t stay like this.”

“Don’t…wanna leave…” whispered Seifer quietly.

Zell didn’t want to make him react since it was already hard for Seifer to move. He kissed his forehead with kindness and wiped his tears and the blood on his mouth.

“Okay…don’t worry. You can stay here as long as you want. Wanna lie down on the bed?”

“…dirty…”

“Huh?”

“I’m dirty…I’m gonna put blood everywhere on sheets…”

“I don’t care. Just lie down. You need to rest.”

Seifer nodded and finished to clean the blood on his face. During this time, Zell removed with his only hand, Seifer’s shoes one after the other. Seifer lay on his back. He kept his eyes on Zell who joined him.

“Ya…stay with me?”

“Yeah. But please…tell me what happened.”

 Seifer seemed to hesitate. He turned on his side to reach Zell’s body and enveloped his long arms around his waist. He just needed to be hold and comforted. Zell welcomed him in his arms and hugged, kissing his head.

“I’m here, Seifer. You’re safe now. Just tell me.”

After a longue pause, Seifer finally found his words. “Af..after the breakfast, I came back in my room to wait for ya. The guard..was different today..”

“The guard?”

“The..There’s always a guard with me when ya’re not there…but he wasn’t the same…and…”

“And?”

“He…he followed me in my room. He came…inside and…he said things…lies…”

Zell began to understand. “What did he say?”

“He..said I killed his family…he insulted me…and he laughed at me…and he slapped me…and…”

Seifer was crying harder against Zell’s chest. It was difficult for him to talk with the cut on his mouth and the fear he was feeling, remembering his aggression.

“…he beat me…and I ran away…I didn’t know where to go…so I came to your room and…I waited for…ya…”

“Seifer…I’m sorry.” Said Zell sadly. He noticed Seifer didn’t wear his wristband anymore. “Where is your wristband?”

“…He took it off before beatin’ me…”

“You have to denounce him. He had no right to do that to you.”

“…but…nobody would believe me…”

“Why do you say that?”

“Everyone hates me here…guards, people…even ya at the beginnin’…”

Zell didn’t know what to do. He was really sad and worried for Seifer. He couldn’t understand what he could feel.   

“I know what I said to you, Seifer, and…I really regret it. You’re important to me, so please, forgive me. I hadn’t the right to be so nasty with you, and I even didn’t thank you to have saved my life. I’m really, really sorry…”

Seifer buried his face on Zell’s torso, crying. “Why…why people hate me? Why, Zell?”

But the other man had no answer. What he was supposed to say? He should tell him he provoked a war and followed a demoniac sorceress, that he betrayed his friends and killed people? No. he couldn’t and he didn’t want to anyway. The war was over since three years. Blaming Seifer for something he couldn’t remind and technically that he didn’t do it yet, was unfair.

“People aren’t normal, here…you know they can say crazy things…”

“But the guards?”

“Dunno…but you should tell to Doctor Garnet. She would believe in you.”

“Don’t wanna…” pouted Seifer.

Zell sighted. “Okay, but at least, let’s go to the infirmary to heal your wounds.”

“No…don’t wanna leave…safe here…”

“But I’ll be with you. You don’t have to worry…”

“I’m not scared!” shouted Seifer. “It’s just…I…I…”

Despite of his age, Seifer was still the same proud boy. He couldn’t admit in front of Zell he was afraid to leave his room. But he couldn’t fake it. His fear was written on his face.

“Okay…as you wish. Just lie down and try to sleep.”

Seifer nodded and lay on the bed. “Ya stay?”

“Sure. I won’t leave.” Zell dragged Seifer against his chest with his arm to comfort him. The other blonde was more than relieved to be hold by Zell. He felt secure this way.

“…forgave ya for the last time…don’t apologize again…” whispered Seifer.

Zell smiled, kissing his head tenderly. “Thank you. Try to sleep.”

 

An hour later, Seifer was completely asleep. Zell kept his eyes open to look at him sleeping. Of course it was a strange situation: he and Seifer, cuddled against each other in the same bed. But when he looked at him, it wasn’t the same man he used to know. At the second he knew what happened to him during time compression, he forgot his grieves toward him. The only thing he could see right now was the picture of a fragile and scared kid. He moved away slowly without waking him up and took the phone.

“Doctor Garnet please for Zell Dincht.”

_“Just a moment, please…”_

After a short time, Elise answered. _“Mister Dincht?”_

“Sorry to bother you, Doctor, but could you come to my room now, please?”

_“Is there a problem?”_

“Kind of…”

 _“Okay. I’m coming_.”

“Thanks. Please, come alone and don’t bring any assistant of yours.”

_“But…”_

“Please. I won’t try to run away or to hurt you. But I need to see you, alone.”

She seemed to be hesitant but finally agreed. _“Fine. I’ll meet you in ten minutes.”_

“I’m waiting for you.”

He hung up the phone and returned on the bed. Seifer didn’t hear anything since he was sleeping deeply. After ten minutes, someone knocked to the door. Zell got up and went to open.

“Mister Dincht?”

“Thanks for coming, Doctor. Come in.”

She followed him. Zell took her by the arm to stop her. “Don’t make any noise, please. He’s sleeping.”

“He?”

Zell made a sign to her mentioning Seifer on the bed. She looked at him, a bit confused. “Is there a problem with Seifer?” she asked softly.

“Yes. One of your assistants beat him this morning when he escorted him to his bedroom. Seifer escaped and he waited for me in front of my door until I came back. He refused to let me bring him to the infirmary but he is covered by bruises on the ribs and on the face.”

“Oh no…not again…” replied Elise, sadly. She moved closer to him and observed the bruises on his lips and on the nose. “I checked his position with his wristband this morning but I didn’t see anything in particular…”

 “The man who did that to him removed his wristband. I don’t know what he intended to do but he will hurt Seifer again if you keep him.”

“You’re right. I can’t keep a violent employee if he hurts patients, whoever they are. Let me take care of this.”

“Thank you.”

She sat on the bed and caressed Seifer’s hair. “He’s so vulnerable this way…”

“Yes…” agreed Zell. “He asked me why people hated him that much earlier…I feel so bad for him.”

“You’re a kind man, Mister Dincht…”

“Call me Zell, please. It’s embarrassing…”

“Alright, Zell. Then, call me Elise.”

“Okay…” Zell moved away and took a chair to sit. Elise kept fixing him.

“You know…Seifer was a bit rude with me at the beginning. It took me a long time to win his trust. But he strangely liked you pretty fast…”

“I thought about it…do you think he kept some memories about me?”

“No. He just remembers the time you shared with him when you two were at the orphanage.”

“But, even unconsciously? I don’t know…” Wondered Zell.

“I don’t think so…contrary to you.”

Zell frowned. “What does it mean?”

“I think you’re acting this way with him unconsciously. There’s something in you that you’re keeping…”

Zell was about to reply when Seifer woke up slowly. The tall blonde looked around him to search Zell with the eyes, when he saw Elise.

“Hello, Seifer. How are you?” asked Elise.

The kid didn’t reply, sitting. His ribs seemed to hurt him because he was holding his waist. Elise approached.

“Zell told me what happened to you, Seifer. I’m so sorry. I promise this man won’t be there anymore tonight. Will you let me examine your wounds, please?”

The blonde nodded and let her take care of his injuries. She convinced him to go to the infirmary and he agreed at the condition Zell came with him. There, Elise and another doctor treated his injuries and put him another wristband. She also agreed to let Seifer sleep in Zell’s room that night, so the two men stayed all the day together.

 

After the dinner, they went back to Zell’s room. They had a shower and watched a film together. After two hours, they began to feel a bit asleep so they turned off the tv and prepared themselves for bed. Seifer was still active, even if he had a rude day, so Zell accepted to tell him another tale before sleeping.

“…and the dragoon returned to the forest. The knight became the new prince of the kingdom and married the princess. That’s the end.” Said Zell yawing.

“What did he need to marry? Girls suck…” pouting Seifer.

“Every man needs to love a woman, to build a family and all…let’s go to bed. It’s already late…”

“So ya need a man and a woman to have babies?? How do they make it?”

Zell blushed. It wasn’t enough embarrassing to explain it to a kid that it had to be Seifer who asked it in addition of that. ”Hum…you’re too young to understand! Come on! Let’s sleep…”

“Ya don’t know?” asked Seifer, smirking.

“Yes I do, but it’s too embarrassing to explain and as I told you, you’re too young…”

“Liar! Ya don’t know! Ya don’t know!!” teased Seifer laughing.

“Quiet, idiot! Come here and sleep!!” complained Zell throwing a pillow in Seifer’s face.

The taller blonde continued to laugh but went to lie down on the bed, under the blanket. Zell turned his back to him, pissed. Seifer felt a bit sorry to have put Zell in a bad mood, so he moved closer to him and deposed a gentle kiss on his cheek.

“Don’t be mad…” He covered Zell’s body with his longs arms and held him against his chest. Zell blushed harder but stayed on the same position.

“I’m not…time to sleep now. I turn off the lights.”

“K…good night, Zell.”

“Good night, Seifer. Have sweet dreams.”

Then, they felt asleep, in each other arms. No one wanted to break this embrace. Seifer needed to feel comforted and Zell…Zell missed human contacts. There was a long time since he hadn’t been held like this.

 

* * *

 

The next day, the two men woke up at the same hour. Since Seifer had slept with him, he went to take his breakfast at the same hour than Zell. He was so glad of it that the last incident yesterday was already forgotten. During all the morning, Seifer never left Zell’s side, talking and keeping the little blonde for him, as if he was his property. He dragged him by the arm in the garden or in the library until Zell’s session with Elise. Seifer went back to Zell’s room to wait for him.

“Good morning, Zell.”

“Morning, Elise.”

“So? Did you sleep well? I hope Seifer’s presence didn’t bother you last night…but I didn’t have the heart to tell him to go back to his room…”

“It’s alright. It didn’t bother me at all, on the contrary. I like his company.”

“Good to hear it, because I was thinking about moving his room to the second level with you. Is it okay for you?”

“You mean…Seifer’s gonna live next to my room?”

“Yes, but only if it doesn’t bother you.”

“No, I’m fine. This way, we’ll have the same hours for the meals and we could share more time together.”

“Thank you. I’ll be more reassured for him. I’ll make the change today.”

“Okay…” Zell seemed to be troubled suddenly. Elise noticed it and guessed the reason of his embarrassment.

“You’re thinking about what I said to you yesterday, right?” she demanded straightly.

“Yes…what did you mean about this? You think I have other goals to be nice with Seifer?”

“I didn’t talk about goals, Zell, but I meant there was a reason.”

“And what kind of reason do you think it is?”

She stopped fixing him. It wouldn’t be easy to bring this subject, but she needed to make Zell talk. “Do you like children, Zell?”

“Wh…what?”

“Do you?”

“Y..Yes, but I don’t know where the point is…”

“Have you ever thought about being a father?”

Zell looked down, squeezing his fist. “Why are you asking me that?”

“Have you?”

He began to have enough about her questions. “You keep asking but you never answer!”

“I have no answer to give you, because you already have it. Before questioning me, you should ask to yourself why you’re so annoyed to reply.”

“I’m not!”

“Yes you’re. You’re shouting at me.”

“Who’s the fault? Why do you ask me that? What is the point with Seifer?” yelled Zell.

“Talk to me about Lydia.”

Zell sat back in his chair, completely lost. “What now? Why do you bring Lydia in this subject?? It has nothing to do with her and…”

“It is and you know it.” She crossed her hands together before putting it on her desk. “When she died, you lost more than the love of your life, right?”

Zell bit his bottom lip, trying to contain his anger. Actually, it wasn’t just anger he was feeling right now, but pain, sadness…”Stop it…”

“Talk to me, Zell. You…”

“I TOLD YOU TO STOP IT!!” Screamed Zell with rage making his chair falling on the floor. Elise jumped because of the surprise but insisted it again.

“Tell me.”

“WHAT DOES IT CHANGE? WHAT DOES IT FUCKING CHANGE?? LYDIA IS DEAD! YOU HEAR ME? DEAD!!!”

“I know. But you’re still alive and you owe her this, Zell. You owe her to be strong, to keep living. That’s what she would have wanted.”

 “She’s dead…” said again Zell. He took the chair on the floor and sat back. “I miss her so much…it should have been me, not her…”

“Blaming yourself wouldn’t bring her back. You couldn’t know, Zell.”

“I…I should have convinced her to stay in Balamb, at the Bgu…If I had known it…if only I had known it before…”

“What are you talking about?”

“She…She shouldn’t have come with me. Not in her state…maybe she didn’t know, or maybe she wanted to wait until we would be back to the Garden to tell me…”

“Zell, what is it? In what kind of state was she this day?”

“Pregnant…” murmured Zell. “She was pregnant. Kadowaki told it to me when she made the autopsy of her body…”

Elise already knew it. She talked with Doctor Kadowaki before Zell came in Barhein. But she had to make him say it.

“She…she was carrying my child…my baby. We would have been so happy…and she died. I lost them…I lost them before I could even build a family…”

Zell hid his face with his hand, crying. Elise got up and approached. She put a knee on the floor and went closer to Zell to comfort him, rubbing softly his back. She didn’t ask anything else and let him cry during the rest of the session. She made him talk about this. She made him say it, so now, he would start for the next the times to open himself. When Zell fell into depression, everybody thought it was because of Lydia’s death, but it was also for this reason. This day, Zell didn’t just lose the woman he loved, but also his child. He kept this thing for himself and asked to Kadowaki to not say a word to anyone about this, and she did it.

“I think it’s enough for today. You can go back to your room. I’ll come with you to bring Seifer in his room. He needs to pack his belongings and I don’t think he can trust the guards anymore.” Said Elise at the end of the session.

Zell nodded, wiping his tears and left the office with her without adding another word. He was still in pain, remembering all these painful memories.

 

When they arrived, Seifer was reading a book on Zell’s bed. He got up when he heard someone entered.

“Zell!” Seifer went to welcome him but he frowned when he saw Elise with him. “Elise? What are ya doin’ here?”

“I came to pick you. From now on, you’re gonna live at the same level than Zell, in the room next to his. This way, you could have your meals with him and spend more time together. But first, let’s get your stuff at the fourth floor.”

“Really??? I can stay here?” asked Seifer happy.

“Yes. You room is the one next to Zell’s on the right side. I’m gonna come with you to pack your clothes and your books.”

Seifer fixed his attention on Zell and noticed he wasn’t as usual. He was depressed and his eyes were red, as if he had cried…Seifer was about to ask him what was wrong, but Elise cut him.

“Zell needs to rest a bit, Seifer. Let him sleep. You can come to visit him later since you two are neighbors, now.”

“…K…” nodded Seifer shyly. He followed Elise but stopped on the way when he reached Zell’s side. He deposed a soft kiss on Zell’s cheek. “See ya later, Zell…” And he joined Elise outside.

Zell blushed, touching his cheek. Seifer’s affection was so comforting…but right now, he needed to be alone. He moved to his bed and fell on his stomach, face to the bed.

 

Walking to the elevator, Elise and Seifer were on the way to reach the fourth floor.

“Seifer, I’d like you let Zell alone for today, please.” Said Elise.

“Why? He’s mad at me??” asked Seifer worried.

“Not at all…but he’s a bit depressed. He needs to be alone for awhile.”

“But…” protested Seifer. “If I let him alone, he…” but he stopped talking suddenly.

“What?” Elise noticed he seemed to know something.

“N..Nothin’..”

The elevator reached the fourth floor. Seifer walked faster toward his room. He wanted to avoid Elise’s questions. They entered and he began to pack his clothes. Elise restarted to question him.

“What did you want to say, Seifer?”

“Nothin’…”

She grabbed his arm and made him looking at her straight in the eyes. “Don’t lie to me, Seifer. There’s something about Zell you didn’t tell me and I won’t let you go until you say it.”

But the tall blonde refused to talk. He didn’t promise anything to Zell, but he felt he shouldn’t say it to Elise to not cause troubles.

“Seifer, look at me.” She lifted his chin with her fingers. “I’m trying to help Zell. If you care about him, you have to tell me what you know.”

“I can’t…”

“Why?”

“Coz’…”

She crossed her arms against her chest. She knew Seifer could be stubborn and he wouldn’t tell her if he didn’t want to.

“Is it related to your first meeting with him?”

He flinched, caught in surprised. She smiled, knowing that she hit the right spot. He kept his mouth closed.

“Be honest with me, Seifer: when you said Zell knocked his head falling on the floor accidentally; that you tried to help him and that he thought you hit him…it was lie, right?”

But Seifer refused to speak, keeping his head down. He just wanted to run away, but he knew he couldn’t. Elise stroked his hair gently.

“Forget it. Let’s finish packing your belongings.” She concluded. She didn’t need to hear his answer since she already knew it.

Seifer obeyed, still remaining silent. He couldn’t stop thinking about Zell and just wanted to be with him, not only because he missed him but also because he was scared. He promised him to not try again to die, but he seemed to be so sad that maybe he would do it again? He hurried to finish and went back with Elise to his new room, next to Zell’s.

 

Seifer waited for Zell, in his new room, until the lunch. But when he didn’t see him, he began to worry. Elise came back to look for him for lunch and he followed her. She explained Zell wanted to stay alone and wasn’t hungry so he would stay in his room for the rest of the day. Seifer was really disappointed but he couldn’t help it. He ate alone but kept his dessert for later. It was a blueberry muffin with white chocolate. He returned to his room and stayed alone until dinner. When Elise went to pick him again, he refused to go and said he wasn’t hungry. She didn’t force him and left him do what he wanted. She brought him at least a sandwich and a fruit from the refectory. She also brought the same meal for Zell who refused.

But later, on the evening, Seifer couldn’t sleep. It was still too early to go to bed, but too late to go outside. Besides, it was boring without Zell. He really missed him, even if he just didn’t see him since a couple of hours. He promised to Elise he wouldn’t disturb him but he couldn’t stay there without doing anything for his friend. So, seifer took a paper and wrote something. He left his bedroom and knocked to Zell’s door. He deposed the paper and another little package on the floor and when he heard Zell’s steps, he went back to his bedroom, staying near of the door to be sure Zell would get it what he gave him. Zell opened the door but saw nothing. He was about to close the door again when he saw a piece of paper and a package on the floor. He went down to grab it and read the words written.

 _“Get well soon.”_ He opened the package and saw a muffin inside. He smiled happily and understood it was from Seifer. Zell didn’t close the door but returned inside of his room to take another piece of paper. He wrote something and slipped it under Seifer’s door, before going back to his quarters. When Seifer saw the paper, he took it quickly to read it.

 _“Thank you my friend. Good night and see you tomorrow.”_ Seifer smiled with joy and relief after had read it. He knew Zell was okay now, so he could go to sleep in peace. He would see him tomorrow morning.

 

* * *

 

The next day, Seifer was already up when the sun just started to rise in the sky. It was early but he didn’t care. He was too impatient to see Zell to stay in his bed anyway. He waited and waited again when he finally heard the door next to his bedroom open. He went directly outside and welcomed Zell with a bright smile.

“Mornin’ Zell!”

The blonde jumped with surprise. “Oh! Seifer! You’re already up?”

“Yep! I was waitin’ for ya!”

“I see…good morning. Thanks again for the muffin. It’s nice of you.”

“I kept it just for ya! Did ya eat it?”

“Yes. I owe you a dessert now.”

“I’m fine…ready to go? I’m hungry!”

“Sure.”

The two friends walked together to the refectory to have their breakfast. Zell was still depressed but he tried to fake he was okay in front of Seifer or he would make him worry. On the other side, Seifer wasn’t that slow and noticed his friend was unhappy. He wanted to erase all the bad thoughts Zell was thinking because he was scared to see him trying to die again. He couldn’t tell to Elise but he couldn’t stay without doing something to help him. So, he never left his side, watching his moves, occupying his mind talking and talking again to never let to Zell the time to think about stupid things like death.

After the breakfast, Zell had to meet as every day Doctor Garnet in her office.

“So…you knew Lydia was pregnant?” asked Zell to Elise.

“Yes. As I told you, I spoke with Doctor Kadowaki before your arrival. She told me everything.”

“Then, why didn’t you say it earlier instead of pushing me at this limit?”

“I needed to make you react, Zell. There’s not just one cause to your depression and we have to count and identify it to be able to cure you.”

“There’s nothing else to understand. I lost the woman I loved and I’m disabled. That’s why I’m depressed. You’re just losing your time.”

Elise opened her notebook to write something. Then, she lifted her head to look at Zell again. “Do you remember when you got adopted?”

“Huh?”

“I read you have been adopted when you were three by the Dincht. Can you talk about it?”

“What is the point now?”

She sighted. “Please, Zell. Just answer me. I know you’re a bit lost but I’ll make up with the time. So?”

Zell crossed his legs, holding his knee with his right hand. “Yes, I remember…”

“Tell me. What did you feel when you left the orphanage?”

“Dunno…I was sad to let my friends, but I deeply loved my parents and I was glad to have a real family with a mom, a dad, grandparents, a house…and Balamb was a nice place…”

“Did you get along immediately with your adoptive parents?”

 “Yes. My mom always had been there to support me. She always loved me unconditionally, as my grandparents. My grandpa was a soldier in the army and I was so proud to be with him when we walked in the city. He taught me how to fish, how to fight and so many things…and my grandma spoiled me all the time with candies and chocolates…” Zell smiled remembering these moments.

“What about your dad?”

His face changed and took another expression. “My dad…I…I really loved him, but…”

“But?”

“But…he died in a car accident just two years after I arrived in the family. I was five…”

“What happened?”

“He…he was working at the railway company. He was in charge to maintain the railways between Balamb and Timber. And…one day, after his work, he came back to the town. He didn’t come immediately to home because he needed some medicines, so he went to the pharmacy. It was during the winter and it was raining this day, so the road was slippery. A driver lost control driving and hit my father with his truck…”

“I’m sorry to hear it. I suppose it had been a terrible shock for you?”

“Ohh…do you think so?” asked sarcastically Zell particularly annoyed. “Of COURSE IT HAD BEEN A SHOCK! I WAS JUST FIVE AND MY FATHER DIED, JUST TWO FUCKING YEARS AFTER I’VE BEEN ADOPTED!! WHAT DO YOU THINK I FELT AT THIS TIME??”

Elise remained calm, despite of Zell’s anger. She wrote something else on her notebook. Actually, she didn’t want to provoke reactions but just make Zell admit something. Something she guessed but she couldn’t tell him. Zell had to understand by himself. There was something in his father’s death which broke him…and he buried this deep inside of him.

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore. It has nothing to do with my depression anyway…”

“Okay…so, did you manage to sleep a bit yesterday?”

“Not a lot.”

“Oh…Did Seifer come to see you?”

“No. he just knocked at my door and returned in his room. He let a word and a muffin at my door.”

“Really? What was written?”

“Get well soon.” Zell smiled, thinking about Seifer’s kindness. “He’s so cute…”

“Yes…so, he gave you his muffin? I saw when I accompanied him to his room that he didn’t eat his dessert yesterday at lunch. So, he kept it for you.”

“I’m sure he really wanted it.”

“Definitely. As a kid, he likes sweet things, but you’re important enough for him for he made this sacrifice…” she laughed.

Zell chuckled. “You know…things are so funny. If somebody ever had told me one day I would feel this way for Seifer, I would have burst in laugh, and now, I miss him every time he’s far away from me…”

“It’s reciprocally.”

“Yes, but he doesn’t remember me…”

She observed him during some minutes, keeping silent before talking again. “Do you think about what happened between you two during the war, sometimes?”

Zell frowned, thinking, before shaking his head. “Not really. Is it bad?”

“Do you think it is?”

“Don’t think so…he’s not the same person anymore, so…”

“But if he was. What would you tell him?”

“You mean, if he was at the same age than me?”

“Yes.”

“Hum…to be honest, I didn’t think about it. I suppose I would fight with him as always, probably because he would provoke me again and I would react…”

“And if he was different? “

“How?”

“Like…a humble and calm man, with regrets, for example.”

Zell laughed. “If you really knew Seifer, you wouldn’t use these kind of words to describe him. It doesn’t suit him at all.”

“Then, just imagine it. How would you react if he was like this?”

Zell thought during a moment. “I guess…I would accept his excuses and I would try to be friend with him…”

“The same way you’re doing it right now?”

“Maybe. Who knows? My mother taught me to forgive.”

Elise fixed him with sadness. “Then, you should use this good advice for yourself.”

The blonde felt a bit disconcerted. “What do you mean by that?”

“Forgive yourself. Just think about this for the next time.” She closed her notebook. “That’s enough for today. I suppose you still don’t want to go to support group?”

“No.” Zell got up on his feet.

“Okay. I don’t force you. Miss Kramer will be there this afternoon to visit Seifer.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yes. She will arrive just after the lunch, so if you want to see her, feel free to go with them.”

“I will. What about my friends and my mom? When can I see them?”

“For your friends, I think it’s a bit soon for this. I know you have strong grieves toward them to have sent you here, so I prefer to wait. But it’s alright for your mother. She can come to visit you, once per month, whenever she wants. You can call her this afternoon.”

“Great. I miss her.”

“I know, Zell. But for the good of the patients, it’s better if the families and friends stay outside of this environment.”

“It’s not like I could change your rules anyway. Well, see you tomorrow.”

“Have a nice day.”

 

When Zell opened the door to leave, Seifer was waiting on the corridor, sitting on the floor.

“What are you doing here?”

“I was waitin’ for ya…” replied the tall blonde getting up. “I..heard ya shoutin’ and…”

Zell smiled. He approached and stroked Seifer’s hair gently. “You don’t have to worry that much for me, Seifer. I promised you I wouldn’t do it again, remember?”

“Yeah…but I hate to see ya sad…”

“Thanks, but I’m fine. Let’s go now.”

Elise who stayed behind them during their conversation observed the scene, smiling. She identified Zell’s problem and knew how to cure him now.

The two friends went to the garden to have some fresh air. Seifer was a bit excited today, because Matron was coming. He drew pictures for her. She always brought him some candies and cakes.

“Zell?”

“Yes, Seifer?”

“Why…why did ya argue with Elise?”

The blonde looked down. Remembering his session was definitely the last thing he wanted to do right now. “For nothing…you know, I overreact often so…”

“Hum…”

Zell noticed Seifer’s disappointment. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothin’…we should go now. It’s lunch time.”

“Yeah…”

Zell followed Seifer and didn’t add another word. It was the first day that they could have meals together. He really didn’t want to waste this day with Seifer. Usually, he hated these moments because he always ate alone. They went to the queue and took their meal tray before going to a table. They sat when Zell noticed he forgot to take a glass.

“Oh! I forgot my glass. Don’t wait for me to eat, I’m coming right back.”

“Ok.” Nodded Seifer.

He looked at Zell’s plate. Today, they had a piece of chicken with potatoes and vegetables. Usually, the cookers cut Zell’s meat because he couldn’t use his other hand to do it by himself, but today, they forgot. Seifer took his plate and cut the meat during Zell’s absence, before replacing the plate on the tray again as if nothing happened. Zell who had grabbed his glass, saw it from his position and stayed away, just the time to let Seifer finish. Then, he came back.

“Ah! I’m starving! It looks good today.” Said Zell sitting again.

“Yes! Wanna some water?”

“Yes, please.” Zell held his glass and let his friend filling up it. “Thank you. Bon appétit!”

Seifer began to eat, smiling. Zell seemed to be in a better mood so he was relieved. In fact, Zell was feeling loved by Seifer. He had enough kindness to cut his meat for him without mentioning to not make him uncomfortable. Despite of the fact Seifer was a child, he was pretty observant for his age, and it made Zell happy to see he cared so much about him. Besides, it was reciprocally.

 

After the lunch, they came back to Seifer’s room. They were surprised to see that someone was already waiting for them inside. They recognized immediately the long black dress.

“Matron!!” exclaimed Seifer with joy, jumping in her arms.

“Seifer. I’m so happy to see you, Darling. How are you?”

“Fine! I made a friend!!”

Zell joined them. “Hello Matron.”

“Zell, my beloved. You look good…” She approached and hugged him with tenderness.

“Thanks.”

“I see you two became good friends.” She said smiling, holding Seifer’s hand.

“Yes! Zell is really nice and he tells me great tales.”

Zell and Edea couldn’t help to smile listening to Seifer’s words. The kid was so excited that he didn’t stay on the same place more than twenty seconds. 

“I brought you something…” said Edea, searching in her bag.

“Oh? Candies?”

“Not just candies…”

Seifer approached and saw chocolates, cakes, candies, books and even some toys. Seifer was curious and touched everything. “What is it, Matron?”

“A pair of binoculars. This way, you could see Esthar city from the garden.”

“Oh! Great! Wanna try it now!! Can we go to the garden??”

“Sure. Zell? Are you coming with us?”

“With pleasure.”

The three of them went outside. Seifer was running like a rocket to the post he used to go with Zell. When he was far away enough, Edea took the opportunity to talk with him, in privacy.

“So, how are you, Zell?”

“Fine…but I’d like to leave this place.”

“I can guess…”she replied sadly. “But you seem to be in good form.”

“Well, Seifer helps me a lot. I never stop running after him all the time, and he’s always stuck with me…sometimes, I’m exhausted. He never has enough to listen to tales and to talk…he’s like a dynamo!”

Edea laughed. “Now you understand what you made us endure, to me and to your mother!”

“What? I wasn’t that energetic!”

“No you’re right! You were just ten times more than he is right now!” she joked. She took Zell’s arm with affection and became serious again. “I’m glad you two are getting along. He was feeling so lonely…”

“But…why don’t you take him away from here?”

“Zell…I’d like to but where should I bring him? He’s not welcomed in Balamb, Galbadia or Esthar. You know Shumi village don’t accept humans for a long time and Fisherman’s Horizon isn’t a place for him. Besides, who would take care of him? My place is with my husband at the Garden; Raijin and Fujin can’t be with him all the time, especially when he even doesn’t know who they are…”

“You think Cid would refuse his return to the Garden?”

She raised her eyebrow. “Zell, you know Cid isn’t the problem there…”

Zell sighted, remembering Squall and the rest of the gang wouldn’t accept Seifer, whatever he could be now. “I know…but what? He’s gonna stay here until his death?”

“I don’t know…maybe in few years, people would forget the war and he would find his place in this world again…”

“People never forget, Matron. Maybe they forgive, but they never forget…and I’m not sure they would forgive Seifer either…”

Seifer turned around and waved at them. “Hurry up!”

They smiled at him in return. Edea murmured softly. “Fate is so cruel sometimes…”

“Yeah…”

They joined Seifer and stayed with him during the entire afternoon. But at the end of the day, Seifer was bit tired, so they lay down on the grass. The tall blonde put his head on matron’s knees and fell asleep. Edea was caressing his hair with affection.

“He’s so fragile…I can’t stop worrying for him all the time.” She said sadly.

“Can’t you visit him more frequently?”

“I’d like to, but Esthar doesn’t allow me to enter in the territory. Laguna managed to obtain a right of access for me, but it’s all what he can do.” She sighted. “You know, when I brought him here, I had to wait three months before they let me seeing him. They thought letting an ex-sorceress and her knight alone could be dangerous. I remember the day when I left him…he had cried so much…”

“Doctor Garnet told me…so, you never said anything to Cid?”

“No. . Every time I visit Seifer, I say I go to see a therapist for my depression.”

“Your depression?”

“I’m not really depressed, even if I still feel guilty for my crimes…but it was the only right excuse I could tell him, or he would have suspected something. Cid is very overprotective with me since the end of the war.”

“I see. So, how are the others at the Garden?”

“Fine. They miss you.”

Zell laughed bitterly. “If they missed me that much, they wouldn’t have sent me there…”

“Darling, you didn’t let them the choice and you know it. It was painful to see you destroying yourself this way…and this decision is probably one of the most difficult that they had taken.”

“It still hurts.”

“Zell…” she rubbed his back softly. “So, did you start a therapy there?”

“Kind of…I see Doctor Garnet every day to talk.”

“And what about your drinking problem?”

Zell glared at her. “I’m not an alcoholic!”

Seifer woke up abruptly when he heard Zell yelling. The martial artist felt bad to have been so rude with her and to have disturbed Seifer’s peaceful nap.

“What’s wrong?” asked the tall blonde.

“Nothing, Darling….nothing. “ reassured Edea. “I think it’s time for me to leave now…”

“Oh…can’t ya stay a bit longer??” demanded Seifer disappointed.

“Sorry my little one, but I have to go. You’re not alone now so you’ll be fine. I’ll visit you in a month, ok?”

Seifer nodded sadly but found his smile again when Edea hugged him in her arms. She kissed his cheeks with tenderness.

“Take care of you, darling.”

“Love ya Matron.”

“I love you too, Seifer.”

She turned her attention on Zell. “I was happy to see you again, my sweetheart…”

“Me too, Matron. I’m sorry to have been so offensive with you…”

“It’s okay. I’m not mad. Just take care of you.” She winked at Seifer. “You will watch him for me, Seifer?”

“Of course!”

“Good. See you soon my children.” Then, Edea left waving at them a last time before disappearing behind the big doors of the center.

 “It’s gonna be time for dinner. Are you coming?” asked Zell to Seifer.

“Hum…”

 

The two blondes walked in the corridor, silently, to reach the refectory. People were already waiting in front of the entrance. The two friends went in the queue and waited for their turn. They took their meal trays and sat on a table together. During the dinner, Zell wasn’t joyful. Seifer understood he wasn’t in the mood to talk, but he was worried for him. Zell had yelled at Matron and he was wondering why, because Matron was so kind that nobody could be nasty with her. He also trusted Zell…and he couldn’t help to be curious.

“Zell?”

“Hum?”

“Why…did ya yell at Matron?”

Zell kept his eyes on his meal, avoiding Seifer’s look. “For nothing…”

“But I heard ya yellin’…”

“I told you it’s nothing, Seifer.” Replied again Zell a bit exasperate.

Seifer stopped eating. He was just playing with his fork. “Ya know…mommy drank a lot too…”

Zell frowned. “You remember your real parents?”

“…don’t have dad…or sometimes, when mommy came back to home with them…”

“Them?”

“…never the same dad. Sometimes he was nice or he was nasty…”

“Oh…” Zell blushed and understood Seifer’s mother was probably a prostitute or a loose woman.

“But…I hated when she drank because…she was nasty…”

“Did she hurt you?”

Seifer nodded. “Mommy was always angry…and she cried. When I came to see her, she yelled at me…and she beat me…”

“Seifer…”

“So…I waited until she became normal again…I hid under my bed and I waited…but sometimes she found me and…she dragged me out of my hidin’ place to beat me…” The tall blonde was biting his bottom lip. Remembering these hard times was painful. Zell grabbed his hand to comfort him.

“…and when she began to drink, I left home for the night. I slept in the forest or in the garden. I had a favorite big tree where I slept because it was easy to climb…but one night, I got lost…I didn’t know where I was, so I waited…and at the mornin’, I saw two soldiers…”

“Soldiers? Did they bring you to home?”

“Yes…but when we arrived, they didn’t let me go…and they brought me to the orphanage…”

“You never saw your mother again?”

Seifer shook his head. “No…but I know she’s gone…”

“Gone?”

“To the heaven…”

“What happened to her?”

“Dunno…nobody told me.”

“But…how could know she’s gone?”

“Coz’…someone came to tell me one day…”

“Who?”

Seifer blushed. “No one…” He started to eat again, as if he was too embarrassed to answer. Zell wanted to insist but seeing Seifer so shy made him guess it wasn't the right time to ask him; they finished their meals and returned in Zell’s room.

 

Seifer went to the window and sat on the ledge. He admired the stars in the sky with the binoculars. Zell approached and looked at him.

“Seifer?”

“Hum?”

“Why…didn’t you want to tell me earlier?”

“Tell ya what?”

“I mean…you said somebody came to tell you that your mother was gone…”

Seifer turned around to face Zell, still sitting on the ledge. “Ya…will laugh at me if I tell ya…” he murmured.

“I won’t. I promise.”

The tall blonde lifted his head to check Zell’s sincerity. He was playing with his feet in the air. “An angel…”

Zell raised an eyebrow. “What?”

“I knew ya wouldn’t believe me!” Pouted Seifer angrily, getting on his feet. Zell grabbed his arm to stop him.

“No, no! I believe in you! It’s just…surprising. But, okay! How was he?”

“Don’t lie!” Seifer moved away. “Ya don’t believe me…”

“I do!”

“No! That’s why ya never tell me anythin’!! Ya don’t trust me!!”

“What are you talking about? Of course I trust you!”

“Then, what don’t ya reply when I ask ya somethin’? Ya always say that ya don’t wanna talk about it or ya’re not in the mood or it’s nothin’…Ya always have a good excuse! I tell ya everythin’ but not ya!!” shouted Seifer with anger and sadness on his voice.

Zell stared at him a bit confused. Actually, it wasn’t because he didn’t trust Seifer but because it was painful for him to tell his story. He tried to escape all the time from these terrible memories…memories of good old times that it would never come back…and it hurt.

“…Matron is nice. I don’t wanna see ya argin’ with her…and I really like ya. I heard ya yellin’ at her and…you said ya weren’t alcoholic…” tears were coming to his eyes. “…don’t wanna see ya become like mommy…”

Zell rushed toward him and held the tall blond against him. “I’m so sorry Seifer. You shouldn’t have heard it…I’m sorry.”

Seifer hugged him back possessively, burying his face on Zell’s neck. “…don’t become like mommy…please. Not ya…”

Zell moved away just enough to see Seifer’s face. He wiped his tears and kissed his forehead gently. “I won’t, don’t worry. Stop crying now…”

It wasn't the first time that Zell was seeing Seifer crying since they met again but this time was different. He realized how much he cared about him because despite of his pride, he was crying for him, afraid to lose him as he already lost his mother…and it meant a lot to Zell.

“Don’t cry, Seifer. I won’t become like her. I apologized to Matron and she forgave me…”

“I know…”

They moved to the bed and sat. Zell pressed his back to headboard. Seifer put his head on Zell’s knees, fixing the ceiling.

“Can you tell me about the angel, please? I’m curious.” Demanded the little blonde again.

“Oh…it was..a tall woman with grey hair. She had a long red dress and color marks on her face…and she had long black wings…”

Zell blinked. The creature Seifer was describing wasn’t an angel at all if it was who he was thinking about. “ _Ultimecia…”_

“What happened? When did she come to see you?”

“When I was four. I was sleepin’ at the orphanage with the others when I saw a light in the garden. I went to see and she appeared…ya know, she was beautiful!”

Zell kept quiet, still listening carefully.

“And…she told me mommy was gone…that she paid for what she did to me and that I shouldn't cry for her…”

“And?”

“And…she touched my hair when Matron came. She saw us and she asked me to come back inside. The angel vanished and…when I told it to Matron, she just said to return in my bed and to never talk about it again…”

“Oh…did you remember something else?”

“hum…yes. Matron didn’t seem to be fine when the lady left. She was shakin’ and she fell on her knees…and Squall wasn’t in his bed either…”

“Squall?”

“Yes, I told ya there were other children with me, remember?”

“Yes but…what was he doing outside with you?”

“I didn’t know he ran away…Matron was always runnin’ after him when Ellone left the orphanage. Squall said all the time he wanted to look for her…”

“Hyne…” Zell suddenly remembered what Squall has told them when he came back from time compression. He met Edea in his own past and had seen Ultimecia. She had passed her power to Edea when she died…but Squall never had seen Ultimecia talking to Seifer…

“Zell?”

“What?”

“Ya…look strange…what’s wrong?”

“Nothing Seifer…I just try to imagine what kind of angel you saw. Don’t you think it’s strange to hear these words from an angel? I mean, even if your mother was nasty, an angel is nice and all…”

“I know…but she was nice with me.”

“Did you ever see her again after that?”

“No, but…”

“But?”

“Matron…she was different with me, after that…”

“You mean, she wasn’t nice with you anymore?”

“No! She was still the same…but sometimes, she was just…different.”

“I see. And what happened after that?”

“The other children got adopted…and Matron told me I had to go with Squall somewhere…and I woke up in Balamb with Raijin and Fujin…I don’t remember what happened after they brought me there with Squall…”

“Where?”

“Dunno…but it looked like the thing I saw in the sky when I was fishin’ with Raijin and Fujin…that’s all what I remember.”

“Hum…” Zell looked away thinking. _“That’s there when your memories stop…”_

“Do…do ya think I’m normal?” asked Seifer.

“Of course! Why are you thinking you’re not?”

“Coz’…I can’t remember…and coz’ I’m here. This place…only sick and crazy people are here…” he realized Zell could be offended by his words. “Ya are different coz’ ya’re not crazy…just unhappy and your body is hurt so ya need to be cured…but what about me? I don’t feel abnormal or somethin’…but Matron thinks it…”

“Matron doesn’t think it at all…”

“Then, why doesn’t she come to pick me? Why should I stay here if I’m normal?”

“Seifer…Matron is very busy and she doesn’t have the time to take care of you…”

“No…she doesn’t want to be with me. That’s why I’m here…”

“No, don’t think that please…”

“But…” Seifer was about to cry again but contained his pain. His voice cracked. “But…why did she bring me to this doctor if I was normal? Even Raijin and Fujin were wondering what was wrong with me…and people look at me differently than ya…as if I was a bad person…”

Zell smiled with sadness. He dragged Seifer against his chest to hug him. “Seifer, don’t let people running you down. You’re not abnormal. I like you the way you are and I really treasure our friendship. Don’t doubt about Matron’s love because she would give everything to pick you with her…”

Seifer held Zell tightly. These words seemed to be comforting.

“You’re right: It’s unfair to ask you so many things about you when I never tell you anything about me…wanna hear my story?”

“Yes.” Nodded Seifer looking at Zell.

“Alright…” Zell kept his eyes down, rubbing Seifer’s hand with his. He just needed to hold something because recalling the past was hard for him. “I was working in a big place, called “Garden” in Balamb, with my friends. I was a soldier and at this time, I was really happy. We just finished a difficult mission and people treated us like heroes. I had a good job, my friends around me and my mother was living at Balamb, so I could visit her whenever I wanted. Life was perfect…until my last mission. Things didn’t go on the right side and there had been an explosion in the building where I was. I survived but I became disabled. I couldn’t be a seed anymore…and the person that I cherished the most died in the explosion…” Zell felt the tears coming to his eyes. He refused to look Seifer because he was ashamed of his own weakness. “I really loved her and…I miss her every day…and…”

Seifer took Zell in his arms again, stroking his hair. The little blonde couldn’t restrain his tears anymore and cried on his shoulder. He needed to talk, to evacuate all the pain he kept for himself. But he never managed to do it with anyone before. Seifer didn’t say a word and let Zell cry until he felt enough strength to talk again. After some minutes, the martial artist felt better and continued his story where he stopped.

“My friends were worried for me and didn’t know what to do to help me. That’s why they sent me here. I was really mad at them but I begin to understand their reasons…and you should do the same with Matron. She didn’t abandon you, Seifer. If she brought you here, it’s probably because she thought it was the better thing to do for you…”

“Really?”

“Yes. You know, I think she also felt she changed that night when you met the angel. Maybe she was afraid to hurt you or something?”

“But…Matron is too kind to hurt anyone!”

Zell shook his head. _“If only you knew what she did, Seifer…”_ he put his hand on Seifer’s cheek, still fixing his piercing green eyes. “I’m sure she will tell you one day, but you have to believe in her. I saw the sadness in her eyes when she left us today…she misses you a lot. Don’t think she likes to be far away from you. On the contrary, it hurts her more than you can imagine.”

“I believe in her…and in ya.”

“Good. It’s already late. You should go to bed now.”

“K…” Seifer got up and put his shoes again. Zell accompanied him to the door. “Zell?”

“Yes, Seifer?”

“Ya…ya won’t drink again right?”

The blonde was a bit disconcerted by the question. He didn’t consider himself as an alcoholic and he had enough that people were telling him the same thing. But he couldn’t be mad against Seifer.

“I’m not alcoholic, Seifer. So, you don’t have to worry. I won’t become like your mother.”

Seifer nodded, relieved. He moved closer and deposed a soft kiss on Zell’s cheek. “Good night, Zell.”

“Good night, Seifer. Have sweet dreams.” Then, Zell closed the door when Seifer returned in his room. He touched his cheek, blushing. It was so comforting to be loved this way…


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big revelations about Zell and Seifer's past.  
> See you

When Zell woke up the next morning, he decided to call his mother. She probably wanted to see him as much as he did. He missed her. Two months already passed since he arrived here. He felt a bit better due the sessions with Elise, but he still refused to go on support group. He continued to do the exercise sessions but it wasn’t really effective. Elise asked him to keep a diary to express some of his thoughts he couldn’t tell her, but he declined. He took the notebook she gave to him but didn’t write anything.

Since he was a kid, Zell kept the bad thoughts and the difficult moments he endured deep inside him. But sometimes, it came out, so he had to occupy his mind to never have the time to think about it. Training, parties with friends, training, lessons at the garden, training, missions, Lydia...he never had to think. It was actually why his friends blamed him: he always acted before thinking. But it wasn’t because he was too impulsive, immature or something. It was just to avoid thinking what he kept for himself. It worked…until Lydia’s death. Since things came together, he also became disabled. Even at this time, he tried to occupy his mind again: if the trouble came, deal with it! That was what he said to himself. He couldn’t use the left part of his body, and so? He still had the right part and even just with one hand, he could still fight…but he was wrong and he understood it quickly. Then, days started to get longer and he couldn’t run away from his thoughts, from his guilt…so he began to drink. Alcohol was a good thing to make him lose his mind in an imaginary world where he was happy with a nice family with Lydia and their child, where he was still a strong fighter, where people and his friends looked at him with respect, where he was the pride of his mother…And, at the morning, he went back to the cruel world.

He composed the number on his phone and approached the handset to his ear. He took a large breath, waiting for an answer.

_“Hello?”_

“…”

 _“Hello?”_ called Miss Dincht again.

But Zell was frozen. He couldn’t pronounce a single word. It was as if something was stopping him.

_“Hello? Is there anybody there?”_

But he hung up the phone. He didn’t find the courage to talk. He didn’t know why. Maybe because he was feeling ashamed to have become what he was? Maybe because he didn’t face his mother since a long time? He just couldn’t. He shook his head sadly, ashamed by himself.

“No balls, Dincht…You have no balls…” he said out loud, talking to himself.

Then, someone knocked at his door. He guessed it couldn’t be anyone else than Seifer. He went to open.

“Hi Zell! Ready to go?”

“Hi Seifer. Just a minute. Let me put my shoes.”

“Ok.”

“Come in.” Zell invited him to enter and took his shoes under his bed. Seifer followed him and waited. During this time, he was looking the garden under the rain through the window.

“It’s rainin’ again…”

“Yeah. I think we’ll go outside tomorrow.”

“Maybe we can watch a movie this afternoon? Matron brought me new ones.”

“Why not? Sounds good for me.” Zell finished and got up. “Alright, I’m ready.”

 

They went to take their breakfast as usual. Seifer was a very talkative kid so he never stopped speaking and asking questions to Zell. The martial artist was smiling with tenderness listening to him. He was wondering how his mother could have been so nasty with him when he was so cute. He wanted to understand what happened to his family; if he had a dad; how his mother died…it wasn’t just by curiosity but maybe because he wanted to prove to Seifer he wasn’t abnormal. Yesterday, when Seifer asked him what was wrong with him, Zell couldn’t have answered. Yes, the other Seifer deserved to be hated after all what he did and because of his bad temper. But the child he was didn’t. What did he do to be hated that much by his mother? Actually, a part of him wanted to find answers or excuses which justified the reason why Seifer turned like this when he grew up. Nobody was born as a bad person…events changed people and made them become what they were. He refused to believe Seifer was just a tough child…

 

Zell arrived in Elise’s office as every morning.

“Good morning, Zell.”

“Morning.” He sat in front of her.

“So? How are you today?”

“Fine. Everything is wonderful here…” replied sarcastically Zell.

Elise raised an eyebrow. “You don’t need to be so cynical…”

“You don’t need to ask me every day the same question when you know perfectly what would be my answer.”

“I see you’re in a bad mood today. Did you argue with Seifer?”

“No.”

“Then, what’s the problem?”

“What’s the problem?? You ask me what’s the problem? Well, where should I start? I’m locked in a place I hate; I’m far away from my home, my family and my friends; I’m a depressive guy; I’m disabled; I’m fucking losing my time every day to talk with you about my emotions which produces nothing else than pain each time I think about it; I can’t receive visits…should I continue??”

“I can understand this situation is difficult for you. But I’m trying to help you. Maybe you don’t see the interest of the sessions we have every day but I can tell you it’s really effective, contrary of what you could think. But you must understand the concept of the therapy: you have to find your own answers, Zell. I understand more than you do yourself, but it’s not my role to give you answers. You have to find it by yourself because this way you will manage to understand what is wrong with you, and at this time, you will know what to do.”

Zell looked away, through the window. “What if I don’t want to find these answers?”

“Don’t you want to get better?”

“I…” he made a pause, thinking about what he really wanted. “I just want to stop suffering. Remembering all these things just bring pain…I don’t know how it is supposed to help me…”

Elise smiled. It wasn’t the first time she heard this argument when she forced patients to open themselves. “We can say…it’s like a wound which needs to be treated. It’s as if you have a knife planted in your flesh. You have to remove the knife to treat the wound, and, of course, it hurts when you take it off. But it’s necessary…”

“So this therapy is the knife?” smirked Zell.

“No, Zell. The pain you keep inside of you is the knife. The therapy is the cure. I’m just trying to remove the knife to be able to treat you.”

“No…all what you do is twisting this knife in my wound. You don’t help me this way, even if it’s your first and unique goal. I have no doubt about your sincerity, but you just hurt me more than you help me…”

“Zell…maybe you’re the one who twists the knife? Being depressive is a thing, but destroying yourself is another one.”

“I’m not into self-destruction.”

“Yes you are. Yes, you’re not in a self-mutilation process, but you’re using other ways to stab yourself…”

“Like what?”

“Alcohol, denial…”

Zell laughed bitterly. Elise continued her explanation.

“I read your file and I had a long conversation with your friends. They told me you disobeyed to the orders more than once going to the training center when you perfectly knew you couldn’t fight anymore because of your handicaps.”

“And so? Is it a crime to try?”

“You know as I do that you had no intention to train when you went there…Besides, the amount of alcohol you consumed wasn’t what an alcoholic drank usually…”

“For the last time…I’M NOT AN ALCOHOLIC!”

“I agree with you to this point, Zell. You’re not.”

He frowned. “What?”

“You’re right: you’re not an alcoholic.”

This conversation started to get on his nerves and he felt he was about to explode soon. “Then, if you know it, could you tell me WHAT THE FUCK I’M DOING HERE??”

“When I say you’re not alcoholic, I don’t mean you don’t have a drinking problem. But in your case, it’s not an addiction. You can easily stop whenever you want. But the truth is you never really wanted to stop because it was a way as another one to get what you wanted…”

“And what do you think I want?”

“Death.”

The two of them looked each other straight in the eyes. Elise never broke the contact and continued to talk.

“Drinking is a way to escape from your reality, but it’s also a manner to kill you. When you went to the training center, you just wanted to be killed by a powerful creature there. You never went to train. But you failed to die, more than once because people were rescued you all the time. So, you found another way to reach your goal with alcohol…” she took a piece of paper. “I read the blood alcohol level that Doctor Kadowaki wrote each time you ended at the infirmary. It doesn’t correspond to the profile of an addictive guy. But even that way, you failed…”

“You don’t know anything…” whispered Zell glaring at her.

“For your last attempt, you put all your chances to succeed drinking and going to the training center…and you failed again…”

“What? It’s all what you found? You think I’m suicidal? If I really was that desperate I would have cut my veins or jump from the window a long time ago!”

“Wasn’t it what you tried to do when you arrived there?”

He flinched when she said this. She kept her eyes on him.

“Did you really think I would have believed in Seifer’s story?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about…” lied Zell looking away.

“You never fell “accidentally”, Zell. Admit it.”

“What should I admit?”

“Admit you tried to die this day. I didn’t believe in you when you said you were just “exploring”. There’s nothing at the fourth floor.”

“And what do you think it happened this day?”

She put her hands on her desk. “Well, I think you went to the fourth floor to jump from the window. You chose the last floor to be sure you wouldn’t fail this time. Besides, you chose the only place where there was no protection barrier under the window. But Seifer saw you and he saved you. Am I wrong?”

Zell avoided her glance. She knew she was right and he hated it. He was just wondering how could she have guessed it.

“To Seifer’s defense, he didn’t say anything to me. I’ve tried to make him talk about this day but he’s loyal and didn’t betray you.”

“I never asked him to lie for me.”

“I know…but he did it by his own because he didn’t want to bring you troubles.” She smiled with kindness. “Do you realize how much he cares about you?”

“Yes…”

“Zell, Seifer doesn’t stay with you only because he’s feeling lonely. He’s watching you. He’s watching you all the time to prevent your next attempt.”

Zell blushed. “Did…he tell you this?”

“No. I don’t need to hear it from him to see it by myself. Plus, he is more observant despite of his young age. He’s not blind, Zell. He perfectly knows your distress and he wants to help you, like I do…”

The blonde felt his heart beating faster. The emotions were screaming in his head to be released. The tears were already pouring along his cheeks without he had the time to realize it.

 “Zell…”

“..he..he’s so cute.” cried the martial artist. “You know, he even cut my meat for me the last time during the lunch and he even didn’t tell me…he knew I couldn’t do it by myself because of my handicap…and when I say I don’t want to talk about something, he doesn’t insist…he always knows what to say to make me smile and laugh again…” Zell was smiling and crying on the same time. Seifer’s affection was touching him more than anybody could imagine.

Elise went to his side and took his left hand. He didn’t feel anything. Even Seifer’s touch was different from the others.

“Don’t you want to get better for him?”

“I do…but I don’t know if I’m capable of this...”

“Then, stop preventing people to remove this knife in your wound. Seifer, your friends, your mother and I, have no other goal to heal you, Zell. But for this, you have to open yourself…”

Zell nodded, wiping his tears. “I’ll try…”

Elise went back to her chair again. ”It’s a good resolution. I’m proud of you.” She checked her planning. “I guess you still don’t want to go to support group?”

“I’m not ready yet…”

“Okay. Did you try to call your mother?”

He looked down, defeated. “I’ve tried…but I hung up without talking.”

“Why?”

“Because…” He squeezed his knee with his right hand. “Because you brought something when you talked about my father the last time and…I don’t think I could face her…”

“I noticed it when I brought this subject with you…you never talked with your mother about your father’s death?”

“Not really…”

“Would you like to talk to me about this?”

“Don’t think so…not today…”

She searched something in her file and found it. “Zell, I think you should have a real conversation with her about this before talking to me. There’s something you hid deep inside you …I don’t know what it is but…I think it’s better to tell her first because maybe she has no idea about your feelings. She would find the right words, better than me.”

“I can’t…”

“Please. I know it’s hard even if I have no idea what you could have on your mind about this. But I can guess it’s something really important to put you in this state…and it’s probably a cause of your depression.”

“You think so?”

“Yes. I’ll call your mother for you if you want.”

“No…I’ll do it myself.”

“Good. I think we’re done for today. Try to rest a bit.”

“Fine.” Zell got up and was about to leave when he stopped in front of the door. “I’m sorry for earlier…”

“Don’t. I’m used to deal with these kind of reactions. But thanks to apologize.” She reassured him smiling.

“Thanks for understanding. See you tomorrow.”

“Have a nice day.”

 

* * *

 

Zell returned in his bedroom. His sessions were more and more difficult because Elise brought some painful memories to him. But she was right: he had to face it and stop running away. He had enough anyway. When he arrived in front of his door, he changed his mind and decided to knock to Seifer’s room. He didn’t want to be alone.

He heard some steps running and Seifer opened the door. “Zell!”

Zell just smiled at him and entered. Seifer’s room was messy because he built his fortress with pillows and the blanket. There were books and candies everywhere.

“Took ya a long time to come back…I was worried…” said Seifer. “Wanna some candies?”

But Zell stayed quiet, still on his feet, head down. Seifer approached and took his left hand. Zell shivered when he felt his touch. It was like a tickle but he could feel something at least…

“Zell?”

The martial artist fell in Seifer’s arms heavily. Fortunately, the other blonde was taller, so he could support his weight.  Zell wasn’t moving. He was just pressing his body against Seifer’s…and the other one understood he needed a hug. He enrolled his strong arms around Zell’s shoulders and stroked the back of his head. He didn’t talk…but he heard Zell crying softly. Seifer didn’t know what to do to comfort him. He thought and thought again and got an idea…he began to sing, still caressing Zell’s hair tenderly.

_“If you’re cold, lay on the sand to let the sun warming you_

_Boko, the chocobo_

_If you’re hungry, look for a tree_

_Boko, the chocobo_

_If you’re lost, stay on the land to let mommy picking you_

_Boko, the chocobo_

_If you’re tired, don’t be lazy_

_Boko, the chocobo…”_

 

Zell chuckled when he heard Seifer singing. It was an old song Matron used to sing at the orphanage when they had a nightmare. It reminded him his childhood. Since Seifer didn’t recall anything else except this part of his life, he thought it was the best way to comfort him. He continued to sing dancing slowly still hugging Zell in his arms. Even the martial artist sang with him.

 

_“If you’re thirsty, look for a river and don’t drink the sea water_

_Boko, the chocobo_

_If you’re afraid, fly in the air_

_Boko, the chocobo_

_If you feel lonely, think about your friends and you’ll feel better_

_Boko, the chocobo_

_Wait and mommy will be there…”_

 

The two friends continued to sing together, dancing in each other arms. Zell felt all his pain vanishing. Even being a kid, Seifer knew the right words to comfort him; with just a song, he gave him happiness…and it was as if the song had been written for him…

“ _Even with my hair, I look like a chocobo…maybe I’m Boko?”_ wondered Zell laughing.

After this moment of innocence, Zell found his smile again. Seifer’s bright face was reassuring him with his affection.

“You remember Matron’s song?”

“Yes…it works all the time. See? Ya stopped cryin’…”

“You’re right…thank you, Seifer.”

“Wanna watch a movie with me?”

“With pleasure…but before, I’ve something else to do. Can you prepare the dvd? I come back in few minutes.”

“Where are ya goin’?”

“To my room. I need to call my mother.”

“K…but hurry up!”

Zell stroked Seifer’s hair. “Roger!” Then, he left to return in his room. He breathed heavily but with relief, as if he found the strength to do what he couldn’t have done this morning. He took the handset phone and called his mother.

_“Hello?”_

“Ma? It’s me.”

_“Zell! My darling! How are you? I wanted to call you earlier but Doctor Garnet told me it was too soon to enter in contact with you and…”_

“I’m fine, Ma. Don’t worry. She allowed me to receive some visits. Just one in the month and just you, to begin. When can you come?”

_“I can come to the center? Really?”_

“Yes. But if you’re busy…”

_No! Not at all! I started to despair to not see you! I’m so happy!!”_

“Me too, Ma. I miss you.”

_“I miss you so much, my darling, but it’s for your own good…”_

“I know. So? When can you visit me?”

_“Well, can I come tomorrow? I’ll take the train this afternoon, so I will arrive tomorrow morning.”_

“Good. The visits are allowed after lunch time so it’s perfect.”

_“Great! Do you need something in particular? Clothes? Food?”_

“It’s okay. No need to bother with this.”

_“It’s not a problem. I’ll bring you some sweet meals and cakes.”_

“Thank you. Well, if you have some books for children, it would be nice.”

_“Ah?”_

“Yes. There’s a little boy here who is always with me. He likes tales and epic stories but I already read him every book of the library here, so…”

_“Oh…it’s so nice of you to take care of this kid.”_

“You know, he’s adorable and I even say he’s the one who takes care of me.”

_“Really? It’s wonderful you have some company there. How old is he?”_

“Eight.”

_“Okay. No problem. I’ll take some books for him.”_

“Thank you, Ma. Then, see you tomorrow.”

_“Yes. Take care of you, my love. I can’t wait to see you!”_

“Me too. I love you.”

_“I love you too, darling. See you tomorrow.”_

They ended their conversation. Zell sighted happy. He did it. He returned in Seifer’s room immediately after that.

 

* * *

 

The next day, after his breakfast, Zell didn’t go to see Doctor Garnet. Since he planned to see his mother after the lunch break, Elise thought it would be better to give him some rest, because Zell had to talk with his mother seriously. Giving more frustrations and pain wasn’t the right thing to do. Zell needed some strength for this and he had to prepare himself. But Elise asked him to meet her after his mother’s departure and he agreed.

Seifer and Zell were in the garden, after had finished their breakfast. They were looking at the city far away from their usual spot.

“Seifer?”

“Yeah?”

“You know…today, my mother is coming to visit me after the lunch, so…I won’t be there with you this afternoon…”

The tall blonde put the binoculars on the bench and looked at Zell, a bit worried.

“Don’t misunderstand: it’s not like I wanted to keep you away, but…I’ve something personal to say to my mother and…it’s not easy.”

“K…” said Seifer, trying to hide his disappointment. Zell felt sorry to let him alone for all the afternoon and noticed Seifer’s sadness in his eyes.

“Come here.” Said Zell holding his hand to the other man.

Seifer took his hand and approached, head down.

“I have to meet Elise when my mother will leave. I know you wanted to stay with me and I’m really sorry…but maybe you could stay with me later tonight?”

“Really?”

“Yes. We could watch a movie and I’ll tell you other tales if you want…”

Seifer smiled happily. “Yes! Yes!!”

Zell was relieved to see him so joyful. He stroked his hair gently. “Good. It’s gonna be nice…”

The scarred man took Zell’s left hand with his. The little blonde shivered lightly when he felt the touch. It was really strange because when people touched him usually, he felt nothing. It wasn’t a big sensation but he was feeling at least something when Seifer touched him.

“Can I sleep with ya tonight?” demanded Seifer.

Zell blushed furiously. They already slept together in the same bed the last time but it was because Seifer had a rude day and had been beaten. It didn’t really bother him but it was a bit embarrassing. Yes, he was a kid but physically, he was an adult.

“Hum…well, yes, why not?”

“Great!!”

* * *

After the lunch, the two men returned in their rooms. They were walking together in their corridor when they reached their door. Seifer went in front of his room and gave a last glance to Zell.

“See you later, Seif.” Zell was about to enter when he felt Seifer’s strong arms covering his shoulders. He should be used to his affection but each time, he was surprised by this, happily.

The tall blonde kissed his cheek tenderly and let him go. “See ya…” Then, he returned in his room and closed the door behind him.

Zell stayed immobile, rubbing his cheek softly. He didn’t remember Seifer was that cute and loving when he was a child but in fact, he never had the time to know him better. It was as if he felt Zell needed some strength right now, so he just gave him a hug, to encourage him. He smiled thinking about him and took a large breath before going in his room.

“Zell! Darling!”

“Ma…”

Miss Dincht ran to his son to hug him tightly. “I missed you so much…”

“Me too, Ma. Thanks for coming.”

“I’m so happy to see you, my love.” She caressed his cheek with tenderness. “You look good…”

“Yes. I started a therapy.”

“Oh, really? How is it going?”

“Well, I suppose. I mean, it’s painful sometimes, but it’s necessary and I think I made some progress…”

“Thanks Hyne. It’s wonderful. I was so worried for you. I didn’t know what to do…”

“I know, Ma. I’m sorry to have made you so anxious…”

“No, Darling. Don’t apologize. I wished I could have helped you better but…”

“It’s okay…”

She took his hand and dragged him to his bed. She showed him a big bag. “I brought you some clothes and magazines, and I prepared your favorites meals.”

She already put several plates on his desk: fresh hotdogs, cheese breads, chocolate cakes, blueberry muffins, apple pies…

“Ma…how did you manage to bring all these things traveling with the train?”

“Don’t worry for this. I arrived early this morning so Sir Laguna allowed me to stay at the Palace until the lunch time. He let me use the kitchen there.”

“It’s so nice of you…thank you so much.”

“Do you want to eat something?”

“I just finished my lunch, so maybe later?”

“Okay. I also brought you some books for children as you asked me. Where’s the little boy you mentioned on the phone?”

“Oh…he’s in his room. I told him you were coming and I needed to talk with you.”

“If it’s for me, I’m fine. I’ll be glad to meet him.”

Zell felt a bit sorry to lie to his mother. Actually, he didn’t really lie to her when he said he was an eight-years-old boy, but he didn’t tell her it was Seifer. He didn’t want she knew because even if he trusted her, she could say it accidentally to Squall and the others and nobody needed to know Seifer was here with him.

“No, Ma. It’s not because of you. I…” Zell made a pause. Now, it was the time to face her. “I’ve something important to tell you. That’s why I asked him to give us some privacy…”

“Oh…it sounds serious. I’m listening. You can tell me everything, darling.”

Zell sat on the bed. His mother followed him and did the same. She was holding his hands, facing him. Zell was particularly nervous.

“I…I never told you before but…I’m sorry. I’m really really sorry…”

“Zell…honey! Why are you apologizing for?”

The martial artist began to cry. “I’m so sorry…I never forgave myself and…you never blamed me for anything but I know it’s my fault…I’m so sorry…”

“Zell! What are you talking about? Why should I blame you??” she asked worried, wiping the tears on his face with her hand. “Tell me…”

“Dad…Dad died because of me…”

“Wh..What???”

“It’s my fault! If…if I hadn’t been sick, he wouldn’t have gone to the pharmacy for me and…he would have come back to home…and…”

“Oh no…Zell…”

“And…he wouldn’t have had this accident and…he would be still alive, with us…it’s my fault, Ma…”

“Darling…”

“I was so ashamed that…I never found the strength to visit his grave…I hate myself! It’s my fault…”

She grabbed his face with her hands. “Wait a minute…how long have you thought this way?”

“Always…that’s why I went to the Garden. I couldn’t stay at Balamb…each place remembered me Dad and…I couldn’t stand it. It’s my fault…”

“But…why have you never said it before??”

“Because…I was scared…”

“About what?”

“I…I was scared you hated me…I wanted to apologize so many times but…I thought if I told you, you would hate me…but I can’t run away anymore. I don’t want you believe that Dad’s death didn’t affect me at all…” he cried harder. “I…I think about him every day…I miss him so much…”

Zell’s mother was frozen. She never talked with her son about this subject. She thought Zell was stronger than her and managed to deal with his pain. He was the one who gave her the strength to live again after this tragedy. But she was wrong…all this time, Zell blamed himself for something he wasn’t responsible and she never knew.

“Zell…I can’t believe it…”

“Ma…I’m so sorry…I swear I would do anything to go back in the past and…”

But she cut him. “How could you have thought this way??? Of course it wasn’t your fault!!”

“But…”

“But nothing! It was an accident, Zell! I never thought even for a second it was your fault!”

“Yes it was mine! He would have returned to home if it hadn’t been for me and…”

“No! It doesn’t matter why he didn’t return at home immediately after his work. I could have asked him anything else and he would have gone to the city…no one could have predicted he would have had an accident!”

“Ma…”

She hugged him against her. “Oh, Zell…how could I have been that blind? I never knew you felt this way during all this time. My angel…” she started to cry. “I thought…you were stronger than me about this. I never talked with you about your Dad because I thought it would bring you painful memories…but I didn’t know…I couldn’t know…” she was really hurt by Zell’s confession. Now, she was feeling guilty. “If only I’ve noticed it before, I would have told you sooner…my darling. I can’t believe you blamed yourself during all these years for something you didn’t do…”

“I’m so sorry…”

“No…never apologize again for this! Never again! Do you hear me?”

“But…”

“Zell, enough! Never say it again! It wasn’t your fault. It was an accident and your father would be sad to know you blamed yourself for his death. He loved you and…I know he’s proud of you.”

“I miss him…”

“I miss him too, my darling. But we can’t change things…” she kissed his forehead tenderly. “Forgive me to never have seen your pain…I can’t believe I was so blind…my angel. You suffered so much all these years and you kept it for you…”

“So…you don’t hate me?”

“Oh, Zell…how could I ever hate you? You’re the best thing that could have happened to me in my life. I will never hate you, whatever you could do.” She took his hands with her. “Forgive yourself, honey. Your father and I are proud of you. You gave us more happiness and joy that you could imagine…so please, never think that again. I’m begging you…”

“I never found the strength to say it to you before…I feel idiot to have waited for so long…”

“The therapy really helped you. I’m glad we managed to talk about this.”

“Yes…”

She smiled at him with tenderness. She never suspected Zell had suffered that much about his father’s death. He had deep scars in his heart he still needed to heal, but the therapy was working. So, she was reassured now.

“When…when I’ll leave this place…I’ll go to visit Dad with you at the cemetery.”

She sighted with relief. “It would be so great…”

“I will.I promise. I’ll do my best to get better quickly.” He looked at her without shame. “Tell him I love him…and I’ll come soon.”

“He already knows, Zell. But I will. Don’t worry.”

“Thank you.”

They passed the rest of the day talking about Zell's father and the last events at Balamb. His mother told him everybody at the Bgu missed him a lot and wanted to visit him but Doctor Garnet asked to wait a bit longer.

“Darling, tell me: what this little boy is doing here? I mean, he should have parents, right?”

“Oh…no, Ma. He’s an orphan. Besides, he’s a bit…special.”

“What do you mean by that?”

Zell wasn’t at ease at all with this question. He couldn’t tell her he was talking about Seifer Almasy.

“Well, he’s kind of retarded. He’s an adult actually, but with the mind of a child so…” lied Zell.

“I see. Poor boy…”

“But he’s really kind. He always makes me laugh…”

“I’m glad he gives you some company there. I was afraid you feel lonely…”

“It’s okay now, thanks to him…and he helps me a lot, giving me support.”

“Hyne bless him to take care of you that well. Next time, tell him to stay with us. I’d like to thank him personally.”

“I will. Thank you.”

 

Then, at the end of the day, Miss Dincht left the center to return at Balamb. She promised him to come back in a month. The goodbye had been hard for the both of them but they couldn’t help it. Zell just hoped to get better quickly to leave…and to bring Seifer with him.

The martial artist waved at his mother a last time and went to Elise’s office. He hoped it wouldn’t be too long because he really wanted to see Seifer. He knocked at her door.

“Come in.”

“Good afternoon, Elise.”

“Hi Zell. Have a sit, please.”

Zell sat in front of her. He seemed to be in a good mood. Elise noticed and took her book note.

 “So? How was your visit with your mother?”

“Good…I was really glad to see her.”

“I know it’s hard and you miss her…but your presence here is just temporary.”

“Yes…” Zell smiled. He rubbed his left arm with his hand softly. “I…talked with her about my dad.”

“It’s a good thing. How did it go?”

“I told her everything I kept for myself since his death…and she was really surprised because she never had suspected this…but she didn’t blame me. On the contrary…”

“I guessed there was something about your father. Are you ready to tell me now?”

“Yes.” Zell took a big breath and began to explain. “I always thought it was my fault if my father died because…when he finished his work this day, he was supposed to come back to home immediately. It was a raining day. But…I was sick. My mother called him and asked him to go to the pharmacy for me…and, on the road, he had this accident…”

“I see…so, you blamed yourself during all this time, did you?”

“Yes. I thought if it hadn’t been for me, Dad would have come back to home and nothing would have happened. Of course I couldn’t know but…it’s hard to think that my dad died because I caught a cold and I needed some medicines…”

“Did you ever talk with a therapist, your mother or anyone else before today?”

“No…I kept this for me. I never had the courage to visit his grave since his death…my mother never forced me because she didn’t want to make me sad, and we never talked about this…”

“So, it was like a taboo?”

“Sort of…”

“Hum…” Elise wrote something. “Did you think about your father often?”

“Every day…”

She wrote something else before removing her glasses. “You know…I talked with your friend, Mister Leonhart before your arrival. He told me before your accident, you used to be very lively.”

Zell frowned. “What is the point with my father?”

“There’s a point. You needed to keep your mind busy to avoid bad thoughts and painful memories…”

The blonde was about to answer but he didn’t speak. He was thinking about what she said. “You…you think I relieved the same experience when Lydia died? That it recalled me my father’s death?”

“What do you think about this?”

“Maybe…yes. In these two cases, I blamed myself. I…I thought I caused their deaths and…I don’t know…”

“What your mother said to you when you told her your feelings about this?”

“She was…sad. She didn’t understand how I could have thought this way all this time and she blamed herself to never have seen my pain before…”

“Why did you never tell her?”

“I was afraid of her reaction. I thought she would hate me…”

“And what did you feel when you saw she wasn’t angry against you?”

“I was…relieved. Yes, relieved because I prepared myself to be rejected…to be hated and blamed…and now, I feel guilty to have doubted about her feelings toward me…”

“Zell, don’t you realize you’re just starting to forgive yourself? You finally managed to tell to your mother what you felt during all these years. You’re feeling better because you understand it wasn’t your fault. You needed to hear it from her to appease your pain…”

“Maybe…”

She sighted. Zell didn’t seem to be convinced. “Zell, can you tell me why you wanted to become a seed?”

“What?”

“Just tell me, please.”

“Well…because I wanted to protect my mother, people in Balamb; because I liked this place and I wanted to be useful…”

“And?”

“And…because I wanted to be far away from there…Each place of Balamb recalled me my father. It was hard to be there sometimes…but I wanted he could be proud of me.”

She smiled with tenderness. “Becoming a seed, you were looking for redemption.”

“Redemption??”

“For your faults. You wanted to protect people you loved because you were afraid to feel the same pain you already endured with your father’s death, and because you needed to be forgiven for this. It worked…until Lydia’s death and you came back to the state you were. It became worse because your girlfriend was pregnant.”

“Do…do you think so?”

“You already experienced this pain in the past. You never cured your wound and you just hid it deep inside, but it didn’t disappear. Everything you tried so hard to keep for yourself came back and it exploded to your face when you became disabled. You couldn’t keep your mind focused on anything like you used to do and you were forced to confront your own feelings…that’s the point with the fact you were lively before your accident. You always managed to escape from your thoughts with training or keeping you busy, but with your handicap, you couldn’t do anything. Now, you’re starting to put words on your thoughts, your pains and your feelings.”

“It hurts…”

“I know, Zell. A therapy is never easy because it forces you to confront what you usually want to avoid. But don’t you feel better after have talked with your mother?”

“Yes…”

“It’s the most important thing. Now, we have to continue this work.”

“And…how I’m supposed to know when it would be done? I’ve so many things inside…”

“When the time will come, you’ll know. Each question has to find answer and I will help you for this.”

“Okay…” agreed Zell. “Can we stop for today, please? I’m a bit tired…”

“Of course. It was an emotional day for you…”

“Yes. Is it a problem if Seifer stays with me tonight? I didn’t see him a lot today and he’s probably lonely…”

“No problem.”

“Thanks. Well, see you tomorrow.”

“Good bye, Zell.”

 

* * *

 

The blonde left the office and returned to the second floor. He looked at thought the window, walking on the corridor; it was raining, again. He hated rain…but strangely, today, he didn’t really care. Maybe because he already found some of the answers he was looking for?

He knocked at Seifer’s door. He heard the tall blonde running to his door. “Zell!!” Seifer jumped in his arms.

“Whoa! Easy! I’m not going anywhere, you know?” laughed Zell.

“Yes! But…miss ya…”

“You saw me this morning, silly!”

“But it’s borin’ without ya…did ya see your mom?”

“Yes, she left. I just finished my session with Elise. Wanna go to my room?”

“Yes!” agreed Seifer with joy. He followed him and they went to the next room.

“Ma brought me some of my favorite meals. Have some.”

“Whoa!!” exclaimed Seifer with stars in the eyes. “Can I?”

“Of course! I can’t eat everything.”

Seifer took a muffin and savored it. “Sooo gooood….”

Zell couldn’t help but laugh. “Don’t eat too much or you won’t be hungry for dinner.”

“Don’t…care…it’s a million times better than the food at the refectory!!”

“Ma also brought me some books and movies for you.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Do you know these?”

Seifer shook his head still eating. “Looks fun…can we watch it tonight?”

“Yeah. I told Elise you would stay with me tonight so it’s okay.”

“Cool!!”

 

They tasted ma’s meals until dinner time. Indeed, neither Seifer nor Zell were hungry because they ate a lot before. They didn’t waste any time there and returned in Zell’s room. Seifer took his pyjama, his tooth brush and joined him. They watched a movie together, lying on the same bed and eating some candies.

“Zell?”

“Yes, Seifer?”

“Do ya have a dad? Ya said your mom came but ya never talked about your dad…”

“He died when I was five.”

“Oh…” He blushed. Zell stroked his hair to reassure him. He understood Seifer didn’t want to make him sad, recalling him bad memories. “Do ya remember him?”

“Yes…he was really nice and I loved him. I miss him every day…but I know he’s watching and protecting me from the heaven, so I’m fine now.”

“Hum…” smiled Seifer relieved.

“What about you?”

“…don’t know daddy…but I know he hates me…”

“Why are you saying that?”

Seifer seemed to be very sad suddenly. “…mommy told me…”

“What did she tell you?”

He pressed his legs against his chest and put the chin on his knees. “When mommy drank, she said daddy hated me…that it was my fault if he left…so mommy hated me too…”

Zell was really hurt by Seifer’s pain. He dragged him against his chest to comfort him. “Oh Seifer…you know, people say bad things when they are drunk…I’m sure she didn’t mean it.”

“…no…” whispered Seifer against Zell’s chest. “She said it even when she didn’t drink…but she was more nasty when she was drunk…”

“I’m sure your mother was in pain. She couldn’t understand she was hurting you. But if she really didn’t love you, that means she was a bad person.” Said Zell stroking his hair.

Seifer lifted his head to face Zell. They were really close to each other, practically touching forehead against each other. “Do…ya think I’m a bad person too?”

“No! Not at all! Why do you think that?”

“Coz’…people don’t like me. Dunno why…not everybody is crazy…” Seifer looked down, depressed. He was asking so many questions about himself, but there was nobody to answer. Elise didn’t have the time to take care of him since he wasn’t ill. Seifer just wanted to have someone who could love him, and since Matron couldn’t keep him with her, he felt so lonely. For a little kid, it was difficult.

“I like you.”

Seifer blushed again but didn’t look away, as if he wanted to check Zell’s sincerity.

“Seifer, you’re a good boy and a good friend. I will never let people talk badly about you because I really like you. Stop asking yourself if you’re a bad person or if you’re abnormal because you’re not. Sometimes, people don’t like you. You can’t help it. Just avoid and forget them. There will be always someone in this world who will love you whoever you are, so don’t be sad, please.”

The tall blonde hugged Zell, burying his face in his neck. “..like ya too, Zell. I like ya very much…wanna stay with ya forever.”

“Thanks.” Zell smiled, rubbing Seifer’s back with his hand. “You’ll never be alone again, Seifer. I’ll stay by your side, and when I’ll get better, I’ll bring you with me.”

“R..Really???”

“Yes. We’ll leave this place one day and we’ll go all around the world.”

“And we’ll go to see the chocobos in the forest?”

“Yes! You know, I rode one few years ago. I even saw their sanctuary.”

“A sanctuary?? Where is it?”

“Somewhere on the north, between Esthar and Trabia. We’ll go there if you want.”

“Oh yes!! I wanna see it. How is it?” demanded Seifer with curiosity and excitement.

“It’s a big and bright forest with trees and grass. It is above the sea, on a high hill. All the chocobos of the world go there. There’s re even babies with their mothers…”

“Whoa! It looks so cool!! Wanna go!!”

“Then, I’ll bring you there, promised!”

Seifer jumped in Zell’s arms, holding him tightly. He completely forgot his bad thoughts and was really happy now. He felt loved by Zell and it meant a lot to him to know that he wasn’t alone.

“Time to sleep now, big boy!”

The tall blonde nodded and lay on his back. Zell turned off the lights. “..night, Zell.”

“Good night Seifer.”

 They turned on their side, back to back, when Zell felt Seifer’s arms enrolled around his waist. He could feel his hot breath on his neck, but strangely, it didn’t bother him. On the contrary. He was used now with Seifer’s affection and he started to like it.

 

 

The next morning, Seifer woke up first. He rubbed his eyes and took some minutes to remember he didn’t sleep on his bed last night. He turned his head to look for Zell who was still asleep. The little blonde was on his back, snoring softly. Seifer was lying by his left side, cuddled against him. He lifted his body slowly to not wake him up and looked at him closely. Zell was more than a friend for him. He was a big brother, a father, a confident…and being with him made him happy. He couldn’t help it to touch him, caressing his soft skin with his longer fingers. Since he was touching the left part of his body, he knew he couldn’t feel anything. He was caressing his cheek and his lips, smiling. He stopped when Zell moved in his sleep. He lay on his back again, getting close to Zell and closed his eyes. He felt good and safe with him, so there was no other place he would like to be right now.

During this time, Zell was perfectly awake, but he was so embarrassed that he faked to be asleep. Seifer’s hand caressing his face wasn’t that bad, on the opposite actually, but it wasn’t that innocent. To begin with, yes it was because Seifer was a child; but he kept also his adult body, so when he touched him, he was touching him with the hands of an adult, which procured to the martial artist some pleasure…and shame, because he was thinking in a indecent way about him.

 

* * *

 

One month later.

Edea came back to visit Seifer and Zell. With the time, the two friends became even closer, which reassured Edea who was really worried for Seifer. Each time she had to leave him broke her heart a little bit more; she also knew she didn’t have any other choice. Seifer was too young to understand. She felt relieved to see that he was helping Zell with his problems. She had talked with Doctor Garnet to have her point of view about Zell’s progress and she was pretty confident. With Seifer by his side, the both of them knew that Zell was safe and he wouldn’t try to commit suicide again.

Edea came just after the lunch. She brought candies, cakes and books for Seifer and Zell. The tall blonde was so happy that he was jumping with joy and running everywhere. Since it was a raining day, they stayed on the room together, watching a film. Seifer fell asleep in the middle of the movie, on Edea’s knees. She took this opportunity to talk a bit with Zell.

“So, how are you, Zell?”

“I’m fine. My mother came one month ago. She’s gonna come back in a few days.”

“Good. Are you allowed to see your friends now?”

“Dunno…I have to ask. How are they?”

“Well, they’re look good…even if they miss you. I know Squall contacted Doctor Garnet to have some news about you.”

“Hum…”

Edea smiled and took his hand. “Are you still mad at him?”

“Not really…or maybe a little bit, I don’t know…but actually, it’s not a bad thing they sent me here or I wouldn’t have met Seifer there…”

“You really like him, do you?”

“Yes…he’s so cute. I forget everything when I’m with him.” He caressed his hair with tenderness. “There’s something I’d like to ask you about him…”

“Yes?”

“You know…he talked about his mother. He told me she was alcoholic and he didn’t know his father. Do you know something about his family?”

“Oh…well, to tell you the truth, I don’t know much about him. When they brought him to my orphanage, the social services just told me his mother was dead because of an alcohol poisoning. They found her at her home. His father never accepted to recognize his paternity, even if Seifer has his name…”

“He told me he used to leave his home when his mother was drunk because she beat him. This night, he left and got lost. Soldiers found him the next morning on the forest…”

“Poor boy…he was living at Timber with his mother at this time. The social services told me his biological father disappeared. I wonder if he’s still alive and why he didn’t recognize Seifer.”

“Matron…do you remember when you met Ultimecia at the orphanage?”

She frowned. “Why…are you asking me that?”

“Seifer told me he met her. I recalled what Squall said to us when he was stuck in the past during Time compression. You were running after him when Ultimecia appeared and she gave you her power. Do you remember?”

“Yes…but what is the point with Seifer?”

“He saw her first, before you and Squall. She talked with him and she told him his mother died and he shouldn’t be sad for her because she was nasty…he also told me you changed after that…”

“Hyne…I had no memory about this. What did he tell you?”

“He thought Ultimecia was an angel. When I asked him what kind of change he noticed in you, he didn’t know how to answer…but he felt something was different than before…”

Edea seemed to be really shocked. “I don’t remember…so many things happened…”

“You know…I think it is for this reason Seifer followed Ultimecia.”

 “Why are you thinking that? I’m not sure he even recalled her…”

“Maybe, but I’m sure he felt safe with her and that’s why he followed her. You know Seifer as I do. He could be rude but he wasn’t a monster…”

Edea smiled sadly. “I’m glad to hear that from you. I thought the same way for so long but nobody wanted to believe in me…I don’t know Seifer’s reasons but I refuse to think he betrayed you without any reason…”

“There’re so many questions about this…but it’s not like we could answer anyway. But I’d like you help me for something please…”

“Yes?”

“I’d like to know more about his family…”

“Why?”

“To prove him he’s not a bad boy. He wonders often why people hate him and it’s not like I could talk about the war and everything…but I just want to know. I think he deserves to discover his origins…will you help me?”

“Well, I think I can find some information about his mother at Timber in the civil registry…”

“I don’t want to cause you troubles or something. Going to Timber could be dangerous for you…”

“It’s okay. Nobody knows who I’m when I’m dressed normally. I think I owe this to Seifer either. After all, I was the one who dragged him with me in my madness…”

“Matron…”

“It’s okay…I’ll do it. I’ll call you when I’ll get information.”

“Thank you.”

Seifer woke up one hour later. They passed the rest of the day together and said goodbye to Edea at the end of the afternoon.

 

She took the train and came back to Galbadia. Usually, she took two trains: one at Esthar to Timber and a second one to reach Balamb. But this time, she decided to stay a bit longer at Timber. She called Cid and told her she wanted to stay a bit longer far away from Balamb to have some time for her and he agreed, even if he was suspected something. She took a room at the Timber Hotel for the night. Since it was past midnight when she arrived at Timber, she was a bit tired by the road and needed some rest.

 

* * *

 

The next day, she went to the city hall, at 8:30 a.m.

“Good morning, Miss. Can I help you?” asked the secretary.

“Good morning. I’d like to consult the civil registry please.”

“Sure. Follow me, please.”

Edea nodded and accompanied her in another room. There was nobody at his hour.

“Which period please?”

“Hum…I don’t know, but about twenty years ago…”

“Are you looking for a name in particular?”

Edea was nervous. She couldn’t tell her she was looking for something related to the Almasy family. “Well, I’m not sure about the name or the date, so I’d like to search by myself please. I don’t want to make you lose your time…”

“I’m here to help you, Miss. Don’t worry. But if you prefer to search by yourself, feel free to use the registry or the data base on the computer here.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Don’t hesitate to call me if I can help you.”

“I will. Thanks again.”

The woman smiled and left Edea alone. She closed the door behind her. Edea turned on the computer and searched in the data base the name “Almasy.” She found to entities.

“Ana and Sacha Almasy…”

She took a piece of paper with a pen and wrote it. She checked the date. About twenty years ago. She searched more information about Sacha Almasy but found nothing. She just had the date of their union, so she focused on Ana. She looked for a maiden name.

“…born Ana Sega…” she wrote this information and continued to search. There was no other information about her husband but she found more details about her.

“…birth of her child, Seifer Almasy, December 22th…waiting for a recognition of paternity…”

She searched other information about Seifer’s mother when she found it: “Last address known…38, oleak street, Timber…”

 

Then, the date of her death. Nothing else. She wrote everything and left the city hall, thanking the secretary. She took a map of the city to find her last address and went there. It was a small neighborhood, at the entrance of the city, with some dilapidated houses. An old woman was throwing her rubbish in a garbage can.

“Excuse-me, Miss. How long are you living here?”

The old lady turned around and glared at Edea. “Why?”

“I’m just looking for information about a woman who lived here about twenty years ago…I wondered if you could help me.”

The woman made a sign with her hand to Edea. “Let’s go to my house. It’s getting cold outside…”

“Thank you.” Edea followed her and entered. The house was small and run-down. “Are you living alone, Miss?”

“Yeah…since my husband’s death about fifteen years ago. Take a sit...”

“Thank you.”

The old lady came back with two cups of tea. She sat in front of Edea. “To answer you, yes. I live here since fifty years. I know everybody here. Who are you looking for?”

“Hum…someone called Ana. Ana Almasy.”

The lady laughed. “I see. I suppose you’re a reporter, right? You’re not the first one who asks me about her…probably because of her son. What a pity…” she shook her head sadly. “I already said the same thing to your colleagues: maybe her son is a monster but she was just a poor girl and I have no intention to injure her reputation further. Anyway, the war is over since three years. Why are you searching about this again? Nobody is interested by the sorceress’s knight anymore…”

“I’m not a reporter, Miss. Actually, I took care of her son during a short time after her death when he had been sent to my orphanage.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yes. I’m not looking for a scoop or something…”

“But why are you asking this now?”

“I’m just curious. I wonder how this sweet little boy could have turned that badly…”

“Why now?”

“Why not? I thought a lot about this recently and I just wanted to know…”

“Hum…” she drank her tea, fixing Edea. “You know…it’s not that surprising that kid turned this way. I didn’t know him much but life wasn’t easy for him or for his mother at this time…”

“I can guess…will you tell me?”

She seemed to hesitate but finally agreed. “I think I can trust you. You don’t look bad…” She finished her tea and began to speak. “Well, she bought the home next to mine with her husband about twenty years ago. It was the perfect little couple…and she got pregnant. They were pretty happy and impatient to be parents but when the child is born, her husband left. I never saw him again. I don’t know what happened but it affected Ana a lot. She couldn’t work anymore because of the baby and she was depressed all the time. She started to drink…I lost count how many times I found her lying on the street, completely drunk…” she remembered sorrowfully.

“Did she have family?”

“No, she was alone. My husband and I helped her to take care of the baby at the beginning. But she never recovered of her husband’s departure. She brought different men practically every night and she began to sell her body. Actually, it wasn’t really for money but more to have some company…”

“Did she take care of Seifer?”

“Not really. I heard her more than once yelling at him. He was often covered by bruises on his face and on his body.”

“Didn’t you warn social service about this?”

“Social services? Don’t make me laugh! Nobody gave a shit about this. I called them several times but they didn’t care. We tried to help the boy but when she understood he liked us and stayed most of his time in our home, she forbade him to leave the house. He was locked in his bedroom, so there was nothing we could do…and to be honest, we had our own problems at this time, so we minded our business. It’s selfish but we can’t help it…”

 “What happened?”

“Well, I heard her shouting as always one day and the kid ran away. Sometimes he hid in our garden; other times he left to go to the forest. He came back every morning at his home before his mother woke up. But one day, he was accompanied by two soldiers. I suppose they found him on the forest…and I heard his mother died because of an alcohol poisoning.”

“I see…do you know her husband?”

“Sacha? I just saw him a couple of time before the birth of their child. I don’t know what happened to him.”

“Okay…is there’s something else you could tell me about Ana?”

“That’s all what I know, but maybe you could ask to the bartender of the pub? She was working there before getting pregnant.”

“Thank you, Miss. I won’t disturb you any longer.”

“It’s okay. I don’t receive any visit so it was a pleasure.” She got up and accompanied Edea. “This kid had a rude childhood…but it doesn’t excuse his attitude. I judged badly his mother during all this time, but she was just a girl. You know, she really loved her husband. Everything happened because of him…”

“I don’t judge her or her son. On the contrary. But please, don’t be so rude with Seifer. I know he made mistakes but as you said, it hadn’t been simple for him…”

“I still wonder why you care so much about this…there’s nothing you could do to change things anyway.”

“Yes…but believe me, this boy wasn’t like that before. I don’t try to find excuse to justify his actions but I think he deserves to know his history.”

“Are you still in contact with him?”

“No…but I’ll write him when I’ll discover his past. I’m sure it will help him…”

“You’re good, Miss. Then, good luck in your researches.”

“Thank you. Have a nice day.”

 

 

Edea left the neighborhood to go to the pub. Since it was early in the morning, there weren’t a lot of people there. She went directly to the counter.

“What can I serve you, Miss?” asked the waitress.

“A lemon tea please. Is your boss there please?”

“Hum…yes. Just a minute.” She went to the kitchen and called him. She came back few minutes later with a tall man. She prepared her order and put a cup of tea on the counter. Edea paid and fixed the man.

“Can I help you?” demanded the man.

“Yes. Hum…could we speak somewhere in privacy please?”

“Sure. Follow me.” The man went to a table at the background of the pub. They sat around the table facing each other. “So? Do I know you?”

“No…actually, I’m an old acquaintance of one your former employee. Ana Sega…or I should say Ana Almasy.”

“Oh, let me guess: you’re a reporter, right? You know, I’m fed up about you and your colleagues! They came to question me about the knight’s parents just after the war. You’re pretty slow, my lady! I already said what I know: Ana died a long time ago and I don’t know what happened to her husband. Now, if it’s all what you wanted to ask me, I have to go back to work…” He got up but Edea grabbed his hand.

“No, please! I’m not a reporter, I promise. I told you: I’m Ana’s acquaintance. I just want to know what happened to her and to her husband, that’s all.”

The man sat again. “If you really are what you pretend, where were you when she died or when her husband left?”

Edea looked down. “Okay…I’ll be honest with you. I didn’t know her, but I raised her son at my orphanage before he had been sent to Balamb Garden when he was a five-years-old boy. I’m sad to see what Seifer became, knowing he was an adorable child. The war is over since three years but…I wondered often what he became and, even if it’s too late, I’d like to know more about his family. I’ve no other intention…”

The man fixed her with insistence. In the past, reporters harassed him with questions about Seifer’s parents and it really pissed him, as everybody in Timber. But there was a long time since nobody came to ask this again. The lady in front of him seemed to be sincere.

“I guess you told me the truth but I don’t see what I can tell you…”

“Just tell me what you know. It would be enough.”

“Fine…You know, Ana was a good girl. She worked pretty well. She used to work at Galbadia Hotel in Deling city at the hotel bar. Everybody liked her here…”

“She came from Deling city?”

“Yes. She went to Timber because she married Sacha. She was completely crazy in love with him. At this time, she was so happy…and she got pregnant. She continued to work few months and she retired. But she kept coming to visit us sometimes. And after she gave birth to her child, things changed…I don’t really know what happened between them, but Sacha left one day and abandoned them. Ana never recovered and fell into a depression. She came often to the pub to drink with her baby. When I saw that, I forbade my employees to serve her because she never had enough. She came here to drown her sorrows and I couldn’t stand it…I’ve tried to help her the best way I could, searching her husband, giving her some money, but nothing really worked. She always used the money to buy alcohol and she didn’t take care of her child. Fortunately, the neighbors were there for this. And one day, I heard they found her dead at her home. The kid had been sent to your orphanage and we went back to our routine…that’s all.”

“I talked with her neighbor before coming to meet you. She told me the same thing. Do you know something about her husband?”

“Sacha? This bloody bastard has no face! Abandoning his wife and his kid this way is the most selfish thing I ever saw in my life! If he comes back here, I’ll welcome him very well…” said the man bitterly.

“Did you meet him?”

“Yes. He came often with his colleagues before. He was the one who introduced his wife to me. When she arrived in Timber, she was looking for a job and he presented me Ana.”

“So, he was from Timber?”

“Yes. He was working as a reporter at the Timber Maniac. But after the birth of his child, he didn’t recognized the boy and left. Nobody knows what he became…”

“He was working at the Timber Maniac? Oh! Do you know if they kept the same director?”

“Dunno…You can ask them. Their building is not far away from here. Just take the staircases, but I suppose you saw it on your way when you came to my pub, right?”

“Yes. Thank you so much for your help, Sir, and forgive me to have taken your time with my questions.”

“It’s okay. I needed a pause anyway.” He got up and held his hand to Edea. “You know, contrary to the people here, I don’t hate the kid. I mean, life hadn’t been easy for him and, at the beginning, he tried to help Timber when he took Winzer Deling in hostage.”

“You’re a kind man, Sir. I hope more people would think the same way you do…”

“Well, it’s good to see some persons are still concerned about him and his family. I hope you’ll find your answers. Did you see him lately?”

“Not really…I hope he’s fine.”

“Yeah…well, good bye, Miss.”

“Good bye, Sir. Thanks again.”

 

 

 Edea left the pub and returned in the center of the town to reach the Timber Maniac. When she entered, she saw several piles of newspapers on the ground. A secretary was doing her nails when she noticed her.

“Hi Miss! Are you looking for something?”

“Hello. Yes. I wondered if I could meet your director please?”

“Let me check it.” She took her phone and composed a number. “I don’t think he would be busy right now but…” Someone answered her. “Hello? Judy’s speaking. Is the Boss busy? There’s a lady there who would like to talk with him?” She turned her attention on Edea again. “What’s your name, Miss?”

“E…Elena. I’m a friend of Laguna Loire.” Replied Edea nervously. Since Laguna worked here in the past, it would be easy to get their attention.

“Oh really? You know Mister Loire??” Judy took her conversation again. “Yes, she’s a friend of Laguna Loire. Yes…okay, I tell her.” She hung up. “The boss is gonna receive you. Just wait here a moment please.”

“Thank you. Is it the same director when Laguna was working here?”

“Yes. We never changed our boss. He wouldn’t want to leave anyway! He will die in his office!” joked Judy.

Edea laughed with her when a man joined them. “Miss Elena? Mister Ronsor is waiting for you. Follow me please.”

“I’m coming. It was a pleasure to meet you, Judy.”

“The pleasure is all mine, my Lady.”

Edea followed the man and he brought her in a small office. He closed the door behind her after she entered inside, leaving them alone. The director was in his chair at his desk, reading some documents. He put his glasses on the table and got up.

“Miss Elena? I’m Edgar Ronsor. Nice to meet you.”

“Please to meet you, Mister Ronsor.”

“Take a sit.”

She sat in front of him, crossing her legs.

 “So, you’re Laguna’s friend? There’s so much time I didn’t see him. How is he?”

“Oh, he’s pretty good. Still the same, even if he has more responsibilities now…”

“Yes! Such a big promotion he got! Esthar’s president…if someone told me one of my reporters would become the president of the most powerful country of the world I would never have believed it and I would never have betted on Loire! He was so messy and intrepid…”

 “He didn’t change even a bit! Believe me!”

“I trust you. This is not his style anyway…so? What can I do for you?”

“Well, I came to ask you some information about one of your former reporters…Sacha Almasy.”

The man lost his smile immediately. “Why?”

“It isn’t related to Laguna or Esthar, don’t worry. I’m here for personal reasons. I investigate on Seifer Almasy’s parents because I raised him after his mother’s death and I just wanted to know what happened to his family. I’m not in contact with him anymore but I’d like to know more about him…”

“But if you raised him, you should know about his history, right?”

“No…actually, he had been sent to my orphanage when he was three and he stayed just two years before had been sent to Balamb Garden. There’s a long time I didn’t see him. As everybody in the world, I know he became the sorceress’s knight…but I wondered if he still has a father or another parent…”

“So…you kept a mother-child-relationship despite he’s not your biological kid?”

“Sort of…”

“It’s understandable…Actually, it’s a good thing for him but I don’t suggest you to meet him again. He’s probably not the same anymore and you would be surprised…”

“I know…but I just want to know his past. I already talked with some people about his mother but nobody knows what happened to his father…”

“I’m not sure I should tell you…”

“You knew Sacha?”

“Yes…but this is complicated and…”

“Please, Mister Ronsor. If you know something, you have to tell me. I’ve no bad intention.”

“I believe in you but…”

“Do you know where he is?”

“No. I just know he left the city about twenty years ago after the birth of his kid. And, to be honest, after the exploits of his son, I don’t think he kept the same name…The name Almasy is related to the sorceress’s knight now, so…”

“Hum…you’re probably right. I think if he’s still alive, he doesn’t want to be found. But could you talk to me about him please?”

“You know…I’m not at ease with this…long time ago…”

“Please.” Insisted Edea.

The man blushed. The lady in front of him was beautiful and he was a bit embarrassed to refuse something to her.

“I don’t think I risk anything anymore…but please, don’t tell anybody I said it, okay? I could be in troubles…”

“I promise. My lips are sealed.”

“Okay…” The man crossed his hands together and put it on the desk. “Sacha was working as a reporter. As you should know, Galbadia invaded Timber a long time ago and we were on their authority. Actually we’re still on the same situation today…”

“I know. Don’t worry, I won’t say a word to anybody.”

“hum…well, the Timber Maniac always has been a part of the resistance, giving information to groups or spying the galbadian army. Sacha was an active member of the resistance and used his position as reporter to get information.”

“Did he join the Timber Maniac for this?”

“Kind of…his family was engaged in the war against Galbadia to defend Timber. His father had been killed in front of him when he was a teenager. His mother died few months later because of a disease. He enrolled the resistance but the repression became terrible and groups slipped. Without money and information, they weren’t really effective. It’s still the case today…”

“Yes…”

“So he joined us and started to work as a reporter. He did a pretty good job. He was supposed to follow the Galbadian army and relate their military exploits to serve the propaganda for the dictatorship. He was accredited to follow them and to question them, so he went often to Deling City. With his position, he had an access of a lot of information and could help the group of resistance with it.”

“Galbadian authorities never noticed his activities?”

“No. Sacha was pretty good at this and hid his real goals very well. Anyway, as I told you, he went often to Deling City and he met Ana there. She was working at the Galbadian Hotel. It was the love at first sight and they began to meet often…”

“Such a romantic story. People told me they were deeply in love…I wonder why they broke up…”

“Actually, it wasn’t just a “romantic story” as you could imagine…”

“Ah?”

“Yes. Sacha…used Ana, despite the fact he loved her…”

“He…used her? How?”

“Well, Ana was a beautiful woman and she was popular with soldiers. A lot of them went to the hotel to see Julia Heartilly playing and singing, but also to see Ana, since she was working there as a waitress…”

“You mean…”

“Sacha enrolled Ana in the resistance and he asked her to get information for him…if you know what I mean…”

“He…asked her to sell her body to get information??”

“He never explicitly told her this…but he demanded to use all the ways she had to get information. There was a soldier who deeply loved her and he always came to the hotel to see her. She got this information this way…and Sacha knew it.”

Edea was really shocked. “I can’t believe he accepted it…”

“I told him the same thing, but he said it was a necessary sacrifice for the sake of Timber. But with the time, he couldn’t support it anymore and he asked her to leave Deling City to marry him. Then, she joined him at Timber and they bought a small house there. He found a job for Ana and things were pretty good between them. They waited for the birth of the baby and when this day came…I don’t understand what happened. Sacha left without a word and sent me a resignation letter. Since this day, I don’t know what happened to him. I just know he left the city because the letter had been posted from Dollet.”

“So…he moved to Dollet?”

“Maybe. I can’t tell you…”

Edea crossed her arms again her chest. “It’s strange because nobody knows what happened between them after Seifer’s birth. I mean, he seemed to be happy to become a father…”

“Yes. That is the most surprising thing. He never recognized his paternity…”

“So, I suppose you have no clue where I could find him?”

“No, I’m sorry for this.”

“You already helped me a lot. Thank you, Sir.”

“You’re welcome, Miss. But remember we never had this conversation, alright?”

“Of course.”

“I believe in you. If you find Sacha, please tell me. He was a good friend of mine and I’d like to see him again…”

“I’ll contact you if I see him. Promised.”

“Thanks.”

 

It was already the end of the afternoon. Edea stayed all the day in Timber, questioning people and investigating about Seifer’s past. She learned so many things, but she missed the most important part: Seifer’s father. No one knew what he became and the reasons of his sudden departure. Actually, she wasn’t sure to want to know more about him, but it was something important for Seifer. Since she didn’t have any other clue about this man, except his first name, she decided to give up and to return at the Garden. She took the last train at the end of the day to reach Balamb. She sent a message to her husband to reassure him and to tell him she would be back tonight, because the train had been delayed.

 

 

* * *

 

Few days later, Zell’s mother came back to visit him. He asked to Seifer to wait for him until his mom would leave, at the end of the day. He didn’t want his mother saw him because she would have told Squall that Seifer was there and he refused it. It was his secret. A secret he didn’t want to share with anyone. He wanted to keep him for himself as if he belonged to him. If people knew about this, they would try to interfere, to take him away from him, or worse: they could hurt him to make him pay for his actions during the war. Nobody could understand except Zell that Seifer was just a child. An innocent and adorable little boy. Seifer was his secret and when everything would be over and he would be healed, he would take him away from this place. The bond between them was really strong and he wished nobody would ever try to break it. Zell didn’t need the Garden, he didn’t need friends, or his work as a seed, as long as Seifer was there with him, because he gave him something that no one could give to him.

 

One afternoon, Zell finished his exercise session with his doctor. These sessions were essentially composed by physical exercises and muscular reeducation. Zell was a good athlete so he was used to practice, even if there was a long time since he didn’t train properly. The muscular reeducation wasn’t effective since he couldn’t recover the mobility of his left part, but he had to do it, as Elise asked him. He returned in his room and planned to visit Seifer just after a shower. The tall blonde was waiting for him in his bedroom. Zell came back in his quarters and stripped. He took a shower quickly and dressed again after this when he felt his arousal growing in his pants.

 _“Ah yes…it’s because of the physical activity…I can’t remember the last time when I jerked off…”_ thought the martial artist.

He sat on the ground, back against the end of his bed and slipped his right hand in his boxer. He didn’t like to do it but he was feeling uncomfortable. It wasn’t easy to do it either with his right hand because he was a left-handed to begin with. But he had no choice. He started to rub his hard cock the best way he could with his right hand.

 _“Damn! I can’t do it properly with this hand…”_ he cursed, exasperate. He closed his eyes and tried to focus on something sexy to make him come faster. He refused to think about Lydia, because it would bring him painful memories, so he tried to think about something else…and he immediately thought about Seifer. He stopped suddenly, opening his eyes.

 _“What am I doing? How…how could I think about him this way??? I’m not even gay…”_ he said to himself, shocked about his own feeling. But he felt his erection became bigger with this thought.

 _“Hyne…what can I do? I really need to come but…is it moral to think about him to do this? I even don’t understand why I think about him…maybe because we stay together all the time? Yes, it couldn’t be different. I mean…I would have thought the same way about Squall or Irvine if they were at Seifer’s place, of course! It’s not because it’s him…”_ Zell tried to persuade himself as he could.

 _“Okay…I need to come so it doesn’t matter who I use for this. It’s not like I’m gonna have sex with him anyway…”_ he sighted and closed his eyes again to concentrate. He stroked his cock harder and faster, moaning Seifer’s name softly and breathing heavily.

“ah…ah…God…it’s good…” moaned Zell. “Ah…yes, Seif…ah..Seifer…” But he was cut in the middle of his delicious moment by an abrupt noise. He opened his eyes immediately and saw Seifer, on his feet, staring at him, eyes wide open. He knocked at his door because he heard Zell came back from his exercise session, and when he didn’t answer, he entered because he had been scared that something happened to him. When he saw Zell moaning his name with his right hand on his pants, he had been caught by the surprise and let his book falling on the floor.

Zell Jumped with fear and shame when he saw him. “Ah! Seifer! Wh…Wha…what are you doing here????” He removed immediately his hand from his underwear and moved back, closing his legs to hide his erection.

 “Why…are ya sayin’ my name, Zell? And what are ya doin’ with your hand??” demanded Seifer approaching.

Zell blushed and crossed his legs tighter. “No…n..othing…but could you…could you leave me alone just a moment please?”

“Ya’re okay? Ya don’t look fine…”

“I’m fine! I’m fine! Just…Just wait for me in your room, k?” Zell tried to push him away gently but Seifer insisted. He even came closer.

“What are ya hidin’ between your legs?”

 “Seifer! Please, just leave! I told you I’m fine! It’s nothing…”

The other man stayed on his knees, facing the martial artist. He had no intention to leave without knowing what was wrong with him. He put his hands on Zell’s knees and spread it in a single move abruptly.

“WHOA! STOP IT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” shouted Zell, panicked. But the other blonde had a huge strength.

“Wanna know what’s wrong with ya!” Seifer fixed Zell’s pants. The little blonde covered his erection with his right hand, and tried to close his legs again but Seifer blocked his moves. He took his hand with his and saw the big bulge. With his other hand, Seifer touched his erection, which made Zell struggling.

“Stop it! Where are you touching me???”

“You’re like that?”

“Wh..what?”

  “I know what it is. It happens to me often too but on the mornin’…” Seifer looked at Zell smiling. “Don’t worry, it’s not serious.”

Zell blushed harder and tried to move away. “I know…but please, just leave me alone until I finish taking care of this, alright? I’ll join you in your room after…”

“But…ya seemed to be in pain…it’s not easy to do it with your right hand…”

The martial artist was frozen by the shame. He just wanted to hide in a hole and never go out, but Seifer kept talking and fixing him with his innocent face. 

“Ya don’t look good at all. Ya’re completely red…” Seifer pushed Zell gently against the bed and unbuttoned his pants. “I’ll help ya.”

“NO!” Zell tried to escape, slapping his hand but Seifer grabbed it with his other one.

“Hey! Don’t be afraid! I’m not gonna hurt ya. I do it often for me. Just relax…”

“But…”

“Ya’re not a girl so it’s fine! Ya can show me, I’m a boy too!” Seifer put Zell’s boxer down, revealing his hard cock. “Ya’re like a stone!”

“Please! Seifer…just let me take care of this. You don’t need to…”

“I wanna help ya. It’s fine. Elise explained it to me when I asked her.”

“Wh..what did you ask her??”

“I felt bad on the mornin’…my pee pee was hard and it hurt so I asked her and she told me if it stayed like this, I had to rub it slowly with my hand, until something white goes out…but it’s good when I do it. It’s like a massage…”

“Hyne…” Zell hid his face with his hand. He was so embarrassed that he wanted to run away. Even with these kind of things, Seifer was talking like a child. He tried so hard to push him away but he knew he wouldn’t leave…and actually, he didn’t really want to stop him, even if it was embarrassing.

“Don’t be scared, Zell.”

“I..I’m not…but you shouldn’t…”

Seifer began to stroke his organ slowly. His grip wasn’t too tight or to loosened, just perfect. The stimulation gave more sensation to Zell, who stopped fighting. He completely abandoned his body to Seifer.

“How is it? Do ya feel good, Zell?”

“Y..yeah…it’s..g..good…” moaned Zell. “More…more…harder…” Zell was losing his mind, succumbing to the pleasure. No one had touched him this way since three years and it felt incredibly good. Seifer put his shirt up a little bit, revealing a part of his torso. Zell frowned, wondering why he was doing this.

“Ya’re gonna dirty your shirt…ya’re super hard, ya know?” said Seifer still rubbing his cock. Zell tried to focus on anything else than Seifer but it was impossible. The tall blonde was so close that their forehead practically touched each other.

Zell arched his back, spreading his legs wider. “Seif…I’m comi.. Aaaah!!!” then, Zell came, releasing his semen on his stomach. Seifer continued to rub his organ slowly to be sure Zell had finished and stopped.

“Ya’ll feel better now.” Smiled the blonde.

Zell kept his eyes closed, covering his face with his right hand. He was too ashamed to face Seifer.

“Zell?”

“Wh..What?”

“M..Mine is hard too…”

“HUH???” blinked the martial artist, with shock. It wasn’t supposed to happen, but Seifer began to unzip his pants with his clean hand.

“Need to do it too…”

“No, no…wait! Let me get out before and…” protested Zell, uncomfortable.

“…but can’t wait…” Seifer stayed on the same position, blocking Zell’s way. He pulled his hard cock out of his pants and started to rub himself with the same hand he used to satisfy Zell. Actually, this hand was still covered by semen.

“Seif…wait! Don’t…”

But he didn’t listen to Zell and continued. At the beginning, the martial artist tried to look away, but hearing Seifer’s moans and being so close to him couldn’t let him indifferent. So, he looked at him when he was jerking off, which made him hard again. Seifer noticed it.

“Ya…ya’re like that again?”

“No, no…it’s okay…” replied Zell nervously, but when his eyes met Seifer, he just couldn’t run away anymore. Without even realizing, he moved closer to him and pressed his cock against Seifer’s. The other man didn’t understand immediately what he wanted, but after a short time, he guessed Zell wanted they touched themselves together on the same time, so he agreed, silently.

“Zell…it’s hot…I’m very hot…”

“Me too…just stay focused and let’s end this…”

They continued to pump each other strongly, moaning and rubbing their sweaty bodies against each other when Zell’s grip became weaker. He felt he was close so he practically gave his body to Seifer.

“Aaah!! Can’t…can’t…” moaned Seifer reaching the orgasm. He came on Zell’s stomach on the same time as him.

“Coming!! Aaah!!” groaned Zell, exhausted. He took some minutes to calm down and relaxed, back against his bed. Seifer stayed on his knees, facing him. He was red and sweaty. His breaths were fast but he seemed to be fine. He got up few minutes later and went to the bathroom to rinse his hands. He came back with a wet towel and cleaned Zell’s torso with it before giving it to him.

“Thanks…” Zell took the towel and cleaned his hand with it.

Seifer sat again at his side. “Ya know…it’s the first time I felt like this…I did often but it wasn’t that good before.”

Zell blushed and avoided his gaze. “Hum…you know, Seifer…we’re not supposed to do it together…”

“Why?”

“Because…you’re too young and…it’s not good…”

“Ya…didn’t like it??”

“No! I mean, Yes! I mean…it’s not the problem. Yes I liked it but…it’s a personal thing. We have to do it alone, not together…”

“It was fun to do it with ya!”

Zell gave up. “Okay…just forget it and don’t tell Elise we did it, alright?”

“Why?”

“Because…”

“Coz’ what??” demanded again and again Seifer.

“BECAUSE!” replied Zell, exasperate. When he saw Seifer looking at him worried, he changed of expression to reassure him. “Seifer, listen: it’s a bit complicated but…even if it was really good, we can’t do that again. You’re too young for this. I could be in troubles if people knew so…”

“Why???”

“Because you’re a child and I’m an adult. So, please, forget it and don’t say it to anyone, ok?”

“K…”

“Thanks. So? Wanna read a book or something?”

“Yes. I brought one with me…wanna read it with ya.”

Alright.”

 

For the rest of the day, Zell tried to do as if nothing happened between them. Seifer acted normally because he didn’t understand what the problem was and he stopped questioning Zell when he guessed it bothered him. The martial artist felt really ashamed because despite of the fact Seifer was a child inside, he couldn’t help to see the adult in front of him, so technically, he had done nothing wrong. Besides, Seifer was more than okay with this, since he proposed himself and didn’t really let the choice to Zell. But the little blonde knew his relationship with Seifer had taken a big step.

 

 

* * *

 

When Edea came back to Balamb few days ago, she avoided her husband. Actually, she knew Cid was suspected something but she couldn’t tell him. For Cid, she was supposed to follow a therapy in Esthar. She couldn’t tell him she was in reality, visiting Seifer every month.

At the end of one afternoon, Edea was in her room, searching information on her computer. Someone knocked and entered.

“Darling?”

“Oh, Cid! I thought you were at your office?”

“I was just wondering if you were fine. I haven’t seen you a lot lately because of my work…”

“Yeah, but preparing the next exams is one of your tasks. You can’t help it…”

Cid approached and kissed her forehead with affection. Edea smiled and closed her computer.

“You don’t have to worry that much for me, Darling. I’m fine…” she said, getting up.

But Cid wasn’t convinced at all. “I’m not sure about this…”

“Why?”

“Because…you didn’t come back immediately the last time and…”

“I told you I wanted to have some time for me. Is it a crime? I just needed to be alone and if you really want to know, I went to a beauty center to relax and to take care of myself…”

“But…you look particularly tense and distant lately…as if you were hiding something to me…”

Edea turned around. She didn’t want to face him. She never had a good poker face. Cid went closer and put his hands on her fragile shoulders.

“You know you can tell me everything…let me help you. If there’s something on your mind, just say it…”

“Cid…”

“Darling, tell me. I can’t guess if you don’t say it.”

She sighted, defeated. “I…I think about Seifer.”

Cid froze immediately. He never suspected this, even if he should have thought about this. Seifer and Edea always had a strong bond, and, Ultimecia’s experience reinforced it.

“Edea…”

“I miss him, Cid. I wonder what he became…”

“I know but…”

“It wasn’t his fault. He just wanted to help me and it’s thanks to him I’m still alive. He protected me from Squall and the others when they went to kill me and…”

“I know but what could you do for him? No one knows where he went or if he’s still alive. Besides, you perfectly know you can’t appear with him. It would be dangerous for you and for Seifer…”

“But…if he was still alive, would you accept him here?”

“Wh..what?”

“Could he come back if we knew where he is? Would you give him another chance?”

“Darling…”

“Would you forgive him the same way you forgave me? Would you do this for me?” Edea grabbed Cid’s arms and shook his body lightly, just to make him react, keeping her eyes on him.

Her husband was uncomfortable with this subject. Even if he would do anything for his wife, Seifer was a real problem and it was probably the only thing he couldn’t do for her…and it broke his heart because he knew it would affect Edea.

“With the “if”, we could change the world…”

“You don’t answer.” Edea never stopped fixing him. “Would you do this?”

“You know I would do anything for you…”

She released him, looking down, hurt. “Anything…except this.”

“Darling…” Cid was about to take her in his arms but she pushed him away.

“Don’t touch me.” She grabbed her shawl on the bed before leaving. “I even don’t know why I started this conversation with you! I knew you couldn’t understand…”

Edea! Wait…”

“I’ll take a room at the hotel in Balamb. I need to be alone. Don’t come.” She slammed the door behind her with anger. Cid wanted to catch her but he understood Edea would slap his face if he tried to hold her back, so he preferred to not insist. She would calm down later.

 

* * *

 

Actually, Edea didn’t come back to the Garden during two weeks. She waited for her departure for Esthar. She just returned to take some of her clothes. Cid tried to contact her several times, but she always refused to talk with him. She replied with some text messages, nothing more. The day that she was about to leave, she came back to the Garden. She took some clothes and went to Cid’s office.

“Come in.”

She entered. “I came to tell you I’m going to Esthar.”

“Darling…” Cid got up and reached her side quickly. He Held her tightly but she stayed immobile. “I know you’re mad at me about Seifer but…”

“You don’t understand, Cid.”

“Yes I do. I know he’s important for you. You raised him and you’re worried, it’s normal but…”

“It’s not just because of that!” she replied angrily. “I…I hoped that someone could support me…I prayed that somebody in this world would understand that Seifer is just a kid who needs attention…” she turned her back to him. “And…I thought you would have been this someone…people can think whatever they went, it doesn’t affect me. But it’s different from you…because it means you can’t see him the same way I do, so we don’t share the same point of view, and…it hurts. It hurts to know that the most important person in my life, my soul mate, can’t understand and accept what I feel…I’m feeling lonely…”

“No, don’t think that, Honey. You know I love you!”

“I love you too, Cid. But…I won’t give up on Seifer. I owe him this after all what I did to him. I hope you’ll understand because if one day I meet him again, I’ll be there for him.” She kissed his cheek quickly and took her bag. “I have to leave now. My train will leave in one hour…I’ll call you when I’ll arrive.”

“Edea...”

“See you later.” Then, she left without looking back. It was still too early to talk to Cid about Seifer. She had to prepare him because he would discover the truth one day. She hoped when this day would come that he would accept her decision.

 

She arrived at Balamb station on time and took her train. The journey was long but she preferred travel with the train. She didn’t want to bother Laguna, asking him to send the Ragnarok just to pick her, even if he already proposed her several times. It was better this way. During the road, she read and read again her notes, about Seifer’s family. She learned a lot in Timber about his mother, but nothing about his father. She searched his name and even consulted the data base online of the civil registry in Dollet, but found nothing. She understood the Timber Maniac’s director was right: Sacha Almasy probably changed his name after the war. This name was famous because of Seifer, so he definitely didn’t want to be known as the knight’s father. But Edea kept wondering why he refused to recognize his paternity. At this time, Seifer was just a baby and did nothing wrong. She knew something happened with his wife, which made him change his mind and push him to leave his family behind, but nobody knew what it was.

 

* * *

 

At her arrival at Timber, Edea saw her train for Fisherman’s horizon had been delayed by two hours. She needed to go there to take a connecting journey to Esthar since the two cities were connected through railway. She went to the pub to have a coffee, but she finished quickly. She still had about one hour and a half to wait. She decided to leave and to take some fresh air, walking in the streets. It was a cold day but it didn’t bother her. She always liked ice and snow. People used to call her “cold fingers” when she was a little girl because her hands were always cold.

She sat on a bench, in a public square and looked at her watch. She put her hands in the pockets of her coat when she felt something inside. A piece of paper. She took it and read it. It was what she wrote the last time she came at Timber to investigate about Seifer’s family. She sighted with sadness. Of course, she learned something at least, but the major part of his life was still missing. The identity and the location of his father remained unknown. She looked around her. Kids were running and playing together, watched by their mothers who were talking on another bench, in front of Edea. Other people were reading, other were taking their dogs for a walk…it was a common scene in a small town. But looking at the kids, Edea got an idea.

 _“Since Seifer is born at Timber, they probably kept some information about him and his mother at the hospital?_ ” she thought.

She got up immediately and took the tram to reach the hospital. It wasn’t a long way and she arrived ten minutes later. She entered and waited for her turn to talk with the secretary.

”May I help you, Miss?” asked the young woman.

“Yes. Hum…I was wondering if you had on your database or in your archives, the list of births of the children since twenty years, please…”

“Huh…yes. But what are you looking for?”

“Can I consult it please?”

“I’m sorry but it’s impossible, Miss. If you’re looking for someone in particular, I suggest you to go to the city hall to consult the civil registry.”

“I already did it but…I didn’t find what I wanted.”

The woman hesitated, but she was nice, so she really wanted to help Edea. During this time, some nurses were having a break at the coffee machine, just near of the secretary.

“Maybe I can help you? Who are you looking for?”

Edea bit her lips, nervous, but she finally said it. After all, she had nothing to lose. “Almasy…Seifer Almasy.”

The woman lifted her head immediately, frozen. Some of the nurses turned their attention on Edea when she pronounced this name.

“Our database is confidential, Miss. As I already told you, you should read the civil registry. Now, I ask you to leave to let the place for the real emergencies.” Concluded the woman, glaring at her.

Edea noticed people were looking at her with suspicion. She bowed and thanked the woman. “I’m sorry for the time I made you waste. Thank you.” Then, she took her bag and left the hospital.

 

She was about to cross the road to reach the tram stop when someone called her.

“Miss!”

Edea turned around and saw one of the nurses who were having the break, running toward her. “Yes?”

“Why…why are you looking for information about the sorceress’s knight?”

“Oh…well, it’s…personal.”

“Are you a reporter?”

“No, not at all. I’m just…” She moved away to have some privacy with the nurse. She didn’t want to be heard by the other persons who were waiting for the tram. “I took care of him after his mother’s death for a short time. I wanted to know what his parents became…”

“Why now? Because he became the sorceress’s knight? Because he’s famous by his war crimes? You want to get information to have a scoop and to talk about your bond with him to the press?” questioned the woman again and again. She was practically at the same age as Edea.

“No, you misunderstand, Miss. I just want to find Seifer’s father. I know his mother died a long time ago. But I don’t get why his father never recognized him and I couldn’t find him anywhere…I know Sacha Almasy abandoned his family just after the birth but nobody could tell me why…and I thought I could have some answers there, that’s all…”

The lady crossed her arms, fixing Edea intensely. She wanted to check her sincerity.

“Do you know something about this?”

“Maybe…”

Edea looked at her with hope. “Miss, please tell me. I’ve no other goal to discover the truth. I’m not a reporter or something, I promise. I suppose a lot of people already harassed you after the war about Seifer’s parents. But I’m not looking for a scoop or something. I’m sad for this kid…”

“This kid?? Do you realize you’re talking about the sorceress’s knight??”

“I know…but when I met him, he was just an adorable child. I want to know what happened to him…”

“Why now? Why did you wait for so long to investigate about this?”

“I had my own problems…but after had seen what he became, I wanted to know…”

“Are you still in contact with him?”

“No…but even if people think he’s a monster or a criminal, I still see the same little boy and I’m sure he’s still the same inside…”

The woman smiled. “You have a good heart, Miss, but you shouldn’t be that idealistic. People change…and he changed for sure.”

“Maybe…but if you know something, could you at least tell me, please?”

She checked her watch. “I need to go back to work now…”

“Please Miss…” begged Edea.

She looked around her, nervously, but agreed. “I don’t know much about this but…I was there for his birth…”

“Really?”

“Yes…I was the midwife who helped his mother to give birth. I was there…”

“So, you met his father??”

“Yes. I met him with his wife two times before the childbirth to reassure them. But, just two days before the birth, the man came to see us. He asked us if we could make a paternity test. He had some doubts about his child but we suggest him to wait for the birth…”

“And??”

“And…we took some DNA samples. We had the results the next day after the birth and…he discovered the child wasn't his…”

“Wh…what? You mean…”

“I mean the boy wasn’t his biologic son. When he discovered it, he was really shocked and…I don’t know what to say but…he was ashamed. Then, he left and he never came back…”

“Hyne…but who is his biologic father?”

“I don’t know…”

“Oh God…that’s why Sacha never recognized Seifer and he abandoned him…but did his mother know?”

“When he came to ask us the paternity test, he asked us to not say a word to his wife. I refused but he paid the doctors and other people. I could have lost my job at this time, so I kept quiet…but I felt guilty when I saw his wife waiting for his return…”

Edea held herself with her arms. “Such a tragedy in this family…he could have ignored Seifer wasn’t his biologic child and raised him like his son. It didn’t change anything…it was just a question of blood and filiation. But if you give love to a child, he becomes yours even if you’re not blood related…”

“I agree with you, and to be honest, it’s exactly what I told him to comfort him when he discovered the truth. But he didn’t listen to me. He said he refused to raise a child who was sharing the same blood that galbadians…”

“Galbadians??”

“Yeah…I didn’t understand. I suppose his wife had an affair with a soldier or someone in Galbadia…”

Edea blinked. She remembered what the other people that she already met told her: Ana used to seduce soldiers to have information for her lover. So, when she left to live with Sacha, she was already pregnant…

“It’s all what I know, Miss. But I appreciate you don’t mention to anyone my contribution on this or my name, please…”

“Don’t worry for this. My lips are sealed. Thank you very much to have told me this. It’s really important to me.”

“Well, I’m feeling better now. I kept this for me on my mind during all these years but now, I’m light…”

“You wouldn’t have changed anything anyway. Don’t blame yourself.”

“Thank you. I need to go back to work now.”

“Okay. Thanks again.”

“Be careful, Miss. Don’t forget the boy you raised became the sorceress’s knight. His story is sad and he was an innocent child to begin with, but…people change. Don’t try to find him. It’s better this way…”

“Thanks for your advice.”

The woman waved at her and returned to the hospital. Edea went to sit on the bench waiting for her tram. Now she had her answers…Sacha left his wife and abandoned his child because he knew he wasn’t Seifer’s biologic father. It didn’t excuse his coward attitude because he could have raised him. Now, she didn’t need to find him. But having her answers brought new questions: if Ana carried a child from another man that her husband, who was he? Who was Seifer’s father? It wasn’t like she could question galbadian soldiers anyway…and maybe he was already dead? During the war, a lot of soldiers died. It was funny to think that maybe Seifer commanded his own father during the war. There would be still a big blank on this question and it made her depressed. She sighed, defeated, and went back to the station, in time, to take her train. 

 

* * *

 

When she arrived at Esthar, several hours later, Edea was surprised to see Kiros, waiting for her with another guard.

“Good evening Edea.”

“Kiros. Thanks to be there to welcome me but you didn’t have to bother…”

“Actually, I came to pick you. Barhein center called and asked us to report your visit tomorrow. You can visit Seifer and Zell tomorrow, afternoon so you’ll stay at the palace for tonight. Can I carry your baggage?”

“Thank you…”

Edea followed Kiros and entered in a car. On the road, he gave her more details.

“Don’t worry. Nothing serious happened. The center claimed water damages and has to fix the problem before welcoming the families’ patients. We received the call about two hours ago, so it was already too late to tell you…”

“It’s fine. I’m relieved Zell and Seifer are okay…”

“Yes. It’s a good thing they became close. Doctor Garnet told to Laguna Zell seems to get better thanks to him.”

“Yes. I’m happy for the both of them…”

They arrived at the presidential palace. Laguna was in his office, reading a newspaper. Edea entered with Kiros.

“Edea. Good to see you. How are you?”

“I’m fine. Thank you, Laguna. What about you?”

“I’m tired…I had a busy week with meetings and reunions…I can’t stand it anymore…”

“Stop complaining all the time!” said Kiros.

“Hey! I don’t complain!”

“Yes you do!”

“Well, anyway, I have the right to complain! I can’t stand to stay in this place all the time…I would give everything to get my previous work at the Timber Maniac back…at this time, I traveled and met interesting people! The only persons I meet here are investors and politicians…”

“Here we go again…” rolled his eyes Kiros.

Edea laughed, hearing the two friends arguing. But she stopped when she remembered Laguna used to work at the Timber Maniac.

“Laguna…since you’re talking about your job at Timber Maniac, could you tell me if you met someone called Sacha there?”

“Sacha? Hum…it doesn’t sound familiar to me…was he working at the Timber Maniac too?”

“Yes, but it was a long time ago. About twenty years ago but maybe you arrived just after his departure?”

“What is his last name?”

She took a chair and sat, crossing her legs. She kept her head down, putting her hands on her knee. “Almasy…”

“What???”

“You heard me. His name was Sacha Almasy…but you would remember if you have met him. It was stupid to ask you this…”

“Wait a minute! Is he related to Seifer?”

 “Indeed…but he just wears his name. He’s not a biologic parent…”

Kiros approached and sat at her side. “What do you know about this, Edea?”

The woman looked at them. “Well…I think I can tell you, but don’t say a word to anyone please.”

“Of course. We’re listening.”

“Alright…” she crossed her hands together and began her story. “When I visited Seifer the last time, Zell asked me to investigate on Seifer’s past. He wanted to know more about him, his family…so I did it. I wanted to know too, so it was a good thing. I went to Timber and consulted the civil registry. I went back to the neighborhood when he was living with his mother and met few people who told me what they knew…to be short, Seifer’s mother was married with a reporter who worked at the Timber Maniac. When she gave birth, her husband left her and never recognized his paternity. He disappeared and nobody ever saw him again. Seifer’s mother fell into a depression and started to drink, until she died of an alcohol poisoning…”

“What about this Sacha? You said he wasn’t blood related to Seifer…”

“Well, nobody knew the reason why Sacha left his wife and his child this way. I found out after Seifer’s birth that he demanded a paternity test…and he discovered Seifer wasn’t his biologic child.”

“Oh…so he abandoned his family for this reason?” asked Laguna.

“Yes…it’s so selfish. Especially knowing the abject way he used his wife before marrying her…”

“What do you mean?” demanded Kiros.

 “Seifer’s mother was working at Deling city as a waitress at the Galbadia Hotel. Sacha met her there. He was an active member of the resistance so he needed to get information to help his group. He used his job to cover his actions and he had a pass to follow Galbadian soldiers to relay the propaganda of the previous president. He asked to his wife to get this information for him since soldiers used to come at the hotel…he perfectly knew she used her body for this and he didn’t mind…”

Kiros and Laguna looked each other, stunned.

“Are you talking about a woman named Ana?” asked Kiros.

Edea blinked. “Yes! Her name was Ana Sega! Did you know her?”

“Indeed. We met her every time Laguna went to listen to Julia. Ward was completely crazy about her.”

Edea froze literally. “Wait…wait a minute…you mean, Ward had an affair with her?”

“An affair? A love story you mean! He always came to the hotel to see her!” replied Laguna.

“We knew Ana didn’t love Ward and she was using him to get information for Timber resistance. She was pretty obvious…and Ward knew it too. But he was really in love with her. He thought she would realize with the time his feelings and she would return it but it never happened. One day, she left him, saying that she fell in love with another man and she was about to marry. He accepted it and they never saw each other again…Since this day, Ward never fell in love again and stayed single.”

“Yeah…it really broke him because he could have done everything for her. If Ana asked him to leave, he would have done it without hesitation. He even planned to give his resignation when we were soldiers…but she dumped him.”

“Hyne…It can’t be true…” whispered Edea, shocked.

“Yes you’re right. I would never have imagined she could be Seifer’s mother…”

“Do you know if she had other lovers? I mean, she didn’t date Ward only, right?” demanded Edea.

“Yes she dated other soldiers but most of the time, it was with Ward…and soldiers were a bit afraid about Ward anyway, when they noticed he really loved her. They didn’t want to fight with him because they knew he would have kicked their ass…”

“Oh God…don’t…don’t tell me, this is him??”

“Edea? What’s wrong?”

“Seifer…Maybe Seifer is Ward’s child? If Seifer wasn’t Sacha’s child, it means that Ana was already pregnant when she left Galbadia for Timber and before marrying…so, if Ana used to date Ward…”

“Oh no…” murmured Kiros.

“It can’t be true! No…it’s..it’s impossible!!” said Laguna, panicked.

“Laguna, it can’t be different. There’re too many coincidences…”

“No…you’re wrong. You have to be wrong…it can’t be…”

“There’s an only way to know it. Let’s make a paternity test.” Concluded Kiros.

“Are you serious???”

“If Seifer is Ward’s child, we have to tell him. But before, we should check it. Let’s call Doctor Garnet.”

“You’re right, Kiros.”

Laguna scratched his hair, and agreed. “you’re probably right.”

 

Laguna  returned to his desk and took his phone.

“President Loire for Doctor Garnet, please.”

 _“Just a moment, Sir…”_ After few seconds, Elise answered. “ _President Loire?”_

“Hi Doctor. Sorry to bother you but I need a favor please. Could you collect Seifer Almasy’s DNA samples please?”

_“Huh…yes but, may I ask you why?”_

“We’re not sure yet, but maybe we found a relative, so we need to confirm it. Could you do it now please? I’ll send a guard to collect it.”

_“Yes. I’m gonna call him right now. You can come to collect it in an hour.”_

“Thank you. Please, keep this information for you. Don’t mention it to Mister Dincht.”

_“Okay.”_

“Thanks again, Doctor. Good Bye.

_“Good Bye, Mister President.”_

He hung up and fixed Edea and Kiros. “I think we’ll know tonight…but after what you told us, Edea, I don’t really have any doubts about the result anymore…”

“Me too, Laguna…”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A big emotional chapter...  
> i aslo started to change the "ya" to "you" when Seifer talks because he starts to be a big boy now...  
> :-)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Happy new year to everyone! i wish you the best for this new year. Health and happiness for everyone on earth, hoping that this year would be a peaceful one and wars in the world would stop. i'm praying for the souls of people who are suffering and i wish them the best for this new year. Bless you, everybody.

Zell was playing cards with Seifer in his room. He taught him how to play triple triad and the scarred blonde really liked it.

“I won again!! I want Ifrit’s card!”

“Damn! How can you be that good? It’s the third time I lose and you just know how to play since one hour!!” complained Zell.

“Don’t be bad loser!”

“I’m not!”

“Yes ya are! Ya said I cheated the first time.”

“Because you cheated! I saw you looked at my cards!”

“Liar! Not my fault if ya aren’t good at this game!”

“What??”

“Yes. We should play with different rules but ya said I wouldn’t understand…so we just play with the open rule and ya still complain!”

“Of course I complain! You took my best cards!”

“Ok! Let’s play a last time. If ya win, I give ya back all your cards.”

“No need to bother. I will take it back one after another.” Replied proudly Zell.

Seifer laughed.

“What?”

“Nothin’…”

“Why are you laughing?”

“For nothin’, Zell. Let’s play!”

But they were interrupted in their fun by a knock at the door. Seifer looked at Zell.

“Are ya waiting for someone, Zell?”

“No…Come in!”

They turned around and saw Elise.

“Hello guys.”

“Hi Elise.”

“Hi. Is there something wrong?” asked Zell.

“Not at all. I just need to borrow Seifer for a short moment please. Don’t worry, it’s just to make an usual and simple physical examination. Can you come with me, Seifer?”

“But…usually, I do it later on the month…”

Elise seemed to be uncomfortable but tried to fake it. It didn’t work very well because Zell noticed it.

“Well, I’d like to do it now, please. This way, you won’t be bothered later.”

The tall blonde gave a glance to Zell. “Ya come with me, Zell?”

 “Sure.”

Elise was about to refuse it but she understood Seifer would be afraid and Zell, more suspicious. She would ask Zell to stay outside when they would be at her office.

“Alright. Let’s go.”

 

The three of them left Zell’s room and went to the elevator to reach Elise’s office. When they arrived, she made Seifer entering and faced Zell.

“If it doesn’t bother you, I’d like you wait for him outside. I prefer to see my patients alone. Please.”

Zell frowned and fixed her during a long time. “Is there something you want to tell me, Elise?”

“What?”

“You know what I mean. There’s something you’re hiding.”

The woman didn’t want to betray Laguna. She promised him to not tell anything to Zell until they had the results of the paternity test. But she knew Zell wouldn’t give up.

“Seifer isn’t sick or anything, don’t worry, Zell. I just need to check something. But I can’t tell you right now. I promise I will, but not now.”

“Elise…tell me: what’s wrong?”

“There’s nothing wrong, Zell. I promise. Please. Just give me more time and I will tell you. But he’s fine. Don’t be scared for him, okay?”

“But…when are you gonna tell me?”

“When…I will have information. It won’t be long, I guess.” She smiled at him and took his hand with her. “Trust me.”

“Alright…”

 

Then, she closed the door behind her. Zell stayed on the same position, a bit worried, before going to the waiting room.

Elise joined Seifer in her office. The blonde stared at her with surprise.

“Why don’t ya want to let Zell stayin’ with us?”

“It won’t be long, Seifer. You can stay alone during five minutes, right?” she asked, laughing.

“But…don’t like it…”

“Huh?”

“Nothin’…”

Elise smiled, stroking Seifer’s hair tenderly. She understood he was just very overprotective with Zell and hated to let him alone. “Thank you, Seifer.”

“For what?”

“To watch Zell as you do. To protect him from himself.”

“I…don’t understand…”

“It’s okay. Don’t move. I need some of your hair.” She took a scissor and cut some of his hair before placing it inside of a small little plastic bag.

“What are ya gonna do with it?”

“I’ll explain it to you later. Can you open your mouth please?”

She grabbed a cotton swab. “I’m just gonna rub the inside of your cheek with this. It doesn’t hurt, don’t worry.” Seifer nodded and she took his DNA samples before putting it in another plastic bag.

“It’s the first time ya do this to me.”

“I know it can’t be strange but you will understand later. I’m done. You can leave now.”

“Already?”

“Yes. It wasn’t long as promised.”

Elise went to her desk and took an envelope. Seifer looked at her and approached.

“Elise?”

“Yes, Seifer?”

He fixed his shoes, embarrassed. He wanted to ask her something but he was actually afraid of her answer.

“Will…will ya let me leave this place one day?”

She stared at him, sadly. She knew Seifer hated this place. It wasn’t the first time he asked her this. Each time, it was the same answer: When you’ll grow up, maybe. But this time was different. If Laguna actually found a relative, he could leave sooner.

“Yes.”

Seifer blinked. “Re…really??”

“Yes, Seifer. I can’t tell you when, but one day, you will leave.”

“Cool!! So great!” jumped the blonde, happily. “Ya know, Zell promised me to bring me out of here when he will be healed!”

“Ah? And where will you go?”

“Dunno…maybe Balamb. He told me I could come to live with him and his mother.”

“It sounds great.”

“Yes! And we will visit the chocobos’ sanctuary!”

She smiled hearing his enthusiasm. She wasn’t sure yet it would happen one day, but she hoped they could leave together and that Seifer would stay the same little and innocent boy. This way, nothing would change between the two friends. Unfortunately, nobody could predict the future. Maybe Seifer will recover his memories and will become normal again?

“I hope you will send me a picture or a card?”

“Of course!”

“Okay…Zell is probably waiting for you outside. You can join him now. Thank you.”

“K…see ya later, Elise.”

“Bye Seifer.”

She waited for his departure to take her phone. She composed a number. “Hello? Yes…it’s done…yes…you can send him in my office to collect the DNA samples. Okay…I’m waiting for him.” Then, she hung up. Ten minutes later, a guard entered in her office and took the envelope she prepared for him before leaving immediately.

* * *

At the presidential Palace, Edea and Kiros were waiting for the return of the guard with Seifer’s DNA samples, in Laguna’s office.

“Do you think we should inform Ward?” asked Laguna.

“We should wait until we have the results of the tests.” Replied Kiros.

“But…do you think it’s really necessary? I mean…after all what Edea already said to us…”

“I know but…there’s still a chance that Seifer isn’t Ward’s son. If Ana had several affairs with different soldiers, it’s not that impossible. We must be sure before telling it to him.”

“Yes…”

Edea was looking at the city through the window. “If it’s true…what a waste…” she whispered regretfully.

“Things could have been different for everyone but it doesn’t’ change anything now anyway.” Said Kiros.

The phone rang. Laguna took the handset. “Hello? Yes…alright. Bring it to the laboratory and inform me as soon as you have the results. Thanks.” He hung up and looked at Edea and Kiros. “The guard just came back from Barhein with Seifer’s DNA samples. He gave it to laboratory to make the test.”

“Did you take Ward’s DNA samples?” asked Edea.

“We already have it on our database, so we didn’t need to ask him.”

“How long is it gonna take to have the results?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think it would be long.”

Edea moved away from the window and sat. “How was she?”

“Who?” demanded Kiros.

“Ana. How was she?”

Kiros crossed his arms and began to speak. “Well, she was pretty and charming. At the beginning, she was a shy girl and always refused invitations. Some soldiers tried to seduce her, but she never accepted and refused it politely…and she took more and more confidence with the time. Then, she became…easy…”

“Was it at this time Ward started to date her?”

Laguna joined them in the conversation. “Actually, we met her the first time when we went to Galbadia Hotel to listen to Julia. Ward fell in love with her at their first meeting but he was too shy to dare speaking to her. He just stayed hours there, looking at her…”

“Well, like you did with Julia…” said Kiros.

“It wasn’t the same thing!”

“Yes it was!”

“Anyway…Ward always took the excuse to bring me listening to Julia to see her. They became close with the time. But Ana just considered him as a good friend. She wasn’t interested at all to Ward, but she liked to talk with him…”

“When Ana understood she was popular, she liked to tease soldiers who tried to seduce her. But she never did it with Ward because even if she wasn’t in love with him, she always respected him. Actually, she didn’t want to break his heart because she noticed his feelings for her…” continued Kiros.

“Did he confess to her?”

“Yes but he told her when they began to date. We were surprised to see how much Ana changed when she started to act more seductively with Ward…and we began to suspect something, until we saw her at Timber one day…”

“It’s at this time you understood she became a member of the resistance, right?”

“We can say so…but it’s also because of her questions. We even surprised her searching in Ward’s vest when he went to the toilets. When we asked her what she was doing, she pretended she spilled a drink on his vest and she was cleaning it…”

“But…you said Ward knew it?”

“You know, her judgment on him changed really fast and she started to consider him as an idiot. She thought Ward was blind and didn’t see her real goals…but despite of the appearances, he wasn’t just a strong guy. He always had been more sensitive than people could think. He really loved her…”

“Didn’t you try to warn him?”

“Yes we did. More than once. But he never listened to us. He said it was the first time he felt like this with someone and she would understand his feelings with the time…that one day she would love him. That’s why he accepted everything.” Replied Laguna.

“But…I think Ana was feeling guilty to use him this way. She didn’t really mind to have sex with other soldiers because it was just a physical relationship with them. They wanted sex and she wanted information. But with Ward, it was different. Sex wasn’t what he was looking for and she knew it…” added Kiros.

“How do you know it, Kiros?” demanded Laguna.

“I heard the last words she said to Ward before our departure for Esthar. You were with Julia at this time, so you couldn’t know.”

“What did she say?” asked Edea.

“She told him she met another man and she was about to leave Deling city…and she apologized. It surprised me because she seemed to be really ashamed at this time. She said he deserved better than her and she hoped he could find someone who could love him one day.” Kiros made a pause before continuing. “…and she said something which makes sense after what you told us, Edea…”

“What was it?”

“She said: “love can cloud your judgment and makes you do things you even didn’t think to do before. It’s a wonderful feeling when it’s mutual…but a painful thing when it is unrequited. I would have loved to love you…forgive me.” Then, she gave him a last kiss and she left. Ward took her hand and stayed immobile, back on her, when he finally found the strength to look at her. He smiled at her and he wished her happiness and he said he was glad for her…but when I recalled his face this day, even if he tried to fake, I saw in his eyes he was crying without shedding tears. It’s definitely the most painful thing he experienced in his life and he closed his heart forever after this deception…”

“She was just a slut. She never deserved him anyway…” said bitterly Laguna.

“It was what I thought about her at the beginning, but after this day, I understood it was more complicated that what I thought. I guess Ana really loved her husband but she kept some affection for Ward. At the beginning, she used him to help her lover, but with the time, I saw she wasn’t happy to see Ward coming. I don’t think it was because she hated to have sex with him or something, but more because she felt guilty to use his feelings…”

Edea looked really depressed. “Do you think they could have married after Sacha’s departure if Ward had known?”

Kiros took the time to think before answering. “Ward would have come back with her. But I don’t think she would have accepted. After the way she used him, she would have felt too ashamed to face him…”

“Even for Seifer?”

“Actually, Seifer is the reason of the fail of her marriage with Sacha, so I suppose her son didn’t mean anything for her except pain and troubles.”

“But…it’s so unfair for him; it’s not like it was his fault…”

“I know, Edea…”

Laguna had enough to talk about the past and decided to close the subject. “We’re not sure yet anyway! Let’s wait for the results.”

 

 

Later on the night, after the dinner, Laguna stayed with Ward. He didn’t want to tell him immediately but the other man noticed there was something wrong. Laguna wasn’t at ease at all and had some difficulties to fake as if everything was okay. He was so obvious that he even started to have cramps on his leg. He proposed to his friend to play cards to change his mind. Ward agreed and they went to his office.

During this time, Kiros and Edea were waiting for the results with stress. A part of them already knew the truth but they hoped they could be wrong, even if it was for different reasons. For Edea, it was because she felt sorry for Seifer and Ward, thinking that they wasted so many years for nothing. It brought her back in her own past and she started to imagine what kind of man Seifer would have become if only he had been raised by his father. On the other side, Kiros just prayed that Seifer wasn’t Ward’s son, because it would mean that he would be the father of the sorceress’ knight, the father of the public enemy…

They were waiting for the information in the main room, next to Laguna’s office. Edea was just fixing her hands with an exhausted expression. Kiros was walking and walking again, anxious. No one was talking. It was useless anyway because they had nothing to say. Two hours later, a scientist, with a white lab coat joined them, holding a file.

“Mister Seagill? We have the results.” Said the man, after had entered in the room.

Edea got up immediately. Kiros turned his attention on the man.

“So?”

“Positive, Sir.”

Kiros sighted, disappointed. The man held him the file. “Thank you. I’ll inform the President.”

The scientist nodded and left the place, letting Edea and Kiros again.

“We shouldn’t be that surprised. It’s not like we didn’t expect it…” said Edea.

“Yes…but I hoped it could be different. Now, we have to say it to Ward…”

“And to Seifer.” Added Edea. “Probably not immediately, of course, but we must tell him too.”

“Sure…but let’s join Laguna and Ward first.”

 

 

Edea and Kiros returned in Laguna’s office. The two men were still playing cards. When he heard them, Laguna fixed Kiros with interrogation. He didn’t need to ask them when his eyes met Edea’s. He already guessed it. He sighted, staring at Kiros, who approached.

“Ward?”

The tall man turned around and looked at his friend.

“We…have to tell you something.”

_“?”_

Edea and Kiros sat. Laguna got up and took the file that Kiros held him. He gave a quick glance to it, reading the documents before deposing it on his desk.

Ward was looking at everyone, frowning. _“???”_

Edea and Laguna fixed Kiros. Since he was the one who translated every single word of Ward, they thought he would be the best person to tell him.

“Do…do you remember Ana?” started to ask Kiros to his friend.

Ward’s expression changed immediately when he heard her name. Of course he did. How could he forget her? She was the only woman he ever loved in his life.

_“Yes…how could I not remember?”_

Kiros looked down. “I’m sorry. It was stupid to ask it…of course you do.”

_“But…why are you talking about her? Did something happen to her?”_

Edea and Laguna just stared at them. The two men were talking to each other in a way that nobody could understand. Sometimes Ward could make people understand him for the basic tasks, but only Kiros could guess what he really thought and said.

_“You didn’t answer me. What’s wrong with Ana? Is she alright?”_

Kiros shook his head sadly. “Ward, my friend…there’s a long time Ana is gone…”

_“G..gone?”_

“Yes. Apparently, she died three years after she broke up with you…”

The big man seemed to be really shocked by this information. Even if he didn’t see her since twenty years, he still cared about her…as before.

_“No…you…you’re wrong. She…she can’t be…”_

“I’m sorry, Ward. But Edea investigated. She saw her death notice at the civil registry in Timber.”

He turned around to see Edea who nodded.

“Yes, Ward. I saw it and…some people confirmed me she died…”

Ward squeezed his fists harder to contain his pain. His heart hurt like hell. He never forgot Ana’s smile, her scent, her beautiful face, her kindness, her voice…During all these years, he managed to deal with his heart breaking because he thought she was happy with the man she loved. He always wanted her happiness, even if he was sad to not have been the one who brought it to her.

_“Wh…what happened..to her? How did she die?”_

“Alcohol poising.” Replied Kiros.

_“What???”_

Edea faced him, holding her hips. “She fell in a depression after her husband left and…she never recovered. She started to drink and she had been found dead at her home one day…” Edea didn’t want to give him all the details about Ana’s death. Ward didn’t need to know it. It was hard enough to tell him she was gone.

_“But…but..why did he leave?? Did he dump her??”_

“Kind of…after their child’s birth, her husband left without recognizing the kid and without giving any explanation to Ana. He disappeared suddenly and nobody knows what happened to him. Ana didn’t support it and as Edea told you, she became really depressed…”

 _“The mother fucker!! He’s dead! He’s fucking dead!! Where is he?”_ Ward got up, pushing his chair violently.

“Calm down, Ward. You won’t change anything now…” said Kiros calmly.

_“WHERE IS HE? TELL ME! WHAT IS HIS NAME??”_

The tall man was screaming internally but no sound went out of his mouth.

“Nobody knows what he became or if he’s still alive. But I can tell you his name…”

_“Tell me. Anyway, I will find wherever he went! People don’t disappear. What is his name?”_

“Actually, Edea already tried to find him but even his closest friends don’t know where he went or what he became. After the last war, he probably changed his name…”

_“Why? What is the point with the war??”_

“You know his name, Ward. As everybody in the world, I guess…even if you don’t know this man personally…”

“ _For Hyne’s sake, Kiros! Tell me his name!!!”_

Kiros looked at Edea and Laguna before finally answering. “Almasy…Sacha Almasy.”

Ward Blinked several times. “ _Wh…what???”_

“You heard me, Ward. His name is Sacha Alamsy. Since this name is now related to the sorceress’s knight, he probably doesn’t want to be found, so there’s no way you could find him. He probably changed his name and he left Timber twenty years ago.”

The tall man absorbed the shock the best way he could. _“So…the sorceress’s knight is…his son?? He’s Ana’s son???”_

“Yes. Seifer Alamsy is Ana’s son.”

Their friend needed to breathe slowly to regain his composure. It was too much for him: first: Ana’s death; second: her husband breaking her heart and third: her son was actually the worst person in the world, known by his crimes, Seifer Almasy.

He made some steps to calm down. He kept his back on them during a long time when he finally turned around to face Kiros.

_“I suppose he took most of his personality from this bastard! He’s like his coward father! Just a fucking failure!!”_

Kiros took a deep breath and got up, reaching his side. “Actually, even if Seifer is wearing Sacha’s name…he’s not his biologic son.”

_“What???”_

“Yes…Edea met the midwife who assisted Ana during the childbirth. She told her Sacha had some doubts about his paternity and he asked to make a test after the birth. When he discovered Seifer wasn’t his child, he didn’t recognize him and left his wife with the kid…so it means that Ana was pregnant from another man…”

_“Hyne…are you sure about this?? But, then who’s his biological father? How can we know it and…”_

“Ward…we already know it. We’ve made our tests and got the information this evening.” Said Kiros.

_“Ah?? Who is it?”_

His friend looked at him seriously. “Don’t you get it? If Ana was already pregnant before leaving Deling city and marrying Sacha…it means that it couldn’t be anyone else than…” He didn’t finish his sentence because the end was obvious, even for the last idiot.

Ward kept an interrogated expression during a short time before understanding. He kept fixing Kiros in the eyes, desperately, trying to check if it wasn’t just a joke or something. But he knew his friend wouldn’t joke with something so serious, especially about Ana. Now, he started to realize the importance and the gravity of the situation.

_“Kiros…it..it can’t be…me…it can’t…”_

The other man put his hand on his shoulder. “We made the paternity test with your DNA and Seifer’s…everything is written on the file. You are Seifer’s father, Ward. There’s no doubt about this.”

Ward fell on his knees heavily, hiding his face with his large hands. Kiros stayed by his side, rubbing his back to comfort him. Laguna approached and squeezed his shoulder. Edea stayed a bit away but moved closer to give him some support. During long minutes, nobody talked. They let Ward evacuate his pain and his stress. Discovering his paternity twenty years later was something really hard…especially when he always had wanted to become a father. He began to realize what he missed and what his son could have lived because of his absence.

“We’re sorry for you, Ward. We know it’s hard but we had to tell you…” said Laguna.

The man finally raised his head slowly, looking at Kiros, with red eyes. He was crying so hard that he barely could see his friend. After some seconds, Kiros looked surprised.

“Are you sure this is what you want?” he asked to Ward, who nodded.

“What?” demanded Laguna.

Kiros turned his head and fixed Edea and Laguna. “Ward…wants to see Seifer.”

 

* * *

 

At the dinner, Zell and Seifer were on the refectory. When he came back from his meeting with Elise, Seifer had explained everything to his friend, which made Zell really worried. There was something wrong for sure. Elise didn’t examine Seifer as she told him but took his DNA’s samples. He wondered why she did that now, so suddenly. Did she find a relative? Did it mean that Seifer would leave? She promised to tell him everything, but it was hard to wait. Elise even cancelled her session with Zell to avoid questions.

Seifer noticed Zell’s discomfort and wondered if it was related to the last time when they touched themselves together.

“Zell?”

“Yes?”

“What’s wrong with ya? Ya look thoughtful…”

“There’s nothing, Seifer. Don’t worry.”

“Ya’re lyin’…” he whispered, looking down. “Ya’re angry against me??”

“Why should I be angry? What for?”

“For…the last time…when I touched your pee pee…”

Zell blushed furiously and looked around them, embarrassed. “Sshhh!!! Don’t speak that loud!!”

Seifer kept his eyes on his food, avoiding Zell’s look. “I knew ya were angry…ya’re different since that day…”

“Please, Seifer! You promised me to not talk about this again, remember?”

“Why? I’ve done nothin’ wrong!”

“I know but…it’s really embarrassing and I could be in troubles…”

“Ya’re just a liar!!” Seifer had enough and got up.

“Where are you going?”

“To my room!”

“But…your dinner…”

“I’m not hungry anymore!” Then, Seifer left the refectory, running. Zell tried to hold him but he was too fast for him. He sighted, disappointed and sat again to finish his meal. Seifer needed to calm down. He wouldn’t listen to him anyway, so Zell thought it would be better to visit him later. The situation wasn’t easy for him. Having these kind of relationships with Seifer in his state was just impossible…but acting as if nothing happened was not viable either. Besides, he was wondering what Elise was plotting on his back.

 

After had finished his dinner, Zell went to his quarters. He stayed in front of Seifer’s door some seconds before knocking. The other man didn’t reply. Zell insisted.

“Seifer, I know you’re not asleep. Open the door. Please.”

But he didn’t reply. Zell sighted.

“We need to talk. I can’t do it through the door. Please open up.”

No answer.

“You know, I’ve no intention to return in my room, so I will stay in front of your door until you open.” Then, Zell knocked and knocked again. He knew Seifer would be pissed and would give up. He continued to knock during five long minutes when Seifer appeared, opening the door widely with an exasperated look.

 “Ya are super annoyin’!!”

“I know!” replied Zell proudly. “Can I come in?”

“Mmh…”pouted Seifer who walked away. Zell followed him and closed the door. The tall blonde kept his back on him, crossing his arms against his chest, pouting. Zell deposed a little package on his desk.

“I brought your dessert and some bread with cheese. I thought you would be hungry later.”

But Seifer ignored him and sat on his bed, still crossing his arms. He was really mad at Zell. The tattooed man went to the bed and sat behind him, stroking his hair.

“Don’t be mad at me, please…”

“Ya still don’t trust me. Ya never say what is wrong with ya…I can’t guess if ya don’t speak, idiot!!” Seifer kept his back on him, refusing to look at him.

Zell enrolled his arm around him and pressed his warm body against his. He buried his face on his neck.

“Seifer…I trust you more than anybody. It’s just…I’m scared…”

“Scared? Of what??” Seifer turned around to face Zell.

“To be divided from you…” Actually, he knew it was what would happen if somebody knew what they did the last time together. Plus, since he still didn’t know why Elise took Seifer’s DNA samples, he was afraid to lose him. 

“But…why should we be divided? Don’t wanna leave without ya and…”

“I know…but it’s complicated. People wouldn’t understand what we did last time and…”

“But I said nothin’ to Elise or to anybody!”

“I trust you, but I can’t help myself to be scared…”

“Zell…” Seifer touched his cheek softly.

“Seifer, you can’t imagine how precious you are to me. If you hadn’t been there, I…”

The blonde put his finger on his lips to silent him. He pressed his forehead against him. “I really like ya, Zell…I will never let anyone take me away from ya, so don’t be scared, k?”

Zell smiled, relieved. “I really like you too, my friend.”

They hugged each other, quietly, forgetting their quarrel. Their relationship was something unique: they weren’t a couple, but not completely and only friends either…it was more complicated. No one could understand.

“Zell…did ya like it when I touched ya?”

The tattooed man blushed again but didn’t avoid the question this time. “Yes…I liked it.”

Seifer seemed to be reassured. He took his hands with his. “Me too…and I thought about ya when I did it alone…”

Zell began to feel hot. He knew they were about to do it again if he didn’t stop Seifer right now, but he didn’t know what to do without arguing again with him.

“Seifer…”

“Can..can I touch ya again?” whispered Seifer, moving closer.

“We…we shouldn’t…”

“But it is okay if nobody knows, right?”

“That’s..not the problem…” murmured Zell, trying to push him away, weakly. His whole body was trembling.

“I wanna do it again…please…” Seifer stayed on his knees and opened Zell’s legs. The little blonde was sat, back against the headboard of the bed. He stopped protesting because he knew he wouldn’t win against him. Besides, he wanted it as much as the other blonde did.

“We..shouldn’t…”

Seifer didn’t listen to him and started to unbutton Zell’s pants. He could see he was already aroused, through his boxer. He put it down slowly, revealing his hard cock. Zell was hot, breathing as if he was suffocating. He hid his face with his arm. During this time, Seifer slid his hand on his own underwear and took his cock, before pressing it against Zell’s. Then, he began to rub the two cocks with his hands slowly, moaning. Zell hid behind his arm, restraining his voice. He was too ashamed to face Seifer.

“Your arm…is on the way…” Seifer took Zell’s arm with his hand and forced him to look at him. “Help me..with your right hand…” requested the tall blonde, fixing his friend in the eyes.

 Zell closed his eyes and did it, still avoiding Seifer’s glance. He felt more and more hot, feeling Seifer’s breath on his flesh, on the neck. The other man approached again, pressing his chest against Zell’s.

“I wanna see your face, Zell…please, look at me…” asked Seifer. He put his forehead on the headboard, looking down the other man, when Zell finally managed to look at him. He was moaning, mouth open. Some saliva was pouring out of his mouth. This erotic vision excited Seifer even more.

“Seif..Seifer…m..more…” Zell completely forgot the other man was just a child inside. He was just seeing the man in front of him. He approached his mouth and without even realizing, he kissed Seifer. The other blonde was frozen. He didn’t know how to react and kept his eyes wide open. Zell introduced his tongue inside and explored his mouth with it. Seifer let him do it and started to like it. He closed his eyes slowly to enjoy it and kissed him back, even if it was the first time he did this. The two friends kissed passionately during minutes, tasting each other with hunger and still rubbing their cocks together. It was the lack of air which made them stop.

“Co..coming…” whispered Zell between moans.

“Me too…”

They looked each other and kissed again a last time when they came together. They didn’t break the kiss and continued until they couldn’t breathe. They took the time to recover their breath and collapsed on the bed, still cuddled against each other.

 _“Hyne…I can’t believe I kissed him that way…I’m disgusting! He’s just a child…”_ thought Zell ashamed.

He dared not to move or to say anything, waiting for Seifer, but the other man fell asleep few minutes later, on his arms. Zell smiled, sighting.

_“Seifer…you’re the only one who can make me feel that alive…”_

 

* * *

 

The next morning, when the two friends woke up, they were still on Seifer’s room, lying on the bed, hugging each other. Zell was the first one who opened the eyes and he remembered quickly the previous night. He was still partially naked, pants and boxer down. He slammed his head with his hand, annoyed.

 _“What a brilliant genius you are, Dincht! What is the next step now? Making his sexual education maybe? What am I supposed to do now??”_ cursed himself Zell, recalling the last night.

 _“How can I face him? It’s so embarrassing…but he was touching me so gently…”_ He shook his head vigorously. “ _No, no! Don’t think about last night or you’re gonna be hard again, fucking idiot!!”_

His moves woke Seifer up. The tall blonde yawned, rubbing his eyes. “Zell?”

“Oh! Seifer! Morning…”

“Mornin’…what time is it?”

“Dunno…I woke up just five minutes ago…”

“hum…I’m cold…” shivered Seifer. “Can we stay on the bed a bit longer?”

“Well, you can stay. I’m gonna take a shower…” Zell was about to get up when Seifer grabbed his arm. “What?”

“Can’t…ya stay with me?...please?”

Zell looked at his watch. It was still early and their breakfast time was in three hours. “Okay…give me a place.”

Seifer nodded and moved away to give some space to his friend. They lay under the blanket. Zell had his back on Seifer. He was still too ashamed to meet his eyes.

“Zell?”

“Yeah?”

“Why…are ya turnin’ your back to me?”

“I’m just tired, that’s all.”

“Ya…ya’re avoidin’me…”

Zell rolled his eyes and turned around. “No, I’m not! Why are you interpreting every single action I do that bad?”

Seifer bit his bottom lip. “Coz’…ya never tell me anythin’…” he raised up to sit. “I’m always honest with ya…but even if ya say ya trust me, I feel there’s somethin’ wrong with me…somethin’ ya don’t tell me…so dunno what to say or to think…”

The tattooed man had to agree with Seifer. Yes, there was something he hid: not only one thing but several things.  Zell moved closer to him.

“Yes…that’s true. There’s something I don’t wanna tell you. But it’s not what you think.”

“What is it? Why don’t ya wanna tell me?”

“Because…if I tell you, you will stop to like me…and I don’t want this.” It wasn’t entirely wrong. If Zell told to Seifer the truth about the war, their childhood, their rivalry, maybe Seifer would reconsider his feelings and the affection he had for Zell. Maybe something would happen and he would come back to the normal time at his age? No one could guess. It was what Zell feared the most: losing the Seifer he liked: his friend; his little brother.

The scarred blonde caressed Zell’s cheek tenderly, smiling. “I will never hate ya, Zell. Whatever ya could do, I wouldn’t.”

“But…why do you like me that much? We just know each other since few months.”

“I don’t know…but I’ve got the feelin’ I know ya much more or that I’ve already met ya before…and ya are my only friend here. Ya’re not nasty with me and ya know Matron…and…”

“And?”

“And…ya make me feel different and special. Ya always do everythin’ to please me and…life is fun with ya. I’m happy when I’m with ya…”

“Really?”

“Yes.” Seifer took Zell’s hand with his. “Ya know, except Matron, people never really liked me. Even when I was tryin’ to be a good boy for mommy, she always hated me. I asked often why people hated me that much, to Matron, to Elise, even to the angel I met. She’s the one who answered me…”

“What…did she tell you?”

“She said that I was born this way…to be hated, that whatever I could do, people would still hate me because I brought troubles and pain…that it wasn’t my fault but that I couldn’t do anythin’…”

Seifer kept his eyes down. Zell could guess with the ton of his voice and seeing the tears in his eyes how much Seifer desired to be loved and felt lonely. He started to realize the reasons of his nastiness during all these years. Actually, Seifer never had been a bad person to begin with, but his encounter with Ultimecia and the tragic events in his childhood probably convinced him it was hopeless to be another man. He was convinced he couldn’t be anything else than a bad person, because deep inside, it was what he thought he was.

“But with ya, I’m feelin’ different, so as long as ya’re with me, everythin’ would be alright.”

“Seifer…” sighted Zell, hugging him. “People can be cruel sometimes, but you don’t have to believe in them when they think this way about you. Look inside you: do you think a bad person would have saved the life of a stranger like you did the first time we met? Do you think a bad person would take care of somebody like you do with me?”

Seifer lifted his head to see Zell’s smiling face. “No…”

“Then, that means that all the people who say that you’re a bad person are lying; that’s all.”

The kid seemed to be relieved, hearing these comforting words. He couldn’t help to smile when he stared at Zell. He always gave him the envy to smile.

“And ya?”

“What?”

“Why do ya like me? Is it because I saved ya when ya tried to die?”

“It’s not just for that.”

“Ah? Then, why?”

“Because…you also make me feel different. You’re always there to comfort me when I’m sad or to give me support. It really means a lot to me to know that you care so much about me. I’ve got a family and good friends but…there’s something special with you; something that I never felt before with anyone else…even if I was in love in the past.”

“Do…ya love me?” asked innocently Seifer.

The question was embarrassing but strangely, Zell didn’t get embarrassed. Actually, he didn’t know how to answer since he wondered what he really felt for him. He loved the little kid that Seifer was. But he couldn’t completely ignore that he was still an adult physically. Did it mean that he loved him this way? He didn’t know…

“I already told you I liked you, remember?”

“Yes…”

“Then, stop wondering unnecessary things.” Zell closed his eyes. “Let’s sleep a little bit until the breakfast.”

“Zell?”

“Yeah?”

“Ya…ya still didn’t tell me what ya’re hidin’ me…ya don’t have to be scared. I’ll be still your friend.”

“I know, Seifer. But…maybe later, okay?”

“But…ya will?”

“Sure. Let’s go back to sleep now.”

“Ok…” Seifer took Zell’s arm and enrolled it around his waist. “I will never hate ya, Zell. Never…” whispered the child before closing his eyes.

“Me neither, my friend.” Replied Zell softly.

 

 

The two blondes stayed in the bed until the breakfast time. They took a shower and went to the refectory, as every day. But after had finished, Zell had to go to Elise’s office for his session. This time, Seifer decided to accompany and to wait for him in the waiting room. He took a book with him.

“If there’s something wrong, don’t hesitate to come to Elise’s office, okay?”

“Yep! Don’t worry, I’m a big boy!” replied proudly Seifer.

“I know that. Then, see you later.” Zell stroked his hair before leaving him in the waiting room.

 

He went to Elise’s office and knocked at her door.

“Come in.”

Zell entered. “Good morning, Elis…” He stopped talking immediately when he saw that she wasn’t alone today. He closed the door behind him and blinked. Edea, Laguna, Kiros and Ward were there.

“Guys? Matron? What are you doing here?”

“Good morning, Darling. I’m happy to see you.” Said Edea getting up and approaching to hug him.

“Me too, Matron. But I expected your visit this afternoon…”

“I know…but there’s something we have to tell you and…we couldn’t wait.”

“Ah? Something happened?” he looked at Laguna and his friends. Ward kept his eyes down. “But…why are you here too, guys?”

“Have a sit, Zell. We’re going to explain you everything.” Said Laguna.

Zell agreed and followed Matron. He sat at her left, facing Laguna, Kiros and Ward.

“Well, Miss Kramer told me you asked her to investigate about Seifer’s family, right?” demanded Elise.

“Yes. Is it why you took his DNA’s samples yesterday? Did you find a relative?”

“Yes…but I think Miss Kramer and President Loire can explain it to you.”

Zell turned his attention on them. Edea started to speak first.

“I went to Timber to investigate about Seifer’s family, and I discovered a lot of things about his mother, Ana. To be short, at the beginning, she was working at Deling City as a waitress at the hotel bar. She met her husband, Sacha, there. She left Deling for Timber to marry him. She got pregnant and just before Seifer’s birth, Sacha disappeared and abandoned her. He didn’t recognize his paternity and left Timber. Nobody knows what he became. After that, Seifer’s mother fell in a deep depression and died from an alcohol poisoning…”

 “So…did you find this Sacha? Why did he abandon his family this way? Did he never have wanted to know his son???” asked Zell.

“Actually…Seifer isn’t his biologic child.” Replied Laguna.

“What?”

“Seifer is wearing his name but he’s not his son.”

“I see…that’s why you needed Seifer’s DNA samples, right? This is that way you discovered he wasn’t his father?”

“No…to be honest with you, we didn’t meet Sacha. We suppose he changed his name after the last war, because of Seifer’s reputation…”

“But…why did you need his DNA, then?”

“During her investigation, Edea discovered Sacha was also a member of the resistance in Timber. He enrolled his wife in this movement and since she was working at the Galbadia Hotel, she met soldiers and could get information to help him. She was a pretty girl and she used her charms to get what she needed…if you know what I mean.”

Zell blinked. “Did…did her husband know about this?”

“Actually, he encouraged her to do it.” Said Kiros.

“So…if Sacha isn’t Seifer’s biologic father, it means that…” began to guess Zell.

“It means that his father is a former galbadian soldier.” Finished Laguna. “And…when Edea talked to us about her investigation, we remembered Ana. We didn’t know she was Seifer’s mother because at the time we met her, her name was Ana Sega, not Alamsy…”

“Wait a minute! You mean…you knew her???”

“Yes. We went often to the hotel for Laguna to listen to Julia…but also for Ward.” Added Kiros. He gave a glance to his friend. “Ward was close to Ana at this time. I think you understand our presence here now…”

Zell stayed frozen during a long time before realizing the importance of Kiros’s revelation. He fixed Ward intensely but the tall man kept his head down with a sad expression on his face.

“You…you are Seifer’s father, right?” demanded Zell looking at Ward.

“Yes he is. That’s why we asked to Doctor Garnet to send us Seifer’s DNA samples to compare it with his, and…since you’re close to Seifer, we thought you would be the best person who could…introduce them to each other.” Replied Kiros.

Zell was annoyed to hear Kiros replying at Ward’s place. It concerned him directly but he still refused to talk. The tattooed man continued to fix the other man.

“What are you gonna do now you know he’s your son? Will you recognize him?”

“We aren’t at this point, Zell, and…” began to say Kiros when he was interrupted by Zell.

“I don’t ask to you, Kiros. I ask to HIM!” Zell got up and approached. “Can’t you talk by yourself, Ward? Are you gonna ask to your friend to translate every single word when you would face your son? Can’t you take your responsibilities instead of hiding behind your muteness?”

Edea went between Zell and Ward. She could guess Zell started to get exasperated. “Darling, please. There’s no need to argue…”

“What? You say you need my help to introduce Seifer to you but he refuses to talk! What am I supposed to do?”

“Zell, please, calm down.” Said Elise.

“You didn’t give a shit about him during these three years. You knew he was just a kid but it didn’t bother you to let him living alone here! And now, you know he’s your son, you finally open your eyes??”

“Ward didn’t know until yesterday night that Seifer was his son. It’s so easy to judge him. You perfectly know as we do he would have raised him if he had known it.” Said Kiros, angry.

“HOW COULD I KNOW? HE DOESN’T SAY ANYTHING!!!” yelled Zell, furious.

“Zell!” said Edea firmly. “I’m glad to see you care that much about Seifer. But Ward has the right to know him. It’s hard for him too and I ask you to help him, please.”

The martial artist calmed down and relaxed. Edea’s words seemed to have convinced him. Looking at Ward, he could see the pain he felt. He probably regretted to not have been there for him and if he decided to come here today, it meant that he really wanted to know his child. But there was something which troubled Zell. Elise noticed it. This revelation about Seifer’s family seemed to have touched him more than she could have thought. She took her book notes and wrote something before closing it.

“Zell, Miss Kramer is right. Everyone here thinks that you’re the only one who can help Seifer and Ward to become closer. Seifer trusts you. Don’t you think he deserves to know his origins? His family?” asked Elise.

“Of course…”

“Will you help him?”

Zell hesitated. Everyone was staring at him, even Ward who managed to find the courage to face him. His eyes seemed to implore him.

“Okay…but I think it’s better if I stay with you during your meeting with him. He’s a bit scared of strangers.”

Ward smiled and bowed to thank him. Edea caressed Zell’s cheek gently.

“Thank you, Darling.”

“Hum…” Zell looked at Ward. “Do you want to see him now? He’s in the waiting room.”

Ward felt a bit disoriented. He was afraid to face his child but on the same time he really wanted to see him. He gave a look to Kiros who encouraged him with a smile. Ward fixed Zell again and nodded with determination.

“Ok…I’m gonna look for him. Wait for me.” He was about to leave when he stopped in front of the door. “We should wait a bit more to tell him you are his father. I don’t think he’s ready yet to hear it.”

Ward nodded again.

 

Zell left Elise’s office and joined Seifer who was reading his book in the waiting room. When he heard some steps, the tall blonde raised his head and saw Zell coming.

“Hey, Zell! Are ya done already?”

“No…but can you come with me, please?”

“Where?”

“In Elise’s office. There’s someone there I want you meet.”

“Ah?”

“Yes. Come with me.” Zell held his hand to Seifer who grabbed it.

Then, they walked toward the office before entering. The tall blonde recognized immediately Edea with her long black dress.

“Matron!!”

“Good morning, Darling!” She hugged him tightly. “Happy to see you. How are you?”

“I’m fine! It’s great ya came earlier! This way ya could stay longer with us!”

“Yes…”

Seifer looked at Laguna, Kiros and Ward, frowning. He seemed to recall them perfectly and wondered why they were here.

“Do you remember Laguna, Kiros and Ward, Seifer?”

“Yes…but why are they here, Matron?” asked Seifer nervous. He turned immediately his attention on Zell and returned at his side. “Ya’re not gonna take me away from Zell?? Don’t wanna leave without him!!”

Zell smiled and took his hand. “Don’t worry, Seifer. They didn’t come here for this.”

“Really??”

“Yes. But there’s someone who wanted to meet you.” He made a sign with his head to Ward who approached.

Seifer turned around and saw the tall man moving closer. He squeezed Zell’s hand tighter, a bit impressed by him. He kept his eyes on him but moved closer to Zell instinctively.

“Seifer…” whispered Ward softly. It was the first word he pronounced since twenty years and…it was the name of his son. He was looking at him with sadness and happiness on the same time. He wondered how he couldn’t have noticed he was Ana’s son before. He had her eyes.

But the kid felt uncomfortable and hid behind Zell, still holding his hand.

“Ward…please. You’re terrifying him.” Said Zell.

“Sorry…I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to…” apologized the tall man.

“Seifer, it’s okay. Ward is a friend of mine and he knows Matron. He’s not gonna hurt you.”

“I’m not scared…” replied Seifer, lying. “I remember him. He brought me with his friends to see this ugly doctor!”

“What ugly doctor??” asked Laguna.

“Don’t know his name…he had a strange look and a horrible accent…”

“I see…you talk about Doctor Odine, right, Seifer?” demanded Kiros.

“Dunno…”

“It’s okay, Seifer. I didn’t come to bring you to him again or to take you away from Zell.” Reassured Ward, speaking softly. “I just wanna know you better…”

“Why?”

“Well…you know…” started to explain Ward, uncertain.

“As I told you, Ward is my friend and I talked to him about you. That’s why he wanted to meet you.”

“Ah??”

“Yes. Don’t you want to have other friends?” demanded Zell.

“Don’t need it…” murmured Seifer. “I already have a friend…” He squeezed Zell’s hand tighter.

 The other blonde was touched by his affection. Actually, he was thinking the same way. He just wanted they left this place and they never came back. He regretted to have asked this to Edea because it meant that he had to deal with Ward now. On the other side, he couldn’t really take Seifer away from his father. It was unfair.

“Being friends with other persons doesn’t mean that we have to split, Seifer. Ward is just gonna visit us sometimes. So, would you accept to stay with him and to be his friend?”

“Ya will stay with me?”

“Sure.”

“K…”

Ward smiled, relieved. He moved closer and held his hand to his son. “Thank you, Seifer. I’m…very happy to meet you.”

“Hum…” Seifer took his hand and shook it politely, with shyness. He didn’t trust Ward completely, but he didn’t want to disappoint his friend Zell.

“Maybe you could have a walk in the Garden with Matron and Ward?” proposed Elise.

The group nodded and left Elise’s office. She cancelled Zell’s session and asked him to come back tomorrow morning. She guessed he was too overprotective with Seifer to let him alone with Ward, even if Edea was with them. During this meeting, she understood something about Zell’s attitude toward Seifer, and she knew it would be difficult to talk about this subject with him.

Laguna and Kiros left Barhein to return at the presidential Palace. At the beginning, Kiros wanted to stay. But he knew it would be better to give some intimacy to his friend with his son. It was too early to know what would happen and if Ward would recognize Seifer, but Kiros couldn’t help to worry for him. Being the father of the sorceress’s knight and being a close friend to Esthar’s president risked to cause him troubles when people in Esthar and Galbadia would know about this.

Edea and Ward stayed with Zell and Seifer during the morning, until the lunch time. Seifer was a bit disappointed when Edea left because he thought she would stay for the rest of the day, but he accepted it and said goodbye to her. Ward told them he would come back tomorrow morning. Actually, Seifer didn’t seem to hate him. The tall man treated him nicely, the same way Edea and Zell did, so he began to feel secure and accepted his friendship slowly. He didn’t trust him completely yet, but he felt he wasn’t nasty.

 

* * *

 

In the road, to come back to the Presidential Palace, Ward and Edea were on a flying platform.

“So? How did you find Seifer, Ward?”

The man smiled. “He is…adorable. He looks like his mother…”

“You really loved her, right?”

“Yes…” sighed Ward sadly. “I knew she used me to get information for her lover…but when she was smiling at me, I couldn’t be mad at her anymore…I’ve never felt this way for anyone in my life.”

“You know, she never loved Seifer. She made him responsible of her husband’s departure and she beat him…I understand you loved her but you shouldn’t be so understanding with her after all what she did to you…and to Seifer.”

“I should have been there for her…and for him. If only I had known, I would have come back to Galbadia…I could have taken care of her and we would have been so happy with Seifer…”

Edea put her hand on his shoulder. “Ward, I don’t want to be rude but…she would never have loved you, whatever you could have done.”

“I know Edea…I know. But I had enough love for the both of us…I could have given them a better life.”

“You can’t keep people by your side if they don’t love you, Ward. I’m sure she had affection and tenderness for you, but her heart belonged to Sacha…”

“Fucking bastard…” he cursed. “I know you’re right about her. She would have left me anyway, even if I would have come back with her…but I could have raised my son.”

“Yes…such a waste for the both of you…”

Ward looked at his feet, defeated. “Do you think she knew it?”

“What? That Seifer was your son?”

He nodded. Edea crossed her hands as if she was praying.

“I don’t know…I can’t tell you…but Zell told me Seifer confessed him that his mother used to tell him it was his fault if his father left and that he hated him, so…I think she knew it.”

“But…she could have told me. I would have raised him…”

“Were you still in contact with her?”

“No. After our last mission when we were in the army, Kiros, Laguna and I quitted. I found a job as a cleaner at D-District prison for a short time before joining Laguna and Kiros again to look for Ellone. I stayed in Esthar with them after that.”

“I see…”

Ward looked at her. “Can you tell me about Seifer when he was at the orphanage, please? How was he?”

“Well, he was a bit rude with everyone, especially with Zell. He already had a strong temper.” Laughed Edea. “But he was cute and kind with me. Actually, he was adorable but he didn’t support to show it to the other kids. He acted proudly all the time…but I remember he always took care of them when they were sad or when something was wrong with them.”

“Really?”

“Yes…” replied Edea with melancholy. “As every child, he had his own fears but he always hid it. I recalled some good moments when he was a little kid…for example, he loved carrot cake. After Ellone’s departure, Squall was really depressed, so, to cheer him up, Seifer gave him his slice of cake. He didn’t give him personally but he put it on a plate and deposed it on Squall’s bed. He found it when he woke up and it appeased his pain for a short time.” She stared at Ward, still smiling.

“I also remember he feared the thunder. One day, Zell left because they fought. It was a raining day and he didn’t come back. So, Seifer left too to look for him. He found him near of the lighthouse, curled in a ball. He comforted him, despite he was afraid of the thunder, like Zell. When I found them, Zell was sleeping in his arms. Seifer was hugging him and warmed him with his sweatshirt. He had put his little hands on Zell’s ears to cover the sound of thunder because he knew he was also scared by this.”

“Oh…he already liked him that much. They looked pretty close today.”

“Actually, Seifer never had been a bad boy, but I think he forced himself to act this way. It was just a role he played. He was a bully at the Garden, especially with Zell and Squall. He always caused troubles during Quistis’s class…but he was generous. He didn’t hesitate to help Rinoa with the Forest Owls and he even congratulated Selphie, Zell and Squall when they passed the seed exam, despite the fact he failed…”

“And…when he was with you during the war. How was he?”

Edea’s face changed of expression. “You mean…when he was my knight?”

“Yes…”

“I can’t remember…I wasn’t myself at this time since I was under Ultimecia’s control. But I have some flashes about this period. I remembered to have been very rude with him when he failed to defeat Squall and his other friends…” She shook her head sadly. “I hate myself to have dragged him in my madness…”

“I didn’t want to make you recall this bad time, Edea…I’m sorry.”

“Don’t. I can’t forget it anyway. I recall these days every time…” She crossed her legs and put her hands on her knees. “You know…I don’t think Seifer really knew what he was doing either at this time but…”

“But?”

“But…he wasn’t completely ignorant either because he didn’t fight them with all of his strength. He was stronger than that but he never won each time he fought them.”

“Do you think so?”

“Maybe I’m just trying to convince myself, I don’t know…but it’s what I feel. I don’t think he wanted to hurt them because he could have killed them easily. Despite of what people can think, Seifer always had been stronger than Squall.”

“So…you think he tried to protect them when he was with you?”

“At the first place, he tried to protect me, but…yes. That’s what I think.”

Ward seemed to be relieved. He didn’t add another word until they reached the palace.

 

* * *

 

After the dinner, Zell and Seifer came back to Zell’s room. They were watching a movie.

“So? How did you find Ward, Seifer?”

“Dunno…he’s..nice.”

“And?”

“And nothin’. I just met him, I can’t tell ya.”

Zell laughed softly. The little Seifer always acted so proudly that he even didn’t want to admit he had been impressed and maybe a bit scared by Ward.

“Zell?”

“Yes?”

“Why…do ya want I become Ward’s friend? I mean, I don’t care and…”

“I know but Ward really wanted to meet you.”

“But he met me before and he didn’t care about me. Why now?”

Zell looked away. It was too soon to tell him the truth.

“Matron talked with him and he had been touched to see that you take care of me so well, so he thought you were probably a good boy if you were that nice with me and he wanted to become your friend. He didn’t know you before but now he knows you are my friend, it’s different. Do you understand?”

Seifer just stared at Zell. He wasn’t completely blind and knew it wasn’t the truth. But he also understood Zell wouldn’t tell him the real reason of Ward’s presence.

“Promise me…”

“What?”

“Promise me…that nobody would take me away from ya.”

“Seifer, you don’t have to be scared of this. I said to you that we will leave this place together.”

“Promise me.” Asked again the scarred blonde. “These men…they already divided me from Matron. If they try to do it again with ya, I won’t accept it and I will run away. Just promise me, please.”

Zell felt Seifer’s fear in his ton. Actually, it was understandable. The first time he met Laguna, Kiros and Ward was to meet Doctor Odine and after that, he had been sent here, without Matron. Of course, he was afraid to be separated from his only friend.

“Seifer, I told you the truth. Ward didn’t come here for this. He really wants to know you better.”

“I don’t trust him…or his friends.”

“I know. But you trust me, right?”

“Yeah!”

“Then, don’t be afraid about this. I’ll stay by your side. When Ward will visit us, I’ll be with you, okay?”

“But…why does he want to see me? He said he will come back tomorrow mornin’ but Matron has just the right to visit me once per month…”

_“But you are her knight, Seifer. It’s not like people would accept to let a former sorceress meeting her knight after all what happened. Besides, Ward is your family…” thought Zell._

“Zell?”

“Sorry. I was lost in my thoughts. Let’s just say that…Ward is a special person for you.”

“Ah?”

“Yes. You will understand later, and I’m sure that with the time, you will like him.”

“If ya like him, I’ll like him too…”

Zell smiled and stroked his hair tenderly. “Good boy. Let’s finish the movie.”

 

* * *

 

The next morning, after the breakfast, Ward went to visit Seifer. He was accompanied by Kiros. Zell cancelled his session with Elise. She wanted to refuse because Zell really needed to continue his therapy but she also knew he wouldn’t accept to let Seifer alone with Ward. She agreed and wondered if it was a good idea after all to use this child this way to help Zell in his therapy. Everything she did until now was to help Zell. She made him talk thanks to Seifer. She moved him at the same level to watch him and to give him some company. But with the last revelations about Seifer’s past, Zell’s problem became secondary. Actually, it even complicated Zell’s situation because she could guess the beginning of a jealousy toward Ward in his attitude. The two friends were really protective with each other, and until now, it was a good thing. But it would become a problem with Ward’s presence.

Ward and Kiros joined them in Seifer’s room. They went to the garden to take some fresh air. Ward brought some books, movies and even candies to him, which pleased Seifer. They were walking toward their usual spot. Kiros and Zell were behind Seifer and Ward, to give them some intimacy.

“You don’t seem to appreciate this situation, Zell.” Said Kiros.

“Why should I? He came back in his life just now as if it was normal…”

“You know Ward wasn’t aware of this. He couldn’t guess that Seifer was his son.”

“What does it change? You, Laguna and He knew in what kind of state Seifer was after Time compression. You didn’t mind to send him here.”

“Do you think we had any other choice? Should I remember you that Laguna is the president of Esthar? Do you think we could have kept him in the Presidential Palace like a common guest? We’re talking about the sorceress’s knight!”

“No. We’re talking about a kid, Kiros. That’s different.”

“A kid with an adult appearance. For everyone, he’s still Seifer Almasy. We couldn’t have taken this risk or we would have provoked protest movements in Esthar.”

“What about now? Don’t you fear it?”

“Now, it’s different. Besides, nobody knows it. If we keep this information hidden, it wouldn’t affect Laguna or anyone.” Kiros looked at Zell with surprise. “You blame us but I could say the same thing about you.”

“What?”

“You hated Seifer before coming here, and now, he’s your best friend.”

“I didn’t know Seifer was there.”

“Have you ever wondered what he became after the war? You didn’t seem to mind either.”

Zell swallowed these reproaches hardly. Kiros was right. He never wondered what happened to Seifer before. He didn’t care, because at this time, he was happy with his friends and Lydia.

“This situation doesn’t please me either, Zell. Ward is one of my best friends and I don’t want to see him suffering. I wished it could have been different but we must deal with it.”

“What? Is it a shame to be Seifer’s father?”

“It wouldn’t be if he was just an ordinary boy as everyone. But you know this is not the case. I don’t think anyone can be proud to be the father of a war criminal and of the sorceress’s knight in addition of that.”

“Then, nothing is restraining you right now. Feel free to leave.” Replied bitterly Zell.

“It’s Ward‘s decision. Not mine.”

 “If he’s thinking the same way you do, I’d appreciate you leave Seifer alone. He doesn’t need to suffer more.”

“Why are you acting so protectively, Zell? Seifer doesn’t belong to you. Even if he’s a child, he is not YOURS.”

Zell remained silent. It was the second time Kiros was right about him and he absolutely hated it. He had no right to judge him or to interfere in his relationship with Seifer. But on the other side, Zell didn’t have the right either to be in the way. He was the one who asked to Edea to investigate about Seifer’s past. He was glad to see he still had a family…but if it meant that he had to move away from him, he wouldn’t be able to accept it.

They passed the whole morning together, talking and laughing. Zell faked to be happy to not disappoint Seifer but he didn’t have a good poker face. The scarred blonde noticed it but didn’t mention it. He started to appreciate Ward’s company. Even Kiros began to change his point of view about Seifer. The kid was endearing and cute. It made him forget who he was, but not completely. Ward became more and more attached to his son, which gave him the desire to share a larger part of his life. Just before the lunch time, they said goodbye to them.

“I’ll be back tomorrow morning, okay? Do you need something in particular?” asked Ward to his son and Zell.

They shook their head. “Don’t think so…” replied Zell.

“Ok…see you tomorrow.”

“Bye Ward!” said Seifer.

The tall man smiled happily and caressed his hair with affection. He looked at Zell quickly to wave at him and left with Kiros.

 

* * *

 

The two friends were on the road to come back to the Palace.

“He’s incredible. Don’t you think, Kiros?” asked Ward joyful.

“Yes…he’s cute.”

But his answer didn’t seem to convince his friend. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“There’s something. Tell me.”

Kiros wasn’t at ease. He knew he would hurt Ward but he had to tell him. “I don’t think it’s a good thing you get attached to him.”

“Why? He’s my son!”

“But your son is the sorceress’ knight, Ward.”

Ward got pissed, hearing this nickname. “Is he just that for you??”

“It’s hard to forget who he is after all what happened…”

“The war ended three years ago! For Hyne’s sake, turn the page, Kiros!”

“The problem isn’t here and you know it. What are you gonna do with him? Everybody hates him in this world. He can’t come back to Balamb, to Galbadia or to Esthar. We placed him in Barhein because nobody could take care of him…”

“I can do it.”

“How? Tell me.”

“I don’t know…I can leave Esthar with him and bring him somewhere else…”

“You’re going too fast with him. You just know he’s your son since two days and you already want to raise him.”

“I’ve lost twenty years of my life with him! I won’t waste any other day now I found my child!”

Kiros seemed to be hurt. “So…these twenty years with Laguna and I…were just a waste of time for you?”

“I didn’t say that, Kiros! You know how much my friendship with you and Laguna is precious to me. I’ve been really happy with you two but…knowing that I had a child who was waiting for me during all this time is hard to accept. He needed me…and I wasn’t there. I could have raised him and…I think about all the things I could have taught him…he wouldn’t have become the sorceress’s knight if only I have been there…I could have protected him…”

“Ward…”

“Kiros, we fought against him during the war. I could have killed my own son without even knowing…”

“I know…”

“Laguna had Raine and even if she is gone, he still has Squall. You have your wife, Sonia. But…until now, I had no one. It’s not easy to know that I’m the father of a war criminal, of course…but when I look at him, I just see my son. My boy…”

“It’s understandable. But promise me to go slower with him. You already experienced a big deception with Ana. Don’t make the same mistake with Seifer. I just say it for your own good.”

“I know, Kiros. I know…thank you.”

Ward had to agree with his friend. He only knew Seifer since two days. It was too soon to decide what he would do. He even didn’t tell him yet he was his father. Could he really leave Esthar to raise his son in another town? Would he be capable to do it? Seifer was an eight-years-old-boy but it didn’t mean that he wouldn’t recover his normal age with his usual appearance. Besides, he was already an old guy. He didn’t really know how to take care of a child. Of course, Seifer wasn’t a baby but…there were so many things he needed to know. And finally, there was…Zell. It was obvious that Zell and Seifer were extremely attached to each other. Zell was still depressed and needed to continue his therapy. He couldn’t do it without Seifer. He needed him. Besides, Seifer didn’t want to leave Zell. He couldn’t divide them this way just because he wanted to raise his son. It was unfair. It would affect Seifer…and it would make Zell really sad. In his state, he needed support, and definitely not more pain and troubles.

 

 

During two weeks, Ward came every morning to visit Seifer. Zell was always there and cancelled his sessions with Elise. Father and son became closer, even if Seifer still didn’t know who Ward was. He brought him something every day: candies, cakes, chocolates, books, movies, clothes and even some video games. During these moments when Ward was with them, Zell felt more and more sidelined. Of course he was happy for Seifer, but his jealousy grew up. It was harder to hide his feelings for him. It was written on his face: Ward’s presence was definitely a bother to him.

 

* * *

 

One evening, after the dinner.

 

“Zell? Wanna play this game with me?”

The martial artist rolled his eyes. “As you probably forgot, I can’t use my left hand, so no thanks!” replied sarcastically Zell, irritated.

Seifer frowned, wondering why Zell reacted this way. “It’s a game of reflexion…ya can help me to solves inquiries and I’ll use the console controller.”

“You don’t need me to play…or for anything else anyway.”

Seifer got up and faced Zell. “Why are ya sayin’ that? Did I do somethin’ wrong?”

“Forget it. I’m sleepy anyway. Good night.” Zell got up and walked toward the door to return in his room.

“Zell! Wait!” He grabbed his arm.

“I told you I’m tired! Let go!”

“Why are ya nasty with me? You never stopped poutin’ today and durin’all the week…”

“Why do you care anyway?”

“I care! I can’t understand if ya don’t tell me!”

“What should I tell you? I’m TIRED! Can’t you understand it??” exclaimed Zell with anger. He pushed away Seifer and glared at him. “I’m not in the mood to talk…”

The scarred blonde looked down, hurt. He didn’t understand why Zell was so upset tonight. He noticed it lately but he didn’t want to argue with him again, so he didn’t insist.

Zell turned his back to him and started to walk again. He practically reached the door when he felt Seifer‘s arms covering his shoulders. He stopped moving, surprised.

“Don’t…hate me. Please…” whispered the child, burying his face in Zell’s neck.

“Wh..at?”

“If I did somethin’ wrong, I’m really sorry. But please, don’t hate me…”

Zell remembered what Seifer confessed him the last time they talked seriously, especially about what Ultimecia told him. He was convinced because of his mother and the bad experiences with people here that the woman he took for angel was right, that he was born this way, to be hated and that nobody would ever love him…

“I’m sorry, Zell…I just wanted to play with ya. I didn’t want to make ya sad…”

Zell turned around to face him. The boy wasn’t crying but the tears were already on his eyes. He caressed his cheek with his right hand.

“I should be the one to apologize, Seifer. Don’t worry, you’ve done nothing wrong. I’m sorry to have been so rude with you.” He kissed his forehead and wiped the first tear he shed with his finger.

“I’m just tired. Don’t take it for you, okay?”

“Ya…aren’t mad at me?”

“Of course I’m not. It’s already late. Go to bed now.”

“k…good night Zell.”

“Good night Seifer. See you tomorrow.”

Then, Zell left his room and returned in his. He took off his clothes and went on the shower. He let the water pouring along his back to relax, but it didn’t work. Nothing could work. He was so tense that nothing could help. He didn’t stop cursing himself to have asked to Edea to investigate on Seifer’s past. Now, he had to deal with Ward.

_“Why am I so angry? Kiros is right…Seifer doesn’t belong to me. I have no right to interfere in his relation with his father…but why does it make me feel so bad?”_

 

* * *

 

The next morning, Zell and Seifer went to take their breakfast. Zell tried to fake he was alright. It almost convinced Seifer who was still worried for him. He began to realize Zell changed since Ward started to visit them. During his visit, Ward talked most of the time with him but never with Zell who always stayed distant. He also noticed the way he was looking at Ward and he understood there was something wrong with it.

When they finished, they were on the road to come back in Zell’s room when the loud speaker called Zell’s name.

**_“Mister Zell Dincht is requested in Doctor Garnet’s office, please.”_ **

 

“Ah? Elise wants to see ya.”

“I wonder why. You can come back to your room. I’ll join you later.”

“I’m comin’ with ya. I’ll stay in the waitin’ room.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yep!”

Zell agreed and the two men went to Elise’s office. Zell accompanied Seifer to the waiting room before knocking to the door of the office.

“Come in.”

Zell entered and closed the door behind him. “You called me, Elise?”

“Good morning, Zell. Have a sit, please.”

“Hum… I’d like to end this quickly please. Seifer is waiting for me. I suppose Ward is already in his room now.”

“Actually, it’s about this point I’d like to talk about with you.” She mentioned the chair in front of her.

Zell sighed and accepted it. He sat in front of her. “Well?”

“I understand you want to be there for Seifer to introduce his father to him but…you cancelled our sessions since two weeks. We just begin the third one and I think we should start our work together again.”

“It’s too soon to let Seifer alone with Ward.”

“Zell, we have to continue your therapy…”

“I know but I refuse to let him alone with him. It’s too soon and we still haven’t told him.”

“You know as I do that you’re not doing it only for Seifer but mostly for you.”

 “What?”

“I think you understand perfectly what I mean, Zell. Ward wouldn’t hurt Seifer. You just don’t want to give him more space and more time with Seifer.”

“You’re wrong…” lied Zell. “You know Seifer is scared of strangers. He doesn’t want to stay with him alone. He needs me.”

“Okay, that’s not the subject anyway. You have to start your sessions with me again.”

“Then, why don’t you allow Ward to come on the afternoon? Usually, the visitors are allowed after Lunch break.”

“Well, I thought at the beginning to let Ward visiting Seifer during the time of our sessions. Besides, you have your physical exercise sessions the afternoon, so I thought it would have been better to cancel temporary our time together until Seifer feels at ease with him. But it’s getting too long.”

“If you want that I come back with you, cancel my sessions in the afternoon and ask Ward to come at this time. There’s no other available option.”

She fixed him, particularly annoyed, but she knew she couldn’t make him change his mind. Zell could be stubborn and he would refuse to talk anyway.

“Agreed. I’ll be waiting for you in my office tomorrow morning at the same hour as usual. I’m gonna come with you to explain the situation to Ward since he should be already there now.”

“Fine.”

They got up on the same time and walked toward the entrance.

“When are you gonna say the truth to Seifer?”

“I don’t know.”

“Zell, Seifer is a big boy. You would have to tell him one day…”

“No need to remain me this.”

 

After this brief meeting, they left Elise’s office. They picked up Seifer on the waiting room before going to Zell’s room. Ward was already there, waiting for his son.

“Hi Ward!”

“Seifer! How are you?”

“Fine! Ya came alone today?”

“Yes. Kiros and Laguna were a bit busy.” Zell and Elise joined them. “Zell, Doctor Garnet…good morning.”

“Morning…” replied Zell coldly.

“Hello Ward. May I have a word with you in privacy, please?” demanded Elise.

“Sure…” Ward looked at Zell briefly and turned his attention on Seifer. “I brought you other books and candies. Take a look in my bag, I’m coming back in a few minutes.”

“Thanks!” exclaimed Seifer with joy.

They went in the corridor to talk.

“What’s wrong?”

“There’s nothing to worry about, Ward. I just wanted to ask you to come in the afternoon instead of the morning if it doesn’t bother you, please.”

“But…why?”

“Because…Zell needs to continue his therapy and usually he has his sessions with me on the morning. He canceled it since you started to visit Seifer to be there so…”

“I don’t think his presence is necessary anymore. I’m getting along with Seifer and…”

“I know, Ward. But…Zell wants to be there during your visit.”

“Seifer is at ease with me. I don’t see why I should come later just to please Zell. It doesn’t concern him anyway.”

“Are you busy during the afternoon?”

“It ain’t the point! Whatever I have to do, I would cancel it to visit Seifer. It’s just…I don’t understand why I have to change my plans just for him. Besides, I would prefer to stay with my son alone. He doesn’t need to watch us or something!”

“I understand, Ward. But Zell is overprotective with Seifer. We know we can trust you and you would never hurt your son…but please.” Elise sighted. “To be honest with you, I planned your visits during the morning because I hoped Zell would have given you some privacy with Seifer during the time we were supposed to continue his sessions…but he refused to let him alone with you. Zell is still fragile emotionally and I don’t want to cause him more stress, I hope you understand…”

Ward was exasperated but he knew Zell was ill psychologically. He needed help and didn’t realize he became possessive with Seifer. Actually, it didn’t bother him to come during the afternoon, but what bothered him was the fact it was because Zell decided it. He noticed the way he looked at him every time he went to visit Seifer. Besides, he owed this to Zell. It was thanks to him that he discovered he had a son, so he refused to ruin all the efforts he already did to get better doing this therapy, dividing him from his friend.

“Okay…”

“Thank you. You can come after lunch time tomorrow afternoon.” She waved at him and returned in her office.

 

Ward came back in the room with Seifer and Zell.

“So? What do you want to do now, Seifer?” demanded Ward when he joined them.

“Let’s play the game ya gave me!”

“Alright.”

 

During two hours, Ward and Seifer played video games. Zell stayed away, looking at them annoyed. He remained quiet during all this time when he had enough and got up.

“Zell? Where are ya goin’?” demanded Seifer.

“Toilets.” Zell went to the bathroom and closed the door behind him.

Seifer followed him with the eyes until he disappeared in the bathroom. He couldn’t help to worry about him.

“Seifer? What’s wrong?” asked Ward.

“Ward…I think Zell is mad at me…”

“Did you argue with him?”

“Kind of…but he pretended he was just tired…he’s different lately. I don’t know what to do…”

“Would you want me to have a word with him?”

“No, no…or he would be even madder…” Seifer crossed his legs and stopped playing. “I think he’s mad because of ya…”

“Did he tell you this?”

“No but he’s never happy when ya are with us…” He looked at the tall man, embarrassed. “Ya are really nice and it’s fun when ya visit us but…maybe ya should stop comin’. I don’t like to see Zell like that…”

Ward got angry, not against Seifer but against Zell. It wasn’t enough to force him to change his schedule to visit his son, that he also had to stay away from Seifer because it didn’t please him. He tried to remain calm.

“Listen, Zell is my friend. We know each other and he would have told me if it was my fault. I’ll talk to him.”

“But…”

“I also planned to do it before you told me anyway. I noticed he wasn’t feeling very well lately. Maybe he would be more at ease to talk with me?”

“But…I’m his best friend. Why doesn’t he want to tell me what’s wrong?”

“Seifer, don’t forget Zell is ill. He doesn’t do it on purpose. I’m sure he doesn’t want to worry you for nothing, that’s why he didn’t speak with you. Do you understand?”

“Yes…but wanna help him…”

“You already help him a lot. You’re a good boy…and a good friend.”

Seifer blushed. He seemed to be really touched by Ward’s words.

“Thanks Ward…”

“For what?”

“To..be my friend.”

The strong man stared at his son with tenderness. He caressed his hair with affection, smiling. “I’m happy to have met you, Seifer…I regret to not have come to see you sooner…”

Zell went out of the bathroom and returned in his previous spot, on his bed. He took a book and faked to read, letting Ward and Seifer playing video games.

 

At the end of the morning, just before the lunch break, Ward said goodbye to his son. He was about to leave when he fixed Zell.

“Zell? Could you accompany me please? There’s something I’d like to talk about with you.”

The martial frowned but agreed. “Sure.” He gave glance to Seifer. “I’m coming back in a few minutes. Can you wait for me?”

“Okay…”

Ward said a last goodbye to his son and began to walk with Zell toward the elevator. They didn’t pronounce a single word until they reached it.

“So? What did you want to tell me?”

Ward faced him, turning his back to the door of the elevator. “I want you to stop interfering in my relationship with Seifer.”

“What does it mean?”

“You know it. Since I started to visit him, you never stopped glaring at me. I don’t need your presence anymore. Seifer trusts me and you know I wouldn’t hurt him or anything.”

“You say that but it doesn’t mean that it is true.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Do you think Seifer trusts you? You can spoil him with your gifts, it doesn’t mean that he would be able to feel secure alone with you.”

“How dare you…” replied angrily Ward.

“What? You deny it? You can give him the world in a silver platter that it won’t be enough to compensate all these years of absence.”

“He’s MY son! You won’t keep him away from me!”

“You’re his biologic parent, that’s true, but it doesn’t mean that you’re his father.”

Ward pushed the red button to stop the elevator. He pinned Zell against the wall. “You have no right to judge me! Maybe it’s thanks to you that I discovered my paternity, but I don’t have to justify myself to you!!”

“You know what we say, right? Only the truth hurts. You’re playing the good daddy since few days and you think you know what it is to be a father…”

“And I suppose you know it better than me, right?” Ward released him. “Let’s talk about you. Didn’t you hate him before coming to Barhein?”

“We are not talking about me but…”

“I’m talking about you. Why do you think you have the right to decide what is good for Seifer? You are no one for him!”

“I know what is good for him!”

“Really? Then, why don’t you tell him who I am?”

“Because it’s too soon…”

“Liar! You just want to keep him away from me!”

“You wanted my help to be introduced to him and now you complain??”

“I wanted your help, yes! But you actually don’t help me right now! You just try to push me away! Because of you, I can’t see my own son whenever I want! I need your permission for this!!”

“I’m doing this for his sake! Don’t be so selfish and think about Seifer first!”

“You know as I do you absolutely aren’t doing it for his sake for your own one! You’re the selfish one here, Zell! Seifer has the right to know he has a father and I have the right to take care of him! I’m his family. You are just a friend!”

Then, Ward pushed the button again and the elevator continued to go down. Zell glared at him with a furious look.

“Seifer noticed the change of your mood since I started to visit him. He even asked me to not come back if it had to put you in this state. I already accepted to come in the afternoon to please you, don’t ask me too much.”

They went out of the elevator and began to walk in the corridor.

“You don’t please me at all. If you don’t like my attitude, feel free to come back in your happy routine.”

Ward stopped and turned around to face him.

“I’ll say it one, Zell: I have no intention to give up on my son and you won’t stop me to see him, so if I can give you an advice: stop being in the way.”

“Or what?” asked sarcastically Zell.

“You would regret it.”

The martial artist mocked him. “You don’t impress me. I know that what I’m doing is right for Seifer. If you can’t understand it, why don’t you shut up like you used to do it? What do you think you can give to him now, after all these years? You should have been there to take care of him, especially when he was beaten by this bitch who was his mother.”

Ward became furious when he heard Zell insulting Ana. He practically jumped on him but he saw guards and people looking at them. He understood it would be better to not do a scene, because it was exactly what Zell was looking for. He found his cool again and approached to whisper to his ear.

“I’ve no lectures to receive from a pathetic disabled alcoholic like you. Seifer is my son and you won’t take him away from me.”

 

Then, he left without letting the time to Zell to reply. The tattooed man bit his bottom lip to contain his rage. He never had been so humiliated by anyone in the past. He wasn’t alcoholic. He knew it. Even Elise told him the same thing. But Ward was right about his physical condition. Yes, he was disabled. Yes, he was down…but pathetic? Was it what people thought about him? Was it the way Seifer was seeing him? The anger toward Ward vanished to let the place to the doubt…and the pain. He came back to his room without even realizing it. He couldn’t stop thinking about Ward said.

“Zell? Ya’re back?” called Seifer.

But the other blonde didn’t reply. He kept his eyes down, fixing the floor.

“Zell?”

No answer. Seifer got worried and moved closer.

“Zell? Are ya…alright?”

The scarred blonde took his left hand with his. He didn’t know what to do. Singing? Hugging him? He saw often Zell sad…but not at this point. He began to curse Ward.

_“I’m sure it’s Ward’s fault! He said him somethin’ bad and now he’s mad…”_

He grabbed Zell’s face with his hand and forced him to look at him. “Zell, please! Talk to me!”

The martial artist lifted his head. “Do you find me…pathetic?”

“What??”

“Am I pathetic? Do you stay with me by pity?”

“No! Not at all!! Ya are my best friend! Why do ya think that????”

“Because…that’s what I am. I’m…pathetic. I can’t even do basic tasks like cutting my meat alone…I’m worthless…”

“Stop it!! Don’t say that!”

“Why not? This is what you think! This is what everyone thinks anyway!!”

“It’s not true!”

“Why didn’t you let me die? Why did you need to save my life??”

Seifer blinked with shock. There was a long time since Zell stopped to have death wishes. Something happened with Ward which gave him these bad thoughts.

“Ya…ya promised me…” began to say Seifer with a crying voice. “Ya promised me ya wouldn’t…”

Seeing Seifer crying for him made him ashamed. He knew he would worry him again letting him think that he wanted to try to die. It wasn’t what he wanted to say. He just wanted to have answers. He wanted to know why Seifer saved him…just to prove to Ward that he wasn’t just a common friend for Seifer, that he was more important than that…

“It’s not what I meant, Seifer. Just tell me…what did you think when you saved my life? What am I for you?”

 The other man hugged him. “I saw ya this day…I saw ya were really sad…and it made me somethin’…”

“I don’t understand…what do you mean by it made you something?”

“My heart…it hurt. It hurt when I saw ya. I don’t understand why…but it was as if I felt your pain…It was the first time I saw ya but…ya looked familiar to me, and when ya told me your name, ya recalled me my friend Zell. He was like ya at the orphanage…”

“Zell? The cry baby?”

“Yes…he cried all the time for nothin’…but he was really nice. I was nasty with him like everyone at the orphanage because of that but…I really liked him and I never told him before he left. He probably forgot me now but I regret to not have told him. He left thinkin’ that I hated him…”

“I’m sure he doesn’t think this way. Anyway, why were you so nasty with him if you liked him?”

“I…I thought he didn’t like me so…” Seifer released Zell and kept his eyes down. “The first time, when I met him, I tried to be nice with him. But I feared him. Matron said it was because Zell was fearful and he did it with everyone…but I know she just said that to me because she didn’t want to make me sad. But I know it was because of me. He really liked Squall, Irvine or Quistis…so, I hated him and I became nasty with him…and, when the angel told me people hated me because I was born this way, I regretted to have hated Zell. It wasn’t his fault but mine. I didn’t have the time to tell him and he got adopted…”

“Oh, Seifer…” murmured Zell sadly.

Zell understood Seifer’s pain was more important than he thought. He had been rejected by his mother and neglected by people until he arrived at the orphanage. Matron took care of him but he misunderstood Zell’s attitude toward him and took it for him. It was true that Zell was afraid of everything at this time. But he never realized that Seifer interpreted it that way, thinking Zell hated him. Actually, he acted this way with everyone: Squall, Irvine, Selphie, Quistis, Ellone…but Seifer thought wrongly, that he was like this just with him. His mother’s hatred toward him let deep scars and he was probably afraid to be hated again, so to protect himself, he began to act rudely. His encounter with Ultimecia probably finished him to convince him that everything was his fault, that as she told him, he was born to be hated. He blamed himself to have been born this way and regretted to have reproached it Zell because he thought it was his fault.

“And when I saw you…I didn’t think when you jumped. I stopped you because…I felt your pain in your eyes. I wanted to help you and after that, you were so nice with me…” He made a pause to think to answer to the second question Zell asked him. “You aren’t just a friend for me, Zell…before it was Matron, but now it’s you.”

“What?”

“The person I love the most in the world. It’s you now. I still love Matron…but I love you more because you don’t hate me like the others. I know Matron loves me too but not as much she did before…or she would have brought me with her. Mommy and daddy didn’t love me. My friends at the orphanage and people here neither…but you are different. So, I don’t want to lose you. If I did somethin’ wrong I’m sorry, but please don’t hate me and stop thinkin’ about death…”

Zell hugged Seifer, dragging him against his chest. His grip was so tight that Seifer even had some difficulties to breathe. He hugged him back, keeping silent, when he heard Zell’s sobs.

“Zell? Are you…cryin’ because of me? Did I make you sad??”

“I…” whispered Zell between cries. “I’m crying because of you, yes…but it’s not because I’m sad but because I’m happy…you make me so happy…”

“Don’t lie…”

“No Seifer…I’m not lying. I’m so happy because I can feel the love your have for me…and it touches me deeply.”

“Really?”

Zell wiped his tears with his right hand and looked at him, smiling. “Yes. I’m sorry if I was cold lately. I think I was just jealous of Ward and…I was afraid you could love him more than me…it was stupid to think and to act like this. I’m really sorry you misunderstood and you thought it was your fault…”

“If it bothers you, I don’t want to see Ward again.”

“No…it’s okay. It’s my fault. Forgive me. I won’t act this way anymore.” He stroked his hair and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “Thank you, Seifer. Thanks to be there…and to love me.”

“I’m glad we talked. I don’t like to see you depressed…”

“I’m sorry to cause you so many troubles.”

“Don’t. It’s my duty as your best friend!”

Zell laughed and found his smile again. “Thanks. Let’s go to the refectory…it’s time for lunch.”

* * *

The next morning, Zell woke up as every day, early. But he wasn’t feeling very well. He had some stomach cramps and felt really tired. He didn’t sleep very well last night and he didn’t eat a lot during the dinner. His quarrel with Ward didn’t help and made him anxious. He promised to Seifer he would stop being cold and distant, but he knew it would be hard with Ward’s presence. Maybe he had been rude toward him, blaming him to not have been there for his son sooner. It was unfair because Ward didn’t know. But he couldn’t help to be on the defensive with him.

They went to the refectory to have their breakfast. Zell wasn’t hungry.

“Are you alright, Zell? You look pale…” worried Seifer.

“It’s okay. I didn’t sleep very well last night so I’m not hungry…”

“You should go see Elise.”

“I have to visit her for my session this morning. Ward is coming this afternoon.”

“Okay…” Seifer kept his eyes on him, still concerned. Zell noticed it and tried to reassure him.

“Don’t worry, Seifer. I’m fine. Maybe I just caught a cold or something?”

“Yes…I’ll stay with you tonight to be sure you are okay.”

Zell chuckled. “You know, I’m older than you…you don’t have to play the baby sitter with me…”

“But if I’m not here, you don’t take care of you. So, I’ll stay with you! Like it or not!”

“I like it.”

“Huh?” blushed Seifer.

“I like it when you are with me, so you can stay as long as you want. But you don’t have to do it if it bothers you.”

“It doesn’t bother me. I like to be with you either.”

“Thanks. I think I’m gonna visit Elise now. I’m not hungry anyway.”

“I’m coming with you.”

“No…it’s alright. You can return in your room. I don’t like to see you waiting for me there. It’s boring.”

“But…”

“I prefer it this way. I don’t like to know that you’re alone there during my session. I’m not at ease with it, but if I know you are in your room, in a safe place, I’ll be more reassured.”

“Okay…”

“I’ll accompany you to your room. Let’s go.”

 

Zell returned at the second floor and brought Seifer back in his room before leaving for his session with Elise. He was tired because of the lack of sleep and the stomach cramps, but he had to do it. He just hoped that Elise wouldn’t push him too hard today.

He arrived in front of her door and knocked.

“Come in.” She welcomed him with a smile. “Good morning Zell.”

“Morning.” He sat in front of her and faked to be alright.

“You look tired. Did you sleep well?”

“No…I think I need to take the pills again for it.”

“Sure. I’ll give you some. I suppose you have been a bit messed up with the last events with Seifer, right?”

“I’m fine with it.”

Elise stared at him, concerned, before sitting in front of him.

“Zell, I think we have to talk about this…”

“About what?”

“About…the way you’re acting with Seifer and Ward. The situation is clearly bothering you.”

“I’m happy for Seifer and I’m just trying to do what is the best for him.”

“I’ve no doubts about your intentions…but I think you’ve become a bit too much attached to him…”

“What do you mean?”

“You are…possessive with Seifer, Zell. Everybody noticed it.”

“What? Is it a crime to worry for him?”

“I didn’t say that…”

“Everyone just sees Seifer as the sorceress’s knight, as an adult just because of his appearance! Am I the only one here who sees the child in him??”

“You’re close to him. It’s normal that you‘re worried about him. It’s not a problem…or at least, it wasn’t a problem until now…”

“Why? Because Ward came in his life?”

“Zell, please relax. You don’t have to get so upset. Ask yourself why Ward’s presence bothers you that much.”

“It doesn’t bother me.” Lied Zell.

She sighted and tapped something on her computer before turning the screen toward him. “We caught this scene yesterday with our security system. It’s not what I would call a “friendly conversation”…”

The scene showed Zell and Ward talking in the main hall. Ward raised his hand to hit Zell who remained calm and approached to whisper something before leaving.

“So? Wanna tell me what happened between you two?”

“Nothing happened.” Replied Zell, uncomfortable.

“Ward was about to slap you. What did you say to put him in this state?”

“What? Why do you think it’s necessarily my fault?”

“It’s not what I said. I just asked you what you said…”

“Does it matter? You’re already convinced that I provoked him!”

“People don’t get mad so suddenly this way, Zell. Tell me.”

Zell groaned, exasperated. “I just said that Seifer’s mother was a bitch, that’s all.”

She fixed him, suspicious. “That’s all?”

“Yes, that’s all! If you don’t believe me, why do you ask??”

She took her book notes and wrote something. “It wasn’t really smart from you to say that knowing how much Ward loved Seifer’s mother.”

“I don’t care. This is what she was: a fucking slut who didn’t give a shit about her child.”

“And do you think Ward needed to hear that? It wasn’t necessary…”

Zell looked at her, even more irritated. “I repeat: I don’t care.”

She wrote something, which bothered Zell. “What is your diagnostic, Doctor? Insane? Idiot? Selfish? Possessive? What else?”

She remained calm, despite of Zell’s agressiveness. “I’m not doing any diagnostic, Zell. I just write questions and elements that I could use to help you.”

“Of course you don’t need to do it…” he said sarcastically.

“Besides, it’s absolutely not what I think about you.”

Zell laughed bitterly. “Don’t make me laugh, Elise. It’s not working…”

“I tell you the truth.”

“BULLSHIT!”

She jumped with fear, caught by the surprise. “Calm down, Zell…”

“This is what you think, as everyone!!”

“Ok, stop it, right now! I don’t know why you are that upset but I don’t give you the right to speak at my place! If I say that it’s not what I’m thinking about you, that means exactly this!” she exclaimed with authority. She found her cool and started to speak calmly again. “Tell me what Ward replied to you.”

“…”

She insisted again. “Zell, tell me.”

“It doesn’t matter…”

“It does. It visibly affected you to push you at this limit. I need to know. Please…”

Zell looked at his left arm sadly. “He said…that I was just a pathetic disabled…alcoholic.”

She noticed the sadness in his voice and understood Ward’s words impacted him more than she suspected. She wondered why the other man had been so rude knowing Zell was fragile emotionally, but she guessed Zell didn’t tell her everything earlier and he probably had provoked Ward to push him that far.

“Is it why you are so depressed and angry today?”

“Maybe…”

“Zell…” she got up and filled a glass with water before holding it to him with a pill. “It will help you to relax. Take it.”

He grabbed the pill and swallowed it with some water without asking what it was. She returned at her previous place and continued.

“Let’s talk honestly about this. Ward’s presence disturbs you. Tell me why.”

He took the time to think before answering. “It’s…too easy.”

“What is too easy?”

“To come back in Seifer’s life this way, as if it was normal. I know he didn’t have any clue about his paternity and all but…he met Seifer when he came to Esthar with Matron. He knew he wasn’t in his normal state, that he was just a child inside, but he didn’t mind at all…”

“But he didn’t know who he was for him…”

“What does it change? If you see a child in the need, would you refuse to help him just because he’s not yours?”

“Zell, we’re talking about Seifer Almasy. You can’t expect an understanding reaction after all what happened, especially in Esthar.”

“I had more reasons than anyone to hate Seifer. He bullied me during my childhood and at the Garden; he tried to kill me with my friends and he even invaded my city during the war. But…despite of that, I forgave him and I forgot what he did and what he was when you told me he was just a kid inside. I took care of him forgetting everything because I know he’s innocent. But Ward didn’t do the same thing. He just threw him here with Laguna and Kiros, pretending it was for his own good. Nobody had ever wondered what he could feel, all by himself…”

“So…you’re blaming Ward for this?”

“Yes. My mother isn’t blood-related to me but she loves me and she considers me like her real child, because I’m her son. He could have made an effort to know him better. He would have seen that Seifer is an adorable child…but he needed to know that he was his biologic son to develop some affection for him. He considers everything is normal and always talks about his rights. But about his duties?”

She kept silent, fixing him. She didn’t pronounce a word during a long time, when Zell had enough and broke the silence.

“What?”

“Hum…I’ve just realized something.”

“What?” asked again Zell.

“You know, at the beginning, I thought it was just the jealousy, that you were afraid to be divided from Seifer and that you considered Ward as an obstacle in your friendship with Seifer…but it’s not just that. It’s more complicated than I thought…”

“I’m not jealous of Ward!”

“Yes you are, Zell. You’re acting as if Seifer was yours. Your protectiveness isn’t just what a friend would feel for someone, and at this point, it isn’t protectiveness anymore but possessiveness. I’m sure a part of you regrets to have asked to Miss Kramer to investigate about Seifer’s past. Am I wrong?”

Zell didn’t reply but his silence was enough.

“You have other friends, Zell. But if I remember correctly what they told me about you, I can guess you never have been this way with anyone before. Your relationship with Seifer is more complex than it should be…”

“There’s nothing complex to care about someone.”

“Yes it is when there’s more than care and friendship. There’s a direct connection between Seifer and your story with Lydia…”

Zell couldn’t help to laugh. “What is the point with Lydia?”

“Wasn’t she pregnant?”

“And?”

“Maybe you managed to mourn her…but not the child she was caring.”

“Come on, Elise…we even can’t talk about a child. She was pregnant since three weeks, maybe more…don’t start imagining things about this. Of course it affected me, I can’t deny it. But…”

“Zell, you’re operating a transfer on Seifer. He became the child you lost.”

“This is completely insane…”

“Zell, you don’t act like a simple friend with him, but like a father.”

“I’m not considering myself as his father! How could I? We grew up together!”

“Seifer told me what you promised to him. He said you had the intention to bring him with you when you would leave Barhein.”

“And so? There’s no real reason to keep him locked here. It’s just because nobody wants to take this responsibility.”

“But you’re a seed. What do you intend to do with him? Bringing him back to the Garden? You know he’s not welcome there. So, that can only mean one thing: you want to quit, to raise him.”

The two of them maintained the eye contact but without anger or anything. They were just read each other.

“As you should be aware about this, I’m not a seed anymore because of my handicap.”

“But you still belong to the Garden.”

“I’m useless there. I can’t fight anymore and I’m probably the worst teacher it could exist. I want to be useful at least for someone…and that’s what I am for Seifer.”

“What you call by “being useful” is actually giving an education to a child…who he is not yours. I don’t want to hurt you but…you’re not Seifer’s father and you never will be.”

“That’s not what I’m trying to be…”

“Yes it is. That’s why you’re so jealous of Ward. You’re scared to lose your place in Seifer’s heart and you’re considering this man as your rival. You can’t deprive him of his rights.”

Zell stopped talking. He had enough to justify himself. But actually, he didn’t know how to contest her.

“This transfer you’re doing on Seifer isn’t good for you. You endured a terrible shock and it’s understanable you need time to recover from this. But if you continue to see the child you wanted to have in Seifer, you’re gonna hurt yourself even more. Living in the past and in the denial won’t help you, on the contrary.”

“So…this is what you think it is? You think that I couldn’t mourn my child’s death and that I’m trying to compensate this pain with Seifer, being his father?”

“Kind of…but actually, I think there’s another reason to this and this is related to your father.”

Zell couldn’t stand it anymore and got up. “Okay, I’m done with you today. I’ve no intention to listen to this bullshit.”

“Have you ever wondered why you wanted that much to become a father, Zell?”

“Maybe because I like children?” he replied ironically, walking toward the entrance.

“Or maybe because you missed something important in your childhood, after your father’s death?”

He stopped walking, still back on her. “And what do you think I miss?”

“Your father.” She replied simply.

He faced her again, perplex.

“Zell…don’t you realize that you’re running after something you will never catch?”

He frowned. “I don’t understand what you mean.”

“You miss your father…and you imagined compensating his absence being a father with this child you were supposed to have with Lydia, and now with Seifer. You planned to live with this kid everything you should have lived during your own childhood. You couldn’t have lived it because of your father’s death and you miss this time with him. In fact, you’re seeing yourself through Seifer…”

“I’m not that insane!!”

“Zell, you’re not insane. You’re just living the five stages of grieving.” She made a sign to him to sit again but he stayed at his place.

“Shock, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptation. These are the five stages of grieving. The stage of shock is the shorter one. At this time, people usually deny the truth and have some problems to exclaim their emotions. The second one, at the stage of anger, the denial disappears but other feelings appears like pain, aggressiveness or guilty. Since your father’s death until today, you were stuck in this stage. It explains some of your character traits like your impulsivity or your protectiveness with people. Because of your guilt, you buried your emotions. But deep inside you were angry against yourself. So you turned your own anger against yourself. You forbade you the right to be weak so you trained and trained again. You wanted to be stronger, but it was also a way to bury your feelings deep inside.” She smiled sadly. “Indirectly, you were waiting for a punishment for your faults…”

 “What are you talking about now?”

“Why did you choose your hands as weapons?”

“Because I promised to my mother I would never kill anyone. She was afraid that I become a murderer being a seed.”

“Is it just for this reason?”

“If you are so smart, why don’t you tell me what you think?”

She removed her glassed and fixed him in the eyes. “Unconsciously, you wanted to be hurt, that people hurt you.”

“I’m not masochist. I’m…I mean, I was a martial artist. I was as strong as my friends.”

“Of course you are. I’ve no doubts about this. You developed a pretty good style and you’re very strong. I just mention the indirect reason which pushed you to choose these weapons. You were the only one at the beginning at the Garden who fought only with his fists.”

“I told you my reason. It was for my mother. Stop imagining stupid theories about this!”

“A mercenary is a soldier. It means that he has to fight or to do war. Do you think soldiers go to fight on the battlefield without any weapons? You know better than me what the war is, since you lived it directly. I also think you’re brave. That’s why you never feared to fight just with your hands. I just mentioned the fact that you choice of this weapon was guided by your feelings and your guilt.”

“There’s no sense at all.”

“ Seifer played a role in your life at the Garden either.”

“What? You mean messing up my life?”

“Exactly.”

He frowned again.

“Wasn’t he the only one who always provoked you?”

“Yes and what?”

“It was important to you. Unconsciously, he gave you what you wanted, that’s mean a punishment. Mister Leonhart was cold and indifferent with you. Miss Trepe was too busy to take care of you and you met Miss Tilmitt, Mister Kinneas and Miss Heartilly later. So, Seifer was the one there to give you some importance.”

“Do you think I liked to be punished all the time for nothing and to be humiliated by him?”

“You didn’t like it, Zell…but you needed it. You needed it the same way a child needs to be punished when he does something foolish. In your case, the foolish thing was your father’s death.”

“Elise, you’ve got a lot of imagination because I never and I say NEVER, thought this way even for a second!”

“Zell… it was unconsciously. This is the result of the stage of anger. Your emotions exclaimed unconsciously through your actions because you buried it so deeply inside of you that it couldn’t get out in another way…”

The tattooed man seemed to be exhausted. It wasn’t just because of the lack of sleep, his stomach cramps or his bad mood…but also because he was tired to think. Feelings, emotions…all these things only brought pain. He just wanted to stop thinking.

“You finally left the second stage after had talked with your mother. But now, you enter in the third one: the stage of bargaining. During this time, the denial comes back and people try to deal with the person they lost…as if there was a possible come-back. That’s what you’re trying to do becoming Seifer’s father. You waited to be a father to leave the second stage and you understood you missed your chance when you discovered Lydia was pregnant. But you had a second chance with Seifer when you understood he was a child. You’re just running after yourself, after the boy you should have become if your father hadn’t lost his life…and indirectly, you think you can find your dad again through your paternity. Ward is on the way, that’s why you can’t stand his presence.”

Zell looked down. Maybe Elise was right after all? He didn’t know what to think anymore. He was lost in his despair.

“But…I really like him. I like Seifer. I want his happiness…”

“I know, Zell. I don’t doubt about your sincerity and I see it by myself that you really like him…I even should say that you love him. But you have to understand that in your state, you’re fragile emotionally and every little thing can have an impact on you.”

“I see…”

She got up and approached. She touched his forehead. “You don’t look well. Let’s end this for today. You need to rest.”

“Yes. See you tomorrow.” He started to leave when Elise called him.

“Zell? Take this medication with you.”

“What is it?”

“Tranquilizers. It will help you to relax and to sleep. I’ll ask to the refectory to bring you a meal tray with Seifer in your room.”

“Thank you.”

Then, Zell left and returned in his quarters. He had some difficulties to walk but found his way and reached the elevator.

 

Elise was about the refectory when her secretary called.

_“Doctor Garnet? Mister Zabac would like to talk with you. He says it’s important.”_

“Oh…tell him to come in my office, please.”

_“Yes, Miss.”_

Few minutes later, Ward knocked and entered in Elise’s office.

“Ward! Good morning. Have a sit please.”

“Morning Elise.” He sat in front of her.

“So? What can I do for you?”

“It’s about Seifer.”

* * *

Zell didn’t immediately go to visit Seifer who was waiting for him in his room. He stopped at the first floor and went to the first balcony he saw in his way to have some fresh air. He was feeling hot and uncomfortable. He probably caught a cold and started to have fever. He stayed there some minutes to find some energy. He wanted to return in his bedroom but he knew Sefier would hear him come back and would worry, so he wanted to get better before returning there. After fifteen minutes, maybe more, he went to the toilets, still at the first floor to have some water. He needed to take his medication. After had taken it, he chose a cabin and closed the door behind him. He sat on the toilets to rest. He was breathing heavily. He didn’t realize he stayed practically half an hour in this place. He was so tired that that he lost the track of time. He finally got up but when he was about to leave, he felt bad and puked on the toilets. He fell on his knees and continued to throw up until he couldn’t. He wiped his mouth and went back on his feet hardly. He walked toward the washbasin to rinse his mouth and to wash his hands, stumbling. He finished quickly and went back to the elevator. He really needed to sleep. He would tell to Seifer he wasn’t feeling well and he would understand. He arrived in front of his door by miracle and entered. Seifer and Ward were already there.

“Zell! You’re back!” said Seifer with joy.

“Hi…” replied Zell softly. “Hum…sorry but I need...I need to rest a bit..”

Seifer approached and touched his forehead. “Zell…you have fever…”

“I’m f..ine…can you go..to your room with..Ward..pl..” but he never finished his sentence that his vision became blurry and he collapsed. Seifer took him in his arms and called him.

“ZELL! ZELL!!”

Ward joined them and checked Zell’s pulse and touched his forehead. “Let’s bring him to his bed. We’re gonna call Elise.”

Ward carried the martial artist and deposed his inert body on his bed. Seifer went to his side immediately.

“Zell! Don’t die! Don’t die! Please!!”

Ward tried to reassure him. “Seifer, don’t panic. I’m sure it’s nothing…”

“Call someone! Hurry!!”

“Hum…yes. Do you know the number or should I look for someone directly?”

“The phone! There’s a list on the table!”

Ward nodded and looked for the list Seifer mentioned. There was the emergency number on the first line. He composed the number and explained calmly the situation.

During this time, Seifer was terribly panicked. He began to cry, calling Zell’s name again and again.

“Zell…please! Don’t die! Don’t let me!! Please…wake up…” he took his left hand and squeezed it tightly. “Please…please…”

 

* * *

 

When he woke up, at the end of the afternoon, Zell was at the infirmary. A nurse approached and spoke softly.

“You’re awake, Mister Dincht? How are you feeling?”

“Where…am I?”

“At the infirmary. Stay on the bed, please. I’m calling Doctor Garnet right now.”

Zell turned his head on his left and saw Seifer, sleeping on a chair and holding his left hand. He was clearly on an uncomfortable position but he was probably too exhausted to bother anyway. Zell smiled, seeing him.

Some minutes later, Elise arrived.

“Hi Zell. How do you feel?”

“Tired…what happened?”

“After our session, you came back in your room practically one hour later. You collapsed when you arrived in your bedroom. Seifer and Ward called me. I checked your position when Seifer told me you came back that late in your room and I saw you made a stop to the first floor…what were you doing there?”

“I felt bad and I needed to have some fresh air. I went to the toilets to take the medication…and I vomited.”

“I noticed your condition wasn’t good at all but since you told me you didn’t sleep very well, I thought you were just exhausted and annoyed. You should have told me you were feeling that bad.”

“I was fine during our session…just a bit tired. What is wrong with me?”

“You have a stomach ulcer, caused by the stress and the nervousness, with a touch of flu. Adding to that the lack of nutrition and sleep problems, you’ve got this!”

“I see…” he looked at Seifer tenderly.

“He was terrified when you collapsed in his arms. He thought you were about to die. It took us three hours to cool him with Ward. After that, he refused to leave your side…”

“He’s so kind…where is Ward?”

“He left about one hour ago. It’s already 7:00 P.m.”

“Oh…”

“Are you hungry or thirsty?”

“No…I’m fine but I’d like to come back in my room please.”

“Sure. I’ll bring you a wheelchair. You’re too weak to walk.”

“Thanks…”

Elise got up and went to talk with the nurse. Zell lifted his body slowly to sit. His moves woke up Seifer.

“Ze..Zell???”

“Hi Seifer. Sorry to have worried you that much my friend…”

He went closer immediately, sitting on the bed. “You’re okay now?”

“Yes, I’m fine. Thank you to have stayed there with me.”

“As if I could have left you, silly…” he looked at him still concerned.

Zell smiled. “Can you do something for me?”

“Sure! What is it???”

“Can you give me…a hug, please?”

Seifer blushed, surprised. But he did it, with pleasure. He buried his face in Zell’s neck and rubbed gently his back with his hand. Zell closed his eyes and enjoyed this loving embrace with happiness. It felt so good to be so loved.

Elise was about to join them when she saw the touching scene. She stayed away to give them some privacy. It would be a shame to interfere now. She smiled, looking at them, but in a sadly way. After her session with Zell, she had been informed about a new fact…and she knew it would be hard to talk with Zell about this.

 

Elise accompanied Zell to his bedroom with Seifer. She had demanded to the refectory to bring a double meal tray for them but Zell wasn’t hungry at all. He just needed to sleep. They helped him to lie down on the bed and Elise left.

“Take care of him, Seifer, and call me if there’s a problem, ok?”

“Yes…”

She caressed his hair with affection and let them alone.

Seifer returned at Zell’s side and lay with him on the bed. The other blonde wasn’t asleep yet. Seifer covered him a bit more with the blanket.

“I’m fine now, Seif. Thank you.”

“You’re not fine at all! Now, shut up and sleep!” replied Seifer seriously.

“You stay with me?”

“Yes. There’s no way I would let you alone.”

“Thanks…I feel better to know that you’re with me.” Zell closed his eyes slowly.

Seifer enrolled his arms around his waist to hold me against his chest. “I would be very unhappy…if somethin’ happened to you…” he murmured.

Zell didn’t seem to have heard it because he didn’t reply. Seifer checked if was everything was okay when he understood Zell just fell asleep. He smiled relieved and closed his eyes too.

Actually, Zell perfectly heard it but he faked to be asleep. He had been so touched by his affection that he contained himself to not cry in front of Seifer. He would have made him worry again.

_“Seifer…I think Elise is right after all…I love you.”_

 

* * *

 

Four days later.

During few days, Elise asked to Ward to not come visiting Seifer. Zell needed to rest a bit and she knew seifer wouldn’t have wanted to let him alone to stay with Ward. It wasn’t because he feared his father’s presence but because he was too concerned for Zell. Ward didn’t really take it well and thought it was just another Zell’s tactic to keep away from Seifer. Whatever Elise could say to convince him, nothing worked. He was furious against Zell and was determined to end this situation.

The fifth day, Ward came just after the lunch time. He joined them in Zell’s room. He stayed the afternoon and during all this time, he didn’t have even a look or a word to Zell. The other blonde didn’t forget the hurting words Ward said to him and didn’t forgive him, but he tried to act differently for Seifer. He faked pretty well this time and the child seemed to be relieved. But he noticed this time it was Ward’s turn to be in a bad mood. He didn’t understand why and actually didn’t really care. Ward was a good friend, yes, but Zell was important than him. If Zell was alright, that was all that mattered.

On the other side, Zell started to think he couldn’t hide the truth any longer to Seifer. He had the right to know everything, so he planned to tell him everything after Ward’s departure. Maybe it would mean that he would become more attached to his father and less to him…but he had to do it anyway. He couldn’t run away indefinitely.

When Ward left, he said goodbye to his son and completely ignored Zell. He just gave him a look full of anger and hatred before leaving. The tattooed man decided to not pay attention to him and he went back to his room with Seifer.

“Ward was different today, don’t you think, Zell?”

“I didn’t notice.” Lied the other blonde. He went to sit on his bed, back against the headboard.

Seifer looked at him, concerned. “You argued with him the other day, right?”

Zell raised his head, surprised by this question. He wondered how Seifer could know about this. “No…why do you think that?”

“Because…Ward told me he wanted to talk with you. And…when you accompanied him the last time, you came back really depressed…I’m sure he said somethin’ nasty to you and he hurt you…”

Zell couldn’t help to smile. Even if he was the one who started to provoke Ward, Seifer was still by his side, defending him, without even knowing what happened between Ward and Zell. He chose Zell’s side when Elise blamed him to have provoked this quarrel.

 _“That’s true…whatever I could do, you will still like me, don’t you Seifer?”_ thought Zell happy. _“How can I not love him? He’s so cute…”_

 Zell held his hand to him. “Come closer…”

Seifer approached and took his hand. He sat on the bed, facing him. He was still holding his hand without breaking the eye-contact with him.

“There’s something important i'd like to tell you…about Ward.”

“Ah?”

“Yes…” He closed his eyes, taking a big breath. _“This is it…it’s time to tell him…”_

 

But when he was about to speak, his phone rang.

“Oh! Sorry…I have to answer.” He moved on his right and grabbed the handset phone. “Hello?”

_“Zell? Elise’s speaking. Do I bother you?”_

“Not at all, Elise. What can I do for you?”

_“Hum…I’d like to talk with you about something. Could you meet me in my office please?”_

“Now?”

_“Yes, please.”_

“Sure…I’m coming.”

_“Thanks. I’m waiting for you.”_

Zell hung up the phone, frowning. He wondered why Elise wanted to talk with him right now. Actually, she cancelled their sessions during these last five days because he needed to rest, so she didn’t have the time to speak with him.

“Zell?”

“Oh! Sorry but I have to meet Elise now. I’ve got to go.”

“Is there a problem?”

“Don’t think so…maybe she wants to check my physical condition and to know if I’m healed?”

“Can I come with you?”

“You know Elise wants to see me alone, Seifer. Wait for me in your room and I will join you right away. Okay?”

“Fine…take care.”

“Sure. Thank you.”

 

The two friends left Zell’s room. Seifer returned in his own to wait for him and Zell went to the elevator. He was feeling better so he could walk and eat normally. But he was still a bit weak. He just hoped that Elise didn’t plan to make their session right now because he wasn’t enough strong to support other emotions. He arrived ten minutes later at her office.

“Hi Zell. How are you feeling?”

“Better. Thanks.”

“Good. Have a sit please.”

He sat in front of her. “Hum…if it’s for our session, could we do it tomorrow please? I’m a bit tired to talk and…”

“It’s not for this reason I called you. I have to inform you about something important.”

“Ah?”

“Yes…” she began to speak with a hesitant ton. “You know, just after our last session about five days ago, Ward came to my office. He explained to me what happened between you two the last time…”

Zell rolled his eyes, exasperated. “I see…he came to complain about me?”

“Yes…he thinks you have a bad influence on his child and that you’re trying to keep him out of the way in his relationship with Seifer.”

“He’s paranoiac.”

“Hum…” Elise was rubbing her hands nervously.

“What?” he asked annoyed, when he recalled what she told him the last time about his possessiveness. “Yes, that’s true. You think the same way he does…”

“No, you’re wrong. I don’t think that way.”

“I don’t care. I told you I’m not in the mood to talk about this right now, so if you excuse me, I’d like to leave to have some rest…” Zell got up, ready to leave but Elise insisted.

“Zell, we’re not done. Sit down, please.”

He sighted and sat again heavily on his chair.

“I didn’t call you to talk about this either. Ward came to see me this day because he took an important decision…and I know it’s gonna be hard for you to accept it.”

“What is it?”

She took the time to choose the right words. “He…he decided to recognize officially Seifer as his son. He started the administrative procedures. So, in a few days, he’s gonna…take Seifer with him.”

The shock Zell received was similar to a ton of bricks falling on his head. He didn’t expect anything like that. Ward just knew Seifer was his son since three or four weeks, maybe a month, and he would already recognize him…and he would take him with him. So it meant that…Seifer would leave Barhein soon…that he wouldn’t be at Zell’s side anymore…

“I know how much Seifer’s presence is important and necessary for you but…if Ward recognizes his paternity, there’s nothing I can do. We have to respect his rights and to give him back his son…I hope you understand…”

Zell couldn’t hear her anymore. He just thought and thought again about what would happen after Seifer’s departure. Everything would stop and he would be alone again, all by himself, fighting his ghosts, dealing with his pain and remembering bad moments.

_“He’s gonna leave…he’s gonna forget me…and I would never hear his voice again…he will disappear and I will stop to exist for him…”_

“Zell?”

_“I’m gonna become worthless again…I’m gonna be alone. But I don’t want to! I don’t want to lose him…”_

“Zell? Are you okay?”

_“I’ve gone so far…I’m starting to get better…if he leaves me, I would fall back in my old ways…I need him. He needs me! Ward can be his father, he can’t understand him! He doesn’t know him as I do…he wouldn’t be able to take care of him as I do! No one will!”_

Elise moved closer and touched his shoulder to make him react, since he wasn’t talking. “Zell?”

_“But…in the end, everyone is right: Seifer doesn’t belong to me. I can’t keep him stuck here with me just because I like him. He has the right to be happy and to know his family. I can’t be in the way…I don’t have the right to be so selfish…”_

Zell didn’t realize it but he entered in the fourth stage of the grieving: the depression. Now, he accepted he wasn’t Seifer’s father, brother or anything else…he was just his friend. He had to move forward.

“I know it really affects you but…it doesn’t mean that you will stop seeing him. He can visit you anytime he wants and besides, he’s not gone yet.”

Zell finally heard her voice again and looked at her with an exhausted expression. She noticed sadness and pain in his eyes.

“Yes…I was about to tell him about Ward when you called. I think it’s the perfect timing for this now…”

“Zell…”

“Thanks to have informed me. I’m gonna go now. Are we done or do you have anything else to tell me?”

“No, that’s all.”

“Okay…I’ll see you tomorrow.”

She observed him leaving. He was like a zombie. He wasn’t stumbling or anything, but it was as if there was no life in him anymore.

“Zell?”

“Yes?” he turned around to face her.

“You…you should go to the refectory to eat something. They told me you didn’t eat a lot at the lunch.”

He nodded. “Ok. I’m going.” He was ready to accept anything. He didn’t fight back. He was just passive.

He waved at her and went to the refectory. On the road, he completely ignored everything and everyone around him.

_“I’m happy for him. He’s gonna live in a safe place with a loving father. I hope Matron will still visit him…Ward is enough strong to protect him. I’m sure he wouldn’t let anyone hurting Seifer…it’s great…”_

 

He arrived at the refectory without even realizing. He wasn’t hungry at all but he promised to Elise he would eat something. He searched someone there but found no one, so he went to the kitchen. The cookers and the cleaners reunited at the back of the kitchen. There was a birthday cake on the table. They were celebrating someone’s birthday. He was about to leave when he saw some gifts on the kitchen worktop. Just on the left, there was a bag with bottles of champagne and other liquors. He stayed immobile like frozen, looking at the bottles with envy.

 _“I won’t do that…I don’t need this. I’m not an alcoholic…”_ he turned around to see what they were doing but they still didn’t see him. He looked at the bottles again. _“But…I want to stop suffering…it hurts…it hurts too much. I wanna end this painful feeling…I want to forget everything…”_

 

Without hesiting any longer, he took the bag with the bottles and left immediately. Nobody saw him. Fortunately for him, the refectory wasn’t far away from the elevator, so he reached it quickly. When he arrived at the second floor, he entered immediately in his room and closed the door behind him. He didn’t waste any time and opened a first bottle and drank it in a gulp. He finished the first one and wiped his mouth before opening a second one and did the same thing. The alcohol went straight to his brain, which appeased him; but he needed more. He was still able to think and understand where he was, so he opened a third bottle and continued to drink. He started to feel dizzy after few minutes. He opened a fourth bottle and was about to drink it when he heard a voice.

“Zell?”

He didn’t hear Seifer entering. He lifted his head just enough to see him. “Hey! Seif…wanna cheer up with me?” he said visibly drunk.

“Wh..what are you drinking?”

“Dunno..ch..champagne I think. It’s..good..want some?” he proposed it to the other blonde.

Seifer understood Zell wasn’t in his normal state and it was because of what he was drinking. “This…is the same thing mommy used to drink…why..are you doing this, Zell?”

“Why?? You ask me? But because you’re gonna leave soon…I celebrate your departure! Aren’t you happy to leave Seifer??”

“What are you talkin’ about??”

“Ah? Elise didn’t tell you? You’re gonna leave with Ward! Soon! Very soon! It’s wonderful!! Let’s celebrate…” Zell was rambling, completely drunk. He was laughing in an idiot way and couldn’t even stay on his feet. He fell on the ground heavily on his knees.

“Whooo…the floor is moving…”

Seifer was squeezing his fists to contain his anger. Zell was acting like his mother…and he wouldn’t accept it without doing everything he could to help him. He grabbed the bottle in Zell’s hand and emptied it on the floor.

“Hey! Whatcha..doin’..??” protested Zell struggling.

“Stop drinkin’, Zell!”

He threw the empty bottle at his feet. Zell took it and checked the inside.

“Ah…soo bad…but fortunately I have…other ones…” He moved closer to the bag with the other bottles but Seifer grabbed it before him.

“Hey! Stop it! Gimmie back…”

“No way!!” Replied Seifer angrily, before throwing the bottles, one after another against the wall to break it.

“HEY!!!  STOP IT!! BLOODY IDIOT!!” screamed Zell, trying to stop him but he hadn’t been enough fast to save any bottle. He went to the wall checking if there was still something he could save but everything was broken. All the alcohol was wasted…

Seifer was breathing rapidly, still in the action. He moved closer to Zell to comfort him. “I’m sorry Zell, but it’s not good for you…”

Zell stayed on his back, still on his knees. “You..broke it…”

“But it was to help you! It’s gonna hurt you…” he put his hand on Zell’s shoulder who pushed him away.

“You…bastard…” whispered Zell dangerously.

Seifer moved away slowly, feeling that something changed in Zell’s attitude. “Z..Zell?”

But he didn’t have the time to say anything else that the tattooed man jumped on him and slammed his head against the floor.

“YOU’RE GONNA PAY FOR THAT! FUCKING BASTARD!!” yelled Zell furious. He raised his fist above his head and started to hit Seifer’s face repetitively.

The other man had been caught by the surprise and couldn’t block Zell’s blows. He could judge by himself that Zell was right when he said to him that a good blow could hurt pretty well because he hit with strength.

“Z..Zell! it hurts! Stop it!” begged Seifer who was bleeding from the nose and the mouth.

But the other blonde couldn’t hear him. He was enraged and nothing could stop his fury. He was out of control.

“DIE! DIE!!” he never stopped to hit him. Seifer refused to hit him back because he didn’t want to hurt him, so he tried to protect himself with his arms.

“Zell!! Stop…”

The martial artist had enough to hit him so he stopped. He gripped his throat with his hand and began to strangle him. Seifer blinked and started to suffocate. It went him back when he was living at Timber.

 

 

_“Mommy…please…”_

_“SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!!!” the woman was beating the little child with her hands which were already covered by Seifer’s blood._

_“Mommy…”_

_“Why? Why do you need to exist? Why did you need to live?? I never wanted you!!” she continued to slam his cheeks with violence._

_“I’m sorry…mommy…”_

_“I lost him! I lost him because of you!!” She pushed him with strength and the boy fell on his back. She used her legs to hit him on the stomach._

_“Why? Tell me why, Seifer!! Why do I have to take care of you after all what you did to me??”_

_The child coughed, exhausted by the pain. He was spilling blood and was holding his stomach with his small hands._

_“I loved him and he loved me! We could have been so happy if only you weren’t born! Why did you take him away from me? He left me because of you!!”_

_“S..sorry..mo..mmy…”_

_“He loved me!! He loved me so much…and you destroyed everything! I hate you! I hate you!!” she hit him again and again when she had enough and stayed on the top of him. She gripped his throat and strangled him. “I HATE YOU!!”_

 

 

“I HATE YOU!!”

Seifer went back to the present and saw Zell strangling him the same way his mother did in the past. He knew if he wouldn’t fight back, Zell would kill him. He kicked him on the stomach with his knee and pushed Zell away with strength.

Seifer moved away, rubbing his throat, afraid. Zell was trying to recover his mind but Seifer’s blow dizzied him.

“I knew it…ah…I knew…ah..you were just like her..just like them…” whispered Seifer breathing with difficulties.

Zell sat and managed to face him. He seemed to recover his senses slowly. “Wh..what have i done?..Seif..”

“You lied to me…you said..you said you liked me…but you’re just a liar!!” Screamed Seifer, crying. “I believed in you! I believed in you, Zell!!”

“Oh no…Seifer I’m sorry…I didn’t..i didn’t want to hurt you…” said Zell, approaching, stumbling.

“Get away from me!!”

“Seif..please…”

“Don’t touch me!!” he pushed Zell away who fell on the floor. “I don’t want to see you again! Never again!!!” then, he left Zell’s room, running. He slammed the door behind him.

Zell tried to come back on his feet but it was impossible, so he crawled toward the door. “Seifer! Seifer! Please…” But he was already far away.

When Zell understood what he did, he was ashamed. He hated and cursed himself to have been so monstrous.

“Hyne…what I have done? What have I done…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is for you, my beloved moony! I hope you would like it. I know i promised you there would be no violence or something terrible in this fiction but...can't help. This is the first and only time, promised. Better times in the next chapter. Love you!


	4. Chapter 4

“What..i..have done? It can’t..be..no..no..” repeated Zell and again and again. “It’s..just a nightmare…a night..mare.. I’m..gonna..wake up..”

He returned with difficulties to his bed. He looked around him. The room was in a mess: broken glass everywhere, some blood on the floor, the strong scent of alcohol…

“Me..medicines..i’ll t..ake it..” Zell fell on his knees and grabbed the medication Elise gave him, thinking it could help him to relax. “n..eed..to calm..gonna be..fine..” He opened the little package with his right hand and put several pills on the bed before grabbing it and going to the bathroom.

“w..wat..er…” On his way, he almost fell two times, stumbling, but managed to stay on his feet. He turned the valve, put the pills in his mouth and drank some water to swallow it. When he finished, he sat heavily on the floor, back against the wall. “..gonna feel better..soon…”

At this time, Zell didn’t understand what he was doing. Completely drunk and still under the shock of what he did to Seifer and his future departure, he needed to relax. There was no death wish in his thoughts at this moment, but just the desire to stop thinking and to relax. He thought the pills could help him…but he didn’t realize that mixed with the alcohol he already drank and with his fragile condition (he was still suffering from a stomach ulcer), it would get worse. He began to feel the effects of this dangerous mix when his head became heavy, his vision blurry…he also felt a violent pain in different parts of his body: his stomach, his chest and his head. His whole body was screaming in agony and after few minutes, he started to convulse before fainting. His body fell on the floor like a stone. He was face to the cold ground, eyes crying and mouth open. Some saliva mixed with a white pounder was pouring out of it.

He was totally cut from the world around him. He couldn’t hear any sound, or see anything around him. Zell was unconscious, dying slowly…

 

 

Two guards went on the corridor at the second floor. Some neighbors of Zell and Seifer called the security when they heard shouts and noises. They knocked at Seifer’s door but no one answered. They tried to enter but it was locked from the inside, so they tried Zell’s one and noticed the door was unlocked.

“Mister Dincht?” called one of the guards, walking toward the bed.

They suddenly saw the mess in the room and looked each other, understanding something happened.

“He probably had a fight with Seifer…” guessed the other guard.

“It looked serious…” the other one approached to the wall and noticed the broken glass and the empty bottles. “Where did they get that??”

 “I don’t know…we should call Doctor Garnet.”

“Yes but where did they go?”

“We didn’t check the bathroom.”

They went there without wasting more time. “Mister Dincht? Seifer? Are you there?”

 They finally saw Zell, lying on the floor. They ran toward him.

“Oh shit! What happened?”

They checked his pulse and his breath. “Mister Dincht? Mister Dincht? Do you hear me? If you can, squeeze my hand…”

“His pulse is weak and he isn’t breathing…”

“Call the emergencies! Use the loud speaker! Hurry!”

“Yes!”

The man got up and ran to the interphone. **_“The emergency medical team and Doctor Garnet are requested immediately in the room 258. I repeat: the emergency medical team and Doctor Garnet are requested immediately in the room 258.”_**

When he finished his announcement, the man came back to the bathroom with his colleague.

“He doesn’t react at all!”

“His pulse?”

“Still weak but active.”

“The emergencies wouldn’t be long…”

“But he isn’t breathing…what should we do???”

The other man shook Zell’s body. “Zell! Zell! Wake up! You have to wake up! Come on!!”

But nothing worked.

“What can we do? We can’t do mouth to mouth since we don’t know what he took…”

“Chest compression. Open his shirt!”

The man practically ripped Zell’s shirt to expose his chest and put his hands on his heart. “Ok! I’m doing it. Check his breath.”

“Got it!”

During ten long minutes, the two guards tried to reanimate Zell, in vain. They could still feel his pulse but he became weaker and weaker at each second. The medical team and Doctor Garnet finally arrived.

“Okay guys! We’ll take it from here!” said one of the first-responders. The two guards nodded and gave them their place. They joined Doctor Garnet in the room.

“What happened?” asked Elise.

“Two persons called the reception to complain about shouts and noises at Mister Dincht’s room, so we came to look for it. We found him in the bathroom unconscious. Judging with the bottles and the broken glass, he drank alcohol and had a fight with someone…we also think he took some pills…”

Elise was concerned and stunned. “How could he manage to get alcohol???”

“We don’t know, Doctor…”

“Where is Seifer?”

“We didn’t find him here when we arrived. His room is locked.”

She looked around her and saw the pills she gave to Zell this morning. She noticed several ones were missing so it meant that he took practically the whole bottle. She joined the rescuers in the bathroom.

“How is he?”

“He stopped breathing.”

“There’s no pulse anymore!” said another rescuer.

“Grab the defibrillator!” ordered the chief.

Two women took the appliance and put it on Zell’s chest. They made a sign to their chief to give him the signal that everything was ready.

“Everyone back!” He pressed his hands on the defibrillator and counted. “1-2-3!” With the electro-stimulation, Zell’s chest raised up before falling down. “Again!”

They did it a second time. During this time, Elise was fixing the screen to check the life signal but there was still nothing.

“Again!”

At the third try, it worked. The screen let appear a life presence with a beep. Everyone sighted with relief, especially Elise. She went to the chief’s side.

“I think he mixed medication with alcohol…”

“Okay, we’re gonna move him to the emergencies. It’s not over yet.”

“Yes. I’m coming with you.”

“Alright, guys: lie him down on the gurney and put the breathing mask.”

“Yes Sir!”

Fifteen minutes later, the medical team left Zell’s room and brought him to the emergencies. Several people were on the corridor, wondering what was going on. Elise followed the group but stopped at the elevator to give her instructions to the guards.

“Send someone to clean his bedroom and check the cameras. I want to know how he got these bottles.”

“What about Seifer?” demanded one of the guards

“Check his position with his wristband. If he’s still in his bedroom, leave him alone. I’m gonna take care of this later.”

“Yes Doctor Garnet.” Nodded the two men.

“And try to reassure people. No need to provoke any movements of panic or something.”

“Yes.”

Then, she went inside of the elevator with the medical team. She looked at Zell, touching his forehead.

“Hold on, Zell…hold on.” She said sadly.

 

* * *

 

Ward was talking on the phone. Since the morning, he didn’t leave his room and called several persons. Actually, he was trying to have information about the administrative procedures to recognize Seifer officially but the situation was a bit complicated and nobody seemed to be enough competent to tell him what he needed to do.

Kiros joined Laguna in his office. He knew what Ward was trying to do and wasn’t at ease at all to this idea.

“He’s going too fast with Seifer. We should talk to him.”

“Kiros, I agree with you but you already tried to convince him the last time, remember? Even if it’s Seifer, he is his son. It’s understandable…”

“Laguna, you don’t get it: Ward wants to recognize officially Seifer.”

“WHAT???”

“Yes…I heard him talking at the phone this morning. The procedures seem to be long and complicated so he’s trying to get information before going to Timber…”

“He can’t be serious?! He just knows him since few days and…”

“I know, but he doesn’t listen to me. I warned him but…” Kiros sighted. “I’m really concerned for him. This is not a good idea…”

“You don’t have to tell me that, I know you’re right.” Laguna scratched the back of his head. “So? What are we doing now?”

“We must talk with him. Ask him to join us in your office.”

“Yes.” Laguna went to his desk and composed Ward’s number. He requested his presence and hung up when he finished his conversation. “He’s coming.”

Kiros nodded and went to the window to admire the view. He knew it would be hard to convince Ward.

 

After some minutes, Ward joined them. “Laguna? Something is wrong?”

“Ward! Come in, buddy!”

The tall man entered and closed the door behind him. Kiros moved away from the window and faced him. Ward frowned, wondering what was going on.

“So?” he asked impatiently. “I’m a bit busy, guys, so if we could end this quickly, it would be great please…”

“Is that true?” demanded Laguna straightly.

“What are you talking about?”

“Is that true that you planned to recognize Seifer?”

Ward understood instantly the sense of this sudden meeting. “Yes. And what?”

Laguna and Kiros looked each other, uncomfortable. “Well, you know…Kiros and I are really happy to see you so enthusiast about this…”

“But?” asked Ward crossing his arms.

“But…maybe you’re going too fast with him. I mean, I know he can be adorable right now because he’s a kid inside…but you must keep in mind that your son is Seifer Almasy.”

“He shouldn’t wear this name. He’s not relative to this bastard.”

“Sure...” Laguna gave an insisting look to Kiros, requesting his help.

“What Laguna is trying to say is that recognizing Seifer as your child is a bad idea.” said Kiros.

“Why? Because he was the sorceress’s knight?” He fixed Laguna angrily. “Or maybe because you want to take your revenge against him?”

“What? I don’t get it! What do you mean?” demanded Laguna.

“You hate him, Laguna. He hurt Squall and he fought him during the war. You want to make him pay for what he did to him, right?”

“Ward…”

“Can’t you understand he was possessed? I’m sure he never wanted to torture him.”

“Seifer was already a problem before the war. Everyone could tell you.” Exclaimed Kiros.

“How can you expect a neutral opinion after what happened? Of course people would say he was a bastard now they know him as the knight!”

“Ward, you’re talking with your heart. You’re so attached to this kid that you even can’t think objectively. Just read his file at the Garden. He never has been an angel.”

“Do you think your precious son is that perfect, Laguna?”

“Leave Squall out of that. We’re talking about Seifer.”

“This is related to Squall. You try to convince me to give up on my son because he hurt yours. You want your revenge. You’re the one here who is thinking with his heart!”

“Squall didn’t try to destroy the world becoming the sorceress’s lapdog and betraying his own friends! Seifer is a murderer, a traitor and a war criminal! You can’t deny it!”

“Why do you think he became like this? After all what he endured in his short life, what did you expect he became??” asked Ward furious.

“He’s not the only one who suffered. Squall either! But he didn’t become like that!”

“Of course! Squall is a hero! The perfect little soldier…who never gave a shit about anyone before this fucking war! If only I had been there for Seifer, he would have been at Squall’s place now!”

“Squall got abandoned too but he didn’t turn that badly, becoming a psycho!”

“But contrary to you, I didn’t CHOOSE to abandon my son!!”

Laguna moved back, surprised and extremely hurt by these words. He sat again on his chair, looking down, ashamed. Kiros turned around to face Ward, upset.

“That was a low card, Ward.”

Ward stared at him and Laguna. He knew he hurt his friend because Laguna never had wanted to leave Squall at the orphanage. But after Raine’s death, he just couldn’t. Esthar needed him…and each time he was seeing his son, it reminded him that he was the cause of his mother’s death, and that he hadn’t been there for her.

“What about you? During all these years, I followed you. I never judged you and we fought together to protect this world. Are you thinking about what you ask me? Until now, I was alone. You two have your families…but I had nothing. Each time I went back to my home, there was nobody to welcome me.” He made a pause, fixing his attention on Laguna. “You have a second chance with your son. One day, you will become a grandfather…” Then, he looked at Kiros. “Sonia is there for you…but the fact I kept my mouth closed during all this time didn’t mean that I didn’t feel lonely.” He laughed bitterly. “I often saw my personal life as a failure since Ana dumped me…but I have another chance now. There’s a boy who is waiting for me, who needs me. My boy…and even if this entire world hates him, he’s still my son. If I have to be the only one to give him some love and affection, I will. There’s no way I would give up on him. I hoped you could have understood…I was wrong.”

“Ward…”

But the other man had enough and left the place without adding another word. He slammed the door behind him.

“It was expected.” Commented Kiros.

“Yes…this is decision. We can’t help it.”

The phone rang suddenly. Laguna took the call. “Hello?”

_“President Loire? Doctor Garnet form Barhein center on the line two.”_

“Give me that call, please.”

_“Yes, Sir.”_

He waited for her answer, tapping his fingers on his desk. He gave a glance to Kiros. “Doctor Garnet.”

“Ah? Why do you think she wants to talk to you?”

“I don’t know…”

Elise finally answered. _“President Loire? I’m sorry to disturb you but I’ve something important to tell you.”_

“Doctor Garnet? What’s wrong?”

_“Hum…something happened with Zell. The situation is serious…”_

 

* * *

 

Zell was still on the emergencies service. His condition was fragile and he was on life support. Elise was particularly worried and feared the worst. She informed Laguna but didn’t call Zell’s mother. Laguna had given her the advice to wait.

Elise was on her office, reading the last health reports about Zell’s condition when her guards knocked at her door and came in.

“So?” she demanded without wasting any time.

“We checked Zell’s itinerary since he left your office this morning. He went to the refectory and went back to his bedroom.”

“And?”

“We talked with the kitchen staff but they didn’t see Zell. They were celebrating a birthday…” the guard seemed to be uncomfortable.

“And?” insisted Elise exasperated.

“And…it seems that…they bought champagne and other liquors to celebrate this event…and that these bottles disappeared…”

She got up, slamming her fists with strength on her desk. “Are you saying that…Zell is between life and death because the kitchen staff was celebrating a birthday and brought alcohol when our internal rules forbid it???”

“They couldn’t know…”

“We are supposed to cure people’s addiction, especially drinking problem! Do you think exposing people to this temptation is a good way to cure them?? Why do you think I forbade it even for the staff??”

Elise was so furious that her voice resounded in the whole room. Sometimes she got mad in the past but never at this point. She found her cool again but staying on her feet.

“I’ll take care of this later. Where is Seifer?”

“Apparently, he’s still in his room. We knocked but he didn’t answer.”

“I’m going to see him. You’re dismissed.”

“But we should accompany you, Doctor…”

“I don’t need your presence. I can deal this alone.”

“Yes, Madam.”

 

She left still mad at her staff. She felt responsible of Zell’s state and she would never forgive her if he wouldn’t survive. She prayed that Zell would be strong enough to stay alive.

She arrived in front of Seifer’s door. She knocked several times but nobody answered. She used her pass to enter. She penetrated in his room, slowly and carefully.

“Seifer? It’s me, Elise.” She called. But there was no one on the room. She heard the sound of the water on the bathroom, so she pushed the door. She found him there, on the shower completely dressed, curled on a ball and back against the wall. He was under the water, wet and shaking. Elise approached and stopped the water.

“How long have you stayed there? The water is cold.”

But Seifer didn’t answer. Elise grabbed a towel and tried to warm him up. She noticed some cuts on his lips and nose. He was also covered by bruises on the cheeks and had strangulation marks on the neck. His eyes were red. She understood Seifer had cried a lot and was still shocked.

“Is that Zell who did this to you?”

He stayed silent.

“Seifer, I need to know what happened. Tell me.”

No reply. The boy was still trembling. She didn’t insist and dragged him out of the shower. He followed her without complaining. She looked for some clothes and grabbed it before holding it to him.

“Get change or you’re gonna catch a cold.”

Seifer took the clothes and started to strip. Elise turned her back to give him some intimacy and to not embarrass him. When she didn’t hear any other noise, she guessed he finished. He sat on his bed, keeping his eyes down. She approached and sat by his side.

“We found a mess in Zell’s room. People told us they heard noise and shouts. Please, tell me.”

No answer.

Elise understood that Seifer wouldn’t talk to protect Zell but also because he was still in shock. She never had seen him this way before, even when he had been assault by strangers. She decided to be honest with him. She couldn’t hide him the truth any longer.

“Seifer…Zell is in a bad condition. We’re not even sure he would survive…”

“What???” blinked Seifer.

“Yes…he drank alcohol and took medication. He made a heart attack…”

“No…no…he..he’s not gonna die, right?? He won’t die, right?? You, you’re gonna save him???” he asked with despair.

“Doctors are trying their best right now. It’s too early to say it…”

“But…but…when I left, he was fine…crazy but…alive…”

“What do you mean by “crazy”?

He squeezed his fists tighter, keeping silent.

“You mean…drunk?”

He nodded. “I…made him mad. It’s my fault if he became crazy…”

“What happened?”

Seifer lifted his head to face her. “He..he said I would leave this place…that Ward would bring me with him…that I should be happy…”

“Did he tell you another thing about Ward?”

“No…he just said that we should celebrate my departure…and when I saw he was strange, I understood it was because of he was drinkin’…he was actin’ like mommy used to do…”

“What did you do?”

“I…stole his bottles and broke it, throwin’ it against the wall…and after that, he got furious…”

“So…he beat you, right?”

He nodded again. “I pushed him away…and I left…he tried to apologize but…I was scared! I didn’t want to make him mad…I just wanted to stop him…but…but…” Seifer began to cry. Elise comforted him, caressing his hair.

“You did the right thing, Seifer.”

“Elise…I don’t wanna Zell dies…please, save him!”

“That’s what we’re doing, Seifer.”

“Can..can I see him?”

“He’s still at the emergencies service, so maybe later? Come with me. I need to treat your wounds.” She took his hand and they left his room. Seifer was crying harder, thinking about his friend. They went on the elevator.

“Seifer, don’t cry…” she said wiping his tears.

“Elise…it’s my fault. If Zell dies, i…i…”

“You must keep faith until the end. Be strong.”

He rubbed his eyes, drying his tears. “I’ll pray for him. If I pray strongly, Hyne will hear me and he will save Zell…”

She smiled affectionately. His kindness was so big that he even forgave Zell and prayed for him. It was a beautiful proof of friendship…and love.

“You’re a good boy.”

 

 

They arrived at the infirmary. Elise cured Seifer’s wounds with some elixirs and potions. It wasn’t serious but judging on the bruises he had on the face and on his chest, she guessed Zell didn’t go easy on him.

“Elise?”

“Yes?”

“Why…why did he say that?”

“Who are you talking about?”

“Zell. What did he say that I would leave with Ward?”

She finished treating his injuries. Zell was supposed to tell him the truth but in his state it was obvious that he couldn’t. Maybe he wouldn’t…

Besides, when she called the palace, to inform Ward to not visit Seifer today, they said he was already on the road and left earlier. Now, she had to deal with it and it couldn’t wait anymore.

“Seifer, there’s something important you have to know…about Ward.”

“What is it?”

She took his hands with her and fixed him in the eyes. “If Ward comes to visit you every day…it’s because he’s…a relative of you.”

“A…relative?”

“Yes. He’s a member of your family. Actually, he discovered it recently. He didn’t know it before…so that’s why he didn’t recognize you the first time you met him with Laguna, Kiros and Matron.”

 “He’s..my family?”

“He knew your mother.”

“So..he’s my uncle?” Asked Seifer innocently. “Why didn’t he tell it to me??”

“Seifer…Ward isn’t your uncle…but your father.”

The boy froze, eyes wide open. He never had seen his father even on a picture. He imagined him so many times…but now, he was there.

“You..you’re wrong. Dad…Dad hates me. Mommy told me he hated me. But Ward…is nice. He likes me…”

“Your mother talked about the man she married. You have his name…but he’s not your father. Your real dad is Ward.”

“So…Dad doesn’t hate me???”

“No, Seifer. Your father really loves you. That’s why he comes every day to see you.”

“But…but why didn’t he come to look for me before?? Even when I was at the orphanage, he didn’t come. Why?”

“Because your mother lied to him. She didn’t say him you were his son. He couldn’t know…and as I told you, he discovered it about few days ago.”

“So…he’s not Zell’s friend?”

“Yes he is. They met before you arrived here, and when he saw you and Zell were close, he thought Zell was the best person to tell it to you…”

Seifer looked at his feet, sadly. “So…Zell was right. Ward is gonna take me away…”

“It hasn’t been decided yet…”

“And…because of that, Zell became crazy…”

“What?” frowned Elise.

“Zell…he was sad. He drank because he was scared to be divided from me. He told me this…and he was mad at Ward all the time.”

“It’s not Ward’s fault, Seifer…”

“Yes it is!! I don’t care! I won’t leave with him!!” replied Seifer angrily.

“Didn’t you say you wanted to leave this place? Ward loves you. He really cares about you…”

“It’s his fault if Zell is like that…and Zell is more important than him.”

“But he’s your father…”

“I don’t care. I don’t want to love him after what he did to Zell.”

“Zell did this to himself, Seifer.”

“Don’t care…”

Then, Seifer got up and left the infirmary to reach the emergencies service. He stayed on the waiting room when a nurse forbade him to see Zell. Elise accompanied him but didn’t insist.

 

* * *

 

Ward arrived as the other days at Barhein center. But he had been surprised when they told him he couldn’t wait for Seifer in his room as usual. They brought him to Doctor Garnet who was still at the emergencies service, talking with doctors about Zell’s condition.

A guard came to see her. “Doctor Garnet? Mister Zabac is here.”

“I see.” She bowed at the other doctor and followed the guard to join Ward who was waiting outside of the service. “Ward.”

“Elise. What’s wrong? Is there a problem with Seifer? Your guard told me I couldn’t wait for him in his room.”

“Yes…actually there’s a problem. I called the presidential place to inform you but President Loire told me you already left when I called.”

“What’s wrong?” asked Ward worried.

She mentioned a bench on his left and they sat. “Zell is on life support. He mixed alcohol and medication and made a heart attack.”

“Oh God…”

“I informed Zell this morning about your desire to take Seifer with you and…it affected him as I thought. I suggested him to go to the refectory to eat something and when he went there, the kitchen staff was celebrating a birthday and bought alcohol for this special day. Zell found the bottles and stole it…”

“It’s…terrible! Did you call his mother?”

“Not yet. President Loire suggested me to wait a bit. But they’re gonna inform Miss Kramer. They’re probably on the road right now…”

“Zell…” Ward shook his head sorrowfully. “How did Seifer react?”

“Hum…Ward, you have to know something: Seifer…saw Zell drunk and…he tried to stop him. He stole his bottles and broke it to stop him drinking…”

“What???”

“Yes. It recalled him the time when he was living with his mother and he didn’t want to see Zell destroying himself as his mother did…but things turned badly…”

“What happened? Is he safe??”

“He’s safe now. To tell you the truth, Zell didn’t react very well when Seifer broke his bottles and…he beat him…”

“He…what? You mean, Zell attacked my son???”

“That’s what he did. Seifer managed to push him and ran away. Zell made his heart attack after his departure.”

Ward got up, enraged and worried on the same time. He didn’t know how to react. He was mad at Zell to have hurt his son, but on the other side, he couldn’t be like that knowing that he was between life and death. He finally faced Elise.

“I want to see my son. Where is he?”

“On the waiting room, at the emergencies service. He’s waiting for Zell.”

“Bring me to him.”

“Hum…” Elise wasn’t at ease. “I think you shouldn’t…”

“Why?”

“I…I told him everything. He knows you are his father.”

“Wh..what? You told him?”

“Yes. Zell was too drunk to know what he was saying and he revealed to Seifer he was about to leave with you. But he didn’t have the time to explain who you were. Seifer asked me if it was true so…I didn’t have any other choice. He had to know.”

Ward sat again heavily. “How..did he react?”

“To be honest…pretty bad. He thinks it’s your fault if Zell drank. He said you and Zell didn’t seem to get along lately and he thinks it’s because you planned to take him away from Zell that everything happened. He didn’t react badly knowing that you are his father…but with Zell’s condition, he’s too fragile emotionally right now. So I suggest you to wait.”

“But…”

“Please Ward. Give him more time.”

Ward stopped protesting and accepted. “Alright…but can I at least see him?”

“He’s in the waiting room. You can stay behind the mirror. He won’t see you this way.”

He nodded and followed her. When they arrived, Seifer was on his back, sitting on a chair, with his hands crossed. He had his eyes closed and seemed to whisper something.

“He’s praying for Zell.” Said Elise.

“Hum…” Ward looked at him sadly and worried. Since he was from the side, he could see the bruises on his face. “How can he be so kind with him after he beat him this way?”

“Because he knows Zell wasn’t in his normal state. Don’t be so rude with him, Ward. I’m sure Zell really regrets it.”

“The only thing I’m seeing right now is that he hurt my son and he’s an obstacle between Seifer and me.”

“I understand…”

They kept their eyes on the little Seifer during a long time before leaving the place. Ward agreed to stay away from his son until Zell’s condition improved.

 

* * *

 

Two weeks later.

Zell stayed on life support during several days but he seemed to get better. Seifer never left his side during all this time. Laguna and Kiros had called Edea to inform her about this event and she came to visit him. They thought it would be better to wait to inform everyone, especially Zell’s mother. But after two weeks, Elise decided to tell her. Elise also took severe sanctions on her staff. Because of their negligence, Zell was between life and death. She imposed to the kitchen staff an unpaid leave for one week and gave them a reprimand. People were extremely sorry for what happened to Zell and didn’t protest. They knew they deserved it.

During this time, Ward also came to see Seifer discreetly. He wanted so many times to run toward him and to comfort him. But he knew it wasn’t the right time for this. Maybe Seifer would listen to him better when Zell would be alright?

 

One afternoon, Zell’s mother and Edea came to Barhein. They were welcomed by Elise.

“Miss Dincht, Miss Kramer.”

“Doctor Garnet, how is he?” asked immediately Miss Dincht.

“He’s getting better slowly. I’m optimistic.”

“But…he’s still on life support, right?”

“Regrettably…yes.”

“It’s almost two weeks now…” cried the poor mother.

“I know Miss Dincht. I’m deeply sorry for this. It shouldn’t have happened. Be sure that I took my responsibilities and this event will never happen again.”

“President Loire explained me the way he got this alcohol. I know it wasn’t your fault.”

“Thank you for understanding, but it’s my fault. Your son was under my responsibility…and I failed. I’m really sorry, Miss.”

Zell’s mother approached and put her hand on Elise’s shoulder. “You already helped him a lot. This therapy with you is effective and…he confessed me so many things that I even didn’t suspect. I’m really thankful to you, Doctor.”

“Thank you, Miss. But…I’m not the only one who helped your son.”

“Ah?”

“Yes…follow me, please.” Elise walked toward the emergencies service with Edea and Miss Dincht. They arrived in front of the mirror. Ward was already there, fixing his son far away.

“Ward? This is Miss Dincht. I don’t know if you ever met?” said Elise making the presentations.

“No…pleased to meet you, Miss Dincht. I’m Ward Zabac.” He held her his hand and waved at Edea behind her. “Edea.”

“Good afternoon Ward. “ replied Edea.

“Nice to meet you, Mister Zabac. I’m Margaret Dincht.” She smiled at him. “Zell talked to me about you, Kiros and Laguna.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yes. He told me you were Laguna’s friend. It’s nice of you to be there for Zell…”

“I owe this to Zell, Miss Dincht. He helped me a lot.”

“Call me Maggie, please.”

“Fine…Maggie. You can call me Ward, then.”

“Sure. So? How did he help you?”

Ward turned around and mentioned Seifer who was still on his back. “It’s thanks to him I discovered I had a son…”

Maggie recognized immediately Seifer and blinked. “Is…is it the sorceress’s knight??? But what is he doing here???”

“I think I owe you some explanations, Miss Dincht, but I would ask you to keep this information confidential. No one except Miss Kramer and President Loire is aware of Seifer’s presence here.” Said Elise. She began to explain everything about Seifer’s state, his encounter with Zell and the way he helped him. She also told her what happened about two weeks ago between the two friends.

“Since this day, Seifer didn’t leave Zell’s side and he’s praying for him every day…” concluded Elise.

Zell’s mother couldn’t believe it. “He…he really did that for Zell?”

“Yes. See by yourself: he’s there since the morning. He usually stays all the day and leaves just to have his meals or to sleep.”

She touched the mirror with her hand. “He’s so adorable…could I speak with him please?”

“Now?” demanded Elise.

“Yes please. I want…I want to thank him.”

Ward smiled at her, thankful and turned around to face Elise. “Please, I wanna see him too.”

After a short time of hesitation, Elise finally agreed. “Okay, but don’t insist if he doesn’t want to talk with you, alright?”

“Sure.”

Miss Dincht faced Ward with a big smile. “You have a good son, Ward.”

“Thanks…Maggie.” Blushed Ward.

Edea looked at them tenderly. In this tragic circumstance, there were still some moments of happiness and to see these two parents sharing worries and love for their sons was comforting.

 

They went to join Seifer. The first person he saw was Edea.

“Matron…”

“My darling…” she hugged him in her arms with affection, kissing his forehead. “You look tired…”

“I can’t sleep…need to keep prayin”…”

“Oh darling…you’re so kind. I’m sure Hyne heard your prayers.”

“But…Zell is still…”

“I know, Seifer. I know. We all pray for him. Don’t lose faith.”

“Yes…”

Miss Dincht approached. “Seifer?”

“??”

“I’m Zell’s mother. My name is Maggie. Nice to meet you.”

“Hi…ma’m.” replied Seifer shyly.

She caressed his cheek gently. “Thank you to take care of Zell. He really likes you and…I’m sure he regrets what he did to you the last time. Don’t be mad at him, please.”

“I’m not…just wanna see him wakin’ up…”

“Thank you. You’re a good boy.”

Seifer smiled at her, still a bit shy, when he noticed Ward behind Miss Dincht. The tall man moved closer, looking at him.

“Seifer?”

“Hi…Ward.”

The other man was a bit disappointed to hear his first name. He hoped now Seifer knew he was his father that he could call him “Dad”, but it was probably too soon.

“Are you still mad at me?”

“Dunno…maybe a little…” admitted Seifer. “Mommy told me…you hated me…”

“No, Seifer. I never hated you. I even didn’t know you were my son.”

“Yes. Elise told me…”

He approached more. “If only, I had known before, I would have come sooner to pick you up. You even wouldn’t have come here at the first place…I’m so sorry. Believe me, I didn’t know…”

“I believe in you…”

“Really??” demanded Ward with hope.

“Yes…but…”

“But?”

“I can’t… I can’t leave with you. I wanna stay for Zell.”

Maggie almost cried again when she heard his words. At the beginning, she didn’t believe what they said, but now, she could see by herself. Seifer really cared about Zell.

“I understand. I don’t ask you to leave immediately. I’ll be waiting for you…but can I at least come to visit you again?”

“You…you’re not angry against me?”

“Why should I be angry?” demanded Ward.

“Because…I don’t wanna leave with you…” he lifted his head and grabbed Ward’s hand. “It’s not because I don’t like you, I promise! I’m happy…I’m happy that you’re my daddy…because you’re nice and all…but Zell…”

Ward hugged his son in his arms, caressing the back of his head affectingly. “How could I be angry? On the contrary: I’m proud of you, Seifer.”

“P..proud?”

“Yes. I know how much you hate this place but you want to stay just to support your friend. It’s really nice of you, so I can’t be mad at you. I’m proud to be your dad and I really love you.”

Seifer felt the tears coming to his eyes. Usually, he acted proudly and refused to cry in front of people…but hearing that from his father meant a lot to him. He understood his mother lied to him and his father never actually hated him. He felt relieved…

“L..love you too..daddy…” murmured Seifer, burying his face on Ward’s chest.

Ward had to bit his bottom lip to contain his happiness to hear these words for the first time from his son. The emotion was too big and he cracked.  He hugged his boy tighter and cried on his shoulder. There was no way that somebody would take him away from him now they finally became a real family.

The three women looked at them, keeping silent and sharing their happiness.

 

* * *

 

Few days later.

Miss Dincht stayed at Esthar at the Presidential Palace. She planned to stay as long as it would be necessary, until her son woke up.  Ward came to visit Seifer every day as usual. They started to know each other better, but Zell’s situation didn’t help. They couldn’t appreciate their meeting knowing that Zell was still unconscious. Miss Dincht stayed with them and began to like the little boy who Seifer was. She remembered what Zell used to say about him when they were at the Garden. He used to complain all the time about the sanctions Seifer imposed to him for nothing like running on the corridor, being too loud…but seeing this little boy behind this tall man, she changed her opinion about him. She also got close to Ward, sharing with him her parent’s experience giving him some advices. Edea left unfortunately the next day after Maggie and Ward met. She couldn’t stay at Esthar any longer or Cid would have suspected something. He was already thinking that Edea didn’t tell him the truth, but he had no proofs and tried to not argue with her again.

 

One morning.

The sound of the birds singing was pleasant. But when he finally opened his eyes, the light blinded Zell. He took some minutes to recover his mind. He didn’t recognize the place where he was and looked around here. He had two perfusions on his left arm. He felt weak and exhausted.

“Wh..where am i?” he wondered out loud. His voice resounded in the room which brought a nurse.

“Mister Dincht? Thanks Hyne, you’re finally awake!!” exclaimed the woman happily.

“Huh…where..”

“You are at the infirmary. Do you remember what happened?”

“No…don’t..th..think so..”

“I’m gonna call Doctor Garnet right now. Welcome back.”

“W..wai..t” he murmured but the woman already left. He looked around him, still dazed. He tried to recollect his memories but the pain in his head and the heaviness of his body didn’t help.

After few minutes, Elise arrived.

“Zell. Welcome back! I’m so relieved you finally woke up!”

“Elise…how…”

“How are you feeling?”

“Du..nno..dazed, tired, h..heavy..”

“It’s okay. It’s probably the effect of the morphine. You’ll get better soon, don’t worry.”

“How..how long I have..been there?”

“You stayed on life support almost a month.”

“Wh..what?”

“Do you remember what happened?”

“I’m..not su..sure…”

“What is the last thing you remember?”

“Hum…” Zell closed his eyes, trying to recover his memories. “Seifer…Seifer..cry..crying…”

“Yes…and?”

“And…shouts…blows..noises…”

She sat at his side, holding his right hand. Zell was pretty weak but he seemed to recall some moments.

“A fight…”

“A fight?” demanded Elise.

“Yes…a fight..between Seifer ..and I.”

“Do you recall the reason of this fight?”

“No…or maybe..it..it was just a nightmare? I don’t know…I see me...beating..him..but I wouldn’t do that…”

Elise looked down, embarrassed. Zell noticed her reaction.

“What?”

“?”

“What is that face? You..know something..tell me. Where is Seifer?”

“He’s on the waiting room with Ward and your mother.”

“My mom..is there too?”   

“Yes. I called her after…you made your heart attack.”

Zell blinked. “H..heart attack???”

“Yes.” She held his hand, trying to tell him the truth the softer way she could. “Actually…you mixed alcohol and medication. You made a heart attack and you stayed on life support during all this time. We didn’t inform your friends about your condition. Only Miss Kramer, your mother and President Loire.”

Zell absorbed this information with difficulties. “Alcohol…” Then, he began to have some flashes: the bottles on the kitchen, Seifer entering in his room, shouts…and the fight.

_“I believed in you, Zell! I believed in you!!”_

Everything went back to his mind and he recalled Seifer’s pledges, his tears, his fear…and his pain. It wasn’t a nightmare…it happened.

“So…is that true? I…I really beat him, right?”

“Zell, you weren’t in your normal state and…”

“I beat him, right?” asked again Zell, fixing Elise with insistence. She finally answered by a simple nod.

Zell sighted, disgusted by himself. “He..tried to help me…and what have I done? I almost killed him…”

“Zell, Seifer isn’t mad at you. He stayed on the waiting room since all this time, praying and praying again for you. He even refused to leave with Ward until you wake up.”

“He..knows about Ward?”

“Yes. I told him.”

“Ah…how did he react?”

“Bad, at the beginning. He considered Ward was responsible of your state. He said that it was because of him you drank and he was really mad at him. But…with the time, he accepted Ward and forgave him…the same way he forgave you. He even became friend with your mother.”

“Really? But if she knows about him…”

“Don’t worry for this. She didn’t say any word about Seifer’s presence and condition to anyone at the Garden.”

“I see…” Zell sighted, relieved but still depressed.

“Would you like to see them? They’re impatient to see you.”

“Yes…but not Seifer please.”

“Wh..what?”

“I..don’t think I can face him after..what I did…I can’t.”

“But Zell, Seifer isn’t mad at you. He prayed for you every day and never left your side during all the time you were unconscious…”

“I can’t…I’d like so much to see him…but I can’t.”

Elise nodded. “I understand. I’m gonna look for your mother.” She was walking toward the door when Zell called her.

“Elise?”

“Yes, Zell?”

“I…I agree to participate to…support group. I think I need it after all…”

She turned around to face him, smiling. She seemed to be really glad to hear it. “This is a good thing, Zell. I’m proud of you.”

He laughed bitterly. “I can’t say the same thing about myself…”

“Don’t blame yourself. It wasn’t your fault. You shouldn’t have been exposed to this temptation to begin with…I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. I don’t think I deserve it.”

“Zell…”

He just closed his eyes to endure the pain he felt remembering the last time he was with Seifer. He even didn’t know if he would be able to face him one day.

 

Elise went to the waiting room. Zell’s mother, Seifer and Ward were there, waiting for information.

“I’ve got good news. Zell woke up.” Said Elise smiling.

“Really??” asked Seifer with hope.

“Yes. He’s fine but still a bit weak.”

“Thanks Hyne…” exclaimed Zell’s mother with relief.

“I came to look for you, Miss Dincht. Follow me please.”

“Sure.”

Seifer grabbed Elise’s arm. “What about me? Can I come too?”

But the woman seemed to be sad when she looked at him. “I’m sorry, Seifer…but you should wait a bit longer. Zell is feeling really guilty for what he did to you the last time and…”

“But I’m not mad at him!!”

“I know. But Zell is mad against himself. He’s too ashamed to see you right now, so please…give him more time.”

The boy was really disappointed. Fortunately, Ward was here to comfort him. His father put his large hand on his shoulder to give him support.

“But…it’s unfair…I waited every day he woke up and…he even doesn’t want to see me…”

“Seifer…I know you’re disappointed but Zell needs to forgive himself to be able to face you. He knows how much you care about him. He just wants you could be proud of him and for this…he needs to be cured.”

“But…can’t I help him?”

Elise stroked his cheek. “You’ve done much more that you can think, Seifer. You gave him the desire and the courage to fight to be healed. Even his friends and his own mother didn’t succeed it to make him change…”

Zell’s mother nodded to confirm it.

“Before he met you, Zell refused to talk with a doctor about his pains and his problems. But he wants to get better for you. He wants you could be proud of him and this is why he decided to start his therapy with me. I would never have done it without you, Seifer. If it hadn’t been for you, Zell wouldn’t have wanted to be cured. So, please, just be patient.”

The boy crossed his hands, looking down. He nodded and stayed with his father who comforted him. He looked at Elise and Zell’s mother leaving.

“I’m here, Seifer. I’m sure Zell misses you.” Said Ward, trying to cheer him up.

His son turned his head to see him. “You…you stay with me?”

“Of course. I’ll stay by your side.”

  “Thanks…daddy…” whispered the boy hugging his father.

Ward couldn’t help to smile seeing his affection. He gave him a kiss on the forehead and rubbed his back tenderly to bring him his support. But he was still mad at Zell for what he did to his son. A part of him couldn’t understand why Seifer was so understanding and kind with him after he beat him so violently.

 

Zell’s mother arrived in the room. She saw her son, lying on the bed.

“Darling…”

“Ma…”

She ran toward him and hugged him tightly. Zell winced because of the rudeness of the embrace but didn’t protest.

“Sorry! Did I hurt you?” asked his mother worried.

“I’m fine, it’s okay.”

“Oh Darling…promise me to never do this again. Please…” she asked crying.

“I’m so sorry, mom. I didn’t know what I was doing…I made you worry for me…”

She sat on the bed, hiding her face to cry harder. “I was so scared! I couldn’t help myself to cry and cry again, imagining the worse…if I had lost you, I…”

Zell cut her, taking her hand with his right one. “I’m sorry…forgive me.”

“I will…but only if you promise me to not do it again. Promise me, Zell.”

“I promise. It won’t happen again.”

She fixed him during a long time to be sure he was saying the truth. Zell was sad but he seemed to be sincere.

“Ok. Let’s talk about something else. How are you feeling?”

“Tired…but I’m fine.” Replied Zell smiling. “So? You met Seifer, right?”

“Yes…he’s so cute. I understand why you care so much about him.”

“You…you didn’t say anything about him to anyone, right?”

“No, Darling, and I won’t. Don’t be anxious for this.”

“Thanks…people wouldn’t understand. He’s so vulnerable this way…”

 “Why don’t you want to see him? He never stopped praying for you during all the time you were unconscious.”

“I know. Elise told me.”

“And when she said he couldn’t go to see you, he was so disappointed…”

“How can I face him, Ma? If he hadn’t pushed me away, I could have killed him.”

Miss Dincht squeezed his hand, nervous. “But…why did you drink that much, Zell? I thought you were feeling better…”

Zell sighted. “The temptation, I guess…I don’t know.”

“Yes you know. Tell me.”

He frowned. “Elise didn’t tell you?”

“She told us that she explained to you that Ward planned to bring Seifer with him. Is it why you drank? Because you were afraid to be left behind?”

He didn’t reply. He was clearly embarrassed by this question. She didn’t wait for his answer because his silence was pretty eloquent.

“Is there something you want to tell me about Seifer, Zell?”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“I’m sure you do. It’s not just a question of friendship, right?”

“Ma, he’s a kid! What do you think I’m doing with him?” he asked irritated.

“I don’t know. You’re the one who should explain it.”

He froze. He didn’t know what to say. How could he explain to her what he even didn’t know himself?

“I just want to protect him, Ma. That’s all.”

“Why? He was your enemy in the past. Is it because of his state? I mean he’s really kind and all but…”

“It’s not just for that.”

“Tell me.”

Zell kept his eyes down. His mother needed to know. She had to know. “When…when I arrived here, I’ve tried to…kill myself.”

“Wh..What?”

“I went on the fourth floor to jump from the window. The guards followed me all the time and checked my position with my wristband. They were on their way to watch me but they hadn’t been fast enough…Seifer saved me. He grabbed me by the waist and pulled me away from the window before I jumped.

“Really???”

“Yes. He didn’t know who I was. But when I asked him, he said he felt my pain and that he couldn’t have ignored me. Since this day, he watched me to be sure I wouldn’t do it again, he comforted me, and he did everything he could to help me to get better…he was afraid that I could hate him and he always apologized even if he did nothing wrong, because he didn’t want to lose me…”

“Zell…”

“How could I be insensitive to his affection, Ma?” But the tears came to his eyes, making his voice change. “And…knowing that, I hurt him. I’ve been an horrible friend…and he even doesn’t hate me..”

“He forgave you. He knows you were drunk.”

“But…”

“Zell, just try to get better and everything will be alright again between you two. He misses you, so please, continue your therapy. This is the best present you could give him.”

“But…he’s gonna leave with his father…”

 “Not until you won’t get better.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Ward agreed to let him stay here until you recover from this incident. So, if you want to enjoy the time you have left with him, hurry up and get better.”

Zell smiled happy and relieved. “He really did this for me…”

Miss Dincht stayed with her son for the rest of the day. Seifer and Ward left the service to go to the Garden. Since Zell refused to see Seifer, it was useless to stay there. The boy was disappointed but his father’s presence helped him. He liked to talk with Ward about movies, books and everything. The kid was curious about everything and Ward wanted to know him better. He had another chance with his child and he wanted to give him all the things he missed during his childhood, like affection, love, protection, happiness…he wanted to travel all around the world with him to visit other country…but whatever he could do, a part of him knew he was running after something he couldn’t have: his own past. He couldn’t go back in the past to be there at Seifer’s birth. He couldn’t return at this time, when he was an innocent baby… maybe it was just a question of time before he would become normal again, with the soul and the body of the man he was used to be…but nobody could say when and if it was possible.

 

* * *

 

After six days, Zell finally left the infirmary and went back to his quarters. His room had been cleaned during his absence. Elise asked to Seifer to not go to see Zell, even if he was still living next to his room. They changed their planning to avoid any meeting which could embarrassed Zell. Most of the time, Seifer stayed in his bedroom with Ward. He took his meals there and just went outside with his father to have some fresh air. Zell never met Ward or Seifer when he left his bedroom. A guard always accompanied him for his meals or his meeting with Elise.

 

It was the first time Zell went on support group. At his arrival, he went twice but he refused to talk and just ignored everyone, so Elise accepted his rejection. But today, he was back and was ready to talk. The session began.

“Hi everyone. We’re welcoming new members today.” Said the moderator. She mentioned a woman and Zell. “Shirene and Zell.”

The woman waved at everyone.

“I suppose all of you remember Zell, right?”

People nodded and welcomed the new ones. The moderator turned his attention on the tattooed man. “Zell? Would you like to start?”

“Ok…” Zell got up and began to speak. “Hi everyone. My name is Zell…and I have a drinking problem.”

 

There was no shame anymore in his attitude. At the beginning, he refused to participate because he considered he didn’t have any problem…but after the last incident, he understood he needed help and Elise couldn’t give him everything. He had to admit his weaknesses and his pains to be able to get better, even if it would mean that he had to embarrass himself talking about his feelings and his past. He owed this to Elise, to his mother…and to Seifer. He followed these sessions all the month. During all this time, he didn’t meet Seifer, even for once. Elise asked to his mother and Edea to not come visiting Zell to let him stay focused on his therapy, which worked. Elise noticed Zell seemed to feel better emotionally and physically.

 

But something was missing. Seifer’s presence. Everything was different without him: the food was bland, the time longer and the routine boring. Zell felt lonely and wondered if Seifer felt the same way. Actually, the other blonde contained himself everyday to not visit Zell. He started to imagine that Zell would never forgive him and he would refuse to see him again….that their friendship ended this day when they fought. 

 

 

One night, after the dinner, the two men were on their own room. Seifer tried to read a book, or to watch a movie…but he couldn’t stop thinking about his friend, who was just on the other side of the wall. He gave his word to Elise but keeping this promise was harder every day. He didn’t see Zell during the whole month. It wasn’t so difficult to stay alone during the day because his father was always there for him. But at the end of the day, it was different.

Seifer got up and took a piece of paper. He wrote few words and left his bedroom. He stayed in front of Zell’s while some seconds before renouncing to knock. He just slipped the paper under the door and returned in his room.

Zell heard a light noise and went to his door. He saw the letter and took it to read it.

_“I miss you. Get better soon.”_

Reading these words made Zell depressed and glad on the same time. He couldn’t forget what happened the last time and on the other side, he was relieved to know he kept his place in Seifer’s heart. He wanted to reply but he changed his mind. If he answered, he would want to see him and he wasn’t ready for this confrontation. He just closed the door behind him and read the words again and again, holding the little piece of paper in his right hand during all the night until he fell asleep.

 

* * *

 

Two weeks later.

Zell was in Elise’s office, finishing his session. At the end of their conversation, she decided to put an end of the isolation she imposed to him (and that Zell imposed to himself with Seifer).

“You’ve made a big progress, Zell. I think it’s time to let your mother and Miss Kramer visiting you.”

“Great! I miss them.”

Elise removed her glasses and continued to speak. “And…I think it’s time to make up with Seifer too.”

Zell had been caught by the surprise but didn’t reply immediately.

“Don’t you miss him?”

“Yes I do…but I’m not ready yet.”

“Yes you are, Zell. You can’t run away for the rest of your life anyway. He’s still waiting for you.”

“I know…he wrote me some words and slipped the paper under my door about two weeks ago.” He held her the paper Seifer wrote. She read it quickly and smiled.

“Did you answer him?”

“No…I couldn’t have done it.”

“Then, time has come to do it.”

Zell lifted his head to face her. “You said…he waited for me until I recover to leave, right?”

“Yes. And so?”

“So…if I’m feeling better, there’s no reason to keep him stuck here…”

“I suppose…”

“Can you ask to Ward to come here, please?”

“Why?”

“I…I need to talk with him.”

“I can call him. I suppose he’s with Seifer now in his bedroom.”

He nodded and let her passing her call. She was right because Ward answered to Seifer’s phone and agreed to meet her in the office.

“He’s coming.”

“Thanks.”

“…with Seifer.”

Zell sighted but understood he couldn’t avoid this confrontation anymore. “Alright…let’s end this.”

 

 

The tall man and his son arrived ten minutes later. They knocked at the door.

“Come in.”

“Good morning, Elise.” Said Ward. He noticed Zell on the background of the office and just waved at him with his head. Zell replied the same way.

“Mornin’ Elise…” Seifer approached and called his friend. “Hi…Zell.”

“Hi Seifer. Long time no see…” replied the martial artist. “Thanks for your little letter. It was really nice of you.”

“You..didn’t answer me…”

“I know…but I had a good reason for this.”

“Ah? Is it because you’re still mad at me?” demanded worried Seifer.

Zell moved closer. He wanted to stroke his hair like he used to do, but he was afraid to touch him. “No, Seifer. I can’t be mad at you. You’ve done the right thing the last time…it was my entire fault and I don’t want you think you did something bad. Forgive me…”

“I’m not mad at you…” Seifer smiled at him with kindness. “So, we’re friends again??”

Zell shook his head. “I don’t think I deserve your friendship anymore…”

“Don’t say that! It’s forgotten and…”

“Seifer, listen to me, please: now you know Ward is your father, you can leave this place. You’re not sick or anything. You don’t have to stay here. Your father is a good man and I know he will take care of you, so…time has come for you to leave Barhein and to be free.”

“But what about you??”

“I’m still ill. I can’t leave. But you’re not alone anymore. Contrary to what your mother said, your father really loves you and he will make you happy.”

“But…Zell…”

The tattooed man put his hand on Seifer’s head, forgetting his fears. “I’ll treasure the moments we shared together…and I will never forget you, my dear friend.”

Zell fixed his attention on Ward. “I owe you apologies, Ward. I think…I was jealous of you. I blamed you to not have been there for Seifer knowing that you even weren’t aware of your paternity. I’ve been terribly rude with you…and I’m sorry. You never deserved my reproaches or my hatred. I was just too selfish to let you take Seifer away from me. But you’re his family and I’m not even his friend anymore after what I’ve done to him. I know you hate me for this and I can’t blame you. I hate myself either. I don’t need to ask you to care of him because I know you will. I wish you the best and…I’m deeply sorry for everything.” Bowed Zell.

Ward approached and held his hand. “I haven’t been much nicer with you, Zell. It was rude to insult you this way…I didn’t mean what I said the last time…”

“You don’t have to apologize, it’s the truth anyway…”

“No, it’s not. I said that to hurt you back…but I should have been more understanding with you knowing your situation and your pain. It was stupid…and in the end, the only thing I did was hurting you and Seifer…I won’t lie to you: I’m still angry about what happened when you fought with my son…but you paid enough for your mistakes and if Seifer forgave you, I guess I can do it too. After all, it thanks to you that I discovered that I had a son…”

“Thanks, Ward…” Zell took his hand and shook it politely. “Now, you should leave with him…”

“But Zell…” protested Seifer.

“Seifer, I’m selfish. If you stay with me, I’ll cut you from the entire world just to keep you by my side. You need to run away from me, from my selfishness. It wasn’t a problem before because you were alone, but now you have a father, I can’t act this way. Leave with your father…”

“But we’re friends! I can’t leave…”

“Hurry up and bring him out of here, please. It’s already hard enough for me…” asked Zell to Ward, before leaving the office to return in his room.

“Zell! Wait!” called Seifer but Ward stopped him.

“Seifer.”

“But…”

“I know…but let him go, please. He needs to be alone.” Explained Ward to his son.

 

 

Zell disappeared in the library to wait for the lunch time. He didn’t want to return in his room immediately because he knew Seifer would come to see him to try to make him change his mind. It was the best thing to do for him and Zell knew it.

 _“I finally managed to let him go. He will be safe with Ward. No need to worry for this…maybe one day, I would meet him again? Who knows?”_ wondered Zell. He closed the book he was reading and looked at the garden through the window. _“Maybe it’s not a bad thing I didn’t have children after all…I don’t think I would have been a good father…how could I be a good father when I even didn’t have one? Dad died when I was young…I just have few memories about him…”_

Thinking about his past, Zell began to realize Elise said the truth when she talked about his relationship with Seifer. During these last months, Zell treated Seifer as a child, yes, but also as if he was his own one, giving support and affection. Yes, there had been these special moments when they touched themselves together, but most of the time, it was a son-father relationship.

_“The stories I read to him, the movies I watched with him, the hugs, the comforting words…in the end, I just wanted to be the most important person in his life, taking Matron’s place. It was…the way I imagined I could have lived with my dad so many times…I gave to Seifer the life I always had wanted to share with my father…”_

 

 

_Fifteen years ago._

_“Dad? Can I come with you?”_

_“My Zelly, I can’t bring you with me. I need to go to work now.”_

_“But I’ll stay with you and I won’t touch anythin’!_

_“It’s too dangerous for a little boy. You could hurt yourself.”_

_“But I wanna come with you! Mommy says it’s thanks to you that we can take the train! I wanna take the train!!”_

_The man grabbed his son and made him sit on his lap. “I didn’t build the trains but the road they used. It’s called “railway”. I have to keep it in a good state or the trains wouldn’t roll. Do you understand?”_

_“So you do the road for the train?”_

_“Yes. But I don’t go on board. I stay outside to take care of the railway.”_

_“So you never go on the train?”_

_“Not often, angel. But sometimes yes. When people from other country ask me to repair their railway, I go there with the train.”_

_“Really?”_

_“Yes. Do you know that the railway from here passes under the sea to go to Timber?”_

_“Under the sea?? It’s impi..impass..”_

_“Impossible?”_

_“Yes! Impossible!”_

_“Nothing is impossible my boy! We can do anything when we work hard.”_

_“How is it under the sea? Can you see the fishes and the water on the wagon?”_

_The man laughed. “No, son. You can’t see it because there’s a big wall which protects the road, or it would have been washed away; this wall is called a tunnel.”_

_“Can I go to the tunnel?”_

_“No you can’t. It’s dangerous.”_

_“Even for you?”_

_“Yes. Only the train is allowed to go inisde of the tunnel.”_

_The little boy pouted sadly. “But I wanna go on the train…”_

_The man put his son on the floor and stroked his hair. “Listen, when I’ll be on holidays, we’ll travel with the train together with your mom, alright?”_

_“Really??”_

_“Yes. And we’ll go wherever you want.”_

_“I wanna see all the places in the world!”_

_The man had been joined by his wife. The two parents looked at their son, tenderly, smiling. The boy was too cute._

_“Alright! We’ll travel all around the world together.”_

 

Recalling this part of his life, Zell went back to the present and understood what Elise really meant when she explained Zell was seeing himself through Seifer.

_“I promised Seifer the same things that my dad promised me before dying…I’m just taking my father’s place in my own life. What am I looking for? Dad is dead and I would never get this time back…we can’t change the past and it’s useless to chase after it.”_

Zell closed his eyes, absorbing the pain he was feeling, thinking about this time he never had lived with his father. It was probably one of his biggest regrets.

_“I never cared about travel. I went all around the world and it didn’t bring me anything. I think I just wanted to be with Dad...”_

He left the library when the lunch time came but didn’t go to the refectory. He wasn’t hungry. He decided to have a walk on the Garden. He went to his usual spot and admired Esthar city from there.

 _“I have no right to ask Seifer to stay with me. I hope he would stay like this forever and that Ward would protect him from this world. People wouldn’t forget or forgive him, but he’s not alone. I know I’m gonna miss him, but I must do the right thing for him…and this is the right one. I can’t drag him in my depression.”_ He sat on the bench and looked at the sky with sadness, thinking about what his life would become without his dear friend.

 

 

After one hour, Zell started to get cold so he went back to his quarters. He looked exhausted and depressed. Even if he didn’t shed any tears, he was crying a river inside, missing Seifer, his mother or thinking about his past with his father.

_“Why does my heart feel so bad? I’m not a kid anymore. I have to suck it up. I endured worse…”_

When he arrived in front of his door, he couldn’t help to give a glance to Seifer’s one with melancholy. “I won’t cry, I won’t cry…he’s with his father now. It’s all matter…be happy for him and stop being so selfish, Dincht!”

He shook his head vigorously to erase the pain and the bad thoughts. He entered in his room and noticed there were people inside. He recognized Seifer and Ward’s figures.

“What..are you doing here, guys? I thought you left?” asked Zell surprised. He noticed there were two bags at Ward’s side. “I see…you came to say me goodbye, right?”

But Seifer didn’t reply. He just approached with a concerned look, fixing Zell in the eyes. The tattooed man opened his right arm to give him a hug. Seifer accepted it and held him tightly, burying his face on Zell’s neck.

“I’m gonna miss you my friend…thanks for everything and…I hope one day you will forgive me.” Whispered Zell with a trembling voice. He was trying to contain his sadness but he failed and cried.

Seifer kept quiet, hugging the other man in his arms. He was visibly touched but kept his composure. After long minutes, he released Zell and moved away, reaching his father’s side. He was looking down, with some shame in his eyes.

“You’re not mad at me, Dad?”

Ward caressed his hair gently. “No Seifer. I’m not. On the contrary, I’m proud of you.”

The boy lifted his head just a bit to be able to see his father before jumping in his arms to hug him. “I’m sorry…”

“Don’t apologize to me. It’s not like we won’t see each other again. I’ll come back tomorrow, ok?”

“Yes…but I don’t wanna you believe that I don’t like you…”

“I don’t think that. But Zell and you have promises to fulfill. I understand.”

The martial artist frowned. “Sorry but…what are you talking about?”

Ward and Seifer turned their attention on him.

“Seifer decided to stay in Barhein.”

“What?? But…” he asked mentioning the bags.

“Yes. He refused to leave and said that he would wait for you.” Explained Ward. “Your mother told me to bring you some clothes.” He added, referring to the bags Zell mentioned.

Zell was confused and went to Seifer’s side, grabbing his arm. “What are you doing? Why don’t you want to leave? You hate this place, right? You’re not alone. You have your father now!”

“I know…but you promised me we would leave together. I love Dad…but if I leave with him, you will be alone…and I will miss you too much to be happy. So, I’ll be waiting…until you’ll be healed.”

The tattooed man burst in tears, hiding his face with his hand. Seifer comforted him with a hug. Ward just looked at them smiling. He wasn’t jealous at all because he knew Seifer didn’t choose Zell because he loved him more than him, but because he was loyal to him.

“Don’t cry Zell…I’m here.” Murmured the tall man.

“S..Seif…” cried the tattooed man but he couldn’t even pronounce a single word because of the emotion. He wouldn’t be alone and Seifer would stay by his side.

 

* * *

 

Time passed. Days became weeks, which became months. Zell began to feel better and found his confidence. He continued his therapy with Elise, followed the support group and the physical exercise sessions. During this time when he was busy, Seifer stayed with his father, which gave the opportunity to Ward to share some intimate moments with his son. His relations with Zell improved and they stopped to see each other as enemies. On the contrary, Ward did everything he could to help the tattooed man, like reassuring his mother. Miss Dincht wasn’t allowed to visit his son more than once in the month, so she took news about him thanks to Ward and called often Doctor Garnet.  

 

It was almost a year than Zell arrived at Barhein. His physical condition didn’t change but his mental state got better. He understood he needed to change the way he was acting with Seifer, especially after the last incident. He kept the same strong bond with him but learned to be less possessive, giving more space to Ward. It wasn’t easy sometimes, but he followed Elise’s advices: he needed to put some distance with him to be able to break away from this pain he felt about his father’s absence. Acting like this with Seifer was just another way to compensate his sorrow and he couldn’t use him indefinitely. Nothing could erase his pain, he knew it, but he had to learn how to live with it.

 

 

One afternoon.

Zell just finished his exercise session and returned in his bedroom. Exceptionally, it had been moved earlier, just after the lunch, because the coach had to leave sooner in the afternoon. Zell didn’t mind so he accepted. His session with the support group had been cancelled because of the change of the planning so he was free for the rest of the day. He went to the bathroom to rinse his face when he heard someone knocking. He guessed it couldn’t be anyone else than Seifer since his mother and Matron already visited him about two weeks ago. He grabbed a towel to dry his face and returned in the room.

“Come in, Seifer. I was about to join you in your bedr…” But he stopped talking when he saw the familiar faces in front of him.

“Hi Zell.”

He blinked several times to be sure he wasn't dreaming. “Sq..Squall? Quistis?”

“Long time no see. How are you, Zell?” demanded Quistis, moving closer to hug him.

“Quis…I’m fine, thanks…but what are you doing here?” replied Zell nervously, holding her in his arms.

“Doctor Garnet finally allowed us to see you. She said you made good progresses.”

“I see…”

Squall stayed back, looking at him, crossing his arms. He didn’t look happy at all. Quistis observed Zell with insistence to check his condition.

“You look good. Really. I’m so relieved…”

“Thank you, Quis. I’m..I’m sorry to have caused you so many troubles at the Garden.”

“No, Zell. Don’t apologize. You needed help and we should have sent you here sooner…”

“I’m fine now. I need to continue my therapy but I’m on the right track. How are the others?”

“Selphie, Irvine and Rinoa are on the road to join us. They need to finish a mission with the Estharian Army at Tears Point.”

“Great…it’s nice to see you all, guys.” But Zell noticed something seemed to bother Squall. The other man kept silent during his conversation with Quistis. “How are you Squall?” demanded Zell shyly.

“I’m fine.”

Quistis looked at Squall with insistence as if she was asking him to stop. He was clearly pissed and showed it. On the other side, she tried to establish a good contact with Zell. It was the first time in several months that they could be reunited, so she didn’t want to waste this unique opportunity.

Zell started to understand that something was bothering Squall but his friend seemed to wait for Zell did the first move, as if he waited for a confession.

“Spit it out, Squall. What’s wrong with you?” asked finally Zell irritated.

“You should know since you pronounced his name when we arrived.”

Zell understood he was referring to Seifer. “Didn’t you talk with Doctor Garnet before coming to see me?”

“Yes we did.”

“So I suppose she told you about Seifer, right?”

“Yes, she did.”

“So, why do you look so pissed about this?”

“Because you treat our enemy like your friend. Did you already forget what he did to us?”

Zell rolled his eyes, even more exasperated. “It’s hard to forget, Squall. But Seifer isn’t the same man anymore. If Elise actually told you everything, you should know about his state.”

“I don’t give a shit about him. Whatever happened to him, he deserved it.”

Quistis shook her head fixing Squall, begging him to stop it. She knew he would piss Zell with his reproaches and he didn’t need it. But Squall ignored her.

“It doesn’t concern you anyway. Why do you care if I get along or not with Seifer?”

“What’s wrong with you, Zell? You hated him and now he’s your best friend?”

“We’re not talking about the same man, but about a kid. What do you expect from me? I should push him away or blame him for something he doesn’t remember?”

“This is exactly what you’re supposed to do.”

“For Hyne’s sake, Squall, the War is over! Seifer isn’t a threat anymore. He didn’t leave this place since he arrived here.”

“And What? I should forget and forgive and acting as if nothing happened??”

“No one asks you anything! It doesn’t concern you!”

“Yes it does, because you’re involved in this situation. You came here to be cured for your problems and your depression, not to take care of this bastard!”

“Stop insulting him this way!” protested Zell with anger.

“Look! You even take his defense against me!”

“I take his defense because I’m his only friend!”

“Who’s to blame if everyone hates him? He chose to follow this bitch! No one forced him!”

Zell fixed Squall with a furious look. “And what should I do, Squall? Tell me. Should I explain to Seifer that all of the orphanage gang grew up and he stayed a nine-years-old boy in an adult body? That I’m the same Zell he met at the orphanage but contrary to him I’m normal? That he bullied me during our entire scholarship at the Garden? That Matron became a dangerous sorceress and that he followed her in her madness to fight against us? That he betrayed us fighting with the enemy and that he provoked a war with Matron? That he captured us and tortured you at D-District Prison? That he gave his ex-girl-friend to a monster? That he killed hundreds people during this war? Is that what you want I tell him?”

“Nobody asks you to tell him. Just leave him alone and stay focused on your therapy.” Replied coldly Squall. 

Zell sighted, sitting on his bed. “How could you be so cold, Squall?”

“If you had been tortured by him the way I’ve been, you would understand. Besides, I remember you Rinoa almost died because he kidnapped her and threw her to Adel. And I don’t talk about the fact he killed Odin, invaded Balamb city with Galbadia Garden and other things…”

“But he’s just a child now. A vulnerable kid who even didn’t do these things yet…”

“Zell, Seifer is a war criminal. He hurt too many people and caused too many troubles to this world to be forgiven.”

“What about Matron?”

“Matron regrets what she did, and she’s under control. Seifer never had any regrets about his actions. I know he would do the same choices if the story would start again. ”

“You don’t know anything, Squall.”

“Why are you so understanding with him anyway? Maybe he’s just a kid right now and maybe he can’t remember what he did, but you can’t forget what he was before…”

“I didn’t forget. But I learned to forgive. Besides, there’re a lot of things that I understood staying by his side during all this time. He suffered more than you could imagine…and it’s probably the reason of his rude temper…”

“What do you mean, Zell?” demanded Quistis.

“Seifer met Ultimecia when he was at the orphanage.”

“What???”

“Yes. I remembered what Squall told us what he lived during Time compression. He said he had been sent at the time when he was a little boy. Matron was running after him because he was looking for Ellone and Ultimecia appeared at this time to give her power to Matron before dying. But what you didn’t see is that Seifer was there at this time and he met Ultimecia just few minutes before Matron…”

“How could you know about this?”

“Seifer told me. He said he met angel one day and he described me Ultimecia…”

“And…what happened?”

“She said to him what happened to his mother and she corrupted him, saying that he was a bad person, born to be hated and that was why his mother never loved him, and that whatever he could do, he wouldn’t change the way people were looking at him…”

“Hyne…” murmured Quistis, sadly.

“And you believe this?”

“What should he say lies? He even doesn’t know who she was.”

“Ok, admitting it is true, what does it explain?”

“It explains everything! Don’t be so dense, Squall. Don’t you get that Seifer developed a bond with Ultimecia and that he followed her because he met her in the past?”

“And it is supposed to justify everything?”

“People don’t become crazy like this without any reason. If Seifer fought against us, it’s probably because he trusted Ultimecia and that he recalled the “angel” he met in his childhood. His fail at the seed exam, my mistakes when he took Deling in hostage and all, helped too…but I know things happened this way because of some reasons. There’re so many things we still don’t know…”

Squall and Quistis remained quiet thinking. Zell wasn’t entirely wrong. If Seifer actually met Ultimecia in the past, it would explain why he followed her until the end.

“I know what you can feel toward him, Squall. Everyone has grieves toward him: Because of Seifer, Quistis lost her teaching license, Rinoa almost died twice, Selphie and Irvine lost so many friends in the destruction of Trabia Garden and the invasion of Galbadia Garden, Ellone had been chased and captured, and you have been tortured…and I’m not talking about the scar he gave you during your duel with him and the fact he tried to kill us more than once. I know what he did…but if you saw the way he took care of me during these last months, you wouldn’t recognize him.”

They suddenly heard a loud noise as if someone let something heavy falling on the floor. The three of them frowned looking each other. Zell got up and walked toward the entrance where the noise came from when he heard some steps and the door slamming. When he arrived, followed by Quistis and Squall, he just saw a book on the floor. He took it and understood immediately.

“Oh God…don’t tell me…” he gave the book to Quistis and opened the door widely. “SEIFER!”

But the other man didn’t turn around and kept running, pushing away the people he met on his way. Zell chased after him, running as fast as he could, calling him.

“SEIFER! WAIT!”

 Squall and Quistis ran after him, following their friend. Seifer was faster and put some distance between him and the others.

“SEIFER!!” called Zell again and again, in vain.

Seifer didn’t take the elevator but the stairs. He arrived in the main hall quickly, running like a rocket without even knowing where to go. Zell was behind him, still calling him. The tall blonde went instinctively toward the exit of the center. On the road he met two women, one with a yellow dress and another one with black and blue clothes. They were accompanied by a tall man with long hair, wearing a cowboy hat.

“Hey! That’s Seifer!” explained Selphie.

Seifer stayed frozen, trying to remember them but he renounced when he heard Zell’s voice. He continued his road and pushed them away.

“What’s going on??” asked Rinoa looking at Quistis.

“Stop him!!” exclaimed Zell but no one had been fast enough. Seifer reached the entrance and ran faster when he saw the doors were open to let the visitors entering or leaving.

“Stop!” warned a guard when he noticed Seifer but the tall blonde ignored him.

Four guards went on his way to block him but in the situation, visitors panicked and disturbed the guards which gave the opportunity to Seifer to run away. He managed to pass the doors but got caught by the feet by a guard. He pushed him away with a kick in his face and arrived in the land. Zell and the rest of the gang joined the guards at the entrance who gave the alert.

“Open the doors!!” shouted Zell.

“Mister Dincht, you can’t leave. Let us manage this problem!” replied a guard to calm him.

“He’s my friend! Let me go!!”

The doors opened and several guards left the center, armed, to chase Seifer. Zell began to panic when he saw their weapons.

“What the fuck are you doing?? He’s just a kid! You’re gonna fear him with this!!!”

“We know what we have to do. Return in your quarters!”

“Fuck off! Let go of me!!”

The alert continued to ring, which brought more guards to the entrance. Two of them tried to contain Zell but when they understood it was impossible to make him change his mind, they called Doctor Garnet. Fortunately, Squall and his friends were there to help them to restrain Zell.

“Zell, you need to calm down! You can’t do anything. “ said Quistis.

“They’re gonna kill him!! Let me go!!”

“We won’t hurt Seifer, Mister Dincht, but the land is still covered by powerful monsters. We need our weapons to defend ourselves.”

“THAT’S WHY I TELL YOU TO LET ME GO!! SEIFER IS IN DANGER! HE’S DEFENSELESS!!”

“You’re not allowed to leave the center. Please, behave yourself!”

“FUCK YOU! I SAID LET GO!”

Squall pinned Zell against the wall to contain his panic. “That’s it, Zell! Stop struggling! They know what they are doing!”

“THIS IS YOUR FAULT! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO COME???”

“What?”

“Seifer probably heard us when we were talking in my room. What do you think he’s thinking right now after all what he heard about him?? He should be completely lost! He’s defenseless! He doesn’t know how to fight and he’s unarmed!”

Selphie, Irvine and Rinoa were completely lost. Since Quistis and Squall arrived earlier, Doctor Garnet informed them about the situation and Seifer’s presence, but the others weren’t aware of this. Zell’s reaction was even more surprising.

“What’s going on?” asked again Rinoa. “Since how long Seifer is here?”

“We’ll talk about it later. We should go after him. It’s not safe to let him alone in the Estharian land.” Said Quistis. “You should call Laguna. This way he could send some soldiers to look for Seifer.” She suggested to Squall.

“I don’t think it would be necessary. He couldn’t have gone far and the guards ran after him immediately.”

“Please, let me go! I need to find him. He would be afraid with strangers!” said Zell. “I can convince him to come back. He trusts me!”

“We have to wait Doctor Garnet’s decision.” Said the guard who stayed with them.

“BUT WE’RE LOSING TIME! IT’S TOO DANGEROUS FOR A CHILD!!”

 

Elise arrived some minutes later. “What happened? They told me Seifer escaped??” she demanded to Zell and the guard.

“Yes, Doctor, but I already sent several men at his pursuit. They will catch him.”

“Where was the security staff?” she asked angry.

“They were there, Madam…but Seifer pushed everyone on his way and we had been disturbed by visitors and…”

“ENOUGH!” she shouted even more furious. “I’ll take sanctions later. Check Seifer’s position with his wristband to locate him. Send two cars with one with the medical team in the case of he would be hurt. Hurry!”

“Yes, Madam!” The guard left after had received his orders.

Zell moved away from the others and went to Elise’s side. “Elise, please! Let me go after him!”

“Did you fight again with him?”

“No! But…he probably heard my conversation with Quistis and Squall about him. I’m so worried for him. Please! Let me go. I promise to come back when I would find him.”

Elise seemed to hesitate but she knew Zell was definitely the only one who could reassure Seifer in this kind of situation.

“Let’s call Ward first. Don’t worry for him, Zell. We can locate Seifer with his wristband so we’ll find him.”


	5. Chapter 5

Zell was incapable to calm down knowing that Seifer was alone and unarmed in the estharian land. Elise understood that she wouldn’t reassure him with words so she accepted to bring him with her. They took a car with the rest of the group. Elise also called Ward and asked him to join them.

“Zell, relax. I’m sure Seifer is okay…” said Quistis, rubbing his back softly.

“I wouldn’t be that worried if we were talking about the same Seifer, Quis. But right now, he’s just a kid. He doesn’t know how to defend himself…”

Selphie, Irvine and Rinoa couldn’t help to be interrogative. They left the center so quickly to look for Seifer that nobody had got the time to explain them the situation. But seeing the tense atmosphere, nobody dared asking questions. It wasn’t the right timing.

“The first team checked Seifer’s last position. It seems that he went near of the Salt Lakes.” Said Elise, checking her cell phone. “Ward is on the road with the Ragnarok to join us there.”

“Elise…”

She took his hand gently. “We’re going to find him, Zell. Keep faith in him. He’s maybe young inside but I’m sure he kept some reflexes.”

“But what if he meets a dangerous creature? He’s not junctionned and doesn’t have any magic spell…”

“I know, but he couldn’t have gone that far. We’ll find him.”

Elise and Quistis tried to comfort Zell during the road. Squall was fixing him with insistence, as if he was trying to understand or to recognize his friend. In old times, Zell would never have worried for Seifer, after all what he did to him. But now, he was talking about his former nemesis like a fragile and innocent child. Maybe it was right, but Squall couldn’t believe it. He continued to see the Seifer he used to know in him and not the child he was actually.

 

The car stopped after one hour. Everyone went outside. The Ragnarok was already there. Zell ran toward Ward, almost crying.

“Ward…”

“Zell. What happened? Tell me!”

“I…I’m so sorry. It’s my fault…”

“Did you argue again with Seifer?”

“No! Not at all! It’s just…he heard me talking about him with Quistis and Squall. I didn’t hear him coming to my room…”

Ward began to realize the gravity of the situation. “Hyne…what did you say? What did he hear?”

“I argued with Squall and…you know, we talked about the time when Seifer was following Ultimecia, about our past at the orphanage and all…I said he caused death and desolation during the war…and other shits like that. I suppose he had been hurt to hear me saying that and he ran away. He managed to pass the security at the entrance of the center…”

“No…” Ward moved away, shocked and worried.

“Ward, I’m so sorry! I swear I didn’t want to hurt him…it came in the flow of the conversation with Squall…you know how much I treasure my friendship with him. I would never hurt him intentionally…”

“But that’s what you did…again!” replied angrily Ward. “After all what he did for you…how could you, Zell?!”

“I’m so sorry…”

“I knew it. I knew I should have brought him with me instead of letting him living with you there…”

Elise approached to defend Zell. “Ward, please. That’s not Zell’s fault. He really tried to protect him but he couldn’t know that Seifer was listening to them.”

“He shouldn’t have talked about this subject to begin with!” yelled the tall man. “Now Seifer is somewhere in this land, in danger, just because you couldn’t have shut your fucking big mouth!!”

“Ward, that’s enough! No need to overwhelm Zell. He’s feeling guilty…” said Kiros.

“And it’s supposed to comfort me? I don’t give a shit about his state of mind!”

Zell looked down, ashamed. He knew Ward was right and he couldn’t blame him. He wanted to find Seifer quickly to reassure him and to explain him the truth…but most of all, to apologize and to say he would still love him whatever he could have done in the past.

“Can we argue later please? We better split to look for Seifer if we want to prevent a drama.” Told Quistis.

“You’re right…” Elise was about to propose a plan when they saw another car coming to them. “This is the first team who went after Seifer.” She joined them, followed by the rest of the group.

 

“Doctor Garnet.”

“Did you find him?”

“No, Doctor. But we found his wristband…” the guard held it to her. The thing was broken and covered by blood.

“Where did you find it?”

“In the north of the Salt Lakes, in a middle of a pool of blood, but no trace of him.”

“No!” Zell panicked when he heard these terrible words. “You’re wrong…it can’t be true…”

“I’m sorry…but I suppose he got attacked by a monster.”

Ward hit the first rock on his way, by frustration. He refused to think that his son had been killed by a monster. It was impossible.

“What should we do now, Doctor?”

“Go back to the center. We’ll continue the researches with the ship.”

 “Yes ma’m.” the man nodded and he went back to the car with the rest of his team before leaving for Barhein.

 

Elise turned around to face Zell and Ward. “Keep hope. It doesn’t mean he’s dead. There’s still a hope to find him alive. Let’s go on board to look for him. We would cover more distance in the air.”

“Yes. Let’s not waste more time.” Agreed Laguna.

Zell was shaking. The guilt was unbearable. If Seifer died…he would never recover. He already lost too many people in his life, he wouldn’t be able to support another death. He almost fell on his knees, crying and knocked by the shock when Ward grabbed his arm and helped him to stay on his feet.

“Hold on. It’s not over.”

“Ward…what if…”

“Shut the fuck up! It won’t happen!”

Zell swallowed his pain and tried to keep faith. Of course Ward was terrified to lose his son, but he had no intention to give up. He was still mad at Zell, but a part of him already forgave him because he could see how much he was affected by Seifer’s sort.

 

Everyone went on the Rangarok. Selphie took the command at the place of the pilot. The ship patrolled in the air, flying above the Salt Lakes. Each of them was searching Seifer through the window. Without taking her eyes of the land, Quistis talked to Kiros.

“Didn’t you say anything about Seifer’s disappearance to Raijin and Fujin?”

“We did but we asked them to stay at the palace to protect Ellone. They really insisted to come with us but they understood it would be better to let Ward taking care of this…”

“hum…sorry to ask it so suddenly but why Ward?” demanded Irvine.

“Because Seifer is my son.” Replied the tall man.

“WHAT?????” shouted with shock on the same time Selphie, Irvine and Rinoa.

“It’s a long story…I’ll explain you everything later.” Said Kiros.

The orphanage gang had so many questions to ask to Ward and to Zell. But in front of the emergency to find Seifer quickly, they understood they better not insist. 

“Hyne…Seifer is Ward’s son…I can’t believe it!” exclaimed Selphie.

“Now you say that…there’re some physical similarities.” Said Rinoa.

“Please…let’s stay focused on our researches.” Complained Ward, still fixing the land.

 

Everyone stopped talking and went back to their position. During this time, Zell didn’t take his eyes of the landscape. Squall was by his side. Actually, he didn’t really look for Seifer but kept his attention on Zell.

“There!!” shouted Zell abruptly. “I saw something moving down! Selphie, land the ship!!”

Ward joined him immediately and looked for any move. “Are you sure you saw him?”

“I saw something but I can’t tell you if it was Seifer…we have to check it.”

 

 

The ship landed and everyone went outside. Every member of the group had taken his weapon, ready to fight any creature on their way. They followed Zell who went directly to the direction he pointed from the ship. During half an hour, they didn’t find anything.

“I didn’t dream! I saw something!” exclaimed Zell.

“We know, Zell…” said Quistis. “There’s blood here…”

“Bl..ood??”

“Yeah…let’s follow the blood trail. It goes on this direction.”

They began to walk when they heard a roar further. “What was that?”

“It sounds like a beast’s roar. Let’s go!”

 

They ran to noises and arrived quickly. A tri-faces was on his back, visibly attacking someone on the edge of a cliff.

“Seifer!!” called Ward.

The blonde was holding his right arm bleeding. The creature was about to jump on him when Zell and Ward ran toward it and attacked the monster. Quistis and Irvine joined them.

“Let me use my limit break!” said Quistis. “Move!” She casted an aura spell on her and used Degenerator which sent the tri-faces in a different dimension.

 

After that, Ward and Zell immediately ran toward Seifer but the blonde moved back, afraid.

“Don’t move closer!”

“Seifer, easy…it’s okay. You’re safe now.” Reassured Ward.

“Leave me alone! You two! Get away from me!”

“Seifer, please…I don’t know what you heard earlier but you misunderstood…” tried to explain Zell approaching but Seifer refused to listen to him.

“Get away from me! You liar! You pretended to be my friend but you lied! You always hated me!!”

“No! You’re wrong!!”

“I heard you! You said I killed people! You said it!!!”

“Please, let me explain…”

“I don’t want you come closer! Get lost or I jump!!”

“No! Don’t do that! Please!” yelled Ward, panicked.

“You too, you’re a liar! You always hated me. That’s why you never came to pick me!!”

“Seifer, that’s not true! I didn’t know you were my son! I swear I would have come sooner if only I’ve known it before and…”

“Liar! Liar! Liar!! I hate all of you!!”

Elise joined them and tried to calm the kid. “Seifer, please come back. We’ll explain you everything, but it’s too dangerous to stay where you are now…you could fall and kill yourself…”

“I don’t care! Nobody would be sad anyway!”

“Of course we would!” said back Ward.

“Lies!! Everything you say is a lie!! Everyone hates me!! She was right!!”

“She? Who are you talking about?”

Zell understood immediately that Seifer was referring to Ultimecia when she said to him he was born to be hated.

“She was right…people would never like me because I’m born like this…but I thought it could be different with you…I was wrong…” cried Seifer sadly.

“Seifer…I don’t understand. What do you mean? Who said that to you?” asked Ward disoriented. But the kid was too depressed to reply.  

Zell decided to open his heart and to tell him everything. He made a step but the other blonde shouted to stay away from him.

“I said to not come closer!”

“Seifer…you’re right. I lied to you. All of us lied to you…but it wasn’t for the reasons you’re thinking. It was to protect you…”

“You’re lying…again…”

“No. I won’t lie to you anymore.” He put his hand on his chest. “Do you remember your childhood at the orphanage, right?”

“Yes…”

“I’m Zell. The same crybaby you knew.” He turned around and showed the others behind him. “This is Squall, Quistis, Selphie and Irvine. Your childhood friends…all of us grew up with you and we have been raised by Matron.”

“…why..didn’t you tell me you were this “Zell”?”

“Because I wasn’t sure you would have believed in me. The last time you saw me was when I was a little boy. I’m an adult now…”

“But…why am I still little?”

“Seifer…it’s complicated. You’re a child trapped in an adult body.. Something happened to you and it changed you this way…that’s why you’re different from us.”

“I…don’t understand…”

“Do you remember this angel who came to talk to you at the orphanage? The woman with grey hair, black wings and colored marks on her face?”

“Yes…”

“She wasn’t an angel, Seifer, but a sorceress. When you met her, you were young. She lied to you when she said you were born to be hated. She said that because she wanted to take you with her…but Matron arrived at this time, and this sorceress gave her power to her. You told me Matron changed after that, remember?”

“Yeah…”

“That’s because Matron became a sorceress. She became a different person because of this woman that you took for an angel. This woman controlled Matron and made her do bad things…”

“Bad…things?”

“Yes…it’s because of this woman Matron became nasty and she began to attack people…”

“But…why?”

“Her name was Ultimecia. She was a bad person and hated everyone, so she used Matron to hurt people. Matron didn’t know what she did and couldn’t control herself…like you…”

“Like…me?”

“Yes. Seifer…It’s because of that person you changed this way. Before meeting her again, you were a teenager like all of us and you lived at the Garden.”

“Garden?”

“You saw it. It was the big building flying in the air…when you were fishing with Raijin and Fujin, do you remember?”

“This thing? I’ve been sent there? But…”

“When we left the orphanage, we moved to different countries. I’ve been adopted by a kind family in Balamb, Selphie left for Trabia, Irvine for Galbadia, and you, Squall and Quistis have been sent to the Garden. You were a-five-years old boy when you went there with Quistis and Squall. You grew up there and you became a soldier. I arrived at the Garden later, because I was living near of it. We studied together with Quistis, Squall and you. Selphie joined us later…”

“You’re wrong. I don’t remember this…”

“I know but it’s true. At this time, you were like us. You were a teenager…” He pointed Rinoa with his finger. “You met Rinoa and she became your…friend.”

“R..Rinoa?”

“Yes. You helped her a lot with her other friends. At this time, you also stayed with Raijin and Fujin. They were your best friends…”

Quistis approached. “Zell is right, Seifer. He tells you the truth…”

“Q..Quistis?”

“Yes. Do you remember me?”

“Yes…Bossy Quisty…” murmured the kid sadly.

Quistis smiled hearing Seifer talking like this. She recalled so many memories. Seeing him this way made her realize how much Seifer should feel lost.

“But…what happened to me?”

Zell continued his explanation. “One day…Matron came back. She was under Ultimecia’s control and she was doing bad things when you arrived. You came to help us with Rinoa because we were in danger…and Matron talked to you. Nobody knows what she told you but after that, you followed her…and we became enemies.”

“Enemies?”

“Seifer…Ultimecia made you and Matron do bad things for her. You weren’t yourself at this time…you were crazy. We’ve tried to stop you with Squall, Quistis, Irvine, Rinoa and Selphie. Even Raijin and Fujin tried…but she was controlling you, like Matron…so we fought against you.”

“R..really?”

“Yes…”

“What…sort of bad things I did with Matron? Did…I kill people?”

“It wasn’t your fault, Seifer. You were under Ultimecia’s control…”

“Did i?” asked again Seifer.

Zell looked down. “Yes…you did…but it was a war, Seifer. We also killed people to defend ourselves…”

“So…they said the truth…”

“Who are you talking about?”

“The people..who attacked me…they said I was a murderer…they were right.”

“They don’t know you weren’t yourself. They think you did it on purpose because you were nasty but they’re wrong. They don’t know Ultimecia controlled you and Matron…”

“But why me?”

“I don’t know. Maybe she recognized you? She already met you when you were a little boy…or maybe you just wanted to protect Matron? Nobody knows, Seifer. You never told us…”

“But…why can’t I remember anything?”

“Because before dying, Ultimecia did something to you. She changed you this way. I don’t know why it happened only to you…but when Matron, Raijin and Fujin met you again, they understood something was different in you. There’s nothing we can do to change you, so, to protect you from people, Matron and Laguna decided to send you in Barhein.”

“Why nobody told me?”

“You couldn’t remember anything. Nobody wanted to make you sad. It wasn’t your fault, Seifer…”

“You…you knew it since the beginning, right?”

“No. I didn’t know what you became or what happened to you after the war. I came to Balamb with everyone. I never wondered where you were until I arrived in Barhein and I met you. When I saw you for the first time, you didn’t look different for me. I didn’t know Ultimecia made that to you, so I thought you were still my enemy…I was wrong…”

“So…you hated me?”

“A lot of things happened between us, Seifer. We fought against each other…it wasn’t like I could have talked to you as if nothing happened…but when Elise told me about you, I forgot everything. You were so nice with me that you became my friend. I wanted to preserve you from this…you didn’t need to know…”

“You’re lying. You just pitted me…I never have been your friend.” Said Seifer with pain.

Zell felt the tears coming to his eyes. “Do you remember how I was when I arrived at Barhein? I was a piece of trash. I was a pitiful alcoholic. I hated my life; I felt sorry for myself and I just waited for the death…and you came in my life.”

“…”

“You saved me…if you haven’t stopped me when I jumped, I would be dead today. I would have caused a terrible pain to my mother…and to my friends. After that, you watched me every passing day. You stayed with me all the time to cheer me up and to protect me from myself. You put yourself in danger when I drank alcohol. You stopped me and…I beat you for this…” Zell started to cry. Elise comforted him rubbing his back. “I hurt you…I was a horrible friend…but you stayed for me. You could have left with Ward…but you refused to leave just to stay with me…you..you gave me a reason to live again…”

“Zell…”

“I’ve tried…I’ve tried so many times to die but I never succeeded. I was suffering so badly that I prayed every morning to never wake up. I felt so bad that no one could help me: my mother, my friends, doctors…no one…until I met you. You comforted me. You brightened my days just with your blissful smile and with your kindness that I started to forgive myself…I opened my heart again after had closed it for so long… ”

“He’s right, Seifer. Without you, I would never have been able to help Zell…it’s thanks to you he started his therapy. You helped him more than you could imagine.” Added Elise.

“You’re important to me. I went so far thanks to you, I don’t wanna go down again…but I know I would if I lose you. Look at me: I’m useless. I failed in everything in my life…but despite of that, until now, I meant something for you. I was important to you. This is thanks to your affection I managed to stop drinking and that I started to feel better…but if you hate me, it wouldn’t be the same anymore…I don’t deserve your friendship, I know, but please…don’t abandon me…not you…please, Seifer, I’m begging you…” pledged Zell crying.

Seifer walked toward him slowly, still holding his bleeding arm. When he reached Zell’s side, he enrolled his arm around his shoulders to hug him tightly.

“Don’t cry, Zell…please…”

“Seifer…I’m so sorry…” cried Zell even more hugging him back.

“I won’t leave you, don’t worry, but please, stop crying…”

“I’m so sorry…” repeated again and again the tattooed man.

Everybody stayed quiet. It was for all of them an unrealistic scene: Seifer Almasy hugging Zell…but seeing the two blondes, they understood they developed a special bond that nobody and nothing could break.

After a long silence, Elise came closer to Seifer. “We must come back to the center. You need medical cares…”

“I don’t wanna go back there…never again.”

“Seifer…”

Zell stroked Seifer’s cheek with his fingers softly. “We’ll leave…but only after have cured your injury.”

“Promised?”

“Promised. I give you my word. Let’s go back. This way, we’ll take our belongings.”

“But..where are we going?”

“You can come to the Palace tonight with us.” Said Ward smiling. “Ok?”

“Fine…”

 

 

Everyone went back on board. With the Ragnarok, it didn’t take too long to arrive in Barhein. Seifer directly went to the infirmary with Elise and Ward. Zell waited for him outside, with Squall, Quistis, Selphie, Rinoa, Irvine, Laguna and Kiros.

 Quistis stared at Zell, worried. “Zell?”

“Yes?”

“Was…that true?”

“What?”

“Did you try…to kill yourself?” she asked shyly.

Zell stayed on his back. “Yes.”

“Hyne…we knew that you were depressed, but I never imagined it was at this point. I’m sorry…”

“Don’t be sad, Quis. You couldn’t know.”

“What did he do that we didn’t?” demanded Squall, a bit upset. “We watched you. We tried to cheer you up. You covered you more than once in front of Cid. We made everything we could to save you and it never worked. What is so special about him?”

“Are you jealous or something, Squall?”

“Jealous? Of him?? Are you kidding me??”

“Then, why are you reacting this way?”

“Because! You..you talk about him like a hero! You completely forgot he tried to kill us more than once!  He wasn’t under Ultimecia’s control and you know it!!”

“He was also the one who saved my life!!” yelled Zell. “I wouldn’t be here if he hadn’t been there when I jumped from the window! I would be still an alcoholic if he hadn’t stopped me drinking! I didn’t forget what he did in the past, but if you have seen the way he took care of me during all these months, you wouldn’t talk about him this way.”

“He wasn’t under Ultimecia’s control.” Repeated Squall.

“He was. It can’t be different…”

“You just want to stay blind. He’s not the kind person you think he is…”

“What about you?” asked back Zell. “Do you think you’re so perfect, Squall?”

“I didn’t try to destroy this world with this bitch contrary to him.”

“But you were willing to let this world fall in the darkness to save Rinoa.”

“That’s different.”

“Really? Didn’t you leave without saying a word to bring her to Esthar when she was unconscious? Everyone needed you but you just thought about yourself. You left us behind, without even have told us.”

“Where is the point with Seifer?”

“He just made the same thing. He followed his heart, like you did to save Rinoa.”

“Bullshit.”

“Matron always has been the only person who ever loved Seifer. When she recovered her mind, he was alone…Ultimecia probably corrupted him this way, saying that nobody was waiting for him so he better came with her…”

“That doesn’t justify anything.”

“You have no idea about what Seifer endured in his childhood, Squall…you can’t understand.”

“And I suppose you know?”

“I do. Thanks to Matron.”

“Matron?”

“Yes. Matron never visited a therapist like she pretended. She actually visited Seifer every month, but she couldn’t tell you or to Cid because she knew you would have reacted badly. I asked her to investigate about Seifer’s past and it’s thanks to her that we discovered Ward was his father.”

“Wait a minute! Matron visited Seifer during all this time???” asked Selphie, surprised.

“Yes. She brought him here to protect him from the world. She couldn’t keep him by her side but she managed to have visitation rights thanks to Laguna.”

Laguna looked at Squall a bit embarrassed. “Actually, Edea called me after the war and she brought Seifer to Esthar. Rajin and Fujin didn’t know what was wrong with him so we demanded to Odine to exanimate him. When we understood what happened to him, we couldn’t have let him stay with Edea so we sent him here…” explained Laguna.

“You should have told me.”

“I know…but I wasn’t sure you would have reacted very well…”

“How did Matron discover Seifer was Ward’s son?” demanded Rinoa.

“Actually, Edea knew Seifer was born in Timber so she consulted the civil register. She discovered that Seifer’s father never recognized his paternity and left just after his birth. She stayed focused on his mother and she met friends and neighbors. Her name was Ana. She used to work at the Galbadia Hotel when she met her husband. He was working at the Timber Maniac but was also a member of the resistance in Timber. He enrolled Ana in the resistance and…he used her to have some information.” Started to explain Kiros.

“Really? So Seifer’s parents were already in the resistance…that’s why he helped us.” Said Rinoa.

“No…it’s not really like that. To tell you the truth, Ana really loved her husband and was ready to do anything for him…even selling her body with galbadian soldiers to have information for the resistance. This is like that Ward met her…he fell in love with her but she just used his feelings to get what she wanted…”

“Hyne…does Ward know?”

“Yes. He knew Ana used him but he thought she would realize his feelings for her one day. But she left for Timber and married Sacha.”

“Sacha?”

“Sacha Almasy.”

“Oh…but I thought his father didn’t recognize him?”

“He didn’t when he discovered just after the birth that Seifer wasn’t his biologic son. He left the city and abandoned his wife with her child…”

“Oh dear…”

“What a bastard!” exclaimed Irvine.

“Yeah…Edea told us what she discovered when she went to Esthar to visit Seifer and Zell and we made the link with Ana and Ward. We made a paternity test which confirmed our doubts…” concluded Kiros.

Zell who remained quiet during this explanation, turned around to face them. “After Sacha’s departure, Seifer’s mother became depressed and terribly lonely. She made Seifer pay for this beating him and blaming him every day for their miserable life. She became alcoholic and neglected him. Every day, she beat him saying it was his fault if his father left, reproaching to be born each time she was drunk…and when she was sober, she wasn’t nicer. Seifer grew up with the idea that he destroyed his mother’s life and thinking his father hated him…what do you imagine that he thought when he met Ultimecia at the orphanage and she told him he was born this way, to be hated?” he asked to Squall.

“…”

“He believed in her…because his own family already said that to him. I’m not trying to excuse his attitude but…I don’t think he grew up normally like we did after that. He always thought he was on the wrong side.”

“That’s actually true. He always chose the wrong way and the wrong side.” Replied Squall with coldness.

Zell glared him. “What do you want, Squall? Tell me. Why can’t you leave him alone? Seifer is far away from you and from Rinoa. He’s not a threat anymore…why can’t you let him?”

“Because you’re involved in his problems, Zell. You’re my friend and even if you don’t give a shit, I care about you.”

“I’ve never said that you weren’t important for me, Squall.”

“Then, why did he succeed when I’ve done the same thing for you?”

Zell kept quiet, thinking about his words, before answering. “I got it…Actually, what bothers you the most is the fact that Seifer did what you didn’t, right?”

“What?”

“You don’t care about me, Squall. You never did. But it annoys you that he helped me when you failed.”

“You’re crazy…” laughed Squall.

“I’m not and you know it. You can’t support it. There’s nothing to do with me…you’re just jealous of him. I understand now…”

“If it is what you think, you’re even more stupid that I thought.”

“Squall!” said Quistis with authority.

Zell didn’t react. On the contrary. He smiled. “You know what, Squall? I always knew that you were thinking this way about me. You never considered me like your friend…but I convinced myself all the time that I misunderstood.”

“I never bullied you contrary to him.”

“Your indifference was even worse than Seifer’s insults. Maybe he made fun of me, but he gave me at least some attention contrary to you. You ignored me all the time. I was just a burden for you…I’m sure you were relieved to see me leaving for Barhein, didn’t you?”

“You can think whatever you want, I don’t care. You just have eyes for your beloved Seifer anyway…”

“You are despicable, Squall.” Said Zell sadly. “You’re jealous for someone who doesn’t have anything contrary to you…”

“Your drinking problem seemed to have affected your brain capacities which were already low…you can’t think maturely anymore. Seifer is a bastard and you climb to him like a pitiful dog. Who is despicable?  How could you be so kind with him after all what he did to me and to Rinoa?”

“You, you…and you again. That’s all what matters to you.”

“You know what? Fuck you! Stay with your dear friend! I don’t want to see your face at the Garden again!”

“Squall, please…” said Rinoa to calm him down.

“I had no intention to come back there anyway.”

“As if you would accept you! You said yourself! You’re useless!”

“That’s it, Squall!” yelled Quistis.

Zell waved at her, calmly. “Nothing is keeping you here. Feel free to leave.”

Squall just shrugged and left the room, slamming the door behind him. Rinoa looked at Zell confused, before running after him.

Quistis approached and put a hand on Zell’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, Zell…Squall shouldn’t have lost his temper this way. He was…really worried for you and…”

“It’s ok, Quis. Don’t apologize at his place.”

“I’m sure he didn’t mean what he said…” told Selphie.

“I don’t care, Selphie. It doesn’t touch me anymore…”

“Zell…”

“Listen guys: I don’t want you think that I didn’t see what all of you tried to do to help me…and I’m really thankful to you. But if Seifer helped me, it’s because his condition reminded me myself in my own past…it’s complicated. It doesn’t come from you but only for me…I’m sorry if you misunderstood what I said earlier.”

“We understand, Zell. It doesn’t matter who managed to make you go back on your feet. If you feel better, it’s the most important thing.” Reassured Quistis.

“Thanks…”

 

 

One hour later, Seifer and Ward left the infirmary with Elise. Zell immediately went to see him.

“How are you?”

“I’m fine. Thanks…”

Zell sighted, relieved. He stroked Seifer’s hair gently. “Never do that again, please. You worried us.”

“I know…”

“I’m sorry, Seifer. I know I should have told you the truth…”

“Are we…still friends?” asked shyly Seifer.

“Of course we are!”

“Even if…I did bad things?”

“Ultimecia did these things. It wasn’t you.”

“…” Seifer didn’t seem to be convinced entirely. Zell made him raise his head to look at him in the eyes.

“Hey, listen: what happened in the past doesn’t matter. Even if you’re not completely the same person anymore, you aren’t nasty. On the contrary. You’re a good boy and that’s why we like you. Don’t blame yourself, please.”

“You…seemed to hate me in the past when you talked about me with Squall…”

“Seifer, there’re so many things you don’t know…but I promise to tell you everything. We have all the time for this. In the past, you and I had a difficult relationship, even before the war started. But it’s different now. I don’t want to let the past breaking our friendship.”

“Me neither…”

“Good. Let’s stop talking about this. You should go back to your room to pack your clothes and all.”

“You come with me?”

Elise interrupted them. “I need to talk with Zell first, Seifer.”

“I mean, you will come with me and Dad to the Palace? You won’t stay here, right?”

“I’m leaving with you. But I need to talk with Elise before our departure. If you wanna leave soon, you can go with Ward first. I’ll join you later.”

“No. I’ll wait for you.” He looked at Ward, turning around. “Can we wait for Zell, Dad?”

“Sure.” Nodded Ward, smiling lovingly.

Quistis made a sign to Irvine and Selphie. “I think we should go back to the Garden. I’ll call you tonight, Zell.”

“Thanks, guys.”

They stared at Seifer with kindness. “It was nice to see you again Seifer.”

The boy blushed. “Yes…will you come to see me again?” he asked to Quistis.

“We will. Promised. Take care of you.”

“Thank you…”

The rest of the group waved at them and left the center to go back to the Garden. Squall and Rinoa already came back there and were probably waited for them.

Ward looked at Kiros and Laguna. “You can go back to the Palace, guys. I’ll join you with Seifer and Zell later.”

“Are you sure?” demanded Kiros.

“Yes. Thanks.”

The two men nodded and left few minutes later, letting Zell, Seifer and Ward alone with Elise. Ward accompanied Seifer to his room to help him packing his belongings. Zell followed Elise in her office.

 

 

When they arrived there, Zell sat in front of her.

“Zell…I  understand that the situation with Seifer was complicated earlier and that you wanted to reassure him saying that you two would leave together…but I don’t think you’re actually ready to leave…”

“I’m sorry to have presented you with a fait accompli.” Zell kept his eyes on her, determinate. “I’m really thankful for what you’ve done for me. You made realize so many things that I kept for myself. I finally put words on my pains and it’s all thanks to your hard work.”

“You’re talking as if you were healed…” she said uncomfortable. “Your therapy is far from being finished, Zell…”

“But I don’t think you can do anything else to help me either.”

“Why are you saying that?”

“You know, I thought a lot about what you said about the transfer that I was doing on Seifer. You were right. Actually, I was running after my own past wanting to give him what I couldn’t have had with my father…but that’s not what I want anymore.”

“Then, what do you want?”

“I want…to stay by his side. I don’t see myself through to him anymore. I see Seifer now.”

“Are you sure about this?”

“Yes. I think I made peace with myself. Talking with my mom made me understood that I wasn’t responsible of my father’s death. The hole he left when he died would never be filled, but now, I want to focus on the good moments I shared with him, even if it was during a short time. I know he loved me, so the better gift I could give to him is to be happy. That’s what he would have wanted for me.”

Elise took her book notes and wrote something. She read other thing she wrote during their previous sessions.

“Tell me, how do you see Seifer?”

Zell frowned. “I don’t understand your question. What do you mean?”

“You said you saw Seifer and not yourself through him. Can you explain me what do you see in him? Are you seeing the kid, the teenager, the man? Your friend or your former enemy?”

“I don’t know…” said Zell confused. “I mean…he’s all of this, but I see the boy and the friend, I guess…”

“Is that all?”

“I don’t get the point…”

“Are you telling me that when you look at him, you only see the kid? Despite his physical appearance?”

“No…I told you I also see the man…” replied Zell confused, blushing.

Elise understood she touched a nerve. “Zell. Be honest with me: have you ever thought about Seifer in a different way?”

“Like what?”

“Like…a lover or a sex-partner for example?”

Zell blushed harder. “Wh..What are you saying?? He’s a child!”

“Did you?” she asked again.

“What do you think I am? A pervert??”

“We’re not talking about pedophilia, Zell. Seifer is physically a man. I am well placed to know what I’m talking about.”

“?”

She looked a bit embarrassed. “It’s not easy to explain what an erection is to a little boy. Believe me…”

“I can guess.”

“He told you I explained him how his body works, right?”

“Yes…but why are you telling me that?”

“I’m not blind, Zell. There’re some signs that I noticed in your gestures and in Seifer’s ones.”

“What are you talking about?”

“The way you touch him, flushes, looks…it betrays your desires.”

Zell laughed, trying to hide his embarrassment. “You think too much, Elise.”

“When was the last time you had sex with someone?”

“I don’t know…”

“Did you ever meet anyone else after Lydia’s death?”

“No.”

“That’s what I thought. You accumulated a sexual tension since this day. This tension mixed with the frustration of your handicap.”

“And so?”

“I don’t know. Tell me?”

“Tell you what?”

She took her glasses off. “Tell me, in the eyes, that you never had felt any sexual desire for Seifer.”

Zell faced her but he was a bad liar. He bit his lips nervously but kept silent.

“Your silence speaks loud and clear.”

“And So? What if I had?”

“I’m not judging you, Zell. I just want to make you say it out loud. That’s a natural reaction…”

“You don’t even mean what you say.”

“I do.”

“No you don’t. That’s not normal to feel that way for someone that I used to hate. That’s not normal to have desire for a man when I never have been attracted to men before. That’s not normal to desire sexually…a child.”

“Here we are.”

“What?”

“There was something in your attitude recently that I couldn’t explain. I noticed you sudden change of tone when you were talking about Seifer. There was also something in your gestures and in the way you looked at him but I couldn’t put words on it…it’s when I saw you blushing that I began to guess it.”

“…”

“You can’t help to see the man when you look at him. Staying with him all the time made you realize what you missed. You were so lost in your depression and sorrows that you forgot and neglected your own needs. You talk about friendship but it’s more than that: this is love. You two love each other.”

“You’re wrong…that’s not like that…” lied Zell.

“At the beginning, it was friendship. But after had received Seifer’s affection, you started to see him in a different way. Being loved affectionately by him recalled you what it was to be important and special for someone, as you were for Lydia. Unconsciously, your body also remembered you it, but you felt ashamed to have this sort of desires for him because of his state.”

“…”

“You don’t have to feel ashamed, Zell. That’s natural. On the opposite, it’s actually a good thing that you feel embarrassed about this. That means you care about Seifer and not only for yourself…”

“We touched each other.”

Elise blinked. “I…beg your pardon?”

“One day…I was jerking off…and he came to my room. He surprised me while I was doing it and I didn’t hear him coming…”

She stayed frozen, as if something really heavy had fallen on her head. “…And?”

“And…he was worried for me, so he moved closer and…you know. I’ve tried to push him away. I swear I’ve tried! But…he told me he wanted to help me to relax…because I couldn’t do it properly with my right hand…”

“You mean…he touched you?”

Zell nodded, blushing harder. “He…made me come and it made him horny too…so we did it together.”

“ When you say “we did it”, you mean only masturbating, right?”

“Yes...”

“Okay…” she took some minutes to think about this. “How many times did it happen?”

“Twice.”

“And nothing else happened?”

“No…we kissed one time but nothing more.”

“A kiss?”

“When…we were doing it during the second time, I…got carried away in the flow and…I kissed him.”

“I see.”

A long silence started. Zell was fixing the floor, ashamed. Elise was a little confused.

“That’s surprising…I mean: I thought it stayed feelings. I didn’t suspect it could actually become a reality.”

“Do I disgust you?” finally asked Zell.

“That’s not what I mean, Zell.”

“Do i?”

“No you don’t.”

“You’re lying. I disgust myself…I abused Seifer’s innocence.”

“No need to make a drama for this. That sort of things happens often between children when they discover their body…”

“But it doesn’t between an adult and a child…and I remind you I’m no longer a child.”

“It doesn’t make you disgusting.” She smiled at him. “Zell, it would have been disgusting and disturbing if you had felt this way for the little Seifer in his child’s body. Do you imagine yourself doing something like this with Seifer’s child appearance?”

“No way!!”

“See. It disgusts you just thinking about this. So you’re not a pedophile.”

“But…I did it with him knowing his condition…it doesn’t make me better.”

“It happened because Seifer has an adult body. You would have let him done it to you if he had been normal, don’t you?”

“He wouldn’t have done it to me in the first place if he had been normal…”

“Ok, just imagine it. Would you have let him or not?”

“Yes.”

“So, there’s nothing abnormal in your feelings. As I told you, that’s surprising, but not that terrible.” She laughed. “I suggest you to not mention this to Ward.”

Zell rolled his eyes, exasperated. “I’m not that dense! Thanks!”

“I’m just kidding...” but she stopped laughing quickly to be serious again. “But I must tell you that it worries me.”

“What?”

“To see you feeling this way for Seifer. I think you start something that you don’t control, Zell…and it’s not safe for you.”

“I’m fine…”

“For now, yes. But you’re too unstable emotionally to begin a relationship that complicated…”

“Elise, I’m not going out with Seifer and I’ve no intention to go further with him. It was a mistake to do this and it didn’t happen again…and it won’t happen again.”

“Are you sure about this?”

“I told you the truth. It happened twice and we didn’t do anything else.”

“That’s not what I mean. Are you sure it won’t happen again?”

Zell didn’t reply immediately. At the beginning he wanted to say yes, but he wasn’t even sure about his own feelings.

“You want to do it again and even to do more. Am I wrong?”

“There’s nothing to do with what I want. I would never force Seifer…and I don’t want to do that with him in his condition.”

“What about him?”

“What?”

“Do you believe he thinks the same way?”

“…”

Elise crossed her hands together. She seemed to understand the situation better than Zell did.”Zell, do you realize you’re starting to develop feelings for him? We aren’t talking about sexual desires anymore…and the problem is that Seifer seems to follow you in this way…”

“He’s not in love with me. He’s too young to understand what love is anyway…”

“You’re wrong. Even at his age, he still makes the difference between the love he has for his father and for you. Did you ever talk about this with him?”

“About what?”

“Love, friendship…”

“He…he said he loved me.” Replied Zell recalling. “But I’m sure he said that in a friendly way. I mean he loves me like a friend and…”

“You’re lying to yourself, Zell. You perfectly know it.”

Zell continued to remember. “The person I love the most in the world…”

“Sorry?” she frowned.

“Seifer said…I was the person he loved the most in the world. He told me that before knowing that Ward was his father…”

“He still feels the same way, even knowing the truth about his father.”

“Elise…”

“What about you, Zell?”

“Me?”

“Do you love him?”

Zell thought during long seconds to answer to this question. “I don’t know…I’m not sure I could feel the same way if Seifer was normal…but on the other side, I couldn’t if he had a child appearance either…”

“You understand what I meant now? You’re too fragile to start this relationship. With the time, things will move further between you two. If you can’t answer to this simple question right now, would you be able to answer it later?”

“But…we don’t need to…”

“Zell, you forget Seifer’s feelings in this situation. He’s going to love you even more with the time. He will grow up and he would want to have sex with you. But if you’re confused about your own feelings now, would you be able to return his? You have to think about this.”

“I can answer to this.”

“Tell me.”

“I think…I love him and I would love him even if he was normal…and nice with me.”

“But as far as I can recall our discussion, Seifer never had been nice with you before, right?”

“Yes…”

“So, how could you speculate about the feelings you would have for him if you never had seen him nice with you when you two were teenager?”

“Because…he would be like he is right now.”

Elise sighted. “The way Seifer acted with you during all the time you passed here is different, Zell. He didn’t know who you were really. Do you think he would have been that nice with you if he had known you were this “Zell?”

Zell began to have enough. With “if”, everything would be different. “Why are you trying to make me turn my back to him?”

“That’s not what I’m trying to do. I want you realize in what kind of situation you’re going to enter. Are you strong enough to handle it? In your fragile state, I don’t think you would support another deception…”

Zell smiled at her, to reassure her. “Elise, I’m not going to start a physical relationship with Seifer. Even if I have desires, I will restrain myself. I will continue to love him but as a friend. As long as I can stay by his side, I would be happy.”

She stared at him during a long time before writing something in her note book. “You finally passed the last stage…the acceptation.”

“I think so.”

“I continue to think you shouldn’t keep this bond with Seifer…but on the other side, I know it went too far to break it now. I guess I’m responsible of that situation after all…”

“Why are you saying that?”

“Because I used Seifer to help you. I couldn’t make you come to me without him. I don’t know when I lost control, but it went above my expectations. I put you in a dangerous way…”

“That’s not your fault. Maybe he was the only one who could have helped me?”

“Maybe. Well, I suppose there’s nothing I can do for you anymore and even if I think it’s too soon to let you leave, I also know that keeping you here wouldn’t be effective without Seifer.”

“So…can I leave?”

She nodded. “Yes. But under one condition.”

“Which one?”

“I want you continue your therapy with me. You don’t need to come every day. Once every two weeks would be good enough.”

“Agreed.”

“Alright. I’ll sign a release but I prefer to keep a mentor for you. For people who suffer from drinking problem, the relapse is never far…”

“I understand. Since I’m going to stay with Seifer, I suppose you can choose Ward, or my mother.”

“I’ll write both of them on your medical file.”

“Ok.”

She took several documents, signed it and held it to Zell. “Well, see you in two weeks.”

They got up, shook their hands and walked toward the door. Elise accompanied Zell. He opened the door and turned around a last time.

“Thank you for everything, Elise.”

“You don’t have to thank me, Zell. That’s my job.”

He forgot his embarrassment and hugged her tightly, which surprised her highly. But she didn’t push him back. Usually, she wasn’t that close with her patients, but it was different for him. It was his way to thank her. She held him back tenderly.

“I’ve been terribly rude with you but you never gave up on me…thank you, Elise. You saved me.”

“No, Zell. You did it alone…or not completely. It’s also thanks to Seifer.”

“Yes…but I wouldn’t have done it without you. I know it’s not over but…”

“But you did the most important part of the road. Keep going and don’t turn back. Don’t ruin everything you’ve already done.”

“I won’t. Thanks again.”

“You’re welcome. It’s not like we won’t see each other anymore, right?”

“I would miss you too much.” He joked.

“Liar!” she laughed with him. “You better go. I suppose Seifer and Ward are waiting for you.”

“Yes. See you in two weeks.”

“Good luck, Zell.”

 

 

Zell went back to his bedroom and took his things before leaving. Ward and Seifer were waiting for him at the entrance of the center. He reached their side and began to leave, when Zell stopped to run around a last time. He looked at the center, thinking about the time he passed here with melancholy.

“Zell?”

“I’m fine, Seifer. Don’t worry.”

“Are you sad to leave?”

“No…actually, I’m happy. Let’s go.”

Then, the three men left and took a taxi to join Laguna and Kiros at the Presidential Palace.

 

* * *

 

At the Garden, Edea was walking in the corridor. It was already the end of the afternoon. Nobody told her what happened with Seifer. The Garden was on the estharian coast. She wanted to visit Zell and Seifer at Barhein but she already used her visitation right this month. Besides, Cid and Squall would notice something, even if she would ask to see only Zell.

She went on the first floor to go to the balcony. She wanted to have some fresh air. She admired the view. She could see from her spot the city lights of Esthar shining and hear roars of the beasts from the land and the Salt lakes.

“Matron?”

Edea went back to the reality and stopped thinking about Zell and Seifer to turn around. “Rinoa. How are you?”

“Oh…I’m fine. What are you doing here?”

“I just wanted to admire the view…but tell me, you don’t look well. Something happened between you and Squall?”

“Well, actually, it’s more between Squall and Zell…”

“Zell??”

“Yes. We went to visit him at Barhein center today.”

“Really? Why nobody told me?”

“You didn’t tell us either that you visited him with Seifer every month.” She said back.

Edea made herself fall in her own trap with this question. She looked down, embarrassed. “Did Zell tell you this?”

“Yes. We met Seifer there with him and Zell told us everything.”

“I see…I’m sorry. I should have told you but…”

“I don’t blame you. Actually, I would have done the same thing at your place. It’s sad to see that you had to hide this way to visit Seifer…”

“He’s so vulnerable...You can’t imagine how much it was difficult to leave him each time I visited him. He was begging me and cried all the time…”

“I can guess…”

“But thanks to Zell, he’s not lonely anymore…even if he shouldn’t have to stay there.”

“Matron…Zell and Seifer left Barhein.”

“What??”

“Yes. Squall and Quistis went to see Zell first and things didn’t go very well with Squall…”

“What happened?”

“Squall reproached Zell to treat Seifer like his friend…well, you know what I mean, right? They began to argue, but they didn’t hear that Seifer was actually on Zell’s bedroom while they were talking. He heard everything about the war and his past…”

“Oh no…”

“It shocked him a lot and he ran away. We arrived at this time with Selphie and Irvine. He managed to pass the security at the entrance of the center and left.”

“He left? In the estharian land? Alone??”

“They sent people to look for him and we called Ward too. With the Ragnarok, we found him…”

“Tell me he hasn’t been hurt…”

“Nothing serious, don’t worry.”

“Thanks Hyne…but what happened next?”

“Zell told him everything about Ultimecia, you, us, his childhood at the orphanage…he didn’t explain what happened to him during Time compression but he just said that Ultimecia made something to him which changed him this way.”

“How did he react?”

“He felt…guilty. He was ashamed to have done these things and wondered if Zell would be still his friend. But he reassured him and he convinced him to come back.”

“Seifer, my poor angel…

“You know…I would never have imagined that Seifer and Zell could have developed this sort of bond…”

“Seifer is so kind with him. If you had seen the way he took care of Zell, you would understand.”

“Really?”

“Yes. You know, Zell tried to commit suicide few days after had been sent there. He was about to jump from the fourth floor, when Seifer saved him. Since this day, he never let Zell alone to be sure he wouldn’t try it again…he also cut his meat for him when he had his back on him and…he even protected Zell from himself when he found him drinking alcohol in his bedroom.”

“Wait a minute…how Zell managed to get alcohol there?”

“He stole it in the kitchen. Some employees were celebrating a birthday one day and Zell passed there when he saw it. He stole the bottles and went back to his bedroom to drink. Seifer found him and broke the bottles to stop him…and thanks to Hyne, we almost avoided a drama…”

“What do you mean?”

“When Seifer broke the bottles, Zell was already drunk, so he lost his control and jumped on Seifer. He beat him really hard…but he pushed him away before going back to his bedroom, shocked and terrified. When Zell realized what he has done, he panicked and mixed his medication with alcohol, which provoked him a heart attack. Guards found him and he stayed in the coma during several days…”

“Oh God…but why didn’t you tell us?”

“I couldn’t. I told it to Zell’s mother and she stayed in Esthar until Zell woke up.”

“So…Zell’s mother knew about Seifer too?”

“Yes. During all the time Zell was unconscious, Seifer prayed for him every day. He always stayed in the waiting room, praying and praying again for Zell’s wake up.”

“Oh…so touching…”

“That’s what Zell’s mother thought too when she saw him.”

“I wished Squall could have seen that too…”

“So what happened next after you came back to the center?”

“Seifer went with Doctor Garnet and Ward to cure his injuries and we stayed with Zell. Squall began to blame Zell again, saying that he didn’t understand what it was so special about Seifer and why he listened to him when he had said and did the same thing for him before sending him to Barhein…”

“I got it…He was jealous that Seifer managed to help Zell when he couldn’t have done it, right?”

“Sort of…he argued violently with Zell and even expulsed him from the Garden.”

Edea blinked. “What??”

“Squall refuses to let Zell come back to the Garden. Zell said he didn’t mind because he had no intention to come back in the first place…” Rinoa held her waist with her arms. “Squall was so nasty with Zell…I almost didn’t recognize him. That was so rude…”

“I suppose Squall’s ego is hurt…After all what happened between him and Seifer, it’s not like he could turn the page so easily and to forget everything. But that’s not Zell’s fault…”

“I’ve tried to talk with him but he refused to listen to me. Now, he is furious and doesn’t want to hear Zell’s name anymore…I don’t know what to do, Matron…”

“Leave him alone for awhile. The time erases the pains.”

“But what about Zell?”

“Don’t worry for him. As long as Seifer is by his side, he would be alright.”

“You think so?”

“Yes. Believe me.” Edea sighted, a bit worried. “I think I have to tell it to Cid now…”

 “We didn’t say anything. You don’t have to if you don’t want it.”

“No. I owe him the truth. I’m tired to lie anyway.”

“As you wish.”

“Thanks to have told me, Rinoa. Don’t worry for Squall, he will be fine soon.”

“I hope so…”

 

* * *

 

One week later. Esthar.

Zell and Seifer stayed at the presidential palace with Ward, Laguna and Kiros. It was also the opportunity for Raijin and Fujin to meet their friend again. Even if Seifer didn’t remember them, he liked to stay with these two. They haven’t changed a bit: Raijin was still clumsy and Fujin bossy. Life was fun with them.

But for his own safety, Seifer wasn’t allowed to leave the Palace. People in the streets would recognize him and could hurt him. Ward didn’t want to take any risk. He was overprotective with his son and never left his side. On the other side, Zell kept the same relationship with him, but he gave more space to Ward. He thought a lot about his last conversation with Elise. Yes, he loved Seifer, but their story was impossible, not this situation. It was unhealthy. But his feelings grew up on the same time. It was hard to deal with it, but in the end, he understood what he loved in this Seifer was his kindness. So, whatever how he could be, a child or an adult, as long as he loved him, he would return his feelings.

 

One afternoon, in Esthar.

Seifer was watching a movie with Raijin, Fujin, Ward and Zell, when Kiros joined them.

“Hi guys.”

“Hi Kiros. Wanna join us?” asked Ward.

“No thanks. Actually, I’d like to talk with you, Ward, please.”

“Sure.” He stroked Seifer’s hair before getting up. “I’m coming back.”

“Ok.”

 Zell looked at them leaving, suspicious, so he waited for their departure to follow them. Seifer grabbed his arm.

“Where are you going, Zell?”

“Hum…to the toilets. Keep following the movie. You’ll tell me what happened. I’m coming back.”

“Fine, but don’t take too much time…don’t wanna tell you the whole story. “

“Yeah, yeah…” Zell let them alone and went to the corridor. He saw Ward and Kiros walking toward Laguna’s office. He followed them quietly. When he arrived in front of the door, he stayed outside to listen to them.

“So? What did you wanna tell me?”

“Well…” began to say Laguna uncomfortably. “hum…it’s hard to say but I don’t think…Seifer should stay any longer at the Palace…”

“Why?”

“You know why, Ward. Seifer isn’t welcome in Esthar. Gossips spread fast. We managed to keep his presence here secret but one day people will know.” Said Kiros.

“So, in other terms, you ask me to get him out of there?”

“That’s not personal, Ward, and you know it.”

“Bullshit.”

Zell pushed the door and entered. The three men turned around when they heard him coming. “Zell?”

“I’m sorry to interfere this way…but I think they’re right, Ward. It’s not safe to keep him here.”

“But nobody knows so…”

“But we can’t keep him locked here eternally either.”

Ward sighted; he knew they were right. “Where to go then?”

 “Would you like to come to Balamb in my house?”

“Balamb? But people don’t like Seifer there either…”

“But they wouldn’t hurt him. This is a small town and nobody would attack him there.”

“What about the seeds at the Garden?”

“Yes…but we don’t have to stay there eternally. I mean, we can travel all around the world.”

“Sounds nice.” Agreed Ward.

 

They concluded with Kiros and Laguna to leave on the week. They left Laguna’s office to return to their room with Raijin, Fujin and Seifer. On their way, Zell took the opportunity to be alone with Ward to talk with him.

“Ward?”

“Yes?”

“You know…I’d like to thank you.”

“What for?”

“To let me stay with Seifer. I suppose it’s not easy for you to share your son with me all the time…”

Ward smiled a bit uncomfortable. “I won’t lie to you, it’s true it’s not easy sometimes…but I noticed you gave me more time alone with him.”

“You have a chance to build a relationship with your son after so many years. I’m sorry if I’m in the way…”

“You know, at the beginning, when I started to know him better, it was what I thought about you. I always complained about your presence…and I thought it would be easier if you weren’t there. But with the time, I realized it was wrong. You know, seeing you with Seifer often give me the impression to have two sons sometimes.”

“I guess it’s hard for you to think about the time you lost with him…”

“Yes. What is hurt me the most is the fact that nothing would have happened with Ultimecia if only I’ve been there for Seifer. I mean, he wouldn’t have become her knight if he had got a father by his side.”

“You wouldn’t have stopped the war, Ward. Everything would have arrived with or without Seifer.”

“But he would have been on the right side and we wouldn’t have had the problem to hide his presence…”

“You’re right.”

“Sometimes it’s true that I would like to have more intimacy with him, but your presence reassures Seifer. To be honest with you, I wonder why he likes you so much. No offence, but Edea told me you and he weren’t particularly friends when you were living at the orphanage.”

“That’s right. But I think he just felt so lonely that he got attached to me when he saw I wouldn’t hurt him.”

“What about you?”

“Me?”

“Yes. Why did you get so close to him when you discovered his situation?”

“Well…it’s complicated. But to be short, I saw myself through him. My father died when I was five. I never recovered from this pain and I kept it for myself until now, so when I saw Seifer, I just saw the child…the child I was. Comforting him gave me the feeling to get better, but everything changed with the time and the therapy with Elise. Now, that’s Seifer and only him that I see. He helped me a lot. I can’t help to find him cute and endearing. I just can’t let him after all what we shared together…”

“I see.”

“Ward…do you think Seifer would become “normal” again one day?”

“I don’t know. Do you want it?”

“Yes…and no. No because he would probably forget the time we passed together or he would be embarrassed by it to become the nasty man he used to be again…”

“And why yes?”

“Yes because…it’s unfair. Living without knowing or recalling his life, in an adult body and being a child…I suppose it’s not easy for him.”

“But at least, he doesn’t know what he did during the war. It’s probably better for him. He should feel guilty when he was “normal” as you say.”

“Maybe…so, you don’t want to, right?”

Ward got embarrassed. “I know I’m selfish…but I prefer things stay like this. This way, I can see him growing up. But if he would be an adult again, maybe he wouldn’t want to know me?”

“I understand. That’s not selfish. I can guess what you missed with him during all this time. At your place, I would feel the same.”

“Thanks for understanding. Do you think it would be okay for your mother to welcome the both of us at your home?”

“Sure! She loves cooking and she feels a bit lonely when I’m not at home. Besides, she likes Seifer so I’m sure she would be glad to welcome you.”

“It’s nice of you.”

 

* * *

 

One week later, Zell, Seifer and Ward left for Balamb. They took the Ragnarok and Laguna took the opportunity to visit Squall at the Garden. Since their argument, Squall and Zell didn’t talk together. The rest of the orphanage gang called and visited Zell and Seifer few times at Balamb. They also tried to convince Squall to speak with Zell, but he refused.

One evening at Balamb.

After the dinner, Zell, Seifer, Ward and Maggie were watching a movie at the tv, when Zell yawned.

“I think I’m gonna go to bed. I’m tired.”

“Ok. Goodnight, Darling.”

“Goodnight Ma. Goodnight guys!”

 Ward and Seifer replied to him and the little blonde went upstairs. Zell was sharing his bedroom with Seifer. His mother let the guest room for Ward. Seeing him leaving, Seifer noticed Zell didn’t seem to feel very well tonight, so after twenty minutes, he left too, to join him.

“I’m sleepy. Gonna go to bed. Goodnight, Dad. Goodnight Maggie.”

“Have sweet dreams, Seifer.”

“Goodnight son.”

 

The two parents stayed together. Being alone without their kids, they began to feel a bit uncomfortable. They arrived about one week ago and it was the first time they were alone. The movie wasn’t interesting, so Maggie turned off the tv.

“Hum…I wondered if you would like to go for a walk with me on the town? Zell and Seifer are sleeping…” proposed shyly Maggie.

“Sure. With pleasure. It’s hot inside so it would be nice to have some fresh air. Let’s go.” Agreed Ward.

They closed the door behind them and started to walk in the streets. There weren’t a lot of people outside, just few older neighbors who wanted to have some fresh air too. They waved at Maggie when they saw her. The two of them went to the port.

“It’s really nice of you to welcome us at your home, Margaret. I didn’t know Balamb.”

“It’s a pleasure to have you as my guests. Feel free to stay as long as you want.”

“I don’t want to disturb you…”

“You absolutely don’t disturb me. You know…since my husband’s death, I stayed alone in this house. It became harder when Zell left for the Garden…”

“I can guess. I’m sorry for your husband.”

“Thank you. I’m glad Zell finally managed to visit his grave.”

“Yeah. You never remarried?”

“No…I lost my confidence with the time. It’s not like I was still young…”

“But you’re beautiful. Such a shame you never found someone.” Replied honestly Ward without even realizing how much embarrassing his words were.

Maggie blushed immediately. “Thanks…but you don’t have to compliment me, you know? I won’t throw you away…” she said trying to joke to hide her embarrassment.

“Did I say something wrong?” wondered Ward.

“What?”

“I mean…you’re blushing. Did I say something which makes you uncomfortable?”

“No! No, no…it’s just…you said I was beautiful so…”

“I meant it.”

“You don’t need to flatter me…” she said smiling. “I’m an old woman now.”

“I’m not a good liar, you know? I always say things as they are…I don’t think before speaking.”

“I like this side of you.” She said smiling.

It was Ward’s turn to blush. He decided to be honest. “Maggie, you know…there’s a long time I didn’t speak with a woman, so I’m sorry if I’m a bit awkward…”

“Zell told me about Seifer’s mother. You really loved her, right?”

“Yes. She was the only woman I ever cared in my whole life…and I wasn’t there when she needed help.”

“Ward…” She took his hand, still walking. “You accepted more than anyone could have accepted by love. She used you and despite of that, you continued to love her unconditionally until the end. That was her choice to leave, not yours…”

“I understand her. After all, I wasn’t the better match that she could have had…”

“You shouldn’t beat yourself up this way.” They went to sit on a bench, facing the ocean. “I understand your pain. You are windowed like me, even if we didn’t have the same experience…”

“How was your husband?”

She took the time to recall her memories. Her smile was full of melancholy. “He was…incredible. Actually, we grew up together. We were neighbors when we were young and he had been my first and only love. We began to date when we were teenagers and he promised to marry me. He left to make his military service and when he came back, he made his demand…”

“Such a romantic story. So, you never met another man before him?”

“No. I knew one single man in my life.” There was a light wind which made the weather cooler. “You know, when I understood I was sterile, I was scared to lose him. But he stayed by my side. He said he would love me forever…and we went to the orphanage to adopt Zell.”

“How did it happen with Zell?”

“Pretty well. When we arrived at the orphanage, he was the first child we saw. The poor angel was crying because his ice-cream fell on the floor. We found him so cute. We knew he was our child even before adopted him. He accepted us immediately. We were so happy…until the day my husband died in a car accident.”

“I can’t imagine how much it broke you and your son…”

“Yes. It was…terrible. If Zell hasn’t been there, I think I would have committed the irreversible…”

“Maggie…”

“I thought Zell was too young to understand what happened. During all this time, I thought as an idiot he was stronger than me…I never knew how much his father’s death broke him until he finally told me recently.”

“You never talked with him about this before?”

“No…it was a taboo. You know, as long as we didn’t think about it, we couldn’t feel the pain. That was what I thought…even if the pain was in our heart. He suffered in silence…and blamed himself during years…”

“Why did he blame himself?”

“Because the day my husband died, he went to the center of the town to get some medicine for Zell. My poor baby was sick so I asked to his father to go to the pharmacy after his work to stay by Zell’s side. It was a raining day and…a truck hit his car. Zell thought if he hadn’t been sick this day, his father would have come back to home immediately and he would be still alive…”

“He never told you what he thought?”

“No. he was afraid that I could hate him, so he kept it for himself. But he tortured himself because of this remorse. It was a accident. He couldn’t have known…but he blamed himself for this. It’s thanks to his therapy that he finally managed to confess me what he felt.”

“Poor kid…”

“Yes…that’s why he left the house for the Garden. I was terrified when he told me he wanted to become a seed. I prayed Hyne every day to protect him, so when his girlfriend died, I felt so useless…the nightmare started again…”

Listening to her, Ward began to understand what Zell meant when he said he saw himself through Seifer. He didn’t suspect the little blonde had suffered so much during his childhood.

“I’m really thankful to your son, Ward. Seifer helped Zell to get better. Nothing would have happened without him.”

“Well, I’m thankful to Zell too to have given me the opportunity to know that I had a son.”

She chuckled. “To tell you the truth, I was surprised at the beginning by their relationship. I mean, I lost count how many times Zell came back to home to complain about Seifer. He hated him…”

“It was at this point?”

“Yes. He bullied him all the time. Each time I saw Zell upset, it was because of Seifer!”

“It’s so hard to imagine it when you see them today…”

“Yes.” She agreed. “I have to confess you I was mad at Seifer after the war. Bullying my child was something but when I knew he tried to kill him more than once, I couldn’t accept it.”

“I understand…”

“But my hatred vanished when I saw him at Barhein. I want you to know that…I forgave him. Now I know he makes my son happy, I like him sincerely.”

“Thank you…but it doesn’t erase what he did during the war, unfortunately…”

“Do you…blame him for that?”

“Not him but myself. I should have been there for him and for his mother. He shouldn’t have fallen in the sorceress’s arms if only I’ve been there for him. When I think about this, I realized I could have killed my own child during this war…”

“You have another chance with him, Ward. Take it.”

“I wish it would be so simple, Maggie. But wherever I go, people remember his name and his face. Seifer is associated for his life to the sorceress…I’d like to protect him from everything and everyone…but it’s hard to face the people who lost their families and friends…it’s hard to be the father of a war criminal…and to not be able to explain to the people Seifer isn’t the same person anymore or he’s not entirely guilty. They don’t want to listen and I can’t blame them. But it’s hard to hear people talking about him this way…” Ward hid his face, ashamed. “I don’t know what to think anymore. When I see him, I just see my kid. An innocent child who never hurt anyone. But when I think about the war, I remember the way I was seeing him few years ago…I’m ashamed of myself.”

“Ward, nobody can understand your pain. You can’t go back in the past to change things. What is done is done. So you better focus on the good points and moments with your son.”

“But…it’s too easy to take care of him now I know he’s my child while I didn’t care at all when i didn’t know. I let him alone in this center knowing his situation and I absolutely didn’t mind. It’s too easy and…unfair for him.”

“You can’t carry everyone’s pain on your shoulders. It’s never too late…never.”

 

 

During this time, Zell and Seifer were at home. Zell heard Seifer joining few minutes after him, but he faked to be asleep. Seifer was sleeping on the floor. At the beginning, he didn’t want to disturb his friend. He hoped he would talk to him…but when he understood Zell wouldn’t make the first move, he did it.

“Zell?”

No answer. Seifer got up and moved closer to see if Zell was really asleep. The little blonde was on his back, snoring softly. Seifer caressed his cheek with his long fingers, but the other man didn’t react. He continued to touch his face gently, going down slowly. His fingers ran along the shape of his neck, then on his back, through his shirt. Seifer lay down, next to him, pressing his chest against Zell’s back. Their bodies were against each other. Zell continued to pretend to be asleep to hide his embarrassment, but he could feel Seifer’s erection rubbing against his buttocks.

 _“Damn! What am I supposed to do now?_ ” he wondered, a bit panicked. “ _If he continues this way, I won’t be able to contain myself anymore…”_

Seifer was breathing heavily, still touching Zell’s body through his clothes. He slipped one hand under his shirt and started to play with his nipples. They became hard quickly feeling the touch of his fingers. On the same time, he slid his other hand on his boxer, caressing Zell’s cock softly.

In this situation, Zell couldn’t barely fake to be asleep anymore, since he was moaning quietly. But he kept his eyes closed. It didn’t seem to bother the other blonde who continued to touch him. After some minutes of stimulation, he made Zell rolled on his back and went on the top of him. He lifted his shirt to admire his chest, still pinching his left nipple, and put down Zell’s boxer to expose his cock. The tattooed blonde was struggling but not fighting. Actually, he didn’t want to stop him since he was feeling so good. He felt a pressure on his organ and understood Seifer pressed his own against his to rub it together.

“ _Enough to run away…”_ he said to himself. He opened his eyes and saw Seifer on the top of him; He was too focused on his action than he didn’t notice Zell woke up. He got it when he felt Zell’s fingers on his chin.

 “What are you doing?” asked Zell, even if it was a rhetorical question.

“I..I’m sorry but…I wanted to do it so bad...”

“Seifer…we can’t..” murmured Zell.

“Why? I’m not a child…you told me I was an adult before. So there’s nothing wrong. We can do it.”

“But…” moaned Zell, containing his voice. “We..can’t do it…here. My..mom will hear us…”

“So let’s be quiet.” Saying that, Seifer released one of his hands to put it in Zell’s hair. He continued to pump their cocks together but he also kissed him tenderly. At the beginning, he just pressed his lips against his but he rapidly introduced his tongue inside of his mouth. He seemed to remember perfectly the way Zell kissed him the last time.

“Ah…i..can’t..breathe..” said Zell between groans.

“Sorry…” Seifer suddenly flinched when he felt the orgasm coming. He tried to restrain himself to come with Zell but he failed. “Mmh!”

Zell felt something cold leaking on his stomach and got it quickly Seifer came. It excited him even more, but he wasn’t close to the climax. Seifer was still hard so he didn’t stop stroking their cocks, but seeing Zell’s chest raising with his breaths gave him other desires. His head moved down to his torso and used his tongue on Zell’s left nipple.

“S..Stop! What..are you..doing?” blinked Zell.

The other blonde didn’t reply and sucked the nipple even more. The pleasant sensation made it harder, which gave him the desire to bite it.

“Ah! No! Don’t..bite..”

Seifer had been caught by the surprise when he saw Zell’s reaction. Usually, he didn’t feel anything on the left part of his body, so how could he have felt his teeth?

On the other side, Zell was lost in the pleasure. He wanted to scream but that was just impossible with his mother and Ward next to his bedroom. Actually, he didn’t know they left to have a walk together so nobody could hear them.

“Seif…please…enough..”

“Can you do it?” asked Seifer.

“What?”

“Can you do it at my place? My hand is tired..”

Zell nodded, blushing harder. Stopping right now without have come wasn’t an option. He used his right hand and was about to finish what Seifer started, when he felt his two nipples teased and pinched.

“Wait…st..stop it…”

Seifer pressed the two hard things between his fingers and kissed Zell again to keep him quiet. It worked pretty well because Zell stopped protesting and stayed focused on his action. But their position wasn’t comfortable. Seifer’s weight began to be heavy for Zell so, unconsciously, he moved back and spread his legs widely. But he realized quickly that this position was a bit too seductive when he felt Seifer’s balls in collision with his entrance.

“ _Oh God! What am I doing? In this position, my body seems begging him to fuck me!”_ said Zell to himself.

On the same time, Seifer lifted his body to take off his shirt. He was hot. When he finished, he used his tongue again to lick Zell’s salty flesh. He began with the chest, then the nipples, to reach the neck.

“Seif..you..could you roll on your back, please?”

“Why?”

“You..are a bit heavy..” lied Zell who wanted to change of position quickly.

Seifer nodded and grabbed him by the hips. He lay on his back and made Zell sit on the top of him. “Better?”

“Y..yeah…” replied the blonde, uncertain. “ _It’s even worse! Now it looks like I’m ridding him!”_

Seifer lifted just enough to stay at the same height than Zell. Their chests were pressing against each other. He let Zell doing the job, kissing his stomach gently. With his free hands, he was caressing his back from the shoulders to the hips.

 _“No, no…he’s not gonna touch my ass??”_ wondered Zell. But he didn’t finish to think that he felt Seifer’s hands grabbing his buttocks firmly. On the same moment, he went back to his left nipple to suck it.

“No! Stop…not there!” moaned Zell, when he finally reached the orgasm and came against Seifer’s stomach. “Aaah! Stop! Please…too m..much..”

Seifer didn’t stop immediately and waited to come to finally release him. He fell on his back, when Zell collapsed on his chest. During long minutes, nobody talked. Zell was stunned to see how far Seifer went this time, touching him this way.

“Zell?”

“What?”

“Did…i hurt you when I touched you?”

“Not really…I was just surprised. But why did you touch me this way?”

“Dunno…I wanted it.”

Zell moved away from him and rolled on his hip. “You can’t do whatever you want with someone else’s body, you know?”

“Sorry…but you could have told me if you didn’t like it…”

“I didn’t say that.”

“So…you liked it?”

Zell hid under his pillow. “Go back to your couch.”

“Can’t I stay on your bed?”

“It’s too small for two…and it’s hot. We’re gonna sweat even more if we stay close this way.”

“I don’t mind.”

“But I do. Go back to your couch.” Replied firmly Zell.

Seifer was disappointed but he obeyed, reluctantly. When he came back to his bed, he stared at Zell from his place. “You’re mad at me?”

“No.”

“Yes you are. I know you argued with Squall because of me.”

Zell turned the light on to see him. “What are you talking about?”

“I heard Quisty talking with you the last time. She said Squall didn’t want to talk with you…It’s because of me, right?”

“That’s Squall’s fault, not yours.”

“But you argued with him because of me.”

“I argued with him because of him, not because of you. Squall is selfish and nasty. I don’t need him.”

“You’re lying…”

Zell got up from his bed and joined Seifer on the floor, lying at his side. “Why are you saying that?”

“Because I see you miss Squall. You look sad lately. I’m sorry if I did something wrong…”

“Seifer…” Zell caressed his hair with tenderness. “That’s true I’m a bit sad but it’s not because I miss Squall. Actually, I’m angry against him.”

“Why?”

“Because he kinda hates you and he blamed me to not hate you.”

“Why does he hate me that bad?”

“A lot of things happened between you and Squall.” He ran his finger on his scar. “This scar on your face…he has the same on the other side. You two hurt each other during a duel. You were the one who hurt him first.”

“So he hates me because of this?”

“Not just that…as I told you, a lot of things happened, especially during the war.”

“But why are you sad?”

“I’m sad because I wish he could have stopped hating you after all what you did for me. Our friends came to see you…but not him. Whatever happened, it belongs to the past. I thought he could have done this at least for me and be thankful to you for your precious help…but he’s too selfish for this. It makes me sad because I wouldn’t have reacted this way if I would have been at his place. I thought our friendship was stronger than that…but I was wrong.”

Seifer hugged him tightly. “You don’t need him. I’m here.”

“Yes…you’re right. As long as you stay by my side, I don’t need anyone else.”

 

* * *

 

One week later.

Zell went back to Barhein as promised, to continue his therapy with Elise. Ward, Seifer and his mother accompanied him. It was the third time since he left the center that he came back here.

“Hello Zell. How are you?”

“Hi Elise. Nice to see you. I’m fine, thanks.”

“Take a seat.”

They sat facing each other. Elise opened her note book and read quickly what she wrote the last time.

“So, tell me. How are you doing?”

“It’s ok. Really. I’m feeling better. Quistis, Selphie, Irvine, Rinoa and Matron visited me and Seifer at Balamb.”

“Good. But what about Squall?”

Zell lost his smile abruptly. “No…he didn’t come.”

“Did he call you at least?”

“No.”

“Have you tried to make the first step?”

“No.”

“Why? This situation is clearly painful for you. Why don’t you try to talk to him?”

“Because I don’t know why I should make the first step. He’s the one who made a mess with this thing with Seifer. Everyone understood but not him. Does he think he is so perfect?”

Elise shook her head sadly. “It’s not just a question of ego, Zell. If you didn’t try to talk with him, it’s also for another reason, don’t you?”

Zell kept quiet, refusing to answer her immediately. She restarted the conversation.

“You don’t look angry, but depressed when we talk about Squall. The last time you came to see me, you even refused to talk about him. At this time, I could see anger…but now, the only thing I see in your eyes is pain.”

“Seifer told me the same thing.”

“He noticed it too?”

“Yes. He felt guilty because he thought it was his fault if Squall and I argued.”

“What did you tell him?”

“I said it wasn’t his fault but Squall’s one.”

“I see.” She wrote something and asked again other questions. “Why does it affect you so much, Zell?”

“It doesn’t affect me.”

“It does. I don’t think you would have felt so hurt if you have argued with someone else. Tell me.”

“I don’t deny it bothers me, but it didn’t break my heart or something like that as you can think.”

“Why do you deny it?”

“What?”

“Why do you deny this argument with Squall affects you? There’s no shame to be hurt, Zell…”

“Because…if I admit it, I would give him right and I don’t want to.”

She wrote few words on her book. She seemed to have understood something. “You don’t have to choose between them, Zell.”

“What do you mean?”

“I understand what is bothering you that much in this situation. Actually, Squall always has been your best friend. You love your other friends, of course, but you had a special bond with Squall. But when you entered at Barhein and met Seifer here, you developed another bond with Seifer…”

“And?”

“And with this argument, Squall kinda forced you to make a choice between him and Seifer.”

“He didn’t force me…”

“He did when he blamed you to have been so kind with his enemy. You defended Seifer when Squall insulted him because you care about Seifer…but doing that, you broke the bond you had with Squall.”

“…”

“You know, I recalled our previous conversations. I remember you told me Seifer used to be particularly nasty with you and Squall. Am I right?”

“Yes and so?”

“I think you know what I mean. You and Squall hated him, more than the others. This hatred you shared together against Seifer made you become close with Squall.”

“We never have been close with Squall.”

“Yes. You told me he used to be cold with you. He never shook your hand and always avoided you. But was it still like this after the war?”

Zell frowned, thinking about this. He tried to recollect his memories. “No…actually, it’s true that we…became close after the war. Now you mention it, we trained together…and he even took his meal with me sometimes.”

“Do you remember your conversations with him at this time?”

“We talked about a lot of things…”

“Did you ever talk with him about Seifer?”

“…yes. Few days after our victory against Ultimecia, we met at the training center late on the night. We fought some monsters together…”

“What happened after that?”

“We went to the secret area to have some rest. It’s a balcony at the background of the training center. People like to go there to flirt or to have some privacy.”

“Ok. So you had a talk with him?”

“Yes. He asked me if I ever saw Seifer at Balamb city; I said no and he told me he was relieved to see him far away from the Garden and from Rinoa. I agreed with him…”

“And?”

“And…we recalled the time when Seifer was there with us. We recalled what happened during the war…and Squall confessed me what he did to him at D-District Prison.”

“You talk about the torture?”

“Yes. He told me Seifer used electricity to torture him. But he also did something else…”

“Something else?”

“Yes. He tortured him…sexually.”

Elise blinked. “Do you mean that…Seifer raped Squall?”

“No. he didn’t go that far. But he circumcised him raw.”

“Oh…” Elise blushed, imagining the scene. “I suppose it had been terrible for Squall…”

“Yes. He never told it to anyone but he confessed it to me.”

“Why you?”

“I think he needed to tell it to someone…Kadowaki cured him so he’s fine now. But it traumatized him because he really thought Seifer was about to emasculate him or to rape him. It was the first time in my life I had seen Squall so fragile…”

“What did you feel about Seifer when you discovered what he did to Squall?”

“I hated him even more. He hurt my best friend and I couldn’t forgive him. Squall made me promise to never say that to anyone, so please…”

“Everything you said is confidential, Zell. I won’t say anything to anyone. You don’t have to worry for that.”

“Thanks…”

“So, after that confession, what happened?”

“We became close with Squall. We never talked about this again but each time someone mentioned Seifer’s name at the Garden, we shared the same look, the same feelings and the same hatred toward him.”

“Why did you hate Seifer that much at the Garden? Was it just because he bullied you?”

“Seifer didn’t just bully me at the Garden. He also disgraced me all the time. When I was trying to seduce a girl, he always made me lost my confidence saying that I was pitiful, that I was too ugly…I doubted about myself and I renounced every time I met a girl. I ran away because I didn’t want to be mocked. Squall knew it but he never interfered in the past to defend me. But when he confessed me what happened in D-District, he also apologized to not have done anything to defend me when he saw Seifer abusing me verbally…”

“Did you ever think about this when you became friend with Seifer here?”

“Sometimes…but I forgave him. He wasn’t the same person and at his age, he hadn’t done these horrible things yet, so…”

“What about Squall? Did you think about him at this time?”

Zell looked down. “I have to confess that I never thought about him during the time I was with Seifer here…”

“That’s why it’s so hard for you today to deal with this pain, right?”

“…”

“Do you understand what Squall could have felt when he saw you so close with Seifer?”

“I do. He felt that I betrayed him…”

“Do you think the same way?”

“At the beginning, no. But with the time, I began to realize he wasn’t completely wrong…”

“So, actually, you’re not mad against Squall because he refused to forgive Seifer, but against yourself. You’re torn between your loyalty for Squall and your feelings for Seifer.”

“I guess…”

“Zell. Until now, you’ve tried to balance your feelings for the both of your friends without hurting them…but you should have known it would be impossible. Whoever you would have chosen, the other one would have suffered…”

“But…you said I didn’t have to choose between them earlier?”

“I said that because the feelings you have for Squall and Seifer are different.”

“No. They’re both my friends.”

“No, Zell. You share a strong friendship with Squall, but love with Seifer.”

The tattooed man rolled his eyes, irritated. “How many times should I tell you I’m not going out with Seifer?”

“You’re gonna pretend nothing else happened since the last time between you two?”

“…”

“I knew you two wouldn’t be able to contain yourselves.”

“We haven’t had sex…”

“But you masturbated together again, right?”

“…yes.”

“That’s exactly why I told you I wasn’t reassured to see you leaving with Seifer. With the time, it’s gonna go further and you know it.”

“It won’t happen…”

“It will happen again. Stop lying to yourself. You know I’m not judging you. But that’s not safe to persist on this complicated relationship…”

“I know but…”

“But you can’t stop. Isn’t it?”

“Sort of…” Zell felt terribly ashamed. “I hurt Seifer…I hurt Squall. But I love them so much…I don’t know what to do, Elise…”

“Zell, listen: I understand what you can feel toward Squall. But this isn’t your fault. You didn’t choose to fall in love with Seifer. You should stop feeling guilty because you didn’t betray him. Squall needs to talk about this to be able to turn the page. He’s the one who has a problem with that…”

“If you insinuate that Squall should do a therapy, stop wasting your time. He will never agree to do this.”

“So, does it mean that you have to suffer with him because he refuses to heal his pain?”

“…”

“Zell, the selfish one here is Squall, not you. He can’t ask you to hate someone you love because he’s suffering.”

“I know…but I can’t help to feel guilty. I turned my back on my friend for his enemy. But I can’t blame Seifer in his state…”

“Would it be easier if Seifer would be normal? Would you prefer it?”

“For Squall, yes.”

“I’m asking it for you.”

“For me?...no.”

“Why?”

“Because he would become the person I hated again…I would lose him and I don’t want to. It’s selfish. I had this conversation with Ward. He thinks the same way…”

“Is it actually right?”

“What?”

“Are you telling me that you wouldn’t like to see Seifer normal again?”

“I don’t get it…”

“A part of you wants to keep the child by your side. But another one wants to find the adult.”

“The adult who bullied me, you mean?”

“No. The adult who would love you and who would give you what you want.”

“…”

“I understand it’s not something you can tell out loud, Zell. But you can’t hide this from me.”

Zell blushed harder. He wanted to hide in a hole to have these sorts of feelings, but he couldn’t help it. So many emotions were mixed in his head that sometimes it drove him crazy.

“What…should I do with Squall?”

“Would you like I talk with him?”

“No. If you do that, he would know that I told you what Seifer did to him…”

“So, what do you want?”

“What do I want? I want…to have my friends by my side. All of them.”

“Then, you must give more time to Squall. He needs to deal with his own pains before coming back to you.”

“But I want to help him…”

“You wouldn’t help him forcing him to accept Seifer. Don’t ask him too much.”

“So…that’s what is it? If I stay with Seifer, I lose Squall but if I choose Squall, I lose Seifer?”

“I ask you again: what do you want?”

“I…don’t know.”

“You do.”

“But if I say it, i…”

“That wouldn’t mean you love one of them more than the other one. It just means that you care about him differently. So, what do you want the most, Zell?”

“I want…Seifer.”

She smiled at him. “Was it so hard to say?”

“Yes…”

“Zell, love is something more important than friendship. This choice you made, Squall already did it when he met Rinoa.”

“?”

“Didn’t he risk his life in space to rescue her? Did he leave the Garden without telling you to bring her to Esthar?”

“Yes but…”

“Did he ever wonder what would you have felt if he had died? He perfectly knew the consequences it could have had on his friends, but his reason gave him the strength to override it, by love. Did you ever complain about this?”

“No…”

“Did you ever see some remorse in Squall’s attitude?”

“No.”

“So, why should you feel guilty to have feelings for Seifer because of him?”

Hearing this point of view, Zell began to realize Elise was right. He never took the time to think that way before and it helped him to feel better.

“Squall was ready to leave you behind with all of his friends to save Rinoa. All of you understood him and accepted his decision. Why should it be different for you?”

“Because I’m ready to renounce on them for our former enemy…”

“No, Zell. Seifer isn’t the same man. He’s not your former enemy but the child who grew up with you. A kid who never has done anything wrong and who saved you from yourself. That’s why you love him.”

“Maybe…”

“Be selfish for once and think about yourself first. If Squall really cares about you as he pretends, he will understand he can’t ask you to hate Seifer just to make him feel better. He needs to cure his pain instead of hiding it this way. Don’t carry this weight on your shoulders, Zell. You already have enough difficulties to deal with your own pains, you don’t need to take someone else’s problems.”

Zell laughed.

“What is so funny?”

“That’s exactly what Squall used to say when people asked him why he was so cold with everyone. He always said he couldn’t take the others’ problems because he had to deal with his own ones…”

“Then, it applied for him too.”

“I guess you’re right…”

She closed her note book and removed her glasses. “I think that’s enough for today.”

“Ok.”

“I see you in two weeks?”

“Sure.”

“Good. Are you going to stay with Seifer at Esthar?”

“I don’t know. I thought we could travel and visit Fisherman’s Horizons. I came with Ward and my mother so it would be nice.”

“Sounds great.” She chuckled.

“What?”

“It looks like a family trip.”

“Family trip?”

“Yes. You, Seifer, Ward and your mother. You look like a real family.”

“Well, I can’t deny it.”

“Do Ward and your mother get along?”

“Yes. They pass a lot of time together talking and cooking. I think Ward asks her a lot of advices to raise Seifer…and Ma loves cooking so he’s the perfect test subject for her new recipes.”

“It’s a good thing for them too. I think they should feel lonely after have lost their lover…I suppose they understand each other’s pain.”

“Definitely.” Agreed Zell. Actually, he noticed Ward and his Ma got close since they came to Balamb.

“Does it bother you?”

“What?”

“To see your mother close to Ward, I mean.”

“No…I don’t think they reach that point yet.”

“But if they do?”

“I don’t know…I will think about this when this time will come. But I will never oppose to my mother’s happiness anyway. Besides, Ward is a good man, so I don’t think it would bother me…”

“What about Seifer?”

“You mean if it would bother him?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Well, it’s good to hear. Take care of you and don’t hesitate to call me if you need to talk, ok?”

“Sure. Thanks for your help.”

“You’re welcome.” She shook his hand and let him go. “Please, think about what I said, Zell. Be selfish and think about yourself first.”

“I will try. Bye, Elise.”

“See you in two weeks.”

 

They said goodbye to each other, before returning to their routine. Elise closed the door after Zell’s departure and went back to her desk. She took her phone and composed a number.

 

_“Balamb Garden. What can I do for you?”_

“Commander Leonhart for Doctor Garnet, from Barhein center, please.”

_“Just a minute please…”_

“I’m waiting.”

After some seconds, Elise heard another voice. _“Doctor Garnet? Commander Leonhart is speaking.”_

“Good evening, Commander. My apologies to call you so suddenly. I hope I don’t disturb you?”

_“No, don’t worry. But I’m surprised about your call. What can I do for you?”_

“I would like to have a talk with you but not at the phone. President Loire told me you would come soon to Esthar, right?”

_“Yes. I plan to visit my sister in a week. Why?”_

“Would you accept to meet me in the week? I can come to the Palace if you want.”

_“It’s fine. I can come to the center. But why do you want to see me?”_

“That’s not easy to talk about it at the phone so…we better wait for our meeting if you don’t mind.”

_“Is it related to Zell?”_

She stayed quiet. She didn’t want to reply because he would refuse to see her. But on the other side, she knew Squall had some doubts about her call.

_“Don’t bother to reply, I got it. What’s wrong with him?”_

“I finished my session with him and he is very affected by the argument you had with him the last time.”

_“No offence Doctor Garnet, but that doesn’t concern you.”_

“I’m afraid it does. This situation is complicating my work and Zell wouldn’t be able to get better if you two don’t talk.”

_“Listen, I’m thankful for you did for him, but I repeat myself: that’s not your damn business.”_

“That’s why I’d prefer to meet you in person instead of talking at the phone. There’re some things I’d like to tell you that it can’t be said at the phone…please.”

_“…”_

“Commander Leonhart?”

_“I’m here. I was thinking.”_

“Please. I’m not judging you at all. But there’re a lot of thing that happened during Zell’s convalescence that I didn’t tell you. I prefer to meet you. It won’t be long, I promise.”

_“Doctor Garnet, Zell doesn’t need me anymore and I don’t think he misses me at all.”_

“He cares about you more than you can imagine. Please. I ask you just a single meeting. That’s all.”

After some minutes of hesitation, Squall finally agreed. _“Alright. I’ll come to the center Wednesday on the morning. Is that good for you?”_

“Perfect! Thank you.” She said happily.

_“Fine…so, how was he today?”_

“You mean Zell?”

_“Yes.”_

“He looks good physically but as I told you, he was a bit depressed thinking about you…”

_“I suppose he found comfort quickly in this bastard’s arms…”_

“Mister Leonhart, don’t be so bitter toward Seifer please.”

_“I’m sorry for my language. I’ll see you Wednesday then.”_

“Ok. Thanks again.”

Then, they hung up. Elise noted her rendezvous. She knew she shouldn’t interfere in Zell and Squall’s problems but on the other side, nothing would change if she wouldn’t do something. She had some regrets to do it in Zell’s back, but it was for his good.


	6. Chapter 6

Squall arrived at Barhein center as promised to meet Elise. He wondered why it was so important for her to talk with him. He didn’t have the impression that his presence or even his friendship with Zell was necessary to help him. He seemed to be fine without him…and it was exactly what hurt the most. He used to be close to Zell…until he met Seifer again. He refused to admit it, but he missed him terribly. He would never say it out loud. He was too proud for this.

He waited for his turn, in the waiting room, when Elise came to see him.

“Good morning, Mister Leonhart. Thanks for being here.”

“Let’s end this quickly, will you?”

“Sure. Let’s go in my office.”

Squall nodded and followed her. He sat in the chair in front of her. “Why did you want to see me that bad?”

“Well, as you know, we continue our sessions with Zell. But I heard you two haven’t seen each other since he left Barhein. Is that true?”

“Is that a rhetorical question? You perfectly know the answer so be straight and tell me what you want.”

Elise kept her self-control. Squall wasn’t as difficult as Zell was when he arrived here, but it wasn’t easy to deal with someone like him either. She had to make him talk about Seifer and one session wouldn’t probably be enough to make him admit what the former sorceress’ knight did to him.

“Zell misses you more than you can think. Why don’t you want to make up with him?”

“That’s not your business. Is that all?” Squall got up and walked toward the exit.

“Mister Leonhart. I’m not done. Come back here please.”

Squall rolled his eyes and went back to his chair, pissed. “So make it quick!”

“Why does it bother you that much that Zell and Seifer could be friends?”

“Are you kidding me??”

“No. That’s a real question.”

“Wanna know why? Dunno…maybe because he fucking tried to kill all of us, that he fucking ruined my life since I met him, that he tortured me, that he threw Rinoa to Adel, that he kidnapped my sister, destroyed Trabia Garden and also tried to destroy the Bgu, killing a lot of students there in the attack…”

“Ok, so to be short, because of what he did during the war, I got it. But why it bothers you that much when everybody forgave him? It looks personal, am I wrong?”

Squall glared at her, as if he wanted to guess something, fixing her. “What do you try to make me say?”

“You’re not the only one that Seifer hurt during this war. Your friends had been hurt too, without talking about Zell.”

“They hadn’t been tortured.”

“Zell has been beaten during your detention, remember?”

“…”

“Of course, there’s no similarity. Being electrified is a thousand time more painful than being beaten…”

“…”

Elise tried to make him react. Of course Squall wouldn’t tell her what Seifer did to him but she tried. His friendship with Zell was already down so it couldn’t be worse.

“Let me be clear: I’m not trying to excuse Seifer for his actions. But it seems that you hate him more than anyone. You’re a strong man with the perfect self-control. Your father and Zell talked to me a lot about you, so it’s hard for me to see you acting this way toward Zell. I mean, I expected a reaction coming from you for Seifer, maybe even some hatred but more…indifference.”

“Are you searching a new patient or something? Because I’m not interested.”

“A therapy is always useful to express some…deepest feelings.”

“I repeat myself: what are you trying to make me say?”

She changed tactics. “Ok, what did you feel when you saw that Zell cared that much about Seifer?”

“That’s enough. You piss me off.” Squall got up and began to leave.

Elise knew she was losing the control of the situation. She couldn’t make him stay. He wasn’t her patient so he owed her nothing, so she tried a last card. “Admit it, Mister Leonhart!”

“What should I admit?” he asked, near of the door, turning his back to face her.

She reached his side quickly. “Admit it: you’re angry against Zell because you wanted to see him hating Seifer as he used to do.”

“You’re insane.”

“You can’t support it, right? You hate to see that Zell’s feelings changed. You can’t accept that people think differently from you.”

“No. That’s not true!”

“So why are you running away from me when I ask you this? Why don’t you want to answer?”

“I OWE YOU NOTHING! I ACCEPTED TO COME HERE BECAUSE YOU ASKED ME!” he yelled, furious.

She stopped accusing him. He reached his breaking point, so she talked calmly again. “Why did you come here?”

Squall was trying to recover his self-control, but he was so stressed that he couldn’t calm down.

“You’re here because you know that Zell needs you to get better. A part of you is angry against him, but another one wants to keep this precious friendship. You care and you’re worried about him, that’s why you came here.”

“I never said that I hated Zell.”

“I know and you presence proves how much you treasure his friendship.”

“…”

“Mister Leonhart, I’m here to cure Zell, but I also can help you. The war let deep scars in your heart and I suppose you kept a lot of things for yourself but you have to express it to be able to enjoy your life.”

“I don’t need a therapy.”

“Actually, I think you need it. Don’t you want to improve your relationships with your father and your friends?”

After a long silence, Squall approached, still fixing Elise in the eyes. “He told you, right?”

“What?”

“Zell. He told you what Seifer did to me in D-District Prison. Am I wrong?”

Elise lost her composure. Squall was really observant. “I beg your pardon?”

“Spare me this little game. You want me to confess something you already know. How long have you known it?”

“…”

“I knew that I shouldn’t have said that to him. He’s too stupid to keep his fucking big mouth closed…”

“Mister Leonhart…”

“I got it. You wanted to make me admit that Seifer circumcised me during our detention. And after that, you would have proposed me to make a therapy to release me from my pain, right?” he asked with irony.

“I just want to help you…”

Now, Squall was really upset. He moved so close to her that he could have kissed her. But his eyes were so full of hatred that he even didn’t think about this.

“Listen carefully, Doctor Garnet because I’ll say it once: I’ll never forgive Seifer for what he did to me. Zell can do or think whatever he wants, I’ll never forget or forgive, even for him. Yes, I care about Zell. Yes, he’s important for me and yes I treasure his friendship. I could do anything for him or for my friends…but forgiving Seifer is the only thing I refuse to do. If he really likes me as I do, he wouldn’t even ask me this, so if things have to be this way, i don’t care and no one would make me change my mind, even you, how talented you could be.”

 

Then, Squall left the place, slamming the door behind him. Elise looked down. She failed. For the first time in her life, she failed. Squall was definitely more affected by this than she thought. Now, he wouldn’t come back to her office anymore. She wasted her only chance to reconcile the two friends and also to help Squall. But without him, Zell would never be able to be cured entirely.

 

* * *

 

Two weeks later.

Zell, Seifer and Ward came back to Esthar. Maggie came with them. She wanted to be there for her son and she really enjoyed Ward’s company. It was also the occasion for Ward to visit Laguna and Kiros.

Before his session with Elise, Zell went to the commercial center. Seifer came with him. But to not draw the attention on him, Seifer was wearing a cap. They were walking looking around them to be sure to not be attack.

“You know, Dad talks a lot with your mom lately.”

“Yes I noticed.”

“Do you think they…”

Zell didn’t let him the time to finish his sentence that he guessed what he meant. “Does it bother you?”

“What about you?”

“I asked you first.”

Seifer kicked a little stone on the floor, still walking by Zell’s side. “No. It would be great…”

“Really?”

“Yes. This way…we could be a real family if they marry.”

Zell didn’t reply. Actually, he didn’t know what to say. He didn’t think about this before and it made him uncomfortable because he lied to Ward and to his Ma. Seifer and he didn’t have this sort of relationship. Everyone except Elise thought they were just good friends, almost brothers.

“Zell?”

“Yes?” blinked Zell when he finally heard Seifer calling his name.

“What’s wrong? You look strange…”

“Nothing. I was just thinking about us…as a family.” He said laughing.

Seifer felt unsecured. “Oh…you don’t want to? Does it bother you for your mom and Dad?”

“No. It would be nice to see them together.”

 “So…what is it?”

They went to a little park and sat on a bench. Some kids were playing, watched by their parents. Other people were talking or walking together.

“If we become a family, there’re some things that we can’t do…”

Seifer got quickly what he was referring to. “You mean…the things we did together with…our bodies?”

Zell blushed. “Seifer…we can’t do this anymore. We have to stop.”

“But…it’s not bad, isn’t it?”

“It is bad.”

“Oh…but you told me you liked it?”

Zell sighted. “That’s not what I mean. It was good, I mean it feels good…”

“So what?”

“It’s just not…right. I mean, friends aren’t supposed to do that together and it would be even worse being brothers.”

“But if they marry, we won’t be really brothers…I mean, just step-brothers so it’s ok.”

Zell was out of arguments. Seifer was too young in his head to understand, but he had to make him give up on him, because he knew he wouldn't be able to do it himself.

“Seifer. What…we did is called sex. And sex is something normal for lovers, but not for friends or family, even step-family. People around us don’t know we did it and they would be shocked if they knew it. That’s why we must stop.”

The tall blonde looked the ground, lost and worried. “But…if we become lovers, we could do sex, right?”

“We’re not lovers and we won’t become lovers.”

“Why?”

“Because we are friends.”

“Can’t we be friends and lovers?”

“No, we can’t.”

“Why?”

As every child, Seifer asked all the time why. He couldn’t understand things like that, which put Zell in a difficult position.  

“Because you’re a child.”

Seifer took the time to think about this. “So, it means that, if I were normal as before, we could become lovers?”

“Well, technically yes, but…”

“What?”

Zell became sad, recalling Seifer’s attitude when they were young or at the Garden. “You will never love me as a lover if you become normal again, because you always hated me. If your memories come back, then our friendship would be over and you would become the man I used to know. We would be back to our previous rivalry…”

“No I won’t!”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I’m sure I wouldn’t hate you. I don’t remember how I was with you before, but I will never hurt you now we’re friends! Never!”

Zell smiled sadly. He wanted to believe him so bad, but it was impossible. Seifer would never be kind and gentle as he was right now if he would become an adult again. But to not hurt Seifer’s feelings, he lied.

“I believe in you.”

But the kid wasn’t convinced at all. “No you don’t.”

“?”

“I can see you don’t believe me. You’re the worst liar it could exist, you know?”

“Yeah…sorry.”

Seifer took Zell’s hand. “Zell, why can’t we be lovers now, even if I’m not normal? I mean, I will grow up, I will become an adult soon so…”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t. It doesn’t mean that we’re not friends anymore. But I just want to stay friends. Please. Besides, you’re too young to understand what love is.”

Seifer looked really hurt. It wasn’t like they had sex a lot, but knowing that he couldn’t touch him anymore gave him the impression that Zell put a barrier between them. Each time he did it with him, Seifer felt a bit closer to his friend. But now, it was as if they moved away slowly from each other. He began to wonder if it was related to the relationship between Maggie and Ward.

“As you wish…” agreed Seifer depressed.

“Thanks. We should go back now.”

They left the center of town and went back to the presidential palace. Zell took a taxi and reached Barhein center to have his session with Elise.

 

 

Seifer stayed with Ward at the palace. His father noticed something was wrong with his kid, so he joined him in his bedroom to talk with him.

“Seifer?”

“I’m here.”

Ward came in. His son was reading a book, sat on the floor. He approached and sat at his side.

“What’s wrong, son? Did you have a fight with Zell?”

“No.”

“But you look depressed. Tell me what’s wrong.”

Seifer closed his book. He recalled his conversation with Zell and refused to give up on him this way. He agreed to please him, but it wasn’t what he wanted. What he wanted was to be close to him. Even if he didn’t understand the meaning of the word "lovers", he understood it was something more important than friendship, so there was no way he would just stay his friend…even if he had to do something bad to keep Zell close to him.

“You and Maggie…became really close, didn’t you?”

Ward blushed. “Well, she’s nice…” he replied with embarrassment.

“Do you love her?”

The tall man became completely red, wondering what he was supposed to reply. “Hum…you know, we are just friends. That’s all.”

“So…you won’t marry her?”

Maggie and Ward weren’t going out but they were flirting. Marriage wasn’t something they thought but it was obvious, even for a child, that there was more than friendship between them.

“No, but…does it bother you if I love Maggie?”

Seifer looked down. He didn’t want to break his father’s heart, but he thought it was the reason why Zell wanted to keep him away.

“Yes.”

Ward looked lost. He didn’t expect this reaction from his son. He thought he would be happy for him and wondered why it bothered him that much.

“Why?”

“Because…Maggie will replace Mommy…and I don’t want to see someone take Mommy’s place. Maggie is nice and I like her, but she’s not my mom…” lied the kid.

His father kept silent. He hadn’t considered Seifer’s feelings when he began to flirt with Maggie. He was feeling guilty.

“Are you angry, Dad?”

Ward stroked Seifer’s hair with affection. “No, I’m not, don’t worry. I suppose I should have come to talk with you before. I didn’t know you thought this way. But farewell, Maggie and I will stay friends.”

“Thank you.”

“No need to thank me, son. I’m sorry to not have asked you this sooner, but you’re my priority, so I’ll think about you first.” He kissed his forehead tenderly. “I’ve something to do right now. I see you later?”

“Yes. Thank you.”

Then, Ward left the room and closed the door behind him. Seifer pressed his legs against his chest to hide his face, ashamed. “I’m so sorry, Dad…”

 

* * *

 

During this time, Zell was with Elise for his session.

“So, you begin to feel some sensation on the left part of your body?”

“I guess. I can’t move my arm or my hand but I have more sensations now. I wonder if I would recover my mobility one day…”

“I suppose you miss training? You were a martial artist after all.”

“There’re so many thing I miss…”

“You’re talking about Squall?”

Zell sighted. “Yes. He hasn’t called me. I sent him several messages but he never answered.”

“I see…” she wrote something. She had no intention to tell him that she met Squall about two weeks ago. Zell would react badly and would feel betrayed.

“Tell me. How are things with Seifer?”

“Fine, I guess. At least…until today.”

“Did you have a fight?”

“No.”

“Did you have other interaction?” she asked referring to the masturbation.

“No…and I made it clear with him today that it won’t happen again.”

“Ah?”

“Well, I kinda asked him to stop doing these things with me. I mean, I never made the first move with him. It was always him, but I want to put an end to this.”

“So, you “broke” with him?”

“It’s not like we were going out. We just masturbated together…but yes.”

“How did he react?”

“Not really good. He was really sad.”

“What did you tell him exactly?”

“I told him what we were doing was sex and it was something that only lovers could do.”

“And?”

“And…he asked me if we could become lovers. I said no because I explained we were friends, and he demanded me if we could be friends and also lovers…”

She noted everything, still listening.

“And I told him we couldn’t because he was a child.” Zell stopped speaking. He looked particularly disheartened.

“And?”

“He…he wondered if I could wait for him until he grows up but I told him I wanted to stay friends.”

Elise knew there was something else which disturbed him.

“What else? There’s more. Tell me.”

“You know…he asked me if we could become lovers if he was normal. I told him something which probably hurt him…but it was what I thought. I couldn’t lie to him…”

“What did you say?”

“I told him that if he was normal, he wouldn’t love me because he always hated me.”

“Oh…”

“He said he wouldn’t hate me even if he would be an adult again, but I didn’t believe him. Even if I tried to lie saying that I trusted him, he knew I didn’t think what I said.”

“Why does it affect you that much?”

“Because…I made him feel guilty for something he doesn’t recall. I can’t blame him for his attitude in the past, but it’s exactly what I’m doing…”

After a pause, Elise stayed focused on Zell’s reasons. “Tell me. Why did you want to change the nature of your relationship with Seifer so suddenly?”

“I don’t understand. What do you mean?”

“We can’t actually consider your physical relationship with Seifer as sex, but even if you were a bit ashamed because of his innocence and his age, you didn’t really mind until now, so why now? What did you want to stop this?”

“Because it’s not right…”

“You don’t answer to my question. I told you more than once than in your state it wasn’t right to do this with Seifer, but your desire was too strong to resist. Tell me.”

Zell kept his eyes down, fixing the things on her desk to avoid her. “My mom and Ward are flirting…”

“Oh, really? We talked about it the last time but I thought it wasn’t serious…”

“I don’t think they’re going out but it becomes serious, I guess.”

“And?”

“I don’t know. I have the impression to betray Ward’s trust doing this with Seifer. It wouldn’t be good to continue this way and to go even further with him if we become step-brothers…”

This explanation didn’t seem to convince entirely Elise. She knew there was something else which pushed Zell to put an end in his relationship with Seifer.

“There’s more.”

“What? “frowned Zell, surprised.

“You know there’s another reason which made you take this decision.”

“I don’t think so…”

“Take your time to think about this.” Elise understood it was something unconscious.

“I don’t know what you mean…really.”

“Ok, let’s talk about your feelings. You will get it soon. You mentioned the feeling of the guilt toward Ward, right?”

“Yes…”

“Is that all? Is it just with Ward?”

“No. I mean, with my mother, my friends and Squall…” Zell froze immediately when he pronounced the last name. “Squall…”

“Here we are.” Smiled Elise.

“But…I chose Seifer! Squall refuses to listen or to talk to me and…”

“But you feel guilty to have chosen Seifer knowing what he did to Squall and knowing that it was really important for your friend to count on your support.”

Zell took the time to think about it over and over again. He had no word to explain his own feelings because he wasn’t capable to understand it himself.

“You try to push Seifer away from you unconsciously to bring Squall back to you without losing Seifer on the same time. You’re looking for forgiveness from Squall.”

“Do you think so?”

“I don’t doubt that the relationship between your mother and Ward is also a reason, but the first one is Squall. It’s something you decided unconsciously.”

“But I even didn’t think about this.”

“Zell. Since your departure, we passed 50% of the time to speak about Squall. When I ask you about him, you look miserable. See, even when we talked about your physical condition, you mentioned Squall when we spoke about the things you missed. You’re torn apart between your friendship with him, but you’re terrified to lose Seifer on the same time.”

“So…I’m trying to keep both of them?”

“Yes. That’s what you’re trying to do, keeping Seifer as your friend and bringing Squall back to you putting distance with Seifer.”

“Damn…I even didn’t realize it.”

“Do you think it’s effective?”

“No. I think I just do it without conscience. It doesn’t change the fact that Squall is still angry against me. The only way to be friend with him again would be to give up and hate Seifer again…and it’s something that I refuse to do.”

Elise suddenly got an idea. She opened discreetly the drawer of her desk and pressed a button of a machine.

“Let’s talk about Squall.”

 

* * *

 

 Since Maggie accompanied Zell, Ward and Seifer, she stayed at the presidential palace with them. She didn’t like to stay without doing something, so she went to the kitchen and cooked all the day. She was washing her hands when she heard someone coming. She turned around.

“Oh, Ward! How are you?”

“Hi Maggie. What are you doing?”

“I just finished cooking. It’s good you’re here because I’d like you taste my cookies. I changed the recipe…” but she noticed that Ward wasn’t in the mood to taste it. He looked sad.

“Ward? What’s wrong?”

“hum…we need to talk, please.”

“Sure…but about what?”

“Us.”

Maggie blushed. There was a long time since she hadn’t been with a man. The flirting game with Ward was nice but the both of them knew that things started to be serious.

Ward moved closer. “Maggie…you’re a wonderful woman. You’re generous, kind, affectionate…”

“Ward, please…”

“Charming, funny…and beautiful.”

She was now completely red. “Thanks. You’re not bad at all you too…” she said back trying to be seductive.

“But even if I like everything about you, I’m afraid to not be able to go further with you…”

“Wh..what? I don’t understand…”

“I’d like to be with you, but…my son is my priority right now. Zell is an adult but Seifer is still a child and he needs my complete attention. I want to be there for him and I don’t think I can be a good father for him if we begin to date…I hope you understand.”

“But…being a father and having a relationship with…someone isn’t incompatible, you know?”

“But it’s complicated. Don’t be mad at me, it’s better this way.”

She looked hurt and disappointed. “Did I do something wrong?”

“Not at all. It’s only my fault, not yours.”

“I don’t understand you. One minute ago, you said you liked me and now you push me away?”

“Maggie, please…”

“I suppose you find this funny to humiliate me this way?” she demanded upset.

“I was serious! I have always been serious when I said I liked you!”

“You have a strange way to show it! You can’t even give me a real reason.”

“Please…understand me…”

“You know what? Forget it. Forget everything.”

“Maggie, don’t hate me, please…”

“I started to open my heart with you and now, I feel stupid.”

Ward couldn’t hold it anymore and dragged her to him to kiss her. Caught by the surprise, she didn’t react immediately. But after few seconds, she realized what he was doing. She released herself from his grip and slapped his face.

“What do you think you’re doing? Giving me some compensation?”

He rubbed his cheek with the back of his hand to erase the pain of the slap, even if it was his heart which hurt the most right now.

“I’m sorry…”

“I’m leaving. I still have the time to catch the last train.”

“Don’t leave!” he said grabbing her hand but she pushed him away.

“Stay away from me! I never want to see you again.”

Ward looked at her leaving with sadness. It was of course too soon to tell there was love between them, but it didn’t change anything now since he ruined his only chance with Maggie. After so many years, he finally managed to forget his first and only love, hoping to start a new story with someone who could love him back. But it was over now. He had done it for his son.

Maggie went back to her bedroom and took her bag before leaving. She sent a message to Zell to say she was on the road to go back to Balamb.

 

 

When Zell finished his session with Elise, he turned his phone on and saw the message his mother sent him. He wondered why she suddenly decided to go back to Balamb, so he tried to call her. Unfortunately, the only voice he could hear was the voicemail. He let a message and went back to the presidential palace. When he arrived there, nobody was really joyful. Seifer kept this sad expression after his conversation with Zell, and Ward looked even more hurt. The little blonde began to wonder if the sudden departure of his mother was related to this tense atmosphere, so after the dinner, he went to talk with Ward. The tall man was on the balcony, fixing the sky with melancholy.

“Ward?”

“Yes? Something is wrong with Seifer?”

“No, he’s sleeping. Don’t worry. I just wanted to have a word with you.”

“Sure…but about what?”

“Did something happen this afternoon with my mom?”

“What?”

“She left so suddenly. I’ve tried to call her but she didn’t answer. I’m worried because everybody seems to be depressed today so…”

“Ah…you noticed?”

“Tell me: what’s going on?”

“Nothing. It’s just...i had a conversation with your mother this afternoon and she didn’t react really well.”

“What did you tell her?” asked Zell angry. He had always been overprotective when things concerned his family, especially his mother.

“I just turned her down…I mean, I suppose you saw we started to become close, right?”

“Yes. And?”

“And…I told her I didn’t want to go further with her because I wasn’t ready.”

“You said more. It’s not in her habits to react badly for this. She’s comprehensive and wouldn’t have reacted this way.”

“Let’s say that…I said she wasn’t my priority right now since Seifer is young and needs me. She got mad saying that she started to open her heart to me and she felt stupid…”

Zell didn’t ask more. He understood his mother had been ashamed to be turned down and she probably lost her confidence when Ward rejected her. Now, he was mad at Ward.

“Why did you flirt with her if it was to turn her down? Was it just a game for you?”

“Believe me Zell, it hurts me more than you can imagine. I really like your mother and I was serious…but I can’t.”

“Why?”

“I don’t think that I can start another relationship…I lost my confidence. I’m scared…” lied Ward. He didn’t want to tell to Zell that he did it because Seifer asked him. It would create tensions between the two friends and he refused to hurt his son.

Zell wasn’t completely convinced. He knew there was something else but he also understood Ward wouldn’t tell him, so he didn’t’ insist. He was still angry against him.

“Then, you shouldn’t have given her hope. It was cruel…I expected more from you.”

“Sorry to disappoint you…” bowed Ward to apologize.

Zell didn’t add anything and let him alone. He had no desire to speak with him anymore now he knew he broke his mother’s heart.

 

* * *

 

Squall was working in his office. After his meeting with Doctor Garnet, he was upset, especially against Zell. It wasn’t enough to have turned his back on him for Seifer that he had to tell everything to her. Now, he felt ashamed and betrayed. He knew he shouldn’t have said that but at this time, he thought he could trust him…that maybe it wasn’t that bad to talk with his friends about his pains. Old habits died hard and the old Squall came back quick, ruining Rinoa’s hard work. He began to be cold and distant again, refusing to talk, keeping and dealing with his own problems…and being indifferent to people.

Someone knocked at his door.

“Come in.”

“Excuse-me Commander but you received a letter.” Said the secretary.

“A letter? From who?”

“hum…” she took a look before answering. “From Esthar. Barhein center.”

“Give it to me. I don’t want to be disturbed for the next hour.”

“Sure.” He woman nodded and gave him the letter before leaving his office.

Squall took the time to look the sender. Doctor Garnet’s name wasn’t mentioned as a sender, but there was the seal and the address of the center. There was also a little audio tape with the letter. He read the few words written.

_“What I’m doing is definitely not ethically right and I’m technically in fault betraying the confidentiality with my patient, but I think it’s necessary to make you realize how much you’re important for your friend. I recorded our last session with Zell without telling him so I ask you to listen to this and to not mention it to him please. Thank you._

_Doctor Elise Garnet.”_

Squall took the audio take. He hesitated during a long time before finally accepting to listen to it.

 

 

_“Let’s talk about Squall.”_

_“What I’m supposed to say about him? You already know everything.”_

_“I know what you told me, but you talked mostly about his job and his attitude with you and his friends. I want to know what you think about him.”_

_“Well…he’s my friend.”_

_“And?”_

_“My best friend.”_

_“Is it mutual?”_

_“Don’t think so…I wished so many years it could have been mutual… I know “our” friendship had always been one-sided.”_

_“Why do you think that?”_

_“Because I’m not good enough to be his friend…or maybe he’s too good for me? He’s so incredible…”_

_“You’re running yourself down again, Zell.”_

_“No. I don’t have these sorts of thoughts when I think about Irvine or Quistis. It has always been with Squall only.”_

_“Why?”_

_“I admired him at the second I met him at the Garden. He had everything and was exactly what I always wanted to be…he has the class, the style, the beauty, the strength, the intelligence. He’s always cool and calm. He knows how to control his emotions. He never loses his temper without talking about his leadership. Look at him, he became the commander of the Garden at 17!”_

_“You look proud of him, don’t you?”_

_“I am. How could it be different? I mean, he’s a hero, a leader, an incredible fighter…”_

_“Ok, I got it. You admire him. But you didn’t answer. Why do you think you’re not good enough to be his friend?”_

_“I embarrass him all the time. I think he’s ashamed to be seen with me.”_

_“Did he ever say that to you?”_

_“He never needed to say it out loud. His attitude speaks for him. Since we know each other, we went on mission three or maybe four times together: for the seed exam, our first mission at Timber, when Balamb had been invaded…nothing more.”_

_“But he gave you the commandment for some missions, right?”_

_“Yes, that’s right. When I asked him if I could stay with Matron in Esthar to protect her, he accepted. Besides, before my accident, he sent me on mission alone, so i think he trusted me…”_

_“But?”_

_“But…I wanted to be with him, to fight with him…to prove that I was worth to be his friend. Squall never supported me as far as I can recall…At the Garden, he avoided me all the time and when we passed the seed exam, he even asked to switch partner when Quistis said I was with him.”_

_“I guess you had been hurt when you heard it, did you?”_

_“Yes…but I thought it was my fault. I did my best during the mission to not embarrass him, but in fact, I just wanted to be accepted, to have a place in his life, even a small one.”_

_“And you think you don’t have one?”_

_“I think I ruined my chance to be his friend when I forgave Seifer…”_

_“…”_

_“You know, at the beginning, I thought he was like this with everyone. I remember the way he talked to Quistis and he wasn’t nicer with her. But he trusted her. She was his instructor so he knew he could count on her…but he never considered me like Quistis. Of course she’s more talented and all…but it hurts. In our group, everyone has skills: Selphie is good for piloting or organizing parties, Quistis for the leadership and the commandment when Squall isn’t here, Irvine is the lady-killer and the sniper, Rinoa…I don’t know. I see her like a peacemaker or at least as someone who can help and comfort people. But what about me? I can’t fight anymore and it seems that I was the worst teacher it could exist…”_

_“You have skills, Zell.”_

_“Which ones? Tell me.”_

_“Even if I’m your therapist, I don’t know you enough to tell you, but you’re definitely not worthless as you think.”_

_“Then, why can’t I be considered?”_

_“Now I get it. You want Squall’s consideration, do you?”_

_“Yes…”_

_“Why is it so important for you? Why Squall and not the others?”_

_“I didn’t care if people found me stupid as long as Squall didn’t think that way, because being considered by him was the equivalent to be liked by everyone. You don’t know what it is to hear people talking about him all the time with admiration and to be in his team. Everyone is jealous of you and would kill to be at your place. It makes you important and popular…and you have the impression that a part of his glory reflects on you. It gives you the illusion that you’re as cool as he is…”_

_“Zell…”_

_“I was so proud to speak with some people at the Garden saying that Squall was my friend, you know? But the more I said that to myself knowing that I lied, the more I became convinced that it was true…”_

_“You think it wasn’t the case?”_

_“He never shook my hand, or encouraged me saying something nice to me like “you did your best” or “good job”. When I tried to impress him with my knowledge, he just shut me down because I annoyed him. Maybe he thought I was pretentious or something, but I just wanted to prove that I wasn’t an idiot as everybody thought…”_

_“But you told me that after the war, he became close to you, remember?”_

_“Yes…maybe just a moment of weakness? Everybody has a breaking point after all.”_

_“Have you ever said to him what you felt about your relationship?”_

_“No. Why should I have done that? To embarrass myself even more?”_

_“Zell, I think you’re a bit rude with Squall. Don’t you remember he saved your life? If he really didn’t care about you, he wouldn’t have sent you here. Seeing you destroying yourself hurt him and he did everything to make you feel better after your accident.”_

_“You don’t understand, Elise. I’m not bitter toward Squall but only against myself. I hate what I am. I hate to be so awkward, so embarrassing for my friends and my family, so weak…”_

_“You’re not like that.”_

_“I am. You can’t imagine how much I was happy when he saved me at D-District from this guard. I would be dead without him. And as always, I ruined this moment jumping in his arms to thank him as an idiot!”_

_“You just expressed your gratitude.”_

_“In an embarrassing way.”_

_“You overreact for something insignificant…ok, forget this point. What about the way he became closer after had confessed you what Seifer did? He trusted you enough to tell you something really embarrassing so don’t you think you were considered enough for this?”_

_“Yes…that’s what I say to myself every day, but once again, I ruined everything when I told it to you. And now, he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore…”_

_“Zell, you said that to me because it helped you for your therapy. It explained why Squall was so angry against you to have become friend with Seifer.”_

_“It doesn’t change anything in the fact that I betrayed him saying that to you. I should have kept this for me.”_

_“Even if it would have been a problem to continue your therapy? Do you realize how far you can go just for him?”_

_“It’s not a big deal…”_

_“Ok, let me ask you something. After Lydia’s death, did you ever take the time to talk about what you felt to Squall?”_

_“You mean about my accident and Lydia’s death?”_

_“Yes. Did you?”_

_“I wanted…”_

_“But you didn’t, right? What did it stop you?”_

_“Because he didn’t have the time to waste listening to me…”_

_“Did he say that to you?”_

_“No. I heard it.”_

_“You…heard it?”_

_“Few weeks after my wake up from my accident, I was feeling really down. I hadn’t started to drink at this time and I wanted that someone could listen to me, so I went to Squall’s office. The door was unlocked, but Quistis was already there, speaking with Squall.”_

_“Did you listen to them?”_

_“Yes. Quistis was wondering what they should do with me since I was disabled. Squall proposed her to nominate me as a teacher to keep me busy because he really didn’t have the time to take care of me and because he didn’t feel at ease to deal with my depression. Quistis suggested him to talk with me, but he replied that I would recover alone, quicker than she could think and that it would make me stronger...”_

_“Oh…so, what did you feel when you heard that?”_

_“At the beginning, I was…hurt. Actually, I always wanted to be close to Squall but I never really asked him anything in particular. For the first time in my life, I needed him and I was about to ask him help…but when I realized I would be a source of boredom for him, I renounced. I even felt guilty to have had these sorts of selfish thoughts requesting his time to listen to my feelings and all…”_

_“And after that? What did you feel?”_

_“I began to think the same way; that he was right, that I needed to become stronger. He couldn’t be wrong, so I thought I had to prove my worth, showing to everybody that, even disabled, I still could be a good fighter, or at least a good teacher…but I failed.”_

_“When did you realize you couldn’t do it?”_

_“When Kadowaki told me Lydia was pregnant before her death. It broke me…and I found a refuge drinking. I took the time to observe what my life was before concluding it was worthless to try to become someone that I would never be…”_

_“You were angry against Squall when he sent you here, right?”_

_“Yes. I started to think that he sent me here because he had enough to see the piece of trash that I was every day and that if I had to die or to live miserably for the rest of my life, I could do it without he needed to see it…I didn’t think that he cared about me.”_

_“Why do you think you believed that about his motives?”_

_“I don’t know. I was so down that I couldn’t think normally anymore…”_

_“No, Zell. Think about this a bit more.”_

_“…”_

_“At this time, what did you want?”_

_“I wanted to die.”_

_“Why?”_

_“Because I wasn’t happy. I wanted to stop suffering.”_

_“Zell, when people think about suicide, they think death would be better than life, so it means that they look for a better situation.”_

_“I don’t understand…”_

_“We only act to make the things better. When you were looking for the death trying to commit suicide, you wanted to be released from the pain. You thought dying would be better because you would have joined the woman you loved, the father you lost…and you would have stopped to be a burden for your friends.”_

_“…”_

_“But you also wanted to draw their attention on you. You were screaming your despair destroying yourself this way. You were calling for help…”_

_“They tried to help me…”_

_“I know and they did. But it wasn’t that way you wanted to be helped. When they sent you here, you thought they just abandoned you because you expected another reaction from them, and from Squall.”_

_“But…he couldn’t have done anything else for me.”_

_“Yes he could have done something.”_

_“What?”_

_“Maybe he could have taken the time to listen to you?”_

_“He tried…”_

_“Zell, you were drunk most of the time when you were at the Garden. I don’t think you could have a normal conversation with someone in this state.”_

_“…”_

_“I’m not judging Squall. I’m just trying to explain your deepest and unconscious thoughts.”_

_“I can’t deny you’re right…”_

_“But it’s hard for you to admit it, because you treasure your friendship with Squall very much.”_

_“There’re so many things I’d like to tell him…”_

_“You can tell him.”_

_“He doesn’t want to listen to me.”_

_“Then, write him a letter.”_

_“He would throw it without taking the time to read it first.”_

_“Do you think he hates you that much?”_

_“Now he hates me…because of Seifer.”_

 

The audio tape stopped. When Squall finally lifted his head, the tears fell on the floor without he even realized he was crying. It was the first time he heard Zell speaking so honestly. He expressed (or Elise made him express) what he really thought and he didn’t know what to think. He was extremely touched to see how much Zell admired him and he never suspected it could be at this point. And on the other side, he was terribly sad to know that he was thinking that way about himself. But what hurt him the most was to know that Zell thought that he hated him and that he never considered him as his friend or that he was embarrassing him. Zell even didn’t blame him for that thinking it was his own fault if Squall hated him.

Squall was feeling really confused. He began to think about the time when Zell was at the Garden before his departure for Barhein and he realized he should have paid more attention to him. But a part of him couldn’t support Doctor Garnet’s reproaches. He started to think that she manipulated Zell’s mind to make him admit bad thoughts and things about him. He took his cell phone and called the secretary.

_“Yes, Commander Leonhart?”_

“Call Quistis and tell her to come in my office immediately please.”

_“Yes Sir.”_

 

Quistis arrived ten minutes later. She knocked and came in. “Squall? You wanted to see me?”

“Yes. I need you take my place.”

“Sure…but for how long?”

“I don’t know. I need a break right now, so don’t try to contact me.”

“Squall…is everything alright?”

He took the audio tape with him and walked toward the door. “Yes…see you later.”

 

* * *

 

When he understood his mother had been hurt by Ward's rejection, Zell decided to come back to Balamb to have a conversation with her. Seifer and Ward stayed at Esthar. Zell had taken the last train on the night so he arrived the next day, in the morning. He hadn’t said to his Ma that he was coming to make her a surprise.

Maggie was making the dishes when she heard someone entering in her house. She thought it was the neighbor because she came often with her little boy.

“Judith? Is that you?”

“No…it’s me, Ma.”

She left the kitchen immediately to join her son at the entrance. “Zell! Darling! What are you doing here?”

“What? I don’t have the right to visit my mom?”

“But I thought you stayed at Esthar. Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?”

“I wanted to surprise you. How are you?”

“I’m fine, thanks. Did you come alone?”

“Yes. Seifer stayed at Esthar with Ward.”

“I see…” she looked a bit disturbed when she heard the name “Ward” but she tried to fake everything was alright. “Did you eat already? I have some baked potatoes in the oven…”

“It’s ok, I already ate. I missed you.”

“Me too.”

They went to the living room to make themselves at ease. They talked about the last gossips in Balamb. She also told him that Edea visited her lately. They met in Balamb one day and Maggie invited her to take a tea. They talked about Zell and the rest of the gang when they were kids, reminding them good memories.

Later in the morning, they went to visit the grave of Zell’s father. They bought some flowers on their way. Now, Zell didn’t have any problem to come here. Thanks to his therapy, he managed to forgive himself for his father’s accident. Maggie was happy to see that this subject wasn’t a taboo anymore…even if nothing could erase the pain, even after so many years.

They walked in the city and took the time to have some rest at the port, enjoying the sea view. They sat on a bench, facing the ocean.

“You know…Ward told me what happened between you two.”

She looked sad. “Nothing really happened.”

“Well, you know what I mean?”

“Is it why you came to visit me?”

“I was worried for you.”

“Zell, it’s nothing, don’t worry about that.”

“You wouldn’t have left so suddenly if it was insignificant as you pretend.”

“I was just a bit upset, that’s all…”

Zell took her hand to comfort her. “Do you love Ward?”

“No. We weren’t even dating.”

“But you care about him, right?”

She sighted, embarrassed. “You know…after your father’s death, I never tried to meet someone. I gave up this idea a long time ago…but when I met Ward, I don’t know. I found my confidence again. I wanted to please him, to be closer to him…”

“I think it’s reciprocally.”

“That’s what I thought at the beginning…but he just pretended that Seifer needed his complete attention and that he didn’t have the time for me. I suppose he just wanted to test his sex-appeal on me…or maybe he expected something simpler like a one night stand?”

“It’s not his type.”

“Then, why did he push me back after had showed me he liked me?”

“Dunno…did he say something else?”

“Not really…” She blushed. “Actually yes…”

“Tell me.”

“Well, he…kissed me.”

“Wh..”

“But I pushed him away slapping his cheek!”

“I see…”

Maggie shook her head sadly. “I’m sorry to bother you with this. I’m sick of my own stupidity. I look like a teenager…”

“Ma, there’s a long time you’re alone, so it’s not easy for you.”

“Yes, but maybe I overreacted? I mean, I didn’t let him the time to explain his reasons. I didn’t support to be rejected so I got mad quickly.”

“It’s understandable.”

“Whatever. What is done is done.”

“But I don’t want to see you losing your confidence because of this. Maybe you could meet someone else?”

“Definitely not immediately.”

Zell understood he just made his mother even more uncomfortable talking about this subject so he decided to end this.

“Ok, let’s talk about something else…”

 

* * *

 

Seifer stayed with Ward. But he noticed his father seemed to be really depressed.

“Dad?”

“Yes Seifer?”

“You don’t look happy…what’s wrong?”

“Ah…never mind. Don’t worry.”

Seifer didn’t seem to be convinced so he tried again. “Is it because…of me?”

“No! Of course not! Why should it be because of you?”

“I don’t know. Since the last time we talked about Maggie, you don’t smile anymore. Did I say something wrong?”

“No you didn’t. It’s ok.”

“It’s not ok! Why does everybody lie to me saying everything is fine all the time?!”

“Seifer, don’t be mad…”

“Nobody trusts me. Zell, you…why can’t you tell me what’s going on?”

“I trust you! But this is an adult’s problem.  You’re too young to understand.”

“I’m not a kid…you know it.” Seifer pouted, looking down. “Do whatever you want! If you don’t tell me, I don’t care!” Then, he let his father alone and returned to his bedroom.

“Seifer.” But the kid was already gone. Ward went after him. He knocked at his door and came in. “Hey…”

“Wanna sleep. ‘m tired…” murmured Seifer having his face against the pillow.

“I didn’t want to argue with you too. If you really want to know, I’ll tell you.”

The kid sat keeping the pillow against his chest. He was ready to listen to his father. “So you argued with someone?”

“Yes. I argued with Maggie.”

“Why?”

“Because I told her that…I kinda didn’t want to marry her…” tried to explain Ward. He wasn’t sure to use the right words to explain the situation to Seifer.

“So…it’s because of me. I told you I didn’t want to see her becoming my mom marrying you…”

“I understand. I’m not mad at you. But I didn’t think it would be so hard to tell her…and that she would react so bad.”

“So now she’s mad at you?”

“Yes.”

Seifer felt bad. He didn’t want to break his father’s happiness or hurt Maggie’s feelings. But he thought that if Zell and he became a family, Zell would never love him again as a friend…he would treat him like his little brother and Seifer wanted more…without really understand himself what he wanted. He was clearly too young to understand that he wanted to become Zell’s lover since love didn’t have the same meaning for him. But seeing his father so sad made me feel guilty.

“Dad…will you still love me if I would be normal?”

“Why are you asking that? You are normal.”

“No I’m not. I’m a child trapped in an adult’s body. You and Zell didn’t tell me everything about what I’ve done before I met the nasty woman…but I know I made bad things. You don’t hate me because now I’m the kid I was before…but will you still love me if I would be an adult?”

Ward didn’t reply immediately. Actually, he didn’t know what to say. If Seifer would be normal again, he would become the man he used to be: the sorceress’s knight, the arrogant and nasty man…and Ward wasn’t sure to like this idea. But seeing his son’s eyes, he couldn’t tell him.

“I love you and I will still love you whoever you are or would be. I will stay your father, so there’s no way I could hate you.”

The child smiled sadly, as if he took an important decision. “I wanna travel with you and Zell. Do you think we could leave when he would be back?”

“Sure. Where do you wanna go?”

“Zell promised me to bring me to the Chocobo’s sanctuary. I wanna see it.”

“Let’s call him tonight.”

 

* * *

 

Zell came back from Balamb two days later. He was still mad against Ward but tried to fake everything was alright in front of Seifer. Now, he was back to Esthar.

“So, are you ready to go?”

“Yes!”

“We have to go to Trabia continent to land the Ragnarok. After that, we’ll ride a chocobo and we will reach the sanctuary.”

“Can’t we land the ship near of the sanctuary?”

“No. The forest is too dense for this.”

“Ok! Hurry! Let’s go!!” said Seifer with joy.

 

The two friends and Ward left Esthar early in the morning with the Ragnarok. The flight was long so Seifer couldn’t help to fall asleep during it. It let the opportunity to Ward and Zell to talk together. Since Zell was piloting the ship, Ward joined him in the cockpit.

“Is Seifer sleeping?”

“Yes. He was so excited to leave this morning that he didn’t sleep the entire night.” Laughed Ward.

“I can guess. I hope he won’t be scared to ride a chocobo.”

“I don’t think so.”

When they finished talking about Seifer, the both of them stayed quiet. The atmosphere was suddenly uncomfortable.

“How is your mother?”

“Depressed. But I figure you already know this, don’t you?”

“Yes…” Ward couldn’t help to feel ashamed. “I suppose she hates me now?”

“I wouldn’t use this word…but let’s say she’s mad. Actually, she feels stupid. She really trusted you and when you turned her down, you hurt her pride and her feelings.”

“It was the last thing I wanted to do.”

“I know. But it doesn’t change anything.”

“I’m sorry…”

“…”

After a long silence, Zell needed to have an answer. He couldn’t understand why Ward rejected his mother.

“Why did you do that?”

“Zell, it’s complicated…”

“I want an answer. I clearly see that you miss her, so I wanna know why.”

“…”

“You know I’m stubborn. I will discover it anyway, so I’ll ask you until you tell me.”

Ward sighted, defeated. “I did it for Seifer.”

“That’s what you told her. It doesn’t explain anything; don’t use Seifer as an excuse.”

“That’s not an excuse, but the only reason why I broke with your mother.”

“I don’t understand…”

“Seifer…didn’t want to see me get close to your mother. He doesn’t want to see another woman taking his mother’s place. He likes Maggie…but maybe he thought if we became a couple that I would have less time for him…”

Zell blinked. “Wait a minute…Seifer asked you to break up with my mom???”

“Yes. I was surprised because I thought he would have been happy to become a family with you, Maggie and me. But I don’t understand…he just told me that he didn’t want to see another woman taking his mother’s place and that Maggie would never become his mom.”

Zell kept silent. He was wondering why Seifer asked his father something so egoist, especially if he knew the two of them were in love. But after some seconds, he recalled the conversation he had with him before his session with Elise. It began to explain a lot of things.

“You know…I lost twenty years of my life ignoring that I had a son who was waiting for me. I let him being abused by his mother and by Ultimecia…I’m ashamed when I think about the time when we were fighting against him. We could have killed him…and even after the war, I just sent him to Barhein without any regret. I let my only child living in a cold place alone during three long years without even having a single thought for him. He was lonely, sad and hated by everyone without understanding what he had done so bad…while I was living peacefully at the Presidential Palace. It’s unfair. I don’t wanna lose any more time far away from him, even if I have to make some sacrifices…as much painful as it can be. I hope you understand.”

Now, Zell finally got his answer. His anger against Ward vanished. “I do. I’m sorry to have blamed you for this.”

“I should be the one to apologize.”

“Let’s forget this.”

“You…won’t tell Seifer I told you this, right?”

“I won’t.”

“Thanks.”

 

They finally arrived at Trabia. Zell landed the ship and they went to the first chocobo’s forest. They took three chocobos and crossed the land with their animals.

“Whoa! He runs so fast!!” said Seifer enjoying his time with the chocobo.

“Be careful to not fall, Seifer!” warned Ward, worried.

“I’m ok, Dad! Zell? Is the sanctuary far?”

“Not really. We have to cross the ocean there.”

“The ocean? But we’re gonna drown!”

Zell laughed. “Are you scared?”

“I’m not!”

“Yes you are, liar!!”

“I don’t wanna hurt the chocobo! Maybe he can’t swim?”

“Don’t worry, the water on the passage there isn’t deep. The chocobo instinctively avoids the deep places where he can’t swim.”

Seifer and Ward followed them, even if they weren’t reassured at all. But after had passed the ocean and reached the island, the chocobos entered in the dense forest. There were so many trees and vegetation that they could barely saw the road or what there was in front of them.

“It’s here!”

They entered in the forest, slowly. Seifer wanted to run toward the center of the place but Zell restrained him. With his excitement, he could scare the chocobos. From their spot, they could hear the animals singing.

“Whoa…” exclaimed Seifer softly when he saw the wonderful show. Several animals were playing together. Others were taking care of the babies, but when they noticed them, the little creatures formed a circle and danced. They seemed to have recognized Zell.

“What are they doing?” asked Ward.

“They are dancing to welcome us.”

Seifer was amazed. It was the first time he saw so many chocobos and it was even better than what Zell told him. He kept his eyes on the chocobos’ dance, smiling, with stars in the eyes. Zell and Ward were pleased to see him so happy. It made them forget their hard time.

“It’s the best thing that I ever saw in my life! I’ll never forget it!”

“Good to hear it!”

“Do you think I could approach the babies?” demanded Seifer to Zell.

“Yes but don’t make any sudden move. The chocobo’s mother is overprotective so she can misunderstand your intention.”

 

 

At the end of the day, they left place and returned to the Ragnarok. Since Laguna and Kiros had already asked to Ward to leave Esthar with Seifer, they went to Fisherman’s horizon. They stayed at the little hostel and shared the same room for the night. After the dinner and a shower, everyone went to bed.

 

Zell woke up in the middle of the night and was surprised to see Seifer’s bed empty. Ward was snoring like an ogre. The tattooed man got up slowly to not wake him up and looked for Seifer. Since the room was at the last floor, there was a little trap which gave an access to the roof. Zell opened it and climbed on the roof where Seifer was. The kid was staring at the sky.

“Zell?”

“What are you doing here? Can’t you sleep?”

“It’s hard to sleep with Dad who is snoring…”

Zell laughed and joined him, sitting next to him.

“What about you?”

“I just woke up and I wondered where you were when I didn’t see you.”

“I like to see the stars in the sky. Sometimes there’s a shooting star…”

“So you’re waiting for a shooting star to make a wish?”

“Maybe…”

“And…what is your wish?”

“I can’t tell you or it would never become true.”

“Oh yes…I forgot.”

“Don’t you have wishes, Zell?”

“I have.”

“Which ones?”

Zell smiled at him. “I can’t tell you either or it would never become true.”

“Yes you’re right…”

The little man looked at the kid seriously. “You know…I talked with your father earlier.”

“Ah? About what?”

“About my mom and him.”

Seifer became nervous. “And?”

“You know what I mean, Seifer. Why did you ask to your father to break with my mom?”

“I didn’t ask him this…”

“But you knew Ward would do it when you said you didn’t want to see someone else taking your mother’s place. Was it really that important for you?”

“I don’t care about this…”

“Then, why did you say that to your father?”

“I didn’t want to make Dad sad…or your mother.”

“But you did. Now, tell me why.”

“…”

“Seifer, please tell me. I thought you were glad to become a family with my mom and me?”

“I was…but when I understood that it meant we couldn’t be friend anymore, I was scared.”

“Who said we would stop being friends?”

“You…when you said we couldn’t do these sorts of things anymore.”

Zell realized what Seifer meant. “Seifer, I told you we couldn’t do this anymore, even being brothers or friends.”

“I know…”

“It was a mistake to do this since the beginning…you should really forget it.”

“I can’t.”

“Come on…” Zell rolled his eyes, exasperated.

“It’s not only because it’s good to touch each other...”

“Then, why?”

“I don’t know. I can’t understand myself…” Seifer crossed his legs together and touched his feet with his hands to avoid Zell’s look. “When we started to do this, I felt we were more than friends…I felt and I feel something different for you. When I close my eyes, I think about you. When you’re not with me, I miss you. When you touch me, I feel strange…it’s completely different when I’m with another person. What I feel for you is…different. I don’t want to feel this way with someone else and…I don’t want to lose this feeling with you.”

“…”

“Zell, I don’t wanna be just your friend or your brother…and I know you want the same thing as me but you push me away all the time. I don’t understand what this feeling is but I know I’ve never felt like this before with anyone. I thought that if we became brothers, it would have been impossible for us to be more than friends…and I didn’t want it, so I asked this to Dad. But now, I regret it. Dad and Maggie are sad…and you’re still distant with me.”

“Seifer…it’s more complicated than you can imagine.”

“Would you love me if I were normal?”

“What?”

“You and Dad never told me what happened to me when I was normal. I just know that I was a bad guy and nasty with you. So now we’re friends, would you still love me if I were normal?”

Zell thought about the former Seifer he used to know. He wasn’t sure of his answer. But it would be impossible for him to forget the time he shared with Seifer, so even if he would become as he used to be, he wouldn’t forget.

“Yes I would. But why do you ask me that?”

“Because me, I would still love you…even if I would lose my memories, I know I would keep this feeling for you.”

“It’s nice of you but why are you talking this way? It’s not like you were dying or something…”

“Yes…but maybe I would forget you after that so…”

“What is “that”?”

Seifer finally lifted his head to face Zell. “I wanna go back in my past.”

“What??”

“I heard the crazy doctor talking with Mister Loire one day. He said his machine could send me in the past…but matron refused to let him use his machine on me. They sent me to Barhein just after that.”

“You…can’t! It could be dangerous and…”

“You said the last time we couldn’t become more than friends because I’m child. I don’t know if I would become the same man you hate, but i want to take my chance…”

“Seifer, even if you become an adult again, I don’t think it would change anything…”

“Is it because of Squall?”

“Why are talking about Squall?”

“Because I know you miss him. You look sad each time you think about him…and I remember the way you argued with him because of me.”

“No, it’s not what you think…”

“I suppose he hates me even more than you when I was normal…I probably did something terrible to make him hate me that much.”

“…”

“I don’t know what would happen to me or if it would work…but I wanna try.”

“But what if it turns bad? What if it makes you forget me? Our friendship?”

 Seifer smiled sadly. “Then, it would be fine for the both of us. You would be friend with Squall again and…I would stop suffering.”

“You’re suffering?”

“Yes. It hurts to be rejected…and to not be loved back. So if I forget you, we would be fine…I’m a bit scared, but it’s better for you.”

“Seifer, no! You’re not forced to do that!”

“I wanna do it. I want to know what everyone is hiding me, why everybody hates me that much and what the nasty lady made me do with Matron. You won’t tell me anyway and I have enough to be blamed for something that I can’t remember.”

“But…if I lose you, what do you think I would become?”

“You’re not alone, Zell.”

“You neither. I don’t care about the past. You don’t have to look back. You won’t change the past so why do you bother to know it?”

“Because…if I did bad things in my life, I don’t wanna continue to do it now. But it’s what I’m doing to you, to your mom and Dad.”

“No you’re wrong…”

“You’re not friend with Squall anymore and Dad and Maggie broke up. Everyone is unhappy…”

“But it’s not your fault…”

“You told me you would still love me…I wanna believe in you.”

“Seifer, please…” but he understood Seifer already took his decision and nothing would make him change his mind. “There’s nothing I can say to make you renounce?”

He shook his head.

“I suppose I can’t help it…” sighted Zell depressed. “As you wish.”

“Thank you.”

“We should go to bed now. It’s already late.”

Seifer grabbed Zell’s left hand. “Zell?”

“What?”

“Can I ask you a last thing please?”

“Sure. What is it?”

“A…kiss.”

“What?”

“Can I have a kiss please? I really liked when you kissed me the first time so i wanna have it again. Just one…please.”

In another circumstance, Zell would have refused it…even if he already kissed Seifer when they used to masturbate together, but seeing his eyes and knowing that after Odine’s experience, maybe Seifer would be the former person he used to be, made him reconsider this request. He came closer and put a hand on Seifer’s cheek before kissing his lips slowly. The tall blonde closed his eyes to enjoy it and started to kiss Zell back, opening his mouth. Their tongues rubbed against each other, when Seifer grabbed Zell’s face with his hands to kiss him more passionately. He made him fall on his back and went on the top of him still devouring his mouth. But after few minutes, they were out of air and had to break apart to find their breath again. The both of them moved away reluctantly. Seifer kept his eyes on Zell smiling before letting him go.

“I will never forget it.” He touched his lips, as if he wanted to capture this taste forever.

“Me neither…”

 

* * *

 

Two days later, they went back to Esthar. Seifer talked about his desire to his father and Ward called Laguna to inform him about this. Nobody really wanted to make this experience, but it was what Seifer wanted. Since they didn’t know what they risked, Laguna called Squall and requested the orphanage’s gang presence in the case of things would turn bad. Bringing Seifer in the past could also mean bring Ultimecia back, so they had to take their precautions.

Everyone was in Odine’s laboratory. The doctor did the last adjustments to his machine. Seifer was talking with Matron. Zell and Ward looked particularly nervous.

“We shouldn’t do that. What if something happens?” wondered Ward.

“We’ve tried to convince him, Ward. He refused.”

“But…”

“I’m worried for him too, but he’s right. It’s unfair to lie to him about his past…and it’s not like we could tell him everything. We can’t run away forever. If he has a chance to become normal again, we have no right to refuse it to him.”

Ward sighted. “I guess you’re right, but…I wished I could keep him like this forever.”

“Me too but that’s not easy for him…”

“I know.” Ward looked behind Zell and started to move away. “I think someone wants to talk with you…”

“Ah?”

Zell turned around and saw Squall approaching.

“Hi.”

“Squall.” Zell blushed. He didn’t expect to see him making the first step.”So… how are you?”

“I’m fine.” Squall gave a glace to Ward who let them alone. He waited for his departure to talk with his friend. “What about you?”

“I’m alright. Thanks for asking. “replied shyly Zell. He was happy to see Squall making the first step. Maybe it meant that he wanted to make up with him? “Squall, i…”

“No, please. Let me talk.” Squall cut him.

“Ok…”

“I…I’m sorry to have reacted this way. I know what Seifer did for you and it’s all thanks to his help that you finally managed to get better. I should be thankful to him…”

“I don’t ask you that much…”

“Yes…and you know I can’t. Even if he really helped you, he hurt me too much to make me forget or to forgive him.”

“I know, Squall…but why are you telling me that so suddenly?”

“Well, after our quarrel, Doctor Garnet called me.”

Zell became anxious. If Elise called him, that meant she told him. “Did she…”

“I know you told her.”

“Squall, I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to betray your word, I swear!”

“I’m not done.”

“Oh, sorry…”

“It’s sure that I felt betrayed at the beginning…but she made me realize that I was wrong to react this way. I don’t like to admit it…but she’s pretty good in her job.”

“Yes…” laughed Zell.

“I started a therapy with her.”

“Really?”

“Yes. I think I’ve got a lot of things that I need to evacuate too…and it starts with you and my anger toward your friendship with Seifer. It’s still not easy for me to accept it but I can’t ask you to hate Seifer just to make me feel better, especially after all what he did for you…”

“Thank you for understanding, Squall. You know you’re my best friend. I really missed you.”

“Me too. But I guess I need more time to be fine in my head and to forgive. So, I ask you to wait a bit longer…”

“Of course. I understand. I’m glad you made the effort to talk to me today…I really needed it.”

Squall turned his head to look at Seifer. He was talking with Matron and Quistis. Zell couldn’t help to question him.

“Hum…tell me: why did you come here?”

“Because I want to be sure that Ultimecia wouldn’t come back.”

“I know but you didn’t really need to be there; I mean, you could have asked to Quistis.”

Squall smiled shyly. “Make a guess.” Then, he went back to see Rinoa.

Zell was a bit slow, so he didn’t understand immediately that Squall actually wanted to see him.

 

Zell’s mother made this effort to come to say goodbye to Seifer. It was hard for her to be there, especially with Ward’s presence. She stayed a bit apart from the group when Seifer approached.

“Maggie?”

“Seifer…so, are you ready?” she asked with a forced smile, to hide her embarrassment.

“Yes. But before leaving, I wanted to tell you to not hate Dad.”

She looked down, avoiding his eyes. “Ah…Seifer. You know, I don’t hate your father.”

“It’s my fault. I told him to not marry you.”

“What?” she frowned.

“I lied to him. I told him I didn’t want to see you taking my mom’s place. But it was a lie…”

“But…why did you tell him that? Do you hate me?”

“No. I really like you and I know you make Dad happy. You’re nicer than Mommy…but it’s because of Zell.”

“What? Did you talk with Zell about this? Was he against it?”

“No…it’s complicated. I can’t tell you. But please, don’t be mad at him. It’s my fault. It was bad to ask him this. Now, he’s really depressed and he misses you a lot.”

“Why can’t you tell me?”

“Sorry…but will you marry Dad?”

“Seifer…”

“Please! I know you love him and he loves you too. I don’t want to see him alone…please.”

She smiled at him, stroking his hair. “I’ll think about this.”

“Thank you.”

“But you really don’t want to tell me why?”

“I can’t. Sorry.” He looked behind him and understood time had come to leave. “I must go now.”

“Ok. Be careful.”

“Yes. Take care of Zell.  If I don’t remember him, he would be sad at the beginning, so…you would be there to comfort him, right?”

“Of course.”

 

Seifer said goodbye to everybody. He lay down on his back, on a table while Odine and other people were connecting the machine to his body; Zell approached and took his hand.

“Are you sure this is what you want?”

“No…but I told you: if it’s the only way, I wanna try it.”

“You’re not forced to do that…”

“But we won’t be more than what we are now if I stay like this. That’s not what I want.”

“What if you lose your memory?”

“I…I’m scared about this, that’s true but…it won’t happen. I promised you, remember?”

Zell didn’t seem to be convinced. After all, promises only bound those who believed in them…and he wanted to believe in it, even if it was just for a short time.

“I trust you.”

“Thank you.” Seifer smiled a last time before releasing Zell’s hand. The little blonde moved away and joined Ward, with the rest of the group.

“Are you ready, Seifer?” asked Odine’s assistant.

“Yes.”

“Ok. Let’s start.”

 

_Seifer collapsed immediately. When he opened his eyes, he was in a place he didn’t remember. He was actually in a car with Quistis, Squall and Zell. It was during the mission for the seed exam. He was seeing the scene of his past with himself._

_Zell: "Yo, Squall. Show me your gunblade, will ya?"_

_Squall: "........."_

_Zell: "C'mon, man!"_

_Squall: "........."_

_Zell: "Just a peek!"_

_Squall: "........."_

_Zell: "Tch, fine...Yeah, yeah...Why you bein' so selfish!? Scrooooge!"_

_Squall: "........."_

_Zell: "Say somethin', will ya!? W-What's on your mind?"_

_Squall: "...Nothing."_

_Quistis: "...Nothing."_

_Zell: "........."_

_Zell stood up and started punching the air. But after few seconds, it got on Seifer’s nerves._

_Seifer: "Stop that...It's annoying. ...Chicken-wuss."_

_Zell: "WHAT DID YOU CALL ME!?"_

_Seifer: "Heheheh..."_

_Quistis: "Knock it off!"_

_Everyone calmed down in their seats._

_Squall: "...Instructor...Who was that girl in the infirmary this morning?"_

_Quistis: "Was someone there? I didn't notice anybody. Is there a problem?"_

_Squall: "No...not really..."_

_Seifer: "This is great...I have a Chicken-wuss and a guy who just reached puberty in my squad..."_

 

_Seeing the scene, Seifer saw by himself he wasn’t really nice with Zell or with Squall either. But he didn’t have the time to see the rest of the scene that everything got black and he arrived in another place. D-District Prison._

_Squall's cell stopped moving and Seifer came in._

_Seifer: "Squall, you're pitiful."_

_He threw Squall violently against the wall._

_Seifer: "Take him away!"_

_Two red lion-things came in. Later, Squall was chained to a wall._

_Seifer: "I'm sure you can imagine what happens now."_

_Squall: "...What do you want?"_

_Seifer: "Tell me what SeeD is. Edea demands to know."_

_Squall: "SeeD..." (...A code name, for Balamb Garden's elite mercenary force...SeeD... Combat specialists... ......???) "...Don't you already know?"_

_Seifer: "I'm not a SeeD. There must be some kind of secret you're given when you become a SeeD!"_

_Squall: "There's nothing. Even if there were, you think I'd tell you?"_

_Seifer: "You're on my 'tough-nut-to-crack' list. Didn't think you'd talk that easily."_

_Squall: "...Geez, I'm honored."_

_Seifer: "So here's a little somethin' for ya."_

_He snapped his fingers and a warden started electrocuting Squall._

_Squall: "Arrrrghhhh..."_

_Seifer: "Even if you don't talk, others will. The instructor, the little messenger girl, or that Chicken-wuss... He wouldn't last 3 seconds!"_

_Squall: (Th...They're...) "...They're...all here...?"_

_Seifer: "Oh, you bet. But since I like you so much, I thought you should go first. I was hoping you'd be there, Squall. So... how'd I look in my moment of triumph? My childhood dream, fulfilled. I've become the sorceress' knight."_

_Squall: (...Sorceress' knight... ...His...romantic dream...? But... Seifer...Now, you're just...) "...A torturer."_

_Squall passed out._

_Seifer: "What did you say!? Passed out cold, eh? This is the scene where you swear your undying hatred for me! The tale of the evil mercenary vs. the sorceress' knight... The fun's just started, Squall. Don't disappoint me now!"_

_The scene continued. Seifer was watching Squall being tortured with delight. Squall was still chained. The Seifer from the future had to take his eyes out of this terrible view. He couldn’t believe he had done that with this cruelty._

_Seifer: "Well now, Squall. I'll ask again. What is SeeD? And why do they oppose the sorceress?"_

_Squall: (SeeD... Oppose the sorceress...?)_

_A warden came in._

_Warden: "Sir Seifer, the missiles targetted for the Garden are ready to launch._

_Seifer: "Excellent."_

_The warden left_

_Seifer: "Balamb Garden is to be destroyed on charges of training SeeDs to oppose the sorceress."_

_Squall: (...WHAT!?)_

_Seifer: "It's a pity, really. I grew up there, too... But orders are orders, and Edea wants it destroyed."_

_Squall: "...N-No......"_

_Seifer: "After the Garden's gone, the SeeD hunt will begin. I'll be Edea's bloodhound and hunt down everyone of your kind. It'll be fun, Squall. Don't die on me yet. Continue with the interrogation."_

_Seifer left and the warden at the lever yelled at Squall. He continued to torture Squall since he refused to talk, when Seifer came back to the room few minutes later._

_Warden: “Sir Seifer. He refuses to talk.”_

_Seifer: “Let him stay on his feet and keep the chains. I have a better idea.”_

_Warden: “Yes Sir.”_

_The warden approached and took Squall’s chains off. He made him go down, on the floor, and forced him to stay on his feet, before putting the chains on his fists and feet again._

_Seifer: “Leave us alone.”_

_Warden: “Yes Sir.”_

_The man let them alone and closed the door behind him. Seifer couldn’t help to smile. Seeing Squall so vulnerable, and at his mercy was so pleasant…_

_On the other side, Squall could barely stay on his feet. He was exhausted. He heard Seifer’s heavy steps coming closer, when he felt a tight grip on his hair._

_Seifer: “So stubborn…I didn’t expect less from you.”_

_Squall: “S..so easy to win this..way. Frustrated to have been defeated in front of your beloved sorceress, Seifer?”_

_These words particularly irritated Seifer who lost his self-control. He hit the back of Squall’s head against the wall violently, still pulling his hair out._

_Seifer: You’re nothing, Leonhart. Just a piece of trash. Don’t you dare compare us. My life is destined to be shining. Everybody in this world will remember my name…and you? You will die totally anonymous.”_

_Squall: “Fuck you..”_

_Seifer: “Oh come on! You can do better. It can’t be your last words? Such a shame…”_

_Then, Seifer began to unbutton Squall’s pants. The other man blinked and started to struggle._

_Squall: “What the fuck are you doing???”_

_Seifer: “You know, we have always been different: physically or psychologically…but on the other side, we are kinda similar. We chose the same sword, we fight the same way, we have the same cold blood…the same scar…” He continued to strip Squall, put his bower down, just enough to see his organ._

_“I’ll tell you something really personal. When I was eight, I had an accident during a fieldtrip at Balamb. It was during a trek in the mountain. I fell and I got hurt pretty bad from the stomach to the left knee. My organ had been hurt too and unfortunately for me, my wound there had been infected during my transfer to the infirmary. Kadowaki didn’t have any other choice to circumcise me to stop the infection in this part. I kept a real bad memory of this. Of course it’s not a big deal. I mean, a lot of people are circumcised in the world. But it’s pretty scaring when you’re a kid…and when you see people doing it to you…”_

_Squall began to panic: “What are you doing??”_

_Seifer: “I want you experiment the same pain. This way, we’ll be equal forever, even after your death.”_

_Squall: “No…Seifer! Stop it! No!!”_

_The poor man struggled as much as he could but it didn’t work. When he saw a large pair of scissors, he closed his eyes, understanding he wouldn’t be able to escape from his torment._

_Squall: “Stop! Don’t..please!! Stop!!”_

_Seifer: “Whoa! Squall Leonhart begging? Such a sweet music to my ear…but it won’t be enough my dear…”_

_Seifer grabbed the flesh he wanted to cut and deposed it between the scissors. He moved closer to Squall’s ear and whispered to him._

_Seifer: “You should have never provoked me, Squall.”_

_He took his time cutting the flesh slowly with the scissors, extending Squall’s torment. The other man was biting his bottom lip to endure the pain until it bled but it was too hard. Some tears escaped from his shut eyes, while Seifer was enjoying this time. He couldn’t have resisted to lick the salty tears on his cheeks, laughing._

_Seifer: “You know, you’re pretty cute when you’re in pain. I love to see your crying face…”_

_Squall continued to cry silently, swallowing his pain and his shame. He had never lost face in front of anyone in his life this way. The shame was even harder to support than the pain._

_Seifer finished cutting his flesh and casted a curaga to stop the blood. He also used a bandage to be sure that Squall’s wound wouldn’t get infected._

_Seifer: “I let my mark on your body now. I don’t think it would change anything for you anyway since you’re going to die, but this way, you’ll remember me. You’ll remember your place. You are the shadow, I’m the light.”_

_He put his clothes on again and rinsed his hands with some water before leaving the place._

 

_The kid who had seen everything was terribly shocked. It was impossible for him that he could have been so cruel with Squall. Now, he understood why the other man hated him that much…and why he was so furious to see Zell became friend with him._

_The scene vanished and Seifer was now at Galbadia Garden. He was accompanied by Fujin and Raijin. He was having a break, lying on a bed, in a room of the Garden._

_Raijin: “Seifer…are you sure this woman is trustworthy?”_

_Seifer: “Since when do you doubt me, Raijin?”_

_Raijin: “I don’t…but I think we should leave, ya know?”_

_Seifer: “I don’t ask your opinion.”_

_Fujin: “…….”_

_Someone knocked at the door. A soldier came in._

_Soldier: “Sir Seifer. We received information: Trabia Garden has been completely destroyed.”_

_Fujin and Raijin looked each other, shocked._

_Seifer: “What about Balamb Garden?”_

_Soldier: “The Garden managed to leave the island before the missiles reach their goal.”_

_Seifer: “What? How could it be possible?”_

_Soldier: “According to the information we received, the Garden has a secret piloting system. It can fly or sail.”_

_Fujin and Raijin were relieved to know that their Garden managed to escape and hadn’t been destroyed._

_Seifer: “If Balamb Garden can move, Galbadia Garden should have the same ability. Question the students you captured there and torture them if you have to. I want this thing moves before the end of the day. You’re dismissed.”_

_Soldier: “Yes Sir!”_

_Raijin couldn’t help to question Seifer. “What happened with Trabia? Why did you send missiles there?”_

_Seifer: “It was Edea’s orders. She wants to destroy all the Gardens.”_

_Raijin: “She’s insane, ya know? These people didn’t do anything. They didn’t deserve to die, ya know?”_

_Seifer: “Shut the fuck up, idiot!”_

_Raijin: “We ran away from Balamb to help you! Not to destroy this world, ya know?”_

_Seifer grabbed Raijin by the collar and threatened him. “You’re with or against me. So what do you choose, Raijin?”_

_After a short moment of hesitation, Raijin didn’t know how to answer. Fujin nodded to him, encouraging him to not give up on Seifer. He understood and stopped protesting._

_Raijin: “I’m with you.”_

_Seifer: “Good. Now, go back to your post and let me have some rest.”_

_The two friends left the room._

_Raijin: “Fuu…I don’t want to stay here, ya know?”_

_Fujin: “Me neither.”_

_Raijin: “Let’s leave!”_

_Fujin: “No.”_

_Raijin: “Why?”_

_Fujin: “Seifer.”_

_Raijin: “But he’s insane. He’s completely crazy as this diabolic woman, ya know?”_

_Fujin: “Possessed.”_

_Raijin: “What?”_

_Fujin: “Seifer is manipulated by her. If we leave him alone, he would die when the sorceress would think that he’s not useful anymore. We can’t leave him; we are his posse and his only friends now. If we abandon him, no one would help him.”_

 

_The child felt touched to see the devotion of his friends but also felt guilty to have treated them this way with coldness. He was disgusted by himself. The destruction of Trabia Garden meant people died there. So, he was murderer…_

_Another scene appeared. This time, it was at Lunatic Pandora_

_Seifer, Fujin, Raijin were having Ellone as a captive. The orphanages gang arrived to recue her._

_Squall: "We've come to take back Ellone."_

_Seifer: "Looks like we got company. Show'em your hospitality."_

_Raijin started to step forward._

_Fujin: "RAIJIN, STOP!"_

_Seifer: "What's up?"_

_Raijin: "We've had enough, ya know..."_

_Fujin pushed Ellone. "GO."_

_Squall: "Wait outside. Laguna should be here soon."_

_Ellone fled_

_Seifer: "Hey, hey... Come on people."_

_Raijin: "Seifer, we're quittin', ya know? Don't know what's right anymore, ya know..."_

_Seifer: "Exactly my thoughts. I thought we were a posse."_

_Fujin: "POSSE... We are. We always will be. Because we're a posse, we want to  help you. Whatever it takes to fulfill your dream, we're willing to do. But... You're being manipulated, Seifer. You've lost yourself and your dream. You're just eating out of someone's hand. We want the old you back! Since we can't get through to you, all we have now to rely on is Squall! It's sad... Sad that we only have Squall to rely on... Seifer! Are you still gonna keep goin'?"_

_Seifer: "Raijin, Fujin! It's been fun!"_

_The two left. Seifer jumped down to where Squall's party was._

_Squall: "Are you gonna continue with this knight thing?"_

_Seifer: "The knight has retired. I guess you could call me a young revolutionary."_

_Squall: "What do you think you're doing?"_

_Seifer: "I've always gotta be doing somethin' BIG! I don't wanna stop. I'm gonna keep running! I've come this far... I'm gonna make it to the end, to the goal! There's no way I'm sharing it with you!"_

_The battle started and Odin appeared, but Seifer cut him in half._

_Squall: "Odin...!?"_

_Seifer: "Hah, I won't go down that easy. Show me what you go, Squall! Let me add another scar for ya!"_

_After had defeated him, the group stayed at Seifer’s side looking at him with pity. Rinoa shook her head sadly._

_Rinoa: "Seifer..."_

_She walked away. Seifer jumped up as she left._

_Seifer: "Not yet! It's not over yet, Squall!!!"_

_He ran after Rinoa. In the other room, she yelled:_

_Rinoa: "Squall!!!"_

_Squall: "Rinoa!?"_

_Zell ran in: "Squall! Seifer's got Rinoa!"_

_Squall: "Let's just go after Seifer!"_

_Upstairs, Seifer dragged Rinoa towards Adel's Tomb._

_Rinoa: "Seifer! Stop it! Haven't you done enough!? I know you're not like that!_

_Seifer: "Can't go back now! I can't go anywhere! The sorceresses as one! That is Ultimecia's WISH!"_

_Rinoa: "......Seifer."_

_Rinoa: "......Seifer. No more... Please?"_

_Seifer: "Rinoa..."_

_Squall ran into the room just then: "Seifer!!! NO!"_

_Seifer: "Rinoa and Adel! The sorceresses as one! Watch closely, Squall!"_

_Seifer pushed Rinoa to Adel, who broke out of her tomb to grab her._

_Selphie: "We have to save Rinoa!"_

_Squall: "Just go for Adel!"_

_Again, everything became black around him. When the light finally came back, Seifer was in middle of nowhere. The ground was dusty._

_“Where am I?”_

_“Somewhere. In a place you belong to.”_

_The kid turned around and saw no one. He just could hear a voice…Ultimecia’s one._

_“Who are you?”_

_“You know who I am, my knight.”_

_“I’m not your knight…” Seifer tried to run away, but he didn’t know where to go and from what he escaped. He just felt that he had to leave this place, to be far away from this voice._

_“Why are you so scared about me, my Knight? I’m all what you have left now.”_

_“No…Matron, Dad, my friends…Zell. They still love me.”_

_“My poor boy. Silly as always. If you go back in your time, do you really think they would still love you? For this entire world you are and you will stay the sorceress’ knight.”_

_“I don’t understand…”_

_“You saw the one you used to be. You became my knight to protect me. You were ready to die for me. You killed so many people for me…”_

_“No! You liar!”_

_“You’re still not convinced? Wanna see more?”_

_A scene appeared. Seifer was still at Galbadia garden. He was torturing a student to have information._

_Seifer: “You know how this fucking place moves!”_

_Student: “I swear I don’t!”_

_Seifer was beating him with his fists and feet. “TALK!”_

_Student: “Argh…no..no more..please…I sw..ear…I don’t know…”_

_Seifer: “Farewell. Do you have a death wish?”_

_The poor man understood quickly what he meant. “No…please! Have mercy!!”_

_But Seifer lifted his gunblade in the air and cut the man’s head with a single blow. Even the soldier was disgusted by the horrible view._

_Seifer: “Send me another one. I’m sure he would cooperate more than him.”_

_Soldier: “Y..yes Sir.”_

_The sorceress made the memory disappear. “So?”_

_“I…I wouldn’t have done this. You just manipulate me!”_

_“You know it happened.”_

_“No! I didn’t do that.”_

_“You say that because you know that Zell wouldn't love you anymore if he knew…”_

_“Zell…”_

_“You hurt him too.”_

_“No…he said I just argued with him…”_

_“Let me show you what you really did to him.”_

_Balamb Garden._

_Zell just finished his fight. He left the training center and went to the collective showers. It was late in the night so he liked to have his intimacy. He stripped and began to shower. The hot water was relaxing and he really loved it…but unfortunately for him, his pleasure didn’t last when someone joined him._

_Seifer: “Chicken-wuss in person! What a surprise!”_

_Zell cursed mentally. “Damn asshole!” he murmured._

_The place was large but just to tease Zell, Seifer chose the shower next to him and started to wash himself. Zell decided to hurry. He had no intention to stay here because he knew things would turn bad soon._

_Seifer: “Why are you in hurry? Do I make you that uncomfortable?”_

_Zell: “Leave me alone!”_

_Seifer just laughed at him and wanted to have a little fun with his favorite victim. He joined Zell, invading his personal space._

_Zell: “Get the fuck out of my way, you pervert!!”he tried to cover his nudity which amused even more the other blonde._

_Seifer: “No need to cover yourself. I don’t think there’s a lot to hide anyway. Show me.”_

_Zell: “Fuck you! Get out!”_

_But the tall man ignored his request and pinned him against the wall. He grabbed Zell’s arms and blocked it under his head with a single hand._

_Zell: “LET ME Go! FUCKER!”_

_Seifer: “That’s right. Yell even louder. This way, you will draw people’s attention and they will see us this way. That’s what you want?”_

_Zell:” You…pervert! Why are you doing that to me?”_

_Seifer: “What? I haven’t touch you yet!”_

_Zell:” Let go!_

_Seifer opened Zell’s legs with his knee, but the martial artist struggled. He hit Seifer in the stomach which particularly exasperated him. His grip became tighter around his hands and he grabbed Zell’s genitals with the other one, pressing it firmly._

_Seifer: “You know…I just planned to tease you a little but you really made me mad now, so let’s play.”_

_Zell: “it..hurts..let go!” Zell was in pain. He could feel his genitals squeezed strongly. “H..hurts..stop..”_

_Seifer pitied him and released his grip but didn’t let his hands go. He began to stroke Zell’s cock slowly._

_Zell: “Stop it!”_

_Seifer: “I wanna see you coming.”_

_Zell: “There’s no way I would..come..fo..r you..” but the stimulation started to make him hard. “Stop..”_

_Seifer: “Look how hard you are, you liar! You like pain. It excites you.”_

_Zell: “N..no…let go..”_

_But he didn’t stop and continued until Zell reached the orgasm and came. It was just at this time that Seifer released him. The poor Zell fell on his knees._

_Seifer: “What a slutty boy…”_

_Zell: “You…bastard..” the little blonde was crying softly._

_Seifer grinned at him, victorious and left the shower, enrolling a towel around his waist. Zell stayed in the shower, defeated and humiliated._

_“What do you think about this, my knight?”_

_“It…wasn’t me..I would have never hurt Zell this way…”_

_“Didn’t you force him again recently?”_

_“No! I didn’t force him at all!!”_

_“He told you to stop touching him. Did you listen to him?”_

_The kid felt confused. “He…could have pushed me away if he really didn’t want to…”_

_“He asked you to stop but you continued to touch him. He’s disabled so he couldn’t really fight back against you.”_

_“No…I didn’t force him…”_

_“You’re lying to yourself, my knight.”_

_“Whatever! I’ll go back to my time and I will apologize.”_

_“Apologizes don’t mean anything when it aren’t sincere. You’re not the sort of person who apologizes, Seifer.”_

_“You don’t know me.”_

_“On the contrary: I know you better than anyone else. We are the same.”_

_“What?”_

_“We are bad. There’s no point to try to be someone else, Seifer. Accept your true nature and become mine.”_

_“I’m not bad.”_

_“Why do you think that? Because Daddy and Zell told you?”_

_“…”_

_“You’re born this way. You’re born to be on the other side…”_

_“I don’t wanna be on your side. I’m with Zell…I’m with Matron…”_

_“We’re not on the wrong side, Seifer. It’s just a question of judgment. Didn’t you ever think that these people could be wrong? Maybe they are on the wrong side?”_

_“No…I know they are right.”_

_“Why do you think that?”_

_“Because you killed people…”_

_“So what? Did you know them? What do you know about them? Maybe they were bad persons? Maybe they deserved to die?”_

_“Nobody deserves to die…”_

_“You’re right for this. That’s what I think. But people want to see us dead. They thought since the beginning we deserved to die, even if we hadn’t done anything wrong…”_

_“…”_

_“Look at your mother: you were a baby, Seifer; She hated you at the second she gave you birth for the reason that the man she loved abandoned her because of you. You never asked anything…don’t you think it was unfair?”_

_“…”_

_“What about Matron? She did everything she could to save her children but she completely gave up on you. She never wondered how you were when you fought against them, and after the war, she abandoned you at Barhein like a piece of trash.”_

_“…”_

_“What about Zell? He maybe does love you right now but when you will wake up, he will see the man who abused him, who humiliated…and not the child you are anymore. You’re living in the denial. He will stop loving you. No one will ever love you again when you will wake up, Seifer. No one…except me.”_

_“…”_

_“I will never stop loving you because i know what you feel, your loneliness, your pain…I know everything because I’m born like you. Humans never gave me a chance since they discovered what I was. I’ve been chased away and hated. That’s not your fault, that’s not mine…”_

_“…”_

_“Just accept it. Accept your true nature.”_

_Seifer kept silent. He didn’t say anything, letting Ultimecia talking._

_“You don’t have to be afraid, Seifer. I’m dead. Your friends already killed me.”_

_“Then, why can I still hear you?”_

_“Because a part of you followed me during Time Compression. You can choose to recover yourself entirely or you can choose to stay by my side forever.”_

_“…”_

_“But if you choose to come back to your time, you have to prepare yourself from the worst. This world will never accept you whatever you can do. People like us don’t have a place in their world. They never accepted me, they won’t accept you either. So you will have to bear with it. Do you think it’s worth it? ”_

“I think he’s starting to wake up…”

“How he is?”

“We don’t know yet, Sir…”

“Seifer? Seifer? Do you hear me?”

“Ward, you should let him wake up slowly by himself.”

“I know but…”

“I’m worried for him too, you know? But he would feel stressed if he sees you immediately…”

Seifer could hear voices talking around him. He recognized Zell’s one. After several minutes, he finally woke up and opened his eyes. Some doctors were checking his pupils.

“Are you ok? How are you feeling?”

“Get your fucking hands out of me.”

The doctors moved away, a bit impressed by the rudeness of Seifer’s voice. Everyone was looking at him, worried. Zell, who couldn’t help to fear the worst, approached slowly.

“Seifer?”

The tall blonde smirked at him. “Isn’t that Chicken-wuss? What is it, hedgehog? Lost something maybe?”

In one second, Zell’s heart broke into pieces. The old Seifer was back…he lost his friend and the man he loved forever.


	7. Chapter 7

Raijin and Fujin ran to Seifer to check if he was ok. “Seifer? How are you, man? We were worried for you, ya know?”

“SAFE?”

But Seifer got up and glared at them. “What’s wrong, guys? Changed your mind already? I thought you settled down for Puberty-boy?”

The two friends looked down. Seifer didn’t seem to have forgotten this part and looked still angry toward them. “Seifer, man, listen…”

“Go to kiss Leonhart’s ass and leave me the fuck alone.” He pushed them away and was on his way to reach the door, ignoring Zell and Ward.

“Seifer…where are you going like that?” asked Ward.

He looked at him, frowning. “Do I know you? Who do you think you are to talk to me this way? Looking for a friend? Go to talk to the wall!”

“I’m not your friend, I’m your fat…”

But Zell grabbed Ward’s hand to stop him. He shook his head to make him renounce. Ward understood and remained quiet.

“What? Who are you?”

“No one…”

“You were about to say something before Chicken-wuss cut you. Answer me!”

“It doesn’t matter…”

Seifer didn’t insist. He didn’t seem to care so he went back to the door but the guards blocked the access. “Get out of my way!”

“You can’t leave, Seifer.” Said Kiros.

“What? Am I your prisoner?”

“Sort of. Don’t you want to know why you are here and what you were doing with all of us here?”

He smirked sadistically. “Let me think about this…No. I know I’m handsome but I don’t think all of you were raping me in a gangbang while I was asleep so I don’t give a shit. So with all my respect, my dear, would you make me the honor to tell to your fucking monkeys to open the door and to let me go please?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Fine, fine…if I have to kick your ass first, whatever.” Seifer prepared to fight with his fists when Edea approached.

“Seifer, nobody wants to hurt you, so calm down, please.”

“What do you want from me? Didn’t you have enough, Matron?”

“Darling…”

“Don’t you dare call me like that! You dragged me in this fucking mess and now I’m stuck here, so you better stay away from me if you want to live a bit longer!”

Edea and Rinoa noticed something in Seifer’s eyes. He was angrier and more aggressive than usual. But there was something different in him. Rinoa didn’t understand immediately but Edea got it quickly. But she strangely decided to remain quiet. She moved back, looking down.

“I’m sorry…”

“Yeah. You can be sorry…” replied Seifer, with a look full of hatred. “I wanna leave now. Open these fucking doors right now!!”

 Kiros and Laguna looked each other and nodded silently to the doctors who approached with a syringe. Seifer understood what it meant and began to protest.

“Don’t come closer. The first one who touches me is fucking dead.”

But the soldiers arrived behind him and neutralized him with a stun gun. Seifer fell on the floor, groaning.

“Fuc..king bast..ards! You..’re dead!!!”

The doctors moved closer and injected him the sedative. It made effect quick and the tall blonde fainted few seconds later. Ward couldn’t help to worry so he reached Seifer’s side and touched his face with affection.

“I knew I shouldn’t have let you do this…” he sighted and carried his son to the infirmary. Kiros followed him with Quistis, Fujin and Raijin.

Zell stayed in the room, still confused and lost about what happened. The old Seifer was back and he lost everything…their friendship the beginning of their love story…everything.

“Zell?”

The tattooed man turned around to face Squall. “Yes?”

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah…it was kinda expected…”

“Yeah. What are you gonna do now?”

“I don’t know. I think I’m gonna go back to Balamb with Ma…”

“Why don’t you go back to the Garden?”

“You fired me, remember?”

“Then, I just hired you back. Now you went back on your feet, you can work again.”

Zell smiled sadly. “It’s really nice of you but…I don’t think I’m ready.”

“Ok, you don’t have to start working immediately. You can come back and take all the time you need. We miss you there.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Nothing is keeping you here anyway…”

Zell sighted sadly. “Thank you. I’ll think about it. Promised.”

“Fine.”

 

* * *

 

Ward stayed at Seifer’s side while he was unconscious. He wondered the way he could tell him the truth about him, but he knew deep inside he wouldn’t react the same way when he was this little kid. He regretted to have let his son did this experience. He lost him…

“Ward?”

“Zell…”

“How is he?”

“Fine, I guess. He’s still sleeping.”

Zell sat at his left, remaining quiet. Ward looked terribly sad.

“I knew we shouldn’t have let him do this…”

“Ward, it was his choice.”

“He was just an eight-years-old boy, Zell. He wasn’t prepared to this. Anyway, do you think it’s better now? He completely forgot us! How could you take it so lightly?”

Zell felt even more affected by this, even if he didn’t show it. “Do I look to not care about this?”

“I don’t know what you think anymore…”

“Ward, I miss the Seifer we used to know, more than you can imagine.” Zell contained his tears but his voice was shaking. “With the time, you would be able to build another relationship with him. You’re his father. Just give him more time and he will understand. It won’t be so easy than when he was a child, but you’ll see, he will accept you one day. But I can’t say the same thing for myself…”

“Why do you say that?”

“I lost everything. Contrary to you, I’m not a relative. I’m not even a friend anymore. I’m just the Zell he used to hate. I lost my place in his heart and I would never find it back…”

“Don’t say that. If you tell him what you two have shared during these last months, I’m sure he would reconsider his feelings for you.”

“No. You can’t fix what is broken. You can’t force somebody’s feelings. Whatever you could say, I know I lost him. I knew it since the beginning…”

“What? You knew he would lose his memories?”

“I kept hope but deep inside, I knew he wouldn’t remember…”

“So…why did you let him do this?”

“When you love someone, you have to act for his own good and not for yourself. Seifer was suffering when he was this child trapped in this adult body. He wanted something I couldn’t give him…so now, he’s released from his pain.”

“What do you mean by “something you couldn’t give him”?”

“Never mind. It doesn’t matter anymore. I won’t be a burden for you. He’s all yours now.”

“Zell…”

“Thanks to have let me stay by his side. I know it was hard for you to support my presence all the time. I won’t be an obstacle between you and Seifer anymore.”

“You…renounce to him? You won’t even try to talk to him?”

“He doesn’t need me anymore. Nobody does.”

Ward understood Zell’s distress and feared the worse knowing his suicidal tendencies. “Zell, you won’t do something bad, right?”

“No, don’t worry. I won’t try to kill myself and after what I did to Seifer while we were at Barhein, I don’t wanna drink a single drop of alcohol anymore.”

“But, you look so depressed…”

“I finally understood something today…and I’m relieved to see that Seifer forgot me after all. It’s better this way.”

“Is it better for you or for him?”

Zell got up and turned around to walk toward the door. “For him. Bad things happened to the people that I used to love…I wouldn’t have wanted to see him end badly, so it’s better like this. I’m leaving. Take care of him, Ward and thanks for everything.”

“Zell.”

The little blonde faced the door and kept his back on Ward. “What?”

“Don’t lose faith in him. I’m sure one day, he will remember.”

“Hope is cruel. If you don’t want to suffer, don’t expect anything from anyone.”

“But it’s not what you want.”

Zell sighted. “There’re a lot of things that I don’t want, Ward. But guess what? Things don’t happen as you want. If Seifer is happy hating me, then, he can do whatever he wants. I’m no one for him, except Chicken-wuss. Goodbye.”

 

Zell left the room and went on the first balcony to have some fresh air. It was a starry night, the same sort he saw when they were at Fisherman’s horizon, but tonight, there was no shooting star. He fixed the sky sadly and couldn’t help to cry.

“Seifer…”

 

 

The entire gang went back to the Garden after the experience. Zell said goodbye to Ward and didn’t even go to see Seifer a last time before leaving. It was too hard for him. Since Seifer was still asleep, he wouldn’t mind at all anyway. Besides, he lost his memory, so what difference could it be to see him anyway? Zell left with the Garden but he didn’t plan to stay there; he wanted to go back to his home at Balamb for now on. He would think about Squall’s proposition later.

 

* * *

 

The next morning.

Ward got up early. He hadn’t slept at all. He was too anxious for his son. He thought during the whole night about a way to tell him the truth, trying to predict Seifer’s reactions. But he was determined to tell him he was his father, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but he would. Being a child or an adult, the sorceress’s knight or a common citizen, Seifer was still his son and he had no intention to renounce on him. He waited for a reason to live during twenty years and now he got it, he wouldn’t waste it. With the time, Seifer would accept him and they would be a family again…or it was what he wished.

He went to the infirmary but got surprised to see Kiros, Raijin and Fujin talking with two guards.

“Guys? What’s wrong?”

“Ward…” Kiros looked nervous.

“What is it? Where is Seifer?”

Raijin and Fujin looked away. Nobody wanted to tell him. Ward had enough and pushed them to rush toward the room but when he opened the door, he found no one. Just an empty room.

“Where is he? Where is Seifer??”

“We’ve just arrived here and nobody heard or saw him leaving. We’re not even sure he’s still inside the palace.”

“Check the cameras! Hurry!”

“I already gave this order. I also sent soldiers in town to look for him. I don’t think he went really far…”

Ward contained his stress and decided to look for him in person. “I’m gonna make a round in Esthar. Call me if you see him and don’t hurt him.”

“Sure.”

 

* * *

 

Two weeks later.

Zell was back to Esthar for his session with Elise. He wasn’t feeling better but he strangely remained calm and didn’t try to do something stupid.

“Zell. Nice to see you. Come in.”

“Hi Elise.”

He sat in front of her. She immediately understood he was still depressed. Since Squall also started a therapy, he told her what happened with Seifer so she was aware of everything.

“So, how are you?”

“Fine, I guess.”

“Well…is it all what you have to tell me?”

“To be honest with you, I think I expressed everything I had in my heart, so…”

“What about Seifer?”

“I suppose Squall told you, right?”

“Yes he did.” She sighted. “I know about the experience and his sudden departure. President Loire told me Ward is devastated. They look for him since two weeks and no one saw him.”

“Yeah. I think he’s not in Esthar anymore…”

“Where do you think he went?”

“I don’t know.”

“And you don’t care?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“But you thought it.”

“Maybe and what?”

“Do you want to erase every memory of your friendship so badly?”

“What is the point to keep memories when you know this time will never come back? It just produces regrets and pains…”

She laughed.

“What is so funny?”

“You talk like Squall. _“Good moments only exist to be regretted.”_ That’s what he told me the last time I saw him.”

“He’s right.”

“No he’s wrong. We live to create and share good moments. This way, we can treasure it when hard times come because it helps us to get over the pain and to be stronger.”

“It just makes you weaker. When you think about this good time, you also understand that’s the past and it would never come back again.”

“And so? Nothing is eternal. If we had good moments and happiness all the time, we wouldn’t be able to appreciate it like we should.”

“But when you have bad moments all the time, the good ones just make you suffer even more.”

“Ah…it’s always the same feeling.”

“What?”

“The impression to have much more hard times than good moments. Everyone feels the same way when they are depressed. We never value the pleasure and pain the same way. We always have the impression that the pleasure is shorter and smaller than pain…”

“In my case, it’s not just a feeling but a reality.”

“Everyone says the same thing, Zell.”

“You know everything about me. Don’t you think I suffered more than I’ve been happy?”

“I saw you more often in pain than happy, that’s a fact.”

“But?”

“But I can see you don’t value what you’ve got the way you should.”

“What does it mean?”

“Well, let’s take an example: your father. Yes, you lost your father in a tragic circumstance and you blamed yourself for his death during years. But while he was alive, you were happy with him, right?”

“Of course…”

“So you don’t regret to have known him, am I wrong?”

“No you‘re right. But this time with him was so short.”

“Same for Lydia. You were happy when you were living with her at the Garden, didn’t you?”

“Yes…but if I had known she would die, I would…”

“You would have done the things differently. I know, Zell. But you couldn’t predict the future.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Ah? Sorry, I interrupted you. Go on.”

“If I had known that Lydia would have died this day, I would have expressed my love for her every day. I would have cherished her more than I did. I would have told her that I loved her, more and more, and more…”

Elise could feel the despair in Zell’s voice. “And…what about Seifer?”

“It’s different…”

“What is different? Didn’t you love him?”

“In Seifer’s case, I knew there was a risk that he wouldn’t remember what we shared during these last months…”

“There’s more.”

“……”

“You knew, yes, but don’t you have something else to tell me?”

“…….”

“Zell?”

“I…I kinda…wished this.”

She didn’t look surprised at all. With the time, she learned how to make Zell talk and she understood him better than anyone.

“Go on.”

“I wanted this. I wanted to see him forgetting me.”

“Why?”

“Because…I couldn’t give him what he wanted.”

“What did he want?”

“Love. That was something that I couldn’t give him…not in his state when he was a child or now he is “normal” again. I just couldn’t.”

She wasn't completely convinced by his explanation. Of course, there was still a part of truth in Zell’s explanations but also a part of lies that he refused to admit unconsciously.

“Why couldn’t you give it to him?”

“Well, it’s pretty obvious. In his previous state, he was a child and having a physical relationship with him wasn’t something…normal. And now, it’s just impossible because he hates me.”

“You could have waited he grows up. He was already an eight-years-old boy two weeks ago.”

“But it was too complicated to deal with it. Seifer was discovering his body a little more every day and he wanted to do more…lewd things with me. Having sex with an eight-years-old boy was a bit disturbing if you know what I mean.”

“You didn’t mind at all until now.”

“You know it’s not true. I’ve never started this…and I felt ashamed each time we were doing it.”

“Ok, you were embarrassed, but it didn’t stop you.”

“You perfectly know why! Masturbating and having sex is different!”

“Why are you talking about having sex? Did something else happen between you two before the experience?”

“No…I mean, we masturbated together but I already told you the last time…”

She fixed him, raising an eyebrow. “And?”

“Let’s say…he also touched my body in an indecent way…”

“How? Give me details.”

Zell blushed. “You know, I’m starting to think you’re a pervert, asking me so many intimate things…”

“Zell, if I really wanted to see perverted things, I wouldn’t need to ask you to imagine it. I can easily watch a porn movie and I would be satisfied, don’t you think?”

“Yeah, I figure out…but it’s so embarrassing.”

“I can guess. So?”

“…he touched my ass…”

“Did he finger you?”

“No!” Zell was outraged. “Who do you think I am? A whore?”

“I didn’t say that but since you said he touched you in “an indecent way” to use your own words, I can’t help to wonder what he did. Anything else?”

“He…pinched and licked my nipples.”

“Ok…” she wrote it on her note book. “What else?”

“He bit my left nipple.”

She frowned. “Did you feel him biting you?”

 “Yes. I mean, usually I can’t feel anything on the left part of my body but when Seifer touches me there, I felt some tickling sensations. But this time, I felt it. I felt a little pain, but it was as if he had bit my right nipple.”

She took the time to think about this before answering. “Was it after this that you decided to “end” your relationship staying friend with him?”

 “Yes. It went too far and I didn’t know how to deal with it…”

“Was it just for this reason?”

“?”

“Think about what you said earlier: you told me you wished that Seifer forgets you with this experience.”

“And?”

“Why did you wish this if you cared so much about him?”

“I told you why. Because I couldn’t love him in his state and it went too far…”

“No, Zell. You could have done it.”

“Yeah and I would have been a pedophile!”

“That’s not what I mean. You could have loved Seifer…the fact is you didn’t want to.”

“Yes I didn’t want to love a child trapped in an adult body or my former nemesis. That’s true! You were right: I should have never continued this way with him.”

“You’re missing the point again. That’s not for this reason you wanted to stop.”

“Since you’re so brilliant, maybe you could tell me?” asked Zell irritated.

“You were scared to get attached again.”

He laughed at her. “I already got attached to Seifer.”

“Not in this way. You physical handicap makes you remember every day you lost a precious person you loved. But Seifer started slowly to erase this handicap making you feeling sensation on the left part of your body. You hate to be disabled, but it reminds you what you lost this day when Lydia died.”

“…..No, I…” Zell was out of words.

“This handicap…it was an excuse for you to stay in your despair, to live in the past, to not forget Lydia. But when you realized Seifer was slowly helping you to get out of this torment, you panicked. Making you feel sensations again meant healing your handicap, which also meant…turning the page of Lydia, once for all…”

“No…”

“And to let Seifer taking her place in your heart.”

Zell stopped protesting. He was lying to himself unconsciously, but he couldn’t deny that Elise was right. Something changed this day, when he felt Seifer’s bite on his left nipple. He couldn’t describe it, but something changed in their relationship this day.

“Do you get it now?”

“But…if it’s like this, why didn’t I understand it by myself?”

“Zell, after all what you endured, sometimes you can’t think objectively and clearly. There’re always hidden feelings and thoughts in your actions that you can’t see by yourself. It’s my job to help you seeing it.”

“So…I was scared to be healed from my handicap? But I should be happy, on the contrary…”

Elise smiled. “There’s also another reason for this fear. Do you know what is it?”

“…I was…scared to be loved again?”

“Exactly.”

“……”

“Letting Seifer loving you meant to love him back. And after what happened to your father, to Lydia, and knowing Seifer’s past, you were afraid to see something happen to him.”

“……”

“You didn’t completely forgive yourself for your father and Lydia. You managed to accept their death but it didn’t mean that you didn’t have a part of responsibility in this. Unconsciously, you continued to think your father and Lydia died because of you and you also thought that it would have happened to Seifer one day. After all, a lot of people in the world have grieves toward him…and in his state, you knew he wasn’t in position to defend himself. On the other side, even if you would have been there, because of your handicap, you wouldn’t have protected him the way you wanted. You knew you could count on Ward or on Edea and your friends…but it wasn’t enough. You wanted to be able to protect him against everyone but you lost your confidence. You weren’t feeling strong enough even if you would recover the mobility of the left part of your body…so you chose to run away.”

“......”

“Refusing Seifer’s feelings, you kept him away from you. This way, you thought to find Squall’s friendship keeping what you had with Seifer and your love for Lydia. Unfortunately, you didn’t think that Seifer’s feelings would be so strong and that he would do this to make you love him…”

“He gave me a great proof of love doing this…”

“You know, there’s something strange in your attitude.”

“Ah?”

“Yes. I mean, you wanted to see him fail. Actually, if Seifer did this, it was to be “normal” again. This way, he thought he could have made you love him. And for the reasons we talked earlier, you didn’t want to see him succeed. But I can see in your eyes that you can’t help to be disappointed to see he failed. Am I wrong?”

“You already know the answer. Why do you ask?”

“I want to understand what you really want. Did you want to stop being loved and stay in the past, or did you want to give a chance to your story with Seifer?”

“I don’t know…maybe both. But it doesn’t matter anymore. It’s not like it has to do with what I want.”

“It’s important. Tell me.”

“....”

“Zell. Answer me.”

“I think…I wanted to be loved again…and to love again. I wanted to turn the page once for all, but without taking any risk.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m looking for a lover, who will never leave me, who will never die…who will be by my side forever. If I had given this chance to Seifer, one day, he would have left. One day, something would have happened to him…and I’m not strong enough to endure this pain anymore. Maybe that’s why I ran away?”

“Zell, I’d like to tell you that things would be alright for you forever, that the disease, accidents or any bad thing would never happen to you again; I’d like to. But I can’t. No one can predict the future and living in the fear this way is bad for you.”

“Then, what should I do?”

“Just live. What happens happens. You can’t help it. Just live without thinking about the future. Live now.”

“I’m afraid that it’s something that I can’t do…at least not alone.”

“You’re not alone.”

“I’m alone…since Seifer forgot me. And it’s entirely my fault. I let him leave. I accept the consequences.”

“Talk to him.”

“No.”

“Why?”

“It would be too hard to face him. I made my choice when I let him leave, it’s too late now.”

“It’s never too late, Zell.”

“It’s better this way, Elise.”

“So what? You’re gonna live in the melancholy for the rest of your life?”

“No. I think maybe you’re right after all. Good moments exist to make us stronger and to help us to get over the pain. I’ll remember this time with my father, with Lydia, and with Seifer…to forgive myself and to get better.”

“But you will never try to make up with Seifer or with someone else…”

“I’m too weak for this. I don’t have the strength anymore to trust somebody. I won’t be able to live with that risk to lose the one I love again…”

“So you prefer to close your heart forever?”

“No one can ever say never. I don’t close it entirely. Miracles exist after all.”

Elise closed her book and took off her glasses. “In that case, I don’t think our sessions would be useful anymore.”

“You’re right.”

“But it doesn’t mean you’re healed, Zell.”

“I know. You did your best but this part of me will never be healed.”

“Didn’t you say no one can ever say never?”

“Yeah, I guess…” he laughed.

“I believe in miracles. What about you?”

“I think I believe in it. It depends of what you do call a “miracle”.”

“I think the correct definition is “a person or thing that is a marvelous example of something”.”

“If you say so…”

“Well, we’re done. If you want to come back to see me, feel free to come here or to call me anytime you want.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

“I mean, not just for the therapy and all. I also thank you to have talked with Squall.”

“Oh…you don’t have to thank me. You needed to make up with him to get better so it was a part of my job, you know?”

“No. I think you went further than your obligation. You didn’t want to reconcile me with Squall because of my therapy. You felt I needed it…”

She smiled. “Am I discovered?”

“Yes. I don’t know how you managed to do it, but I don’t want to know. I’m just really thankful that you did it and for all what you’ve done to me.”

“I’m happy to have helped you, Zell. But please, don’t forget what I said.”

“About what?”

“About living. Just live, or at least, try.”

“I will think about this, promised. You know, I thought a lot lately and I decided to accept Squall’s offer.”

“So you’re gonna go back to the Garden?”

“Yes. It’s time to go back “home”. “

“It’s a good thing. I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks for everything Elise.” The two of them got up and Zell didn’t resist hugging Elise in his arms. She was touched by his affection. Even being an adult, Zell still had some childish gestures sometimes.

 

* * *

 

Zell went back to Balamb city after his last session with Elise. He stayed at his home with his mother and visited his father and Lydia’s graves every week. But even if he didn’t talk about it, he missed Seifer’s presence terribly. It was written on his face.

One night, during the dinner.

“So, are you ready for tomorrow?”

“Yes. I’m a bit nervous. I hope everything would be alright.”

“It’s a good thing you go back to work. I’m sure the Garden missed you…and you missed it too, right?”

“I don’t think my students missed me a lot. I was a terrible teacher.”

“It was another time, darling. Now, you’re healed, I’ve no doubt that you will do a great job.”

“That’s what Squall said. I don’t want to disappoint him again…”

“You won’t, don’t worry. How is he? Does he continue his therapy with Elise?”

“Yes. He made great progress with his father. They even went to visit Raine’s grave together the last week.”

“I’m happy to see he’s doing well. You know, he was really sorry for you when you fell in depression.”

“I know.”

“Everyone felt so useless…but thanks to Elise and Seifer, you went back on your feet. I can’t describe how much I missed your blissful smile…”

“Ma…” Zell hugged his mother in his arms. “I’m so sorry to have given you so many hard times…”

“I should be the one to apologize, darling. I was so blind about your father’s death and… “

“It belongs to the past now. Let’s stop thinking about this.”

“You’re right.”

The two of them stayed quiet during a long time when Margaret finally broke the silence.

“You know, I called Ward this afternoon.”

“Ah?”

“Yes…he’s still looking for Seifer.”

“I know. Kiros and Laguna told me.”

“I wonder why Seifer left and where he went…poor Ward. He was so happy to have a son, and now, he disappears…”

“Yeah…” Zell was a bit curious about the nature of the call so he changed the subject of the conversation. “Tell me, you didn’t call him only to have news about the researches to find Seifer, right?”

“Well, I have to confess that I also wanted to make up with him. I’m not particularly proud of myself about the way our relationship ended last time.”

“So? What did you tell him?”

“I proposed him to meet me at Esthar. I’m gonna visit him Friday, after your departure for the Garden.”

“It’s nice. I’m a bit surprised he accepted. Don’t take it for you, but knowing Ward, I thought he would have wanted to stay focused on his researches to find Seifer.”

“He has no intention to stop looking for him…but I think he starts to understand that if his son disappears, it’s because maybe he doesn’t want to know anything about him, or to have contact with all of us…”

“Maybe…”

Maggie approached and touched his son’s cheek. “Do you still think about him?”

“It’s hard to forget him, after all what happened the last months…”

“Yeah…but you act strangely since this day.”

“What do you mean?”

“You became…cold, when we talk about him, as if he was just an old acquaintance.”

“Is he not what he is? An old acquaintance?”

“He was more than that, Zell.”

“Yes. He **WAS**.”

 Zell really hated to talk about Seifer, but everyone was talking about him all the time. Everyone, except Squall. It was probably for this reason that the two friends became really close lately.

“I’m sorry. I know you don’t like to think about him…”

“Never mind. Let’s eat. I’m hungry!”

 

* * *

 

Margaret left Balamb for Esthar to meet Ward Friday as she planned. After a long travel with the train, she arrived in Esthar city. The two of them went to the town, to have a drink. Ward looked really depressed, but happy on the same time to see Maggie again.

They went to a pub and ordered hot drinks. They chose a table, at the back of the pub to have some privacy; at the beginning, they were pretty embarrassed and didn’t dare look each other in the eyes, but after some minutes, they began to feel more at ease.

“You know…I’m glad you came. You’re…beautiful with this dress.”

Maggie blushed and hid her embarrassment behind her cup of tea. “Oh…you like it?”

“Yes. It really suits you.”

“Thanks…”

Another long and embarrassing silence.

“So…how are you?”

“I’m fine…I’m just a bit tired. I haven’t stopped looking for Seifer in the whole world with Kiros. I travelled with the Ragnarok night and day, visited all the cities and continents, but I couldn’t find him anywhere. It’s as if he vanished…”

“I’m sorry. I suppose I disturbed you during your researches?”

“No! Not at all! Actually, I wanted to take a break so it’s a good thing you called me. And I have to say that…I really missed you.”

“I missed you too.” She collected her courage and decided to be honest with him. “Ward, listen: I’m really sorry for the last time. I even didn’t take the time to consider your feelings and your reasons. I acted like a teenager…”

“It was my fault, Maggie. I couldn’t even give you a good reason.”

“I know why you did this.”

“Huh?”

“Yes. Before going in his past with Odine’s machine, Seifer told me everything.”

“Everything?”

  “I know he asked you to end our relationship and…he apologized. I think he really regretted to have asked you this when he saw how much it affected us…”

“I see. Did he tell you why?”

“No. He just said that he had a good reason for this. I’m sure it’s related to Zell but I don’t understand what it could be…”

“I thought the same way. He pretended it was because he didn’t want to see another woman take his mother’s place but it was obviously a lie. Do you think Zell knows anything about this?”

“I don’t think so. But to be honest, I don’t want to ask him anything about Seifer. Zell tried to hide this but it really broke him.”

“I saw that. How is he doing at the Garden?”

“He started about three days ago and when I called him yesterday, he seemed to be fine. But even if he is physically fine, I can’t help to worry for his mental state…”

“Squall told to his father they watch him very closely to keep him sober.”

“I know…but I don’t want to see him going back to his demons.”

“Trust him. I’m sure he’s alright. When we would find Seifer, he would get better.”

“Yes, you’re right.”

“Anyway, Edea called me this morning. She’s coming to Esthar. She has something to tell me.”

“Ah? About what?”

“I don’t know but it sounded important. Does it bother you?”

“Not at all. When are you supposed to meet her?”

“This evening. She planned to stay for the night with Cid at Esthar Palace.”

“Good…” They finished their drinks and didn’t know what to say or to do.

“So…what now?” asked Ward uncertain.

“I don’t know…”

“Do you want to give us another chance?”

“I think so…what about you?”

“It would be great…I couldn’t stop thinking about you since you left, and I missed your cook.”

Ma laughed hearing Ward’s joke. She knew he was greedy.

“Would you like I prepare an apple pie for you?”

“I’d love to.”

 

* * *

 

Six months later.

Zell continued his work at the Garden. He found his license again and taught modern history. Since he was still disabled, he couldn’t become an instructor or going on the battlefield, so he stayed a simple teacher. It didn’t seem to affect him at all. On the contrary, he liked better this situation now. No responsibility, no risk, no need to fight…he preferred to live peacefully, far away from the battlefield, from death and pain.

He stayed sober and didn’t try to kill himself anymore. Sometimes, he called Elise to give her some news. He passed his free time working or seeing his friends and his mother. Ma and Ward were going out but they still lived in different cities. They saw each other often, but Ward stayed in Esthar, while Ma kept her home at Balamb. Seifer was still nowhere to be found.

 

One morning, the last day before the beginning of the holidays.

“Squall? Did you want to see me?”

“Zell. Come in.”

The blonde entered in his office and sat in front of him. “Is there anything I can do for you?”

“It’s time to have a break. You worked really hard since you came back.”

“Did I do something wrong?”

“Not at all. Actually, I’m pretty satisfied of your hard work but students are in holidays today and I want you take some days for you.”

“I’m fine, really. I can prepare my lessons for the next year and…”

“Zell. This is not a request but an order. You did a good job and I’m proud of you, as all of us. But it’s time to have some rest and to take few days.”

“Yes; I think you’re right after all. I didn’t take even a week since I came back.”

“Good to see you agreeing with me. You’re free to leave immediately. I’m gonna visit my father at the end of the week.”

“Great. Did you finish your therapy with Elise?”

“Yes. She helped me a lot. Same for you…”

“Yes, but it’s annoying to admit she’s right all the time.”

“Tell me about it! It gets on my nerves, especially when she understands things before yourself!”

“She’s pretty good at this. I understand why she’s so famous in Esthar.”

“Anyway, how is your mother? I saw her with Ward about one week ago.”

“Ward came to Balamb last week. We had dinner together. I think it works pretty well between them. I’m glad she finally found love again. Ward is a good man.”

“Yes…but don’t you believe it would be the right time to think about this for you too?”

“I’m not interested for now on.”

“I saw that. Irvine dragged you with Selphie in this pub last night and you managed to drive them crazy. They really worked hard to match you with someone…”

“Oh please Squall, not you! I already have problems to deal with Selphie, Irvine and Rinoa…”

Squall laughed. “Sorry. Rinoa made me promise to try.”

“Try what?”

“To convince you to date someone. But I perfectly understand you, so I won’t insist.”

“Thanks.” Zell got up. “I’m gonna prepare my bag. How many days can I take?”

“You can stay as long as you want.”

“Good. I’ll probably take one week…”

“Two weeks. Don’t you dare come back before or I’ll ask to the concierge to not let you pass.”

“Yes Commander!” agreed Zell mocking the seed salute. “Well, I’m leaving. Thanks.”

“Enjoy and have some rest.”

 

* * *

 

Zell left the Garden just before the lunch and joined his mother at Balamb. He stayed at home four days before buying a train ticket. He wanted to travel to change air. Balamb was nice but there was a long time he hadn’t travelled alone, by himself. Usually, he always moved with the Garden, or with his mother. Now, he needed to be alone, to have some intimacy…to think about certain things that he always tried to forget working. His thoughts about Seifer were never far and even if he hadn’t seen him since six months, he couldn’t forget him. He was still worried and wondered where he could have gone. He made his own researches, calling hotels and city halls in different cities to see if anyone had seen him. But nothing. It was as if he had never existed…and nobody seemed to care.

When Zell arrived at Timber, he decided to take another train to reach Fisherman’s horizon. He liked this city because it was a peaceful place. People were nice and pacifist. Besides, it was there that he shared his last moments with Seifer…before he forgot him.

He arrived at the end of the day and went directly to the little hostel, at the port.

“Hi Sir! Would you like a room for the night?”

“Yes please. I’m gonna stay few days.”

“You arrived at the right time because there’s no one in the room. The first customers should arrive next week, so you won’t have to share your room with strangers.”

“Great.”

“Would you like a breakfast for tomorrow morning?”

“Yes please. And the newspaper.”

“Sure.”

Zell took the opportunity to question the woman. “hum…I don’t know if you remind me but I came about six months ago with two other men. A big and strong one, and a tall blonde with green eyes and a scar between the eyes.”

The woman thought. “Let me see…yes, I remember. Why do you ask?”

“Did you see this man in your city since that time?”

“The strong one?”

“No. The blonde one with the scar.”

“Hum…no. Don’t think so. Did something happen to him?”

“Never mind. I just asked you this by curiosity. So you haven’t seen him at all?”

“No. Sorry. I would remember it. This is a small town…”

“Yes. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Have a nice stay and welcome to Fisherman’s horizon.”

Zell went upstairs and deposed his bag on the couch. The bedroom hadn’t changed at all since the last time he came here with Ward and Seifer.

Since he already ate outside, he went directly to the bathroom to take a shower. It was already late, but the temperature was pretty hot, so after his shower, Zell went on the roof to have some fresh air and to observe the city lights under the starry night. Fisherman’s horizon never slept. The city was full of noises, scents and activities, night and day. The boats coming back and leaving the port, the shops open 24h a day, the street food, kids playing in the streets, running after cats and dogs, the fishermen talking about their catch…it was a lively town. Zell liked it…but he couldn’t appreciate it as he wanted. Being alone was hard to endure sometimes. People would say he wasn’t alone since he had his friends and his family, but this company wasn’t the one he needed. He wanted to have someone to love, someone who cared about him…someone to talk and to cherish. It was his fault. After all, he refused all the dates Selphie, Rinoa and Irvine proposed to him. In the end, there was only one person he wanted…and this person vanished. He wondered often what he would say to Seifer if they met again…and nothing came to his mind. Maybe because he already accepted that he would never see him again?

 

 

The next morning.

After a shower, Zell dressed and got ready to go downstairs to have his breakfast. He had taken some documents with him to work and was about to put it on his bag again when the file fell on the floor. Sheets covered the whole place and some even slipped under the bed.

“Damn it!” cursed Zell.

He put his knees on the floor and grabbed it under the bed. Dragging the documents with his hands also brought the little carpet in his way. He was about to put it at his place when he felt something hard. He checked it and saw a little pearl. It was a green and blue pearl. He looked at the small thing with insistence and wondered where he saw this…when the memory came back to him quickly.

 

 

_Ten months ago._

_“Zell? Can I open it now?”_

_“Not now.”_

_“But you said I could open it after the dinner.”_

_“We are waiting for Ward.”_

_“But Dad is stuck in the bathroom!”_

_“He shouldn’t have eaten that much. I know Ma’s apple pie is the best but he’s too greedy.”_

_“Next time, I’ll just make a fruit salad.”_

_“No, just make a smaller one.”_

_“Fine.”_

_Seifer was out of patience. He had enough to wait for his father, so he got up and knocked at the door of the toilets._

_“Dad! Hurry! I wanna open my presents!!”_

_“I’ll do my best, son…”_

_“Do harder!”_

_“Don’t wait for me and open it…”_

_“No. You have to be there so hurry up!!”_

_“Ok, ok…”_

_Zell and Margaret burst in laugh. It was Seifer’s birthday and they decided to have a little party in their home at Balamb for him. They invited the orphanage gang and Edea. Only Squall was missing. Laguna, Kiros and Ellone stayed at Esthar._

_“Dad!!”_

_“I’m done!” Ward finally left eh bathroom. “Don’t be so impatient, Seifer!”_

_“Then, don’t eat that much! It’s your fault!”_

_“I can’t help it. Maggie’s pie was so delicious…”_

_“I know but you practically ate the whole pie!”_

_“Alright guys, come back and let’s open your presents, Seifer.” Concluded Edea._

_“Yes! Yes!”_

_Seifer received a lot of presents this day: books, movies, a watch, and even some clothes. He enjoyed this time with his friends and his father._

_But after the party, everyone went back to the Garden, except Ward who stayed at home with Seifer, Zell and Maggie. Zell and Seifer were sharing the same room since the house wasn’t big. They said goodnight to Maggie and Ward and went to bed._

_“It was really great. Thank you.”_

_“You’re welcome.” Zell suddenly recalled something. “Oh! I almost forgot!”_

_“What?” frowned Seifer._

_Zell looked for something in his cupboard and held a little package to Seifer. “Here.”_

_“What is it?”_

_“My present. Open up.”_

_“But you already gave me your present earlier…”_

_“Yes but this one is special. I made it myself.”_

_“Ah?”_

_“Yes. Open up.”_

_Seifer smiled and opened his present, impatient, when he saw a little wristband with blue and green pearls and leather._

_“I chose the items with Matron. We thought you would like these colors. What do you think about it?”_

_“It’s beautiful.”_

_“Really? You know, you can tell me if you don’t like it. I won’t be mad.”_

_“I love it! More than anything because you made it for me. I’ll never remove it!”_

_“I’m glad you like it.”_

_Seifer approached and kissed Zell on the cheek, making him blush. “Thank you very much, Zell. This way, I would think about you when you won’t be there.”_

_“But I will always be there with you, Seifer. You don’t have to worry for that.”_

_“Yes. Thanks.”_

 

 

Zell remembered that scene and understood that Seifer came here. He wondered why and how this pearl arrived here, but it proved that he came here. Maybe he was still in the city?

He went downstairs quickly, picking the pearl with him. The tenant welcomed him with a smile. She already had prepared his breakfast.

“Good morning, Sir! Did you sleep well?”

“Not bad at all. Thanks.” He sat without taking his eyes of her. “Would you sit down please?”

“What?”

“I need to ask you something. Please. It won’t be long.”

In front of Zell’s instance, the woman nodded. “Well, I’ve nothing to do right now, so…what can I do for you?”

Zell kept his calm but lost his smile. “I’ll ask you once again: have you seen the tall blonde guy I mentioned yesterday?”

The lady looked embarrassed but she kept saying the same answer. “No. I already told you this yesterday. Why do you ask me that again?”

He picked up the pearl in his pocket and showed it to her. “I found this under my bed this morning. This pearl belongs to a wristband he used to wear, so don’t tell you haven’t seen him because we both know you’re lying.”

She looked down, biting her bottom lip.

“Where is he?”

“…”

“Is he still in town?”

“…”

“Why do you refuse to speak? Why did you lie to me?”

“I don’t know your intentions.”

“He’s my friend. I’ve no intention to hurt him.”

“But he doesn’t want to see you or anyone else, so why should I tell you?”

“So he’s still here, right?”

She regretted immediately to have said that and remained quiet. 

“Did Seifer talk to you about me?”

“Not really. He just asked me to not mention to anyone that he was here, especially to a big and strong guy and a blonde with a tattoo on the face.”

“And you never asked why?”

“If he didn’t think useful to tell me, I had no right to ask him. It’s his private life.”

“So why do you help him to hide? Do you know who he is?”

“No. I just know his first name and I never asked more details anyway.”

“Why do you do this for him?”

She crossed her hands together. “Tell me first why you want to find him. I want to be sure that you won’t hurt him.”

“Miss, as you can see by yourself, I’m disabled. I’m shorter than him. Do you really think I could hurt him judging my condition?”

She hesitated but didn’t deny he was right.

“Seifer is a friend of mine. He was living with me and the big guy you saw the last time we came together. This is his father. And one day, Seifer disappeared without any reason. We didn’t have a fight or anything. Nobody understood why he left so suddenly and since this day, we look for him everywhere. Now I told you everything, it’s your turn.”

She took her time before finally answered. “He arrived about six months ago, one night. He was alone and homeless. He told me he had no money and he would work for free if I could let him sleep here. I refused so he went back in the streets. The next day, at the evening, I saw him, curled in a ball, in the street, trying to warm himself with his coat. He was shaking. The weather was really cold and the rain began to fall, so I told him to come with me and I accepted to let him sleep at the hostel; There was no customer at this time, so his presence didn’t disturb me. The next day, he fixed my roof and he even cleaned the bedroom, so I decided to keep him with me to make repairs. In exchange, I let him sleep here for free.”

“So he was here all along?”

“Yes; He never left since the day he arrived. His father came to the hostel and he made me promise to not tell to anyone that he was here. He really helped me a lot here, so I owed him this. I don’t know what he did and why he wanted to stay away from these people, but I don’t think he’s a bad guy…”

“Where is he now?”

 “At my brother’s home. It’s the little house, near of the station. My brother is a handyman and everybody in the town brings him something to repair. But he broke his arm about three months ago, so Seifer proposed him to help him. In exchange, and to avoid to meet customers at the hostel, he sleeps there. My brother left for Trabia. He has a friend at Shumi village and he went to visit him about one week ago, so Seifer is alone at the house now.”

“Thank you.” Zell got up and was about to leave when the woman grabbed his hand.

“You…won’t cause him trouble? Promised?”

“No. You don’t have to worry for that. I just want to talk with him.”

“Ok…Seifer has a bad temper and he can be really exasperating sometimes, but he’s a good boy.”

“I know. Thanks again.”

 

* * *

 

Seifer was having a break. He just finished to repair an old radio and was trying it when he heard someone knocking at the door.

“It’s open. Come in.”

He stayed on his back, searching a radio station. He couldn’t see who just entered.

“Gina? Is that You? I hope you brought me a better lunch than yesterday because it was really disgusting! Damn! Why do you put so much salt in your cook and why…” but he stopped talking when he saw his visitor.

“Hi.”

With the shock, he let fall the radio he just repaired on the floor and the poor thing broke instantly. Seifer was pale, eyes wide open.

“What…are you doing here?”

“I’m in holidays.”

The atmosphere was particularly uncomfortable for Seifer who just wanted to leave. Zell was the last person he expected to see here.

 “I’m alone.” Said Zell, even if Seifer didn’t ask anything.

“How…did you find me?”

Zell showed the little pearl he had in his pocket. “I found it this morning, so I asked to the tenant. She told me where you were.”

Seifer recognized the pearl and moved closer to grab it. “Where did you find it?”

“Under the bed. I wonder why it was there…”

“I broke accidentally my wristband. I thought I collected all the pearls but I was wrong…” Seifer ignored Zell and went back to his place to collect the pieces of the broken radio. “Fuck…after all the time I passed to repair it…such a waste of time.”

Zell felt a bit hurt to be ignored this way. He approached, fixing Seifer.

“Why did you leave so suddenly? Everyone is looking for you and Ward is worried.”

“The world isn’t that big. If you really wanted to know where I was, you would have found me a long time ago.”

Seifer went to the table and started to fix the broken pieces, as if Zell wasn’t there. The other blonde joined him and sat, in front of him.

“That comedy you played after you woke up…you remembered everything…and you said nothing.” Accused Zell.

Seifer lifted his head and fixed him. “You said nothing either…Zell.”

 “You were supposed to be the one to say it!” reproached Zell slamming his fist on the table. Some of the broken pieces fell again on the floor.  

Seifer didn’t lose his cool and picked it on the floor. “Wasn’t what you wanted?”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Didn’t you want to stay away from me?”

“I’ve never said that.”

“As long as I was a child, it was ok for you. What about now?”

“Is it why you left without telling us?”

“Be honest with yourself, Dincht. You didn’t want to see the old Seifer back, did you?”

“Don’t you dare talking about what I want. You know nothing about what I want!”

“Ok. So what do you want?” asked simply Seifer.

“I want…I want…” but Zell was out of words.

“See. You even don’t know how to finish your sentence.” Seifer got up and gave up repairing the radio. He threw the piece in the trash can, keeping his back on Zell. “Try to find your own answers before asking questions to the others.”

“Is that a reproach? What was I supposed to think when you called me like you used to do, immediately after you woke up? You acted like a jerk! I thought you forgot me.”

“And did you ever try to make me remember anything?”

“Did you leave because I didn’t try? Because you were mad at me?”

“No. I left because I understood this situation suited you better.”

“What?”

“You perfectly got what I mean: it suited you to see that I forgot everything because it gave you the good excuse to end this. That was what you wanted. Don’t deny it.”

“I told you to stop talking at my place about what I feel!”

“I wouldn’t need to do it if you were capable to admit it.”

“You pretend to know everything about me, but you know nothing! Absolutely nothing!” yelled Zell.

Seifer stayed calm. It was as if nothing could make him lose his self-control. “What do you expect from me now? You pushed me away and when I leave, you chase after me. You don’t want me as a child, but you don’t want me as I am now either. What should I do to please you, Dincht? Tell me!”

No answer came. Seifer was right. Zell didn’t know what he wanted…and he hated it.

“I’m tired to knock at the door which remains closed. You didn’t want the child I was but you hate the man I am. So why should I have stayed? Why should I have told you where I went?”

“What about Ward?”

“That’s another story and it’s not your business.”

They avoided eye-contact. The both of them were confused. Nobody knew what to do, especially Zell.

“You know, while I was trying to get my soul back, I recalled some events of my life that I forgot…”

“Like what?”

“Our quarrels, my rivalry with Squall or what I did to him in D-District…” Then, Seifer finally found the strength to look at Zell in the eyes. “Or…what I did to you in the shower when we were at the Garden.”

Zell blushed and looked away. It never forgot it but he actually didn’t think about this since a long ago.

“I understand your hatred toward me. It’s not like you could erase years of humiliation like this, just snapping your fingers. I expect nothing from you.”

Seifer turned around and washed his hands. Zell came closer and put his head against Seifer’s back, as if he was looking for comfort.

“Don’t leave me.” Whispered Zell against Seifer’s back.

“……”

“This loneliness…is unbearable. I don’t want to be alone anymore. Please…don’t leave me.”

“You’re the one who left.”

“Don’t..you know since all this time that..I’m a coward? Is it not why you started to call me “Chicken-wuss”?” he asked, crying. 

“I call you this way because of your stupid hair cut.”

“Yeah…even physically I’m pitiful…”

Seifer moved slowly and took Zell in his arms to hug him. He could feel he needed human contact; he needed to be comforted, to be loved…and to love again.

“I suppose you’re staying?”

“What?...you..’re gonna throw me out?” continued to cry Zell, face pressed against Seifer’s chest.

The tall blonde kissed his hair tenderly and caressed the back of his head. “I should…”

Seifer knew he shouldn’t do that. Letting Zell giving him hope meant knocking at the same door again and again…with the risk to see it remaining closed. But maybe this time would be different?

 

 

Zell went back to the hostel to grab his things. During this time, Seifer was preparing the dinner. He took this occasion to empty the bottles of the beers he had in his fridge while Zell wasn’t there. He just finished when he arrived.

“Why are you throwing your beers?” asked Zell, deposing his bag on the floor.

“You won’t be tempted this way.”

Zell felt touched to see that Seifer cared about him enough to do this. “Thank you but you really didn’t need to. I’m sober now.”

“I know.”

The little blonde wasn’t convinced completely. “Are you still mad at me because of what I did to you at Barhein?”

“I forgot it a long time ago.”

“If you forgot, you wouldn’t have thrown your beers…” said Zell, pouting.

Seifer rolled his eyes and took a bottle with him. “Look. It is out of the date. Satisfied now?”

Zell read the date. It was effectively out of the date, but he couldn’t help to think that Seifer did this for him. He just wondered if he was still thinking about the time he attacked him.

“Stop making this face. I told you it’s forgotten. Hurry and up and help me to set the table instead of keeping your ass on the chair.”

“Such a gentleman…”

 

 

Seifer’s cook wasn’t bad at all. Actually, it was pretty good. He had prepared scalloped potatoes and mushroom omelet for two.

“I didn’t know you cooked so well…”

 “I have a lot of other skills, you know?”

“I can guess! Well, let me do the dishes at least.” Zell went to the washbasin, carrying his plate and his glass. He filled the basin with water and began.

Seifer was staring at him from behind, enjoying the view he had on Zell’s ass. During these last six months, he hadn’t done anything with anyone. He masturbated sometimes, but nothing else, so he was a bit sexually frustrated.

Zell was focused on his work and didn’t hear Seifer coming closer. The tall blonde pressed his chest against Zell’s back, whispering to his ear.

“You know…I didn’t forget this either…” said Seifer, caressing Zell’s left arm with his fingers. He used his other one to touch his chest through his shirt.

 Zell didn’t take a lot of time to understand that Seifer was referring to the time they were masturbating together, using the word “this”. He began to feel hot but didn’t protest.

Seifer’s fingers were running along his left arm while his other hand was now under Zell’s shirt, pinching his left nipple.

“Do you still feel nothing when I touch you?”

“N..no…” lied Zell.

“Really? Looks like you get some…reactions.” Teased Seifer, still whispering to his ear.

“it..it’s because you’re..touching me like this…” replied Zell even more embarrassed.

“You don’t seem to hate it…”

“It..ain’t the point..”

Seifer stopped touching Zell’s arm to grab his chin to kiss him. The both of them almost forgot how much it was good. But the more they kissed, the more they wanted to go further. They eventually broke the kiss to breathe. While he was distracting the little blonde kissing him, Seifer was rubbing Zell’s erection through his pants.

“Did you let anybody touch you like this after me?”

Zell shook his head. “No..one…”

“Good, because I hate to see people touching what is mine.”

“Who..said..i was yours?”

“I said it.” Seifer had enough to tease Zell trough his clothes so he slipped one hand in his pants. He could feel Zell’s cock dripping. “You’re already wet down here…”

“Shut up…you don’t need to comment it…” replied Zell exasperated.

“The bed. Now.”

Seifer dragged Zell by the arm to the bed. He pushed the little blonde on his back and jumped on the top of him, attacking his mouth with a hungry kiss. On the same time, he took the occasion to strip completely Zell since he was focused kissing him. Seifer released his mouth and took the time to stare at him straight in the eyes, without saying a word, as if he wanted to check if Zell really wanted this but also to reassure him. Zell seemed more than ok and looked impatient, when Seifer felt he was rocking his hips against his body.

The scarred blonde attacked his neck, then his chest with his tongue, licking the sweaty and salty flesh. With his other hand, he continued to stroke Zell’s cock slowly, just to keep him erect, which was pretty effective. He focused his attention on his left nipple five minutes, biting it softly, just enough to make Zell react and went down, spreading widely his legs. Zell was hard like a rock. He began to lick the top of his organ, teasing him, before swallowing the whole thing.

Zell arched his back, grabbing the pillow with his right hand to contain his orgasm. He really wanted to come after have been so teased, but it was too soon. Besides, he absolutely didn’t want to come in Seifer’s mouth.

“Don’t hold back and come.” Said Seifer quickly before sucking his cock back.

“But…no..t in your..mouth. Let..go..Seifer..” moaned Zell. But even if he asked Seifer to stop, the other man didn’t listen, pushing Zell to his limit.

“Please..stop..” murmured Zell between groans of pleasure…but after few minutes, he released himself inside of Seifer’s mouth. He barely could think normally after that since he was recovering from his orgasm.

“You came a lot…”

“Ah..told you..ah..to stop..” said Zell breathing heavily.

Seifer grabbed him by the waist and made him sat, back on him. Zell frowned. “What..are you doing?”

“I’m preparing you. Spread your legs.”

While Zell was opening his legs, back on Seifer, he could feel the other blonde taking off his clothes. He went back to him, pressing his chest against Zell’s back and made him relax. He took his legs and opened it widely. Zell’s legs were now on Seifer’s tights.

“Have you ever done it with a man before?”

“No…” admitted Zell blushing.

“Well, it will be a first time for the both of us. Try to relax.”

Seifer kissed Zell’s neck from behind to distract him while he was introducing a first finger in his tight entrance. With his other hand, he was rubbing his cock again to stimulate him both sides.

“Not th..there…” protested Zell, without giving more details.

“Where there? Front or back?”

“Fr..front..or I’ll come again…”

“You can come as much as you want. Don’t hold back.”

He slowly stretched his insides with one, then two and finally three fingers. He really took his time, almost one hour to prepare Zell. But doing this, he also made him come two other times. Zell was drained. The stimulations from the front and the back excited him too much. He was exhausted but on the other side, he didn’t want to stop.

Seifer finally stopped and pushed him against the bed, to make him lie down on his stomach.

“Lift your hips.”

Zell positioned his body for his lover, ready to welcome his cock. Seifer could read Zell’s impatience in his face, but also in his body language. His little hole was twitching, and his hips were shaking. It was as if his whole body was screaming to be fucked.

“I’m put it in.”

“Hu..rry…”

Seifer couldn’t help to laugh. “I didn’t know you wanted me so bad.” He thrust him in a single move but not roughly.

“Aaah!!”

“What? Don’t tell me it hurts? I prepared you enough…”

“You..’re…”

“Incredible?” tried to guess Seifer.

“An…idiot..” replied Zell, still moaning.

“Ah…that’s not what I like to hear, Chickie…” Seifer started to move, moving in and out. When he felt that Zell became accustomed, he did it faster and deeper.

“If I had known that you were a so good fuck, I wouldn’t have waited for so long…” exclaimed Seifer still penetrating. “Damn! Your ass is squeezing my cock so tightly that I barely can move!”

 “Can’t..you just..shut up? You’re distracting me..” complained Zell, hiding his face on the pillow.

“Don’t worry for this. I’m gonna make you stay focused only on me.” Seifer took his cock out of Zell’s hole and made him roll on his back to face him.

“What are you doing?”

“I wanna see your face when you come.”

“Pervert!”

“You call me pervert? Wasn’t that you who started my sexual education?” smirked Seifer, recalling to Zell the time they were masturbating together.

But instead of embarrassing him, Zell used this on Seifer. “If..i remember correctly, weren’t you the one..who started this? _“Zell…my pee-pee is hard too…”_ replied Zell laughing, mocking Seifer when he was a kid.

It made effect and really exasperated Seifer who became pissed. “Wanna play this little game, Chickie? Then, you better be prepared for this because after a long time of abstinence, I won’t be satisfied with one sitting!”

He entered him even deeper, reaching Zell’s good spot.

“Aahh! There! There!!”

At this time, Seifer noticed something strange with Zell. He was enjoying it a lot, maybe too much to not see two fingers of his left hand were moving. Seifer grabbed his left hand with his hand and continued to satisfy him, taking his own pleasure on the same time.

Seifer liked to tease people but he usually hated to be teased back, and Zell learned it during the whole night. Even if he was exhausted, Seifer was insatiable and continued to do him again and again, until he finally stopped.

“Pfew!”  sighted Seifer rolling on his back to recover. “Don’t know for you but I’m satisfied…”

Zell was out of energy.

“Chicken? Are you there?”

“Fuck..you Almasy…” he replied with difficulties. “I can’t feel ..my ass anymore…I told you to not come..inside..”

“I’ll help you to clean yourself.”

“You won’t put anything else in my ass anymore. Not even a finger.”

“Yeah, yeah…and tomorrow, you’ll beg me to fuck you again.”

“In your dreams.”

Seifer couldn’t help to laugh and went back to Zell, pressing his body against his, kissing his neck tenderly.

“Hey…”

“Mmm?”

“You said earlier that you had a long time of abstinence. When was the last time you did it?”

 “Does it matter?”

“You asked me and I answered you, so it’s your turn. So?”

Seifer didn’t reply immediately. He continued to kiss Zell in the ear, avoiding his eyes.

“The last time was with you.” He admitted, hiding his face on his neck.

“Really? Why?”

“Dunno…” lied Seifer. Actually, since his departure, he never stopped thinking about Zell and wanted nobody else. But he was too proud to admit it.

Even if Zell was a bit slow, he wasn’t dense at this point and understood it perfectly; but also knew that Seifer would never say it out loud, so he didn’t insist.

“Goodnight Seifer.”

“ ‘night…”

 

They fell asleep in each other arms, without adding another word. In other times, they needed to talk to understand what they were feeling. At this period, Seifer was too young to understand his own feelings, but it was a different story now. A part of Zell missed the little Seifer. He was so endearing…but also liked the man who was sleeping in his arms. Of course, Seifer was still proud and a bit arrogant, but there was something different in him…and Zell liked him better this way.

 

 

The next morning

Zell’s hips were hurting him and he took several minutes to be able to stand on his feet. But he absolutely didn’t regret the previous night with Seifer. It had been really intense…also exhausting, but intense and savage.

He joined the other blonde who was preparing the breakfast, half naked.

“Finally awake, Princess?”

“Shut up.”

“Morning to you too, baby. I slept very well. Thanks for asking.”

“Who cares to know you slept well? My ass hurts like hell and I passed fifteen minutes to clean it in the shower!”

“Oh…and I missed that? I’d love to see my come leaking out of your sweet ass…” teased Seifer, deposing a cup of coffee on the table and a plate with butter, bread and jam for Zell.

“You’re a bloody pervert, Almasy.”

“Yeah…but I thought you liked it?” he asked, kissing his ear.

“Who said I didn’t?” Zell smirked and stole him a kiss before attacking his breakfast. “Thanks for the breakfast.”

“Don’t take this habit. I’m a good host but don’t abuse of my kindness.”

“Yeah…”kindness”.” Said with irony Zell.

The two of them started to eat. Seifer was drinking his coffee, fixing Zell.

“For how long are you gonna stay in Fisherman’s Horizon?”

“Squall forced me to take two weeks so…”

“I see. So, you came back to the Garden?”

 “Yes. They hired me again as a modern history teacher. I can’t be an instructor or go to the battlefield because of my handicap.”

“I know. Did you continue your physical reeducation sessions?”

“Not really.”

“And…what about your therapy?”

“I went to see Elise a last time after your sudden departure…but I didn’t come back since then. We agreed that I didn’t need it anymore.”

“Good.”

There was a long and embarrassing silence between them; This subject wasn’t easy to talk and Seifer didn’t want to hurt Zell emotionally.

“You know…I don’t think I would have gone back on my feet without you.”

“It’s all thanks to Elise and to yourself. I’ve done nothing in particular.” Said Seifer, drinking his coffee.

Zell got up and went to sit on Seifer’s tights, enrolling his arm around his shoulder. “No. It’s thanks to you.”

“……” Seifer avoided his gaze. He was uncomfortable. “Then…why did you wait for so long to visit me?”

“I ran away when I heard you acting like the one you used to be, that’s true. I haven’t even tried to talk to you…but you didn’t need to test me lying this way. You could have told me you remembered everything.”

“In front of everyone and especially in front of Puberty-boy?”

“Don’ t tell me you were ashamed?”

“No…but when I was a kid, I saw how much you suffered to be in conflict with Squall.”

“It doesn’t explain why you played this comedy.”

“I wanted to give you the choice…between me and him.” Confessed Seifer. “I wondered how far we were willing to go for me…if you were capable to forget the past to give us a chance…but when I saw you giving up so quickly, I thought it was impossible, so I let you go back to your previous life.”

“You could have just asked me directly, don’t you think?”

“I’m not good with words.”

Zell sighted, putting his forehead against Seifer’s one. “Do you think I was happy when you left?”

“…….”

“I thought about you every day. I looked for you everywhere with Ward. I was worried, wondering where you could be, if you were in danger or…”

  “I’m not a kid anymore.”

“But you can’t tell me to not worry for you while I passed almost a year with you. Did you really think that I could have forgotten you in six months?”

“I thought you did.”

“Then you were wrong.”

 Seifer looked away, but Zell made him look at him in the eyes.

“Hey. I forgave you for what happened a long time ago. What you’ve done for me at Barhein means more than all the bad things you could have done or said to me in the past.”

“……”

“I thought a lot since you left and I can’t let the past empoisoning my life this way. I don’t think it was what my father and Lydia would have wanted for me…so, if you still want me, can I stay by your side?”

“Do you want my company?”

“I want more than your company.”

“And I want more than your body.”

“I hope so…because my ass won’t available tonight!”

Seifer raised an eyebrow. “I said I wanted more than your body but it doesn’t mean that I can be satisfied only with feelings, you know?”

They laughed together and kissed again.

“I’ll make you feel even better tonight.”

 “I don’t think you can make it better.”

“You underestimate me again, Chicken…”

“I would say you overestimate yourself, Perverted brat!”

“Brat? I’m older than you!”

“Oh really? But if I remember, you were still a kid about six months ago. A lovely child who sang me lullabies when I was sad, or who cut my meat for me, or…”

“Wait, wait…I’ve never done this for you.” Blushed Seifer.

“Yes you did. I saw you at the refectory in Barhein. You were so cute!!”

“Ok. You won another session of “training”!”

“Training?”

Seifer grabbed Zell by the waist and carried him on his shoulder, to go to the bed again.

“Hey! Put me down!”

“You started. Now, take your responsibilities.”

“What did I start?”

“Provoking me recalling me these embarrassing events. Now I hope you had some rest because I’m gonna fuck you until you won’t be able to walk again.”

“Put me down, idiot! Didn’t you have enough yesterday night??”

“Don’t think so…” Then, Seifer threw Zell on the bed and jumped on him, forgetting completely the breakfast.

 

 

When Zell woke up, it was already lunch time. Seifer was still by his side, sleeping, holding him tightly. Of course, they had made love during the whole morning and of course, they were exhausted. But compared to the pleasure they took, the pain (for Zell) and the tiredness were insignificant.  

“Hey. Wake up.”

“Mmh…don’t wanna…”

“We can’t stay all the day in the bed.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m hungry and thirsty to begin with, and second, because we slept enough. So get up now.”

 “mmh…if you’re thirsty, I can do something for you…” said seductively Seifer, kissing Zell’s cheek.

“There’s no way I would drink your come if that’s what you mean.”

“What? I drank yours.”

“Well, that’s your problem. Nobody asked you to do this. Anyway, who would be that stupid to drink it?”

Seifer lifted his body to stay above Zell on his elbows. “Are you trying to make me angry on purpose? Because if you really want to fuck again, just tell me.”

“Why do you think that everything I say or I do is an invitation to fuck?”

“Is it not?”

“Of course not, you idiot! Damn! You’re even more perverted than when you were a kid…” But Zell regretted immediately to have said that when he saw Seifer’s face. “No, I mean…I didn’t want to say that…hum…”

“You knew what you bought when you came here, Chicken!” Then, Seifer removed the blanket and jumped on Zell again to have sex. The little blonde struggled to stop him.

“No, no, no! Not again! I take it back!!” But he renounced quickly when Seifer found his sweet spot and teased him.

They continued to make love, even after the lunch.

 

* * *

 

Ward was staring at the ocean, sat on a bench, at Balamb port, when someone called him.

“Ward?”

“Yeah?”

“I wondered where you were when I didn’t see you coming back.”

“Sorry Maggie…I was lost in my thoughts. I totally lost track of time…”

She sat at his side, holding his hand. “I saw you were thoughtful lately. Wanna talk about it?”

“Never mind. I don’t want to bother you with that. So? Why don’t we go to the restaurant for the dinner tonight for a change?”

“Ward.” She stared at him seriously. “Talk to me.”

He sighted. He even hadn’t the courage to speak about this.

“You’re thinking about Seifer, right?”

“Yeah…”

“I’m sure he’s okay.”

“I’m not worried for that. Seifer is strong. If he survived to Ultimecia, he can deal with anything…”

“I see. So you’re thinking about what Edea told you the last time we saw her at Esthar?”

“If she said the truth, I don’t understand why he…”

“Ward, it’s not your fault. But I’m sure Seifer probably had a good reason for this, so one day he will tell you.”

“Was I the only one to consider us as a family? Does he really want to keep me out of his life? What did I do wrong?”

“Nothing. You’ve done nothing wrong. Just give him more time and you’ll see. One day, he will come back to you.”

“When? Next month? Next year?”

She smiled tenderly at him. “Being a parent is complicated, darling. Sometimes you do your best and it’s not enough…”

“But what can I do if Seifer refuses to see me? If he really cared about me, you wouldn’t have left like this…or at least, he would have contacted me. Is it too hard to understand for him that I need him?”

“He needs you too.”

“I highly doubt that.” Ward kissed Maggie’s cheek and got up. “Never mind. Let’s go back to home.”

But she didn’t let his hand go, still fixing him.

“Honey, don’t be mad, but you must accept that your son isn’t a little boy anymore. You can’t expect from him to react and think like a child…he’s an adult now.”

“I know that. But I thought I deserved a little bit more consideration than that.”

“Ward, your son had a difficult life and I don’t talk only about his childhood. This thing with the sorceress and all…you should be more understanding with him, and more patient.”

“But all I wanna do is to help him! Why can’t he let me be there for him?” Ward looked down, ashamed. “You know what? Maybe I deserve this after all…”

“Why do you say that?”

“When he was a child, he hadn’t technically done all these bad things. He was still innocent. But now, he’s back to normal, which means he is what he is: the former sorceress’ knight. I tried to convince myself that I didn’t mind, but it’s not true…”

“Ward…”

“I’m ashamed to think that but…sometimes, when I think about what he did, I can’t believe it and I even wish that…he would have never been my son.”

She moved closer and hugged him in her arms.

“What sort of father could think that way about his own son? I reproach him to have left without telling me but the truth is that I didn’t want to see him growing up. I wanted to keep my innocent boy because I couldn’t accept what he is today…”

“I know, darling.”

“I’m so lost…I want to erase these bad thoughts.”

“I think he’s blaming himself enough for this.”

“I’m not even sure about this. The last time we saw him, he didn’t seem to regret anything.”

“But Edea said…”

“I know what she said. But Edea has a special bond with Seifer. Her affection for him has maybe blinded her judgment?”

“Do you think she could be wrong?”

“Actually, I hope she’s wrong. This way, it would be easier to deal with Seifer’s sudden departure. But if she’s right about the fact he didn’t forget anything, it means he rejects me…and I don’t know why.”

“He must have a good reason. Don’t give up on him.”

“I hope you’re right. Let’s forget it. It’s not like I could do anything right now since I even don’t know where he is.”

“Alright. Let’s go home. I’ll prepare the dinner.”

 

* * *

 

Zell opened his eyes, but this time, Seifer wasn’t in the bed with him. He got up and walked toward the living room. He grabbed his cell phone and wrote a short message before sending it.

“What are you doing?” asked Seifer from behind.

“Checking the clock.” Lied Zell. “I’m hungry. Did you prepare something?”

“What do you think I am? Your servant?”

“I recall you that I’m disable…” said Zell mentioning his left arm.

“Don’t use it as an excuse for everything. If you can use the right one to masturbate, you can cook.”

“Very funny…”

Seifer pinched Zell’s ass and went to the kitchen. The little blonde followed him.

“Hey…”

“What?”

“Don’t you miss your dad?”

Seifer felt a bit embarrassed by this question. He hadn’t seen it coming, but he tried to keep his poker face.

“I managed to live without him during almost twenty years, so no.”

“Have you ever thought that he could be worried for you? Or he could miss you?”

“Whatever.”

“What a good imitation of Squall!”

Seifer glared at Zell, furious. Hearing Squall’s name was enough to make him enraged. “You know, it was my line before he started to say it all the time…bloody pissy-boy, always coping me!”

“What are you talking about?”

“What? Don’t tell me you never noticed?”

“Noticed what?”

“Since we met, he never stopped coping me.”

“Come on! Just because he chose the same weapon as you and that he talks like you, doesn’t mean that he copied you.”

“What about Rinoa? Should I remember you that she used to be MY girlfriend to begin with?”

 “Talking about this, did you dump her or was it her?”

“Seriously? Nobody ever dumped me, Dincht.” Replied Seifer with arrogance.

“Of course…but why did you dump her?”

“She was trying to change me all the time and I didn’t support it. When you date someone, you accept how he or she is. But she can’t support when things don’t work as she wants. But Leonhart is a good and obedient dog, so it’s not surprising that he gets along so well with her.”

“Hey. Don’t talk this way about Squall in front of me, will you? He’s my friend.”

“Oh yeah! Sorry. I forgot I’m just your fuck-buddy…”

“What’s wrong with you? Are you jealous?”

“Jealous of him? Are you crazy?”

“Then, why do you react that way?”

Seifer shrugged. “You wouldn’t understand anyway. Forget it.”

But Zell was determined to continue this conversation. “Let me decide it by myself. Tell me.”

“I told you to forget it.”

“Seifer, you can talk to me. I…”

But Seifer lost control and yelled at him. “WHAT PART DIDN’T YOU GET IN “FORGET IT”??”

Zell stared at him, worried. Seifer noticed he was wrong to get so angry…when Zell seemed to be so concerned for him. He turned his back on him.

“Do you know what is it to see someone stealing your life?”

“What do you mean?”

“Squall…I know he never did anything to me in particular. But when I compare our lives, I can’t help to think that he stole my life. He has all what I always wanted to have…”

Zell let him speak without interrupting him. For the first time, Seifer seemed to open his heart to him.

“I did my best. But as far as I can recall, he was always in the way. He took Matron’s attention when we were at the orphanage, when I really needed her; he drew people’s admiration and respect at the Garden; I worked hard to be the best and just because Quistis pushed for this, Cid accepted to make him skip a grade. I was better than him, but they even didn’t consider me as I deserved. The more I tried to get people’s attention, the more they looked only at him. So I made sure to get my place, even if it meant to be hated.”

“But you recognized it wasn’t Squall’s fault…”

“You don’t understand. It’s as if I bought something you really wanted and you couldn’t have and that I broke it just in front of you. What would you feel?”

“......”

“Squall had always what I wanted but he never enjoyed it. I had enough to be in the shadow…For once, I wanted to shine. I wanted to be the light.”

“So…it was because of that?”

“What?”

“Ultimecia, I mean.”

“Sort of…there’s no point to try to be something that you’d never be. I was tired to have the second place all the time. You can consider it as jealousy. Maybe it is what it is. I don’t know and I don’t care. But when she came to me, for the first time, someone chose me over Squall. For the first time in my life, I was considered as I deserved….”

“You’re wrong. She didn’t choose you for this reason.”

“Yeah…I figured out later, thanks.” Replied Seifer, irritated.

Zell enrolled his right arm around his waist, kissing his neck. “You’re not born this way.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about, Dincht.”

“Being in the shadow or in the light…it has nothing to do with being on the good or on the right side. Sometimes, things happen and you can’t help it. You would like it works as you want but there’s nothing you can do to change it. I know what I’m talking about…believe me.”

Seifer noticed some sadness in Zell’s voice so he let him explain what he was saying.

“Do you know why I didn’t try to make you remember when you woke up? It wasn’t because I thought it couldn’t work between us since you were back, but because I was scared to lose you.”

“?”

“I already lost two precious persons in my life: my father when I was five and my girl-friend…who was actually pregnant when she died. You saw in what sort of state I was when I arrived at Barhein. I couldn’t help to blame myself for their deaths. Thanks to Elise you, I managed, making this therapy, to get over it…but before, I couldn’t help to think it came from me. I thought I was cursed or something because I provoked the death of the people I loved. My father died in a car accident. He wasn’t supposed to take his car to go to the town this day, but I was sick so Ma asked him to get some medicines to the pharmacy. I thought until recently that if only I hadn’t been sick this day, Dad would be still alive. Same for Lydia. It was the first time we went on mission together. I stayed longer than usual to check if everything was alright in the building and I didn’t see the bomb…If only I had left sooner, she would be still alive and we would have had our baby…”

“……”

“If I tell you this, it’s because I want to make you understand that I used to think like you. I used to think that I was born this way…that I was cursed and that I was destroying people’s lives around me. It wasn’t what I wanted, of course, but it was what I did involuntary. That’s why I wanted to die…to stop hurting people around me. But I never ever thought that I would give them more pain ending my life. So, when I saw you didn’t remember me, I thought it was better for you…I was scared to lose you, and to be honest, I’m still scared.”

Seifer faced him and grabbed his face with his hands. He kept staring at him and would see tears in Zell’s eyes.

“I can’t predict the future and maybe you’re gonna find me weak, but I’m still scared to cause pain around me, the same way as you think that you can’t be anything else but bad. What is done is done and we can’t change the past, so don’t look back.”

“But…don’t you think it’s unfair?”

“Yes it is. But what can we do? Did you like to be hated?”

“I’m still hated.”

“Not from everyone. Answer me. Did you like it?”

“No…”

“And I didn’t like to feel responsible from people’s pain. So why should we continue to think that way about us? Let’s just be what we are and let’s people think whatever they want.”

“Is that simple?”

“Yes. I don’t care about what they think about you because I know deep inside, you’re a good person.”

“Yeah…really really deep inside.” Said with irony Seifer.

“Well, when you never stop to tease me, it’s hard to see your good side immediately.” Joked Zell.

“Stupid Chicken.”

“See!”

Zell managed to make Seifer laugh, which was already a great victory.

“I understand what you say. But in your case, you just tried to find a reason to explain or someone to blame for what happened to your father or your girl-friend.”

“We’re not different. Haven’t you already thought that it would have been better if you hadn’t been born?”

“Yes…”

“I said it to myself more than once. In your case, you tried to explain why you never received affection from people: your mother or people around you who always preferred Squall. See, it’s the same situation. We never managed to get answers, so let’s stop looking for explanations.”

Seifer kissed Zell with passion, forgetting his questions, his doubts and his pains. Now, nothing mattered anymore.

“I wanna do it.”

“Again???”

“Yes.”

“But…can’t we slow down with sex? I mean, I’m…”

But when he saw Seifer’s face, he changed his mind. It wasn’t just for the sexual pleasure, but more to find comfort…to feel loved, as if he wanted to catch up what he missed in his entire life.

 

* * *

 

The next day.

Ward just finished to his breakfast with Maggie, when his cell phone rang.

“Who is it at this hour?” asked Maggie.

“Dunno…maybe Laguna needs me?” He grabbed his cell phone and frowned when he saw who was calling him. “It’s Zell.”

“Zell?”

He picked up the phone. “Hello?”

_“Ward? Hello, Zell’s speaking. Do I disturb you?”_

“Hi Zell. No you don’t disturb me at all. I’m with your mother. We just finished our breakfast. How are you?”

_“Oh! You’re with Ma? Say hello to her. I’m fine, thank you.”_

Ward repeated to Maggie what Zell jus said and she smiled motherly.

“Your mother kisses you. So? Where are you? I hope you’re enjoying your holidays?”

_“Of course I enjoy it. Thanks for asking. Hum…Ward, listen. Actually, I call because I’m something important to tell you.”_

“Ah?”

_“Yes…it’s about Seifer.”_

“Seifer?? Did you see him?”

_“I found him.”_

“Really? Where is he?”

_“At Fisherman’s horizon. That’s where I am right now. No need to give you details the way I found him but looks like he was there since he left Esthar.”_

“…..” Ward was torn between relief to know where Seifer was and pain to not have known he was there since all this time.

_“Ward?”_

“I’m still here…it’s just that I went to Fisherman’s horizon three times and I never found him…”

_“I know. To be honest, I discovered he was there by chance. The hostel’s tenant knew he was in town and lied when I asked her. But she finally told me where he was when she understood that I didn’t want to hurt him.”_

“Ah? But why does she protect him?”

_“Seifer gave her some help to refresh and repair her hostel. He also assisted her brother in his job when he broke his arm, so it was a sort of payback.”_

“I see. Tell me…how is he?”

_“He’s fine. Strong and proud as before.”_

“That’s not what I mean…”

_“I know. Well, to tell you the truth, he hasn’t forgotten anything…”_

“So Edea told me the truth…”

_“Matron?”_

“Yes. Edea talked to me after Seifer’s departure. She felt something strange with Seifer when he woke up…and when she saw his eyes, she told me he was lying.”

_“But how could she have known?”_

“You know she has a special bond with Seifer. Besides, since she was under Ultimecia’s control, she developed a sensitive power. She felt Seifer’s anger was too big to be sincere and she thought he faked to be amnesiac.”

_“Oh…”_

“Did he tell you why he lied to us?”

_“We had a long conversation, so I know why he lied to me, but I don’t think it’s for the same reason for you. You better ask him directly.”_

“Did he talk about me?”

_“hum…not really. But it’s not because he doesn’t care. Actually, thinking about you seems to be painful for him.”_

“Painful?”

_“Yeah. I’ve tried to talk about you with him, but he wasn’t at ease…I think it’s something you have to fix with him personally. I’d like to help you but…it’s better if you do it yourself.”_

“You’re right. Are you with him right now?”

_“I’m staying at his home but he just went to the town to buy some food. I took this opportunity to call while he’s not around.”_

“Do you think I could come? I mean…would he want to see me?”

_“Don’t give him the choice or he would run away again. I won’t tell him you will arrive so join us here.”_

“Ok. I’m gonna take the first train for Fisherman’s horizon and I’ll tell you when I would arrive.”

_“There’s no train before the day after tomorrow. But if you want to arrive sooner, take a train for Timber and wait for the first correspondence in two days. This way, you would arrive sooner.”_

“Fine. Thanks for your help, Zell.”

_“You’re welcome. Since you are with ma, why don’t you come with her? I know she loves travelling and this way, we could be together.”_

“Sounds good. I’m gonna ask her.”

_“Good. I have to go now. See you in two days.”_

“See you and thanks again, Zell.”

 

 

* * *

 

Seifer went back one hour later. Zell was reading a magazine in the sofa.

“I’m back.”

“Took you so long. Where were you?”

“I came to say hi to Gina.”

“Gina?”

“The hostel’s tenant.”

“Ah. I see. I hope it doesn’t bother her that I stay for free here…”

“No, she’s cool. Besides, she has other customers right now so it’s good you’re here because she really needed the room at the hostel.”

“Great. So? What’s for lunch?”

“Pick up what you want and I’ll prepare it.” Seifer moved away to reach the bathroom.

Zell approached and took a look. But something caught his attention. There wasn’t just food in the bag…

“Seifer?”

“What?” asked the tall blonde coming from the bathroom.

“What is that?” Zell showed him a little bottle.

“Did you forget how to read? This is lube.”

“That’s not what is written.”

“Ok, that’s an aphrodisiac lube. Happy?”

“Do you think you really need it? I mean, a simple one would have been plenty enough…”

Seifer grabbed the little bottle from Zell’s hand and kissed him. “I’ve got plans for us tonight. That’s why I bought this special one. Beside, the owner told me it was very good so…”

“Don’t tell me you asked advises for this??”

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s so…embarrassing.”

“If you get embarrassed for something like that, I wonder how you’re gonna react tonight.”

“Didn’t we plan to slow down with sex?”

“I didn’t remember to have accepted that.”

“Yes but since I’m the one who is receiving, I have my word to say and I say ENOUGH! Are you trying to kill me?”

“Stop complaining, Chicken. You’re not convincing at all.”

 

 

At the beginning of the night, after the dinner.

 Even if Zell protested and claimed he had enough, he just couldn’t refuse and ended in Seifer’s bed, again.

“Am I forced to wear these handcuffs?”

“You said you trusted me so I could do anything.”

“I’ve never said that!”

“Yes you said it.”

“Ok, maybe I said it but I wasn’t talking about sex! Take it off!”

“No way.”

“But…it’s useless. I mean, I can’t use my left arm so why do you need to tie me?”

“I like to see you in this position…so submissive.”

“I let you fuck me. If it’s not submissive enough, it’s that I don’t understand the meaning of this word.”

“Ok. Let’s begin.”

Zell was completely naked, on his back, his hands tied to the headboard of the bed. Seifer was on the top of him and was massaging his chest slowly. His touch made Zell’s nipples hard quickly.

“Seems like your nipples and your cock are already erect…” 

“Can’t you stop with your stupid comments, please? It’s already embarrassing enough…”

“If you’re that embarrassed, let’s cover your eyes…”

Seifer took a little towel and covered Zell’s eyes with it.

“No, wait…I don’t want to…”

“But I do, so shut up and just do what I say.”

Having his eyes covered gave even more sensations to Zell. His skin was literally burning under Seifer’s fingers and kisses. His nipples were pinched and bitten, then it was his cock’s turn to be toyed and sucked. Being tied and blinded was actually not bad at all. But when he was about to come, he felt Seifer’s thumb blocking on the top of his cock, blocking his semen.

“Seifer..i wanna come…”

“Sorry Baby, but you have to wait a bit longer.”

“But…” He couldn’t finish his sentence that he felt something cold entering his urethra. “Whoa! What is…what is it?”

“Don’t move or you’re gonna hurt yourself; it’s almost in.”

“What..ah! What is it? Take..it out..” complained Zell, struggling. But Seifer managed to block his moves and introduced the cold and long thing entirely. “Aaaaahh!!! Stop..take it out!!”

“It’s in! It really suits you!”

 “I told you to take..it ou…Aaaaahhh!!!” cried Zell. “What..what was that? It’s..vibrating!!”

“Yeah, amazing, don’t you think? I didn’t know they were doing these sorts of things for men…”

“Ah! Ah! I can’t..take it out..please..”

Seifer kissed Zell’s cheek and liked his salty tears. “I’m gonna take care of the back so you’ll be stimulated both side. Relax.”

He took the little bottle he bought earlier and put some liquid on Zell’s entrance before massaging it with his fingers. At the beginning, he was just rubbing the outside, sucking his cock on the same time, but it didn’t take long to insert one finger, then a second. Zell could beg, protest or cry, it didn’t work. Seifer was determined to torture him for the rest of the night.

“I think you’re ready now. I wanna be inside you.”

“Pl..please…the vi..brator…”

“Not now. Just bear with it.”

Zell was shaking hard. He was forced to contain his orgasm since two hours. He wanted to come but couldn’t with the vibrator in his cock. The lube made him hotter inside. It was probably for this reason that Seifer chose it. Plus, the position of his hands began to be painful.  

“Open your mouth.”

Zell did it and welcomed in his mouth Seifer’s hard cock. The tall blonde pushed it deep inside his throat, not roughly but enough deep to make him cough.

“Yeah, just like that. Use your tongue. Suck it all…” moaned Seifer suavely.

Zell obeyed. He didn’t know why he let Seifer do this to him, but the truth was that he didn’t dislike it. But after some minutes, it was Seifer’s turn to lose patience.

“It’s enough…”

He moved down and spread Zell’s legs widely before thrusting him. Some lube was leaking out and Seifer could feel how much Zell was hot inside.

“You’re very hungry, Chickie. You’re sucking my cock so hard…”

“Ah..Pleas..e let..me come..now..”

“Not now.”

Seifer started to move roughly. It didn’t hurt thanks to the lube and the preparation, but he wasn’t gentle at all. It excited Zell even more. He was lost in the bliss and wanted to be ravaged. The more Seifer moved, the more he felt good. His good spot was rubbed and teased again and again that the vibrator in his cock began to go out slowly. Unfortunately for Zell, Seifer had no intention to let him come immediately and he pushed it back inside with his thumb.

“No..pl..ease..”

“You know, you’re irresistible when you beg me like this, but you won’t make me change my mind. I will let you come when I would decide it…”

“S..sa..”

“Yes?”

“Sa..distic..bl..oody..fucki..ng pervert!” moaned Zell, irritated and desperate.

But against all expectations, Seifer untied Zell’s hands and took off the towel on his eyes. He grabbed him by the waist and made Zell impaling himself on his cock. By reflex, the little blonde tried to remove the vibrator but Seifer took his hand and stopped him.

“Don’t do that or I swear I’ll tie you again.”

“Pl..please..i can’t..take it ..anymore…”

“Just a bit longer.”

While he was penetrating, Seifer was also teasing Zell’s left nipple, biting it softly. Zell couldn’t focus on anything and tried to suppress his need to come. But he found the strength to stare at Seifer. Their eyes met. The tall blonde was smiling with affection at him, which made Zell blushing. They kissed deeply without closing completely the eyes, when Seifer moved his mouth to Zell’s ear. He kept one hand on Zell’s organ, stroking it, and the other one was pinching his left nipple.

His mouth caught Zell’s ear and whispered with a gentle voice. “I love you.”

On the same time, he removed the vibrator and pinched really hard Zell’s left nipple. At this moment, Zell literally exploded coming and screaming. Involuntary, he squeezed his ass which made Seifer come inside.

“Aaah! Aaaaaaah!!” ha almost broke his voice shouting. It was the first time in his life that he felt something like this. The pain, the pleasure…everything was mixed. He was coming from the back and from the front and he couldn’t stop ejaculate.

“Com..ing…again…can’t..aaah!!”

And without realizing, Zell pulled Seifer’s hair with his two hands. The other blonde continued to tease his nipples and noticed what just happened. But Zell couldn’t even see it. He was holding Seifer’s hair so strongly with his two hands that he almost tore it. But after few minutes, Zell found his cool again and collapsed in Seifer‘s arms. The other man collected his body and made him lie down on the bed. He covered him with the blanket and kissed his forehead.

“Good job, baby.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year, guys.

The next morning.

When Zell opened his eyes, he was alone in the bed. He could hear some noises coming from the kitchen. He slowly got up and when he tried to rise, he almost fell on his knees.

“Damn you, Seifer! Fuck! My hips hurt like hell…” cursed Zell, rubbing the end of his back. He started to remember the previous night. It had been really intense. Seifer had a huge stamina for sex, a bigger one than his own, which was already difficult. He managed to stay on his feet and put a shirt with his underwear before joining Seifer in the kitchen. He needed a shower but he was too tired right now to wash. Besides, there was a wonderful scent coming from the kitchen, so his stomach made him understand the shower could wait…

 

When Seifer heard some steps, he turned around, smiling.

“Hey. Already awake? I thought you were about to sleep for the entire morning…”

“Shut up, you bastard!” Zell glared at him and grabbed a chair to sit painfully.

Seifer took the time to observe him, smiling. Zell completely ignored him and began to prepare his toasts. Seifer filled a cup of coffee and deposed it on the table, with some milk and sugar. He knew Zell couldn’t support bitter things. The little blonde even didn’t thank him for the attention and took the cup. He added, as Seifer expected, milk and sugar. He was using his two hands normally, without even realizing.

“Did you sleep well?” asked Seifer with his classic smirk.

“Do I look to want to talk with you?” replied Zell, still annoyed.

“Why are you so pissed this morning?”

“You ask me why? Maybe because you fucking tortured me yesterday?! You idiot!”

“You didn’t seem to have hated that bad. I made you come until you became completely drained…”

“That’s the problem! My ass hurts and is full, thanks to you!”

“You haven’t showered yet?”

“I’m too exhausted for this…”

“Great! I will give you a hand.”

“No way in hell!”

“Why not?”

“I don’t need you and I’m sure you will use this opportunity to do more sadistic lewd things, so no thanks!” said firmly Zell, who continued to eat his breakfast.

“So rude…” regretted Seifer. “I thought you would have been more…grateful.”

“Grateful? For what? To have toyed me just for your own pleasure?”

“I was talking about the ”hand” I gave you…I suppose it’s easier now, right?”

Zell frowned. “What the hell are you talking about?”

Seifer understood quickly that Zell hadn’t realized yet that he could use his left hand, so he burst out laughing.

“What? Why are you laughing at me??”

“Damn, Chickie! You’re so slow…”

“Wanna fight, fucker?” Zell raised his fist in the air when Seifer grabbed it.

“Easy, easy…calm down.” He kissed his lips, still smiling. “No need to be so aggressive.”

Zell cooled down and sat back on his chair. Seifer really had the talent to get on his nerves.

“Hey. Didn’t you notice something different this morning?”

“What? You didn’t burn the toasts? You’re a bigger asshole than yesterday? You changed socks?” joked Zell.

“I was thinking about you. How do you feel?”

“As I told you, my ass hurts.”

Seifer rolled his eyes, exasperated. How could he be so blind and even do not notice he was using his two hands? He lost his cool and grabbed his left hand.

“What about this, moron??”

Zell blinked, even more surprised. “What about my hand?”

“You’re using your left hand! Stupid!”

Zell literally froze when he heard Seifer’s words. He looked at his left hand and realized he felt sensations. He began to move his fingers, then his hand, and the entire arm. He also touched his left hip, and the left part of his face, before understanding that Seifer was right. His handicap vanished. He could feel everything, as before…and he even didn’t notice.

“You get it now?”

“H..How..can I do that? How…” murmured Zell, searching answers in Seifer’s eyes. “Since when I…”

“Yesterday night.”

“What??”

“When we were doing it yesterday, you pulled out my hair with your two hands when you reached the orgasm. You fell asleep right away after that. I didn’t think you would be able to use your left hand this morning too, but seems like you can.”

“Oh God…”

“I’m sorry for yesterday. I know it was a bit painful but I had to push you.”

“I don’t understand…”

“You know, when we had sex, I noticed when you reached the climax that your fingers were shaking and even moving sometimes. You were more sensitive at this moment, so I thought maybe if I gave you an intense sensation, it could have stimulated you more…but it went beyond my expectations.”

“So…yesterday: the vibrator and all…”

“Yes. Plus, I have to confess it was really sexy to see you so submissive. I’m not that sadistic usually, but it was pretty fun.”

While Seifer was joking, he didn’t realize that Zell was crying. But when he noticed it, Zell jumped in his arms and hugged him tightly. The sudden embrace made them fall on the floor.

“Whoa! What’s wrong with you?” wondered Seifer, complaining.

But Zell didn’t reply, crying against his chest.

“Hey…don’t start crying again. You should be happy for this…”

“…”

“Hello? Are you listening?” asked Seifer, shaking his shoulders.

But Zell stayed mute, still crying. This situation was uncomfortable for Seifer. He didn’t understand why he was reacting this way, or he would say overacting. He didn’t seem to be happy at all…on the contrary.

“What the hell is wrong with you, Dincht? You’re not disabled anymore, so why are you crying for? I expected to see you jumping like a rabbit or something!”

“…”

“Come on! Say something. Stop acting like a pussy and be a man! Men…”

“don’t cry…” finally said Zell, finishing Seifer’s sentence.

“Yeah. So, why are you like this?”

At this precise moment, Zell remembered his last conversation with Elise. He understood what she really meant now. He had been afraid of Seifer because of this. Healing his handicap meant erasing the only thing which recalled him the woman he loved…but now, he was cured, it was the time to say goodbye to Lydia once for all. He stopped crying and smiled. It was harder than he imagined, but it was also a relief to be the one he used to be again…

Zell locked his eyes in Seifer’s ones, putting his hands on his cheeks, before whispering some words.

“I love you too.”

Seifer blushed. He had said that to Zell yesterday night, but he hadn’t received an answer…until now. He was relieved to see his feelings were mutual. He grabbed Zell’s hands on his face and they kissed passionately. There was nothing else to say, since everything had been said.

 

 

At the end of the day, the two men left their apartment to have a walk in the town. Fisherman’s horizon was a calm place where people had always something to do. At the evening, people were having a drink outside, in the pubs; fishermen were coming back to the port and some citizens were just walking in the streets, as the two blondes.

Zell was smiling happily, and even punched the air, like he used to do. It didn’t take time to get on Seifer’s nerves.

“Stop it. It’s annoying.”

“Here we go again! Each time I do that, you complain!”

“Then, why are you persisting to piss me off if you know it?”

“I’m a martial artist, moron! It’s my way to train!”

“Go and hit the wall if you’re so desperate. You look like a clown doing this!”

“Fuck you!”

“I would rather fuck you instead!”

“Use your hand, bloody pervert!”

“Can’t you help me with yours now you can use it again?”

Seifer laughed and couldn’t help to brush Zell’s hair tenderly. Actually, if it got on his nerves to see Zell punching the air, as if he was fighting ghosts, he missed his enthusiasm. Zell was back.

“You haven’t changed at all, Dincht.”

“I can’t say the same thing about you…”

Seifer lost his smile. Seeing his face, Zell immediately understood he said something he shouldn’t have.

“Was I that horrible for you to hate me that much?”

 “I don’t hate you. I told you that I loved you, remember?”

“You know what I mean. You used to hate me. Did I really deserve this hatred?”

“…”

In front of Zell’s silence, Seifer hid his pain, shrugging. “Never mind. Forget what I said.”

He began to walk again, when he noticed Zell hadn’t moved and was still at the same place. He turned around and fixed him. “What?”

“I return your question: was I that pitiful that you needed to humiliate me all the time?”

“Don’t exaggerate things…”

“I exaggerate? Don’t you remember what you made me endure?”

“Ok, I bullied you and I wasn’t nice with you, but I’ve never beat you or something…”

“I had preferred you beat me. Your words, your insults were more cruel and painful than any blow you could have given me.”

Seifer swallowed with difficulties Zell’s reproaches. He knew he wasn’t an angel, but it wasn’t at this point.

“Do you remember the day you put my pants down in front of everyone at the cafeteria?”

“Come on, it was just a bad joke.”

“Yeah…a joke. But I was just twelve when you did this. I’ve never been so ashamed in my whole life…and you know what? It gave ideas to the others after that.”

“What??”

Zell looked down, blushing. He walked some steps and sat, facing the ocean. Seifer joined him.

“After that, some students found funny to bully me. They often caught me in the training center or in the changing room…”

“What...did they do to you?”

“Most of the time, they played pranks as stealing my clothes and insulting me. But with the time, they went further. In the shower, they made fun of me, saying that I had a small dick and all…and one day, after the training with Instructor King, one of them grabbed me and put my boxer down in front of everyone. His friends were restraining me and…they spanked my ass until I begged them to stop, crying. Nobody went to help me…I learned that we couldn’t count on anybody this day.”

“…”

“I went back to my room and I stayed there during three days. I skipped class and refused to eat. I was just thirteen and I was ready to leave the Garden. Every day was a nightmare…and I had to support your insults in addition of that. I thought a lot about this day. I recalled this shame and I swore to myself that I would never let anyone disrespect me this way again. I had two options: leaving the Garden and giving up on my dream to become a seed, or becoming stronger. I chose the second one and I started to train. I took my revenge on them six months later.”

“Was it the time…when you fought with four guys at the cafeteria?”

“Yes. You punished me for that.”

“I recall you threw food over them and you kicked their asses pretty bad…but I didn’t know why.”

“After that, people respected me…at least, most of them. Actually everyone did except you.”

“So, you hated me for this reason?”

“I’ve tried. I’ve tried really hard to be stronger than you to take my revenge. But I failed. Everyone respected me. I wasn’t the cry baby who got his ass spanked in public anymore. I wasn’t that fragile little boy anymore. I was Zell Dincht, the only martial artist of the Garden. The boy who could beat everybody with just his fists. That was what I was for everyone, but not for you. You reminded me this time and I was afraid to be weak again if I couldn’t beat you. I was scared to lose my confidence. Every day became a fight to stand up to you and I can tell you it wasn’t easy.”

“I see. But why did you never come to tell me about what they did to you?”

“How could I have done that? The chief of the disciplinary committee was also a bully. If I came to ask you help, you would have laughed at me. Before you started to make fun of me, everything was fine. Everything started with you.”

After a long uncomfortable silence, Seifer spoke again. “Is there another reason why you hated me that much?”

“…”

“What about the thing I did to you in the shower?”

“Well, I have to confess it was also a reason…” Zell took the time to remember this moment before wondering: “Why…did you do that to me anyway?”

“I don’t know. I was just curious…and seeing you so uncomfortable and all excited me…”

“What? You mean you got excited seeing me panicked?”

“Kind of…I don’t think it was your reaction or your expression which made me horny, but more the power I got on you. I always looked for this. Having power on people is something incredible…maybe that’s why I joined her?”

“And…do you still like this?”

“What?”

“This feeling. I mean, having power on people and all…”

“Not really. It’s probably because I saw the other side of this feeling.”

“Which is?”

“Being hated.”

Zell remained quiet. With the time, he learned the way Seifer thought, so he let him explain what he felt.

“I wanted to have control on people to force their respect, their admiration…their love. But you can’t force people’s feelings, as you can’t buy it either.”

“You had admiration and even more. What about Raijin and Fujin?”

“Their friendship for me blinded them. They agreed with me for anything, even when I was wrong.”

“But they like you.”

“I like them too. That’s why I gave them their freedom.”

“I don’t understand you…”

“When I woke up at Esthar, I faked to be angry against them. Actually, there’s a long time I forgot our quarrel. They’ve done nothing wrong to begin with, so I can’t be mad at them. But I thought it was better for them to follow their own way rather than staying with me.”

Seifer put his hand on Zell’s hair, still fixing the horizon in front of him. “And to answer to your question, you weren’t pitiful at all. I didn’t know anything about what people did to you because of my attitude…sorry.”

Zell felt touched to see that Seifer seemed to regret his attitude. He even apologized, which was a miracle for a proud man like him.

“I didn’t hate you.”

“No need to lie, you know?”

“I tell you the truth. I didn’t really like you, but I didn’t hate you either. I even planned to avenge your death when I heard you had been executed.”

“Really??”

“Yes. Is that so surprising?”

“Coming from you, yes.”

“I saw you as my enemy when you joined Ultimecia, the same way you did.”

“And what about now?”

“I thought we already talked about this. Didn’t we?”

“We confessed our feelings, but it doesn’t say much more…I mean, what are you gonna do now?”

 “I’m still in holidays.”

Seifer rolled his eyes. “Damn, don’t play the naïve one! You perfectly know what I mean, so answer me.”

But Zell decided to stay naïve and replied with a kiss. “We’ll talk about it later. I’m hungry. What about you?”

“Do you really think you’re gonna avoid the subject with this lame excuse?”

“I do!” Then, Zell got up and began to run. “Hurry! I’m starving!”

 

* * *

 

Two days later.

Zell woke up before Seifer. He checked his cell phone and received a message. He was about to get up, when Seifer grabbed him by the waist.

“Where are you going at this hour?”

“Already awake?”

“I’m a morning person, contrary to you, Chickie.”

“Yeah…and also an asshole early in the morning.” Complained Zell, who released himself from Seifer’s grip.

He went to the shower, but couldn’t enjoy the peaceful moment that the tall blonde joined him.

“Want some help to wash your back?”

“Well, since you’re already here, you can be useful for once.”

“I’m hurt, Chickie. Why are you so cruel with me?”

“Oh yeah! I’m the villain now.”

The two lovers laughed and kissed under the hot water. Being in the same place and naked was the perfect reason for them to do more lewd things…

“What? Again?” asked Zell.

“You don’t want to?”

“That’s not the problem…”

“So what? Since when do you refuse a free fuck?”

“I’m not a whore, you know?”

“I’ve never said that. But you didn’t really think that I would have joined you just to help you without getting a reward in exchange?”

“The opposite would have surprised me.”

“But?”

“But…I wanted to prepare the breakfast for once so...”

“Oh…so nice of you! I like this initiative!”

“Actually, I planned to buy some pastries outside…”

“Fine for me. We’ll go after the shower, but let’s finish our business first.”

 

 

After one hour under the shower (and having sex), Zell and Seifer got dressed.

“Are you ready to go?”

“Don’t you want to have some rest?” proposed Zell.

“?”

“I mean, for once, maybe I can take care of everything and…you could enjoy? What do you think about it?” proposed Zell seductively.

“Well, I didn’t really want to go out, so it sounds good for me.”

“Good. Wait for me and I’ll come back soon.”

“Ok.”

Zell quickly kissed Seifer and left.

 

 

He didn’t go to the bakery but to the station. He was checking his cell phone.

Ten minutes later, a train arrived. The loudspeaker announced it came from Timber. Zell checked again his cell phone and received a message. The train entered in the station and people started to go out.

“Ma! Ward! Over here!” called Zell, waving his arms in the air.

Maggie and Ward saw him and they met together.

“Zell, darling!”

“Hi Ma. How are you? Did you have a good trip?”

But the first thing she noticed with Ward was the fact that Zell was using his left arm, as if he had never been disabled. They were speechless. When Zell saw they didn’t answer, he got worried.

“What’s wrong?”

“Your…left hand. You can use it again???” asked his mother. “How is it possible?”

“Oh…this. Yes. I recovered it.” He replied, smiling.

“Since when?”

“Recently, but never mind.”

“No way! It’s very important! Tell us.”

“Not now, Ma. I let Seifer at home and I didn’t tell him you were coming, so I think it would be better to see him first.” Zell looked at Ward. “Are you ready to face him, Ward?”

“Yes…but I’m a bit nervous. I wonder what he’s gonna say when he will see me.”

“I think it’s better if you go first. I suppose you two have a lot of things to talk about. I’ll wait with Ma at the hostel. This way, she could rest a bit.”

“Thank you, Zell. I really appreciate your help.”

“You’re welcome. Besides, I think I owe this to you and to Seifer. Let’s go.”

 

* * *

 

Zell took a room at the hostel. Fortunately, the last tourists left yesterday night, so there was nobody. He carried his mother’s bag and they went to the little cafeteria to have a breakfast, while Ward was having a conversation with his son.

“So, how are you, honey?”

“I’m fine, Ma. It’s nice to have some rest and the town is peaceful.”

“Yeah. You look really great. I can’t remember when the last time I saw you so happy was.”

 Zell smiled sadly. “Probably the time before Lydia’s death.”

Maggie bit her lip, uncomfortable. Of course she remembered the last time when Zell was happy…it was stupid to recall him this painful past. But her son grabbed her hand.

“It’s ok, Ma. I’m fine now.”

“I see that. There was a time that you even couldn’t pronounce her name without crying…”

“I thought I wouldn’t be able to recover from this.”

“You come back from hell, darling. But you held on and now you’re back on your feet.”

“It’s all thanks to Seifer. Without him, I don’t think I would have done it.”

She laughed.

“What?”

“It’s pretty funny to see that your salvation came from your eternal nemesis…”

“Tell me about it! But he still bullies me, you know?”

“Ah?”

“Yeah, but in another way.” Replied Zell, blushing. Seeing his reaction, Maggie understood quickly what he meant.

“Are you dating him?”

Zell blushed harder, hiding behind hi cup of coffee. He really spoke too much, but when he was happy, he couldn’t hide it.

“You can tell me. Ward and I had some doubts anyway.”

“Really?? Since how long?”

“A long time ago. Actually, we thought you two couldn’t have been anything else than a couple after what you shared. We didn’t see you staying “friends”…”

“What do you imply by “friends”?”

“Zell, I’m not blind. Ward neither. We understood there was more than friendship when you two were living at Barhein.”

“Oh…” Zell felt really uncomfortable now, but he couldn’t run away. “Was I that obvious?”

“You’re an expressive person darling. And Seifer was a kid at this time. Kids don’t lie so when they feel something, it’s written on their face…”

“I suppose I haven’t grown up…I’m still a kid.”

“You grew up…but maybe a bit too fast. You have been forced to be stronger young after your father’s death. So, if you could find your innocence again, I’d be delighted.”

“It’s not like it was possible…”

“Indeed.”

They remained quiet for awhile, taking the time to drink their coffee. The painful memories of the past couldn’t be erased.

“What did you think about me when you understood my feelings for Seifer?”

“To be honest, I wasn’t reassured at the beginning…”

“I can guess. I mean, having feelings for a kid…”

“I didn’t mean that way, Zell. Seifer was a child at this time, yes, but physically he was an adult, so it actually didn’t bother me. I guessed you were and you are still attracted physically by him. But I was worried for you. Your common past with him at the Garden was against your relationship.”

“I know…”

“And when Seifer became normal again, I was afraid to see him breaking your heart. It’s exactly what he did.”

“No, Ma. Actually, he left for me.”

“I don’t get it. What do you mean?”

“We had a long conversation about this when I found him again. He didn’t want to ruin my friendship with Squall. I was the one who ran away and who broke his heart.”

“Do you love him?”

Zell looked at his mother in the eyes, without embarrassment. He was sure about his feelings. “I do.”

“Does he love you?”

“Yes. He confessed his feelings for me before I did.”

“Fine. If you two are happy, it all matters.”

“Are you sure it doesn’t bother you?”

“Why should it bother me? I like him. It’s true that I haven’t seen him lately, but if he stayed the same little and adorable boy I met, I’m ok with it.”

“Well, I can tell you he is everything but adorable!”

 “But he makes you happy, right?”

“Yes.”

“So, it’s great!”

“Thank you.”

“I’ve just something intimate to ask you…you’re not forced to answer me.”

“Tell me.”

She took the time to choose the right words and said it. “Have you ever…done something with him while he was a child?”

Zell blinked. “What?”

“Well, during your trip here, Ward saw you…kissing Seifer, on the roof, when you three were sleeping at the hostel…”

Zell cursed himself mentally. “ _Dammit!”_

“I’m not judging you at all but…”

“We just kissed. That’s all.” Lied Zell. People didn’t need to know everything. Elise knew because Zell told her everything and besides, she guessed everything. It was hard to hide anything to her. But the others didn’t need to know, especially his mother and Ward.

“Really?”

“Really. Nothing else happened. It would have been wrong to do it with him in his state.”

She looked relieved. “I trust you. I have to admit that we wondered with Ward how far you two went, but I know you. I was sure you would have preferred to wait for him and that was why you encouraged him to go back in his past.”

“Yes. I’m sorry to have worried you that much with it.”

“Not at all! You two are so cute. I’m glad for you. But now, let’s talk seriously: how did you recover your mobility?”

Zell became completely red. He couldn’t explain to his mother that Seifer pushed him to an extreme orgasm for this. It was impossible.

“Hum…you know, Seifer helped to make some…rehabilitation exercises, and I recovered it one day…” improvised Zell.

“What?”

“Yeah, you know, I stopped doing it since a long time ago and…he forced me to do it again, so after few tries, I did it. It’s all thanks to him…he really helped me a lot.”

“It looks like you can’t do anything without him anymore!”

“We can say so…”

“It’s a good thing you called Ward to tell him. I hope everything would be alright between them…”

“I hope so.”

 

* * *

 

Seifer was listening to the radio, repairing a little gadget, when he heard someone knocking at the door.

“Come in!” he said, staying at his place.

The door opened and someone entered. Seifer was on his back, so he couldn’t see who it was.

“Why did it take you that long? I was about to come after you. I’m starving…” he said, thinking he was talking to Zell, when he heard a different voice.

“Hi Seifer.”

The tall blonde raised his head but without turning around. He recognized his father’s voice immediately. He didn’t dare moving during several seconds, when Ward made the first step and deposed a little bag of pastries on the table.

Seifer got up, still recovering from this surprise and gave an uncomfortable look to his father, who was smiling. Ward was so happy to see his son that he forgot everything at the second he met him again.

“You wanna…drink something?” he proposed.

“Sure.”

Seifer went to the kitchen and look for a glass and a cup. “Coffee, tea or…water? I’ve nothing else.”

“Coffee is fine. Thanks.”

His nodded and prepared it. Ward joined him in the kitchen, but staying away, to not invade his personal space. He didn’t know how to react with Seifer now. He noticed the bottles of beer empty.

“You had a party or something recently?” he asked, mentioning the empty bottles. Since there were several of it, he couldn’t help to wonder.

“No. I threw it when Zell arrived here.”

“Oh?”

“Didn’t want to tempt him…and I forgot to throw the empty bottles.”

Ward smiled, seeing Seifer’s attention. He could be an adult, but he still kept an adorable side of the kid he had been.

“I suppose Zell told you I was there, did he?”

“Yes.”

“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?”

“Because I was scared you ran away…again.”

Seifer glared at him, hearing the word “run away”. It was something he didn’t really appreciate because it meant he was a coward. But he didn’t reply and just held the cup of coffee to his father.

“Thanks.”

“…”

Ward was waiting for an explanation, a word, from his son. But nothing came. It was as if Seifer had nothing to tell him. So when he understood Seifer wouldn’t make the first step, he did it.

“Why did you leave, Seifer?”

“…”

“Why did you lie to me, pretending you didn’t remember?”

“…”

In front of his silence, Ward felt hurt. His son turned his back to him, still keeping silent. The poor man looked down, almost crying.

“Did you want to erase me from your life so badly? Was I a burden, a shame for you?” he asked with a cracking voice.

Seifer closed his eyes, feeling hurt to hear what his father was thinking about him. But he couldn’t blame him. People judged the others by the acts, not by the intentions…

“Do you remember what you told me when Zell was between life and death?” he suddenly demanded, still keeping his back on him.

Ward frowned, trying to remember. “Well, I said a lot of things this day…”

“You said it again after…but it was the first time you told me. Or actually that someone in my whole life told it to me.”

“What did I say?”

“You said: I’m proud of you.”

Ward recalled perfectly to have said that to him, but he wondered why Seifer was thinking about this now. “I meant it.”

“I know.” Seifer finally turned around to face him. “Can you say it again now, looking at me?”

“Why do you ask me that?”

“Do you still mean that today? Can you tell me eye to eye that you’re proud to be my father?”

Ward felt disconcerted. It didn’t sound like a question.

“You could pretend that when I was a child. About six months ago, I was just Seifer Almasy. An eight-years-old-boy. A child who didn’t know anything…but today, I’m not this kid anymore. I’m the sorceress’s knight again. I’m a war criminal, a public enemy who isn’t welcome in four continents. So, I’ll ask to you again, can you still pretend to be proud of me now?”

“Who said I pretended? Do you imply that I didn’t mean what I said?”

“We met before. You didn’t know who I was at this time. But I recall you didn’t give a flying fuck about me, even if you knew I was a kid, right?”

Ward looked down. He didn’t wonder what Seifer could have felt when they sent him to Barhein. “What could I have done with you? It wasn’t like you would have stayed with me anyway…”

“The truth is that you didn’t want to get this responsibility. It suited you as everyone to send me to Barhein.”

“I came back immediately when I discovered who you were.”

“Would you have done the same thing if it had been another child?”

“…”

“Of course not. And you know why? Because nobody wants to have to deal with the sorceress’s knight!” replied Seifer, angry.

His father accepted his reproaches in silence. He knew he was guilty.

“I don’t blame you for this. You can’t be proud to have me as your son. It’s not like you could shout out loud that we’re related, you, as an important personality in Esthar and a personal friend of Laguna Loire.”

“…”

“I suppose you would have been happier to have a hero as your son like Laguna has Leonhart. But you’re stuck with the villain. Sorry for you, man…” joked Seifer with irony. “I repeat myself, I don’t blame you. But please, don’t pretend to mean what you said, because we both know it’s not true.”

“I’m proud of you.”

Seifer laughed bitterly. “I’m no longer a kid, so I don’t need lies anymore.”

“You asked me a question and I answered you.”

“My ass! Keep this bullshit for yourself.”

“Why don’t you tell me what you really want to hear? It would be faster.”

“I want the truth but you don’t have the balls to say it!”

“I told you the truth!”

“FUCKING LIAR!” shouted Seifer, kicking a chair on his way. He showed his hands to his father, fixing him in the eyes. “Do you see these hands? I killed people with it. I didn’t just give orders during this bloody war. I also personally executed people who opposed me whit these hands.”

Ward didn’t break the eye-contact with his son. He had no intention to run away. He already knew Seifer’s past.

“Wanna know something? I sliced soldiers’ throats in person when they tried to desert, or to challenge me. Maybe you knew some of them? I tortured people too. Electrocution, lynching, burning people alive…I did all these things with these hands. I was ready to kill all of you for this bitch, just because I chose to be her knight. I didn’t give a fuck about you. And you tell me you’re PROUD to be my father?”

“Yes.” Replied Ward without hesitation. “I already know your past, Seifer. There’s s nothing I don’t know about you.”

Seifer was disoriented. He didn’t think Ward would still care about him after have confessed his crimes.

“Are you telling me that you’re proud to have a murderer as your son?”

“You were a soldier, not a murderer.”

“A war criminal.”

“A soldier.” Corrected again Ward.

“If you wanna convince yourself this way, it’s your problem, not mine.” Seifer moved away and picked the chair he threw on the floor.

“Is it why you left without telling me?”

“Why do you care anyway?”

“Answer me. Is it?”

Seifer seemed to be embarrassed by the question but he didn’t run away. “Maybe I’m bad but not at this point.” He said, referring to impose his presence to his father, knowing his crimes. Ward didn’t need to ask him more explanations. He already got it.

“You know, I was a soldier in the galbadian army before leaving for Esthar.” Began to explain Ward. “Laguna, Kiros and I were fighting against the resistance in Timber. That’s the way I met your mother…we never fought against them directly but we used to be galbadian soldiers.”

“I know.”

“But you don’t know everything.”

Seifer wondered what his father meant, so he listened to him carefully.

“After a last mission, we quitted. Laguna met Raine in Winhill and Kiros joined him there. But I stayed in Deling city.”

“Why?”

“Because I had the best memories of my life in this city…” Ward remembered this time with melancholy. “It was there that I met and fell for your mother. I thought several times to go to Timber, expecting to see her…but I always changed my mind.”

“You never went there even once?”

“No…it was too hard. I missed her every single day. Even today, I still can remember her scent, her beautiful smile…her kindness.” He smiled at his son. “You look just like her, you know?”

Seifer laughed ironically. “You mean by the way I fuck up in everything?”

“Why do you say that? She wasn’t a looser…and you aren’t either.”

“Not a looser? She had the choice between you and the other one and she chose a motherfucker who dumped her without even wondering how she would survive with a kid. I’m sure you would have stayed with her…even if I hadn’t been your biologic son, because you loved her.”

“Of course I would have stayed…” regretted Ward.

“I’m ashamed to have such a whore as a mother.”

“Don’t talk about your mother this way!” said with authority Ward.

“It’s a bit too late to play the paternal figure, man.” Joked Seifer. “Twenty years too late…”

“I don’t allow you to insult her.”

“How could you take her defense? She treated you like a shit even if she knew you loved her!”

“That’s my problem, not yours.”

“Not my problem? Are you kidding me?” Seifer literally burst in laugh with irony. “I’m the result of this fucking one-sided affair between you two! You were just a dick for her, so stop imagining that it was a love story or something like that!”

Ward was furious. He couldn’t support to hear someone insulting the first woman he ever loved. He was about to yell and answer back, but he changed his mind. He understood arguing with Seifer wasn’t the right thing to do, especially when he was there to make up with him.

“I really loved your mother, that’s true, and…I know she didn’t think the same way. She used me, but it doesn’t mean that she didn’t feel guilty for this.”

“How could you know if she felt guilty or not? Did she ever say I’m sorry?”

“Not verbally…but there are some words that you don’t need to say. In this case, your eyes speak for you. When she told me goodbye, I saw regret and shame in her eyes. There’s a long time I forgave your mother to have broken my heart.”

“People don’t respect you when you’re nice.”

“Is it why you’re so rude with everyone?”

Seifer took the time before answering. He already knew the answer but it was rare to see him opening his heart. “Sometimes, you don’t have any other way to draw people’s attention.”

“I see what you mean. But is it not a bit hard sometimes to be mean?”

“It becomes a habit with the time.”

“But don’t you want to draw people’s attention on you with another way?”

“I don’t want their attention anymore.”

“Even Zell’s one?”

“That’s different.”

“What about…mine?”

“…”

Ward didn’t know how to interpret his silence. Actually, he was afraid of his answer. But he needed to know.

“Seifer, listen: I can’t force or buy your love. If I’m a burden for you, if you can’t stand my presence, I’ll accept it and I will leave. I’ll disappear completely from your life, but only if you ask me and if you want it.”

“Why is it so important for you? Is it because I recall you my mother or because you feel responsible of me?”

“It’s because you’re my son and I love you.”

“Bullshit…” whispered Seifer.

“Why can’t you believe in me? I’m sincere.”

“I want to believe in you…I want it. But I can’t. You can’t make me believe in you when you say you’re proud of me.”

“Seifer…” but he got cut.

“HOW COULD YOU BE PROUD OF SOMEONE LIKE ME? TELL ME!” shouted Seifer, angry and desperate. It was if he was expecting something…an encouragement? Hearing a good point about him maybe?

Ward moved closer without ever breaking the eye-contact. “I’m proud of you because you’re brave.”

“What?”

 “In the war, there’s no wrong or good side, son. We just do our job. I know what I’m talking about. I’ve never even once wondered why we were fighting. I just followed the orders. This is what you did for Edea, and for Ultimecia.”

This explanation didn’t convince Seifer, but Ward kept talking.

“You didn’t let me finish earlier when I was talking about my past. I was about to tell you what I did after have quitted the army.” He made a pause and looked down, thinking about this time. “I worked at D-District prison, as a cleaner. After a quarrel with Laguna during our last mission, and because I was superstitious, I swore to serve an oath of silence, so it wasn’t easy to find a job where I didn’t need to talk. It’s thanks to an old friend of mine that I managed to find this job.”

Ward moved away to finish his cup of coffee. He sat on a chair but Seifer didn’t move. He stayed at his place, looking at him.

“You know this place, so you know what the guards do to the prisoners, right?”

Seifer nodded silently.

“I heard them, more than once, shouting, begging, praying, crying…and I never did anything. Do you think I’m better than you?”

“…”

“I just pretended to not hear. I’ve never wondered why these prisoners were there, if they were really guilty or not…or if they really deserved this. Some of them were definitely innocent or just politic prisoners. Others were just kids, eighteen-years old, sometimes even younger. I did nothing.”

“…”

“There were mornings when I didn’t see some prisoners. I understood with the time that they passed away after have been beaten or tortured all the night. And each time it happened or when they finished to play with the prisoners, I had to clean the interrogation room. I still recall the horrible scent of fear and death; the blood, sometimes urine or semen. Other times, I found teeth or lambs: fingers, hands and even…testicles. It was my job to clean this place, to erase evidences of this terrible time. I just did my job, closing my eyes. Even if I thought it was inhuman, I’ve never protested. I’ve never done something to help these poor fools. I received my salary and went back to my home every night…I ran away. I had lost everything so I became insensitive. People’s pain didn’t touch me, or that’s what I said to convince myself. In the end, I did run away.”

Seifer kept his eyes on him, thinking silently.

“I also have blood on my hands, Seifer. I’m not proud of myself when I think about this time. I could have quitted this job. I could have done something for these prisoners but it never happened. Who’s the most to blame between us? Tell me.”

“It’s not a contest.”

“Are you proud to have such a coward as a father?”

“You wouldn’t have done anything to help them anyway, or you would be dead today.”

“It doesn’t change anything. Answer me. Are you proud of me or not?”

“You can’t compare our situation…”

“ANSWER ME!” repeated Ward.

“WHO CARES ABOUT WHAT YOU DIDN’T DO?! YOU DIDN’T SEND PEOPLE IN JAIL AND YOU WERE JUST A FUCKING CLEANER!” replied with violence Seifer. He calmed down when he realized he just took the defense of his father…the same way Ward did earlier. Now he understood why he told him this part of his life.

“See…is it not painful to see someone you care blaming himself?” asked Ward, smiling.

Seifer blushed. “Who said I cared about you?” he said back, hiding his embarrassment.

“You don’t?”

He didn’t reply. Of course he cared, but he wasn’t an expressive person. He wouldn’t show what he felt in front of anyone. But it didn’t mean he didn’t care about his father.

Seifer’s silence was enough for Ward. He didn’t need to hear him saying he cared, because he already knew it. It would be nice to hear it, but with the time he learned to understand his son. He was like his mother…rude but kind and generous inside.

Seifer turned his back and went back to the kitchen. “I suppose you stay for dinner?”

“It would be great but I don’t want to disturb you…and Maggie is waiting for me at the hostel, so…”

”Bring her tonight. I’m sure Zell would be happy to have dinner with her.”

“What about you?”

“I wouldn’t propose you if I didn’t want it…” he replied with sarcasm. “I’ve got some food that I need to prepare before throwing it. Zell and I can’t eat everything so make yourself useful and help us to finish it.”

“Why did you buy that much food?”

“It wasn’t me who bought it but Gina, the hostel’s tenant…anyway, are you staying or not? You piss me off with your questions!”

Ward laughed, hearing his son so irritated. “Fine, fine…I’m gonna look for Maggie and Zell now.”

“Ok.”

Ward was about to leave, when he fixed his son. He was still on his back, washing a plate and a glass. He knew they needed more time to be close, but Ward couldn’t help himself. He wanted to show to Seifer that he was there for him, that he loved him…that he needed him. He approached slowly and brushed Seifer’s hair tenderly with his hand. An embrace would have been a bit sudden, but a gentle touch wasn’t that bad to begin with.

“I’m glad to have you, Seifer. There’s a long time I forgot the meaning of the word “happiness”. And…even if it’s hard for you to accept me after so many years you passed thinking you were an orphan, I’ll be waiting for you. As long as it would be necessary, I’ll be waiting. But please, don’t push me out your life…because I need you.”

Seifer remained quiet. He wanted to reply…but it was too soon. He just couldn’t. He stayed on his back and didn’t move.

“See you later.” Ward left and closed the door behind him. He didn’t expect any answer from him, but he was happy to not have been rejected.

“Thank you…Dad.” Whispered Seifer when Ward left.

 

 

Maggie, Ward, Seifer and Zell passed the entire night together. They had dinner and enjoyed a good time. Everyone was happy to see Zell so lively. It was as if nothing happened. His depression, his handicap, his alcohol addiction, his suicide attempts…everything seemed to be forgotten. It was different for Seifer. The time he passed trapped in a child’s mind during the last years let some scars. But strangely, it wasn’t a bad thing. With this experience, he learned to be humble and less nasty with people, especially with Zell. Yes, he still teased him, but not in a mean way. Besides, he also found a family with Ward, so it wasn’t that bad after all.

 

* * *

 

Few days later.

Maggie and Ward went back to Balamb, letting Zell and Seifer alone. The two lovers enjoyed the time they had, going fishing, walking in the streets or talking. Most of the time, they ended in bed, but they liked to be together, which worried Seifer. He knew the time was running out and that Zell would go back to the Garden soon. He wondered if a long distance relationship would work…but the truth was he absolutely didn’t want to let Zell go. On the other way, he refused to tell him. It was unfair to ask him to stay with him now he found his complete physical condition again. Being a seed had always been his dream, so he couldn’t ask him to renounce to his career.

Zell noticed Seifer’s mood changed lately. He could guess he was worried to see him leaving soon for the Garden. Actually, Zell didn’t really want to go back either, but he missed the Bgu. He knew Seifer liked living in Fisherman’s Horizon. It was a calm town and far away from Balamb and the Bgu. Even if sometimes they came here, they wouldn’t meet Seifer here. When a stranger arrived in Fisherman’s horizon, everyone in the city knew it, so this way, he could avoid people. He liked this situation and didn’t want to change the way he lived. Zell refused to let him behind, especially after all what he did for him. It was thanks to Seifer that he managed to stop drinking, to be happy and loved again, and also that he could use his left arm again. Seifer was a part of his life now and there was no way that he would renounce to him. But there were two problems: telling it to Squall and making him accept his decision; and making Seifer leaving with him, at least at Balamb. Being friend with Seifer had been hard to accept for Squall, but now, Zell and Seifer were lovers, it would be harder…And for the second problem, Zell knew Seifer didn’t want to go back to the Garden, or even to Balamb. It would recall him too many bad memories…

 

 

An evening, after the dinner.

The two lovers were on the roof, staring at the stars in the sky, in silence. Seifer was sitting behind Zell, pressing his chest against Zell’s back and enrolling his strong arms around his shoulders.

“Hey…you know, I have to come back to Balamb at the end of the week.” Said Zell, breaking the peaceful silence.

“I know.”

During a short time, nobody spoke. They knew this time would come. Zell slowly turned around to face him. He took his hands and rubbed it softly with his.

“You know…I wondered something…” began to say Zell uncertain, before being cut by Seifer.

“Forget it.”

“Huh?”

“I don’t want to.”

“What are you talking about??”

“I perfectly know what you’re gonna say and I say no.”

“But…I even didn’t say anything!” complained Zell.

“Let me guess: why wouldn’t I come back to Balamb with you? Wasn’t it what you wanted to ask me?”

Zell looked down, defeated. Yes, it was exactly what he wanted to say.

“Ok, listen…”

“No need to waste your time and your saliva, Zell. I won’t come back to Balamb.”

“But…”

“Stop insisting.”

“Can’t you at least let me finish what I want to say?”

Seifer hesitated. Nothing could make him change his mind, but he could at least listen to him.

“Fine, but it’s useless.”

“Thanks!” Zell took the time to think before speaking. If he had to convince Seifer, it was now or never.

“Ok. We passed a lot of time together during these last months when we were in Barhein. We learned to know each other better and…”

Seifer began to roll the eyes, exasperated, but kept silent. It didn’t stop Zell, who resisted to the urge to hit him.

“AND thanks to you, I found my confidence again.”

Seifer became serious again, looking at Zell in the eyes. He could see Zell was speaking with all of his heart, so he wanted to be serious.

“With Lydia’s death and my handicap, I felt useless. I always sucked it up when hard times came…but I couldn’t do it anymore when it happened to me. It was really hard to see people looking at me with pity and to not be able to fight as before. I felt so vulnerable…”

Seifer just stroked Zell’s cheek with his soft hand, keeping his eyes on him in silence. Zell just needed comfort. Words weren’t necessary.

“When I met the kid you were, I felt useful again. Despite my handicap, I could protect you. I could give you affection. I was the one, the only one in your life at this time. It made me feel so desired…and special. I don’t think you realized what it meant to me…”

“I saw that.”

Zell smiled. “Do you remember what you told me when you were sleeping in my room?”

“I said a lot of things…”

“Yeah, but I remember this one. You said “you’re the person I love the most in the world”.”

“Did I say that?” asked Seifer, smirking. “I don’t remember it…”

Zell knew it was a lie. Of course Seifer remembered it.

“You know, it’s at the time you said that to me that I decided to fight.”

“?” frowned Seifer.

“I kinda gave up when I woke after my accident. I tried to stay optimistic and all, but I lost faith in everything, even and especially in myself. Everybody already had someone important. I mean, Squall had Rinoa, Irvine had Selphie…so I thought if I disappeared, except my mother, it wouldn’t have been a great loss. People would have been sad few days and they would have been back to their daily routine. But when you told me that, I realized that you would be alone if I disappeared…that you would miss me, more than the others, so I thought I needed to get better for you. I wanted to do it for you, because you placed hopes and faith in me. I couldn’t disappoint you…but that’s exactly what I did.”

“Are you still talking about the “incident” in your room? How many time are you gonna talk about this? That’s insignificant.”

“That’s not for me.” Zell’s eyes were already full of tears, thinking about this time. “I hurt you…It could have been worse if you hadn’t pushed me away…”

“That’s it. Stop it.”

“But despite of that, you forgave me and you continued to help me. I made a terrible mistake but you never left my side. You stayed, even if you could have left with your father…”

“What I did to you in the past was a thousand times worse than what you did.”

“Anyway, I was happy with you, so when you left after your woke up, I thought I lost you forever. I already prepared myself to live alone for the rest of my life. But I kept hope to find you again…deep inside, I knew I would meet you again. I didn’t know it would turn like this between us but I’m glad.”

“It doesn’t change anything about my decision.”

“I haven’t finished.” 

Seifer stopped speaking to let Zell finish, keeping a little smile.

“I’m happy now. I managed to forgive myself. I allowed myself to be happy again and it’s all thanks to you. But I want to stay this special person for you…”

“The fact you’re gonna leave doesn’t mean that we have to break up…”

“I want to stay the person you love the most in the world…every day. I don’t want to live far away from you.”

“Zell, listen…”

“What is the point to be lovers if we can’t be together? I can’t plan my schedule. I don’t know when I could come back. I don’t want this, Seifer.”

“I don’t want this either, but what can we do?”

“Come with me.”

“No.”

“Seifer, please…”

“You can’t ask me this.”

“But the war is over since a long time now. Why can’t you forget? Matron would be happy to see you again and…”

“What about your friends? What about the people in the Garden? Did you think about this?”

“Yes but…”

“But what? I’m not welcome there and you know it. I don’t want to support people’s glares, the gossips, or their pity. You can’t ask me this!”

“I could say the same thing.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You can’t ask me to go back to the Garden without you either.”

“You knew as I did this time would come, Dincht. You knew that one day, you would have to choose between them and me.”

“So what? If I come back to Balamb, I have to renounce to us?”

“Do you remember what happened between Squall and you when he discovered we were friends? How do you think he would react when you will tell him we are lovers now?”

“I don’t care.”

“Liar.”

“I’m not a liar. I told you I loved you!”

“Don’t pretend that Squall’s opinion isn’t important for you because we both know that’s a lie.”

“I care about him…but I care more about you. If he can’t accept it, that’s his problem, not mine.”

Seifer avoided Zell’s eyes. He couldn’t return to Balamb. “Don’t ask me this, please. Ask me everything…but not this.”

“Don’t you have enough to run away?”

“I’m not running away.”

“So, why can’t you face them? Why can’t you go back to the Garden?”

The scarred man fixed Zell with a strange expression: something between anger and pain. “You can’t erase things with excuses or words. I hurt too many people there…and I don’t want to see Squall.”

“Can’t you at least try?”

“…”

“I ask you to try, Seifer. Could you do this for me?”

“…”

“Please…Just try to talk with Squall. I’m begging you.”

“Is it that important for you?”

“Yes it is. Squall is my best friend but you are my lover. I want to keep both of you. But if I have to choose, then, I will stay with you.”

“I don’t ask you to renounce to your career for me. Your place is at the Garden.”

“My place is by your side. Where is yours?”

“…” Seifer didn’t know how to answer. He lost his place in this world at the second he chose to follow Ultimecia...or did he ever have a place to begin with?

“Your father is at Balamb. You could be close to him this way.”

“…”

“And there’re some people I’d like you to meet. So please, come with me and accept to talk with Squall.”

Seifer wondered what Zell meant, but he could guess it was important for him. He could at least try to speak with Squall, just to please him.

“I’ll give a try.”

Zell smiled joyfully. Did Seifer just say yes? “Really???”

“Yeah, but don’t get so confident, ok? It doesn’t mean that Squall would accept my return, so…”

But Zell didn’t let him finish his sentence that he literally jumped in his arms, hugging him. “I’m so happy!! Thank you!!”

Seifer smiled and hugged him back gently. He took this opportunity to kiss him in the neck. “You know, I won’t do it for free…”

“No problem!” Zell got up and dragged Seifer by the hand.

“Where are you dragging me??” wondered Seifer.

“The bed. I’ll do anything you want tonight!”

“Anything?”

“Yes! Just ask and I’ll do it!”

“What a good boy!”

 

* * *

 

Few days later.

Seifer and Zell took the train to return to Balamb. Seifer was particularly nervous. There was a long time he hadn’t come back here, and the least he could say was that he wasn’t really happy to be back. He made a promise to Zell so he couldn’t turn back, but he also knew it wouldn’t work. That was why he accepted to talk to Squall. But this way, the fault would be Squall’s one.

 

They arrived at the end of the morning. They joined Ward and Maggie at the Dincht’s house and had a good lunch. Seifer was still a bit embarrassed to be with his father, but things started to improve slowly. After the lunch, Seifer and Ward were doing the dishes, while Zell and his mother were talking. Ward took this opportunity to have some privacy with his son.

“It’s good to see you here.”

“Hum…”

“You don’t look to enjoy your stay…” remarked Ward.

“Is that obvious?” replied Seifer with sarcasm.

“You don’t have to be so sarcastic, you know?”

“Then, don’t ask me stupid questions. Of course I hate to be there!”

“Why?”

“Well, let’s see: maybe because everybody in the town kept a “nice” memory about me? Or maybe because the Garden that I fought is there?” Now, Seifer was irritated. Couldn’t he understand by himself the reason of his discomfort?

Ward felt hurt. “Sorry…I thought you would have been happy to see me. I expected that my presence in Balamb would have been a reason of your come-back…but it seems that I was wrong.”

Seifer realized that he hurt his father with his lack of compassion and his coldness. Since they met again, Ward did everything to be close to him, showing his love for his son and accepting him unconditionally. And in return, Seifer did nothing. It didn’t mean that he felt nothing, but he wasn’t an expressive person.

They passed the rest of the time doing the dishes in silence. Zell noticed the sudden tension between them. He knew Seifer was stubborn and he wouldn’t make the first step. It wasn’t like he couldn’t do it, he just didn’t know how to do. 

 

 

 One hour later.

Seifer was having a nap upstairs. Maggie just left to the town to buy some vegetables for dinner. Only Zell and Ward were awake, downstairs. Ward kept the same sad expression since his last conversation with Seifer and was trying to clear his mind, watching the television. Zell interrupted him in his thoughts, joining him in the living room.

“Ward?”

“Oh, Zell! Can I do something for you?”

“I just wondered if we could have a little chat together.”

“Sure.”

Zell sat on the sofa, near of him. “Hum…I saw you arguing with Seifer when you were doing the dishes with him.”

“Oh…it’s not serious, don’t worry.”

“I know. I heard everything. But I also know that it really hurt you.”

“Well, I can’t deny it. Is he like this with you too?”

“No. I mean, he can be annoying sometimes, teasing me and all, but he stopped being so cold with me. But it’s a different story with you. You don’t have the same bond.”

“Sharing the same blood doesn’t seem to mean sharing a “bond”. I’ll remain a stranger for him as long as he will refuse to accept me.”

“He accepted you, Ward.”

“I’m a big boy, Zell. You don’t need to lie to comfort me. I appreciate the gesture but I’m ok.”

“I’m not lying.”

Ward smiled with melancholy. “He is really like his mother, you know?”

“What do you mean by that?”

“I’ve tried…I’ve tried everything to win Ana’s heart. I could have done anything for her. But it wasn’t enough. Nothing was enough. But…”

“But?”

“But sometimes, I could see in her eyes that…she wanted to give me a chance, to give a try to our story. I kept hope until the day she told me she fell in love and was about to get married.”

“She broke your heart but you seem to still be in love with her, am I wrong?”

“I love your mother, Zell.”

“I haven’t said the opposite. But I just can’t understand why you loved a woman who treated so bad.”

“Love makes you blind sometimes.” He laughed, looking at Zell. “What about you? You fell in love with your former bully. Would you have believed in it if somebody had told you this few years ago?”

“Not really. You’ve got this point.”

“Seifer is like his mother. When he loves, he loves unconditionally like his mother did with her husband, or like he does with you. But, on the other side, when he feels nothing, he can’t hide it. It is written on his face… “

“And you think he feels nothing for you?”

“I think it’s pretty obvious he feels nothing. He always gets mad or uncomfortable when I try to talk with him. I don’t know…maybe he’s ashamed about me? Edea told me he used to love watching Laguna’s movie when he was a kid. Maybe he would have preferred to have Laguna as his father?”

“Don’t thing that, Ward; Seifer really loves you.”

“I’d like so much to believe in you…”

“I can prove it.” Zell searched something in his pocket and held it to Ward. “Take a look.”

“What is it?” Ward took the document and opened it to read it.

“I found this about three days ago in his belongings. He didn’t tell me.”

Reading the document, Ward began to understand the nature of the document. He could barely believe in it.

“Seifer made a request at the civil register of Timber to change his name. He sent them a copy of your recognition of paternity because they thought he wanted to change his name to escape from his past. But, he can’t take your name without your agreement since the name Zabac is yours to begin with. So…I suppose he doesn’t know how to ask you, and if you would accept.”

“But…of course I accept it! How can he even believe that I wouldn’t want this?”

“Ward, Seifer didn’t forgive himself for his past. He continues to think about this all the time, and I guess he doesn’t want to put the weight of this heritage on your back…”

Ward held the document with difficulties. His hands were shaking because of the emotion. He was so touched that he immediately forgot his quarrel with his son.

“What can I do, Zell? I’m so happy…”

“Let him come to you. But please, never think again that Seifer doesn’t love you, because it’s wrong. He loves you very much and he’s proud to be your son. He just doesn’t know how to express his feelings.”

“Yes, you’re right. Thank you, Zell. It really cheered me up…”

“You’re welcome. But don’t tell him that I showed it to you or he would be mad.”

“Sure. I’ll be waiting for him until he’ll be ready to talk to me. I’m glad to see that he cares about me.”

 

* * *

 

The next day, at the end of the day.

“Hey, what are you doing?”

“Nothin’. Why?”

“Wanna have a walk with me?” proposed Zell to Seifer who was reading a magazine in his room.

“Not really…” said Seifer, embarrassed. “Not that I don’t enjoy your company but…”

“But you don’t want to meet people in town?” guessed Zell.

“Yeah.”

“No problem. We don’t go to the city center or to the land, so this way, we won’t meet people from the Garden or citizens. Sounds good for you?”

“But where are we going?”

“You’ll see. Come on. Let’s go.”

Seifer nodded and put his shoes on before following him.  

 

 

Zell already rent a car, so when they left the house, they went directly to the parking. Zell drove carefully and arrived fast at the edge of the town. He parked the car and got out with Seifer. But before, he took something in the trunk of the car.

“Let’s go.”

“Who’s the flowers for?” asked Seifer.

Zell smiled but didn’t answer. He just held his other hand to Seifer who accepted it, and walked. They arrived in front of a big open iron gate. Seifer realized they were in Balamb cemetery and understood quickly why they were here. He followed Zell in silence.

After five minutes walking, they arrived in front of grave.

“Hi Dad. Long time no see.” Said Zell.

He removed the dead leaves and deposed the flowers on his grave.

“I came back from my holidays, so here I am. Mom is alright, but I suppose you already know it since she comes to see you every week…”

Behind him, Seifer remained quiet. He didn’t know what to say.

“I didn’t come alone today.” Zell turned his head to see Seifer with the corner of his eye. “This is Seifer Almasy. My lover.”

The tall blonde blushed a bit. Of course they were lovers but it was a bit strange to hear it out loud.

“He really helped me a lot to get better…and it’s thanks to him that I managed to forgive myself for what happened to you. He takes care of me so you don’t have to worry for me anymore.”

Seifer put his hand on Zell’s shoulder to make him understand he was there and to give him some support. Talking to his father wasn’t something easy for Zell because it reminded him every time that he died a long time ago. Even after twenty years, he still missed him.

“I miss you, Dad. Take care of you. I love you.”

Seifer prayed with Zell for his father, before walking away, when his lover grabbed his hand.

“Wait.”

“What?”

“There’s someone else I need to visit, please.”

Seifer frowned, wondering who Zell was referring to. “ _Maybe his grandpa_?” he guessed.

 

 They walked few meters to arrive in front of another grave: Lydia Gin. Zell’s fiancé. Seifer felt really suddenly and moved back instinctively.

“I should leave. I think it’s better to give you some privacy…” started to say Seifer, when Zell took him by the hand and dragged him closer.

“Lydia…this is the person I love.” Said Zell without looking Seifer and fixing the grave sadly.

Seifer blinked. It wasn’t the first time Zell said he loved him…but saying that in front of her was embarrassing.

“After you died, I couldn’t forgive myself. Then, I thought that, in my whole life, I’ll only have feeling for you…”

Zell made a pause, still fixing the grave and without releasing Seifer’s hand.

 “Forgive me but…I found someone other than you, Lydia.” He couldn’t help to smile. “He’s clumsy, sadistic, proud, arrogant…”

“Shut up.” Replied Seifer, annoyed.

“But he’s also incredibly loving and he takes good care of me. I can’t help it, I love him.”

 

 

_Zell recalled the moment when Kadowaki told him what happened to Lydia. He had cried and struggled all the day. They had to give him sedatives to calm him. After few days, Kadowaki tried to comfort him._

_“Zell, I know it’s hard, but you have to keep faith. One day, you will manage to overpass your pain.”_

_“But…if I took a step forward..I wonder what will be waiting for me.”_

_“It can’t be worse than now. You’re a fighter. This is what Lydia would have wanted for you. She would have wanted to see you happy.”_

_“Lydia…” Zell had cried again and again. Kadowaki gave him her shoulder and listened to him all the day._

 

 

Remembering this time made Zell melancholic. At this time of his life, he thought it would be impossible to forget Lydia with another person. But today, he was here, with someone else, with his former nemesis, who became his lover.

“Lydia, I loved you very much. I really did. Thank you for everything.”

 

The two men left the cemetery. Seifer was following Zell, some steps behind. He had been really touched by his words but he didn’t know what to say.

“Zell…” began to say Seifer, when they met an old woman, carrying flowers. She recognized Zell and smiled at him.

“Zell. Long time no see.”

“Miss Gin. It’s been a while.”

“Yeah. This is the first time I’ve seen you here…” she looked nice with a comforting smile. “The one who leaves flowers at her grave every year…that was you, wasn’t it?”

“…”

Zell never met Lydia’s parents after the funerals. He felt too guilty to dare facing them. But he went often to the cemetery.

“I’m happy that you still have feelings for my daughter, but for you to still be caught up this…I don’t think Lydia would want that…isn’t it enough already?” she approached and touched Zell’s face gently. “We’ve never blamed you for happened, Zell. Lydia was happy with you and even if I miss her every day, I know it wasn’t your fault.”

“Forgive me for making you worry about me, Miss. But this year will be the last.”

She looked surprised but when she saw Zell’s face, she understood he finally managed to forgive himself and he turned the page. She nodded and said goodbye to him.

 

The two men continued their road and went back to home, in silence. Maggie and Ward weren’t there yet. Zell moved to the living room and threw his jacket on the sofa.

“Thanks for coming with me.”

Seifer approached and took Zell in his arms, pressing his chest against his back. He didn’t need to speak to make him understand how much he had been touched to have heard these words in front of his father and Lydia. Now he knew he had the first place in Zell’s heart and nothing else mattered anymore.

 

* * *

 

Three days later.

Zell and Seifer were still in Balamb. After a long period of hesitation, Seifer finally accepted to meet Squall. On the other side, Rinoa, Quistis, Selphie and Irvine had to fight really hard to get a positive answer from him. Even if Squall was continuing his therapy with Elise, he still hadn’t forgiven Seifer.

Squall accepted but he refused to let Seifer enter in the Garden. The meeting took place in Balamb land, near of the Bgu. Quistis, Selphie, Rinoa, Irvine and Squall were waiting. Zell and Seifer arrived, walking, thirteen minutes later, as it was planned. Moving slowly to them, Zell gave a last instruction to Seifer.

“Ok. Don’t be rude and try to be nice…or at least, to be polite.”

“Yeah, yeah…you already told me this five times since this morning.” Complained Seifer.

“Be serious, please. Don’t ruin your chance.”

“Fine…I will even suck his dick if he asks me. Sounds good for you?”

“You’re not funny at all.”

“Just kidding…damn! You’re annoying!”

“I want you make up with Squall. It’s important for me!”

“Stop imagining that things would be forgotten in one sitting, Dincht.”

 “I know…but try to not fuck up, please.” Zell stopped Seifer and forced him to look at him. “Please.”

“OK! I got it.” Said Seifer with exasperation.

 

 

Squall was glaring at his enemy, seeing him coming.

“Try to be calm, Squall. Don’t react if he provokes you and…” began to say Rinoa.

“I accepted to meet him, not to forgive him.”

“We all know you hate him, but this is really important for Zell. Try to stay calm, please.”

“I still wonder how this bastard managed to seduce Zell. It’s unbelievable.”

“Yes, but you have to accept it.” Said Quistis.

“I would do anything for Zell as long as it doesn’t involve this bastard. I already make a big effort to meet him, so don’t ask me more.”

“But maybe Seifer will apologize?” told Selphie with hope. “I mean, he changed a lot and if he became Zell’s lover, that means he changed in a good way.”

“Stop dreaming, Selphie. Seifer is a bastard and he would remain a bastard.”

Rinoa sighted, desperate. “You’re so stubborn…”

“How could you be so nice with him after all what he did to us and especially to you?”

“I turned the page and you should do the same thing.”

“I did it. As long as he’s far away from here, I won’t look for him. “

 

Zell and Seifer arrived. Everyone looked embarrassed. But Seifer and Squall were fixing each other without breaking the eye-contact. It was like a contest that no one of them wanted to lose…as if they were fighting.

“Hi guys. How are you?”

“Hi Zell. Nice to see you. Your mother told us for your hand. It’s great!” said Quistis to welcome them.

“Yes. Looks like I can train again normally now.”

“We’re gonna return on the battlefield together. We missed you, man.” Added Irvine.

“Thanks.”

They looked at Seifer after have greeted Zell. “Hello Seifer.”

“Hi.”

“So…how are you?” tried to ask Quistis.

“Fine.” Seifer replied without looking at her. He didn’t really want to talk with them and he refused to look away. He kept his eyes on Squall.

“Leonhart.”

“Almasy.”

After a long embarrassing silence, Selphie finally spoke. “Ooookaaay…maybe we should let you two talk?” proposed Selphie when she noticed the two of them wanted to hurry this meeting fast.

“We’ll be waiting there to give you some privacy. See you later, guys.” Concluded Rinoa.

Zell touched Seifer’s shoulder a last time and moved away with the group. They didn’t go far, but just few meters away. They were observing them, ready to divide them if things would turn bad.

The confrontation turned into a contest. Who would be the one to look down? The two men were really stubborn and nobody wanted to give up. But they couldn’t stay all the day without pronouncing a word, so Seifer broke the silence.

“Ok, let’s end this quickly. I know they are watching us, so I’m gonna be straight, Leonhart. I’ve no desire to come back to the Garden and you don’t want to see me back either. That’s probably the only point we have in common. I’m just here because it’s important for Dincht and because he asked me. But don’t misunderstand, I’m not looking for your forgiveness or anything. I don’t give a shit about what you think.”

“The opposite would have been surprising. I knew you were incapable to apologize.”

“Why should I apologize to you?” Then, Seifer smirked. “Ah…I see. You still think about the time at D-District, don’t you?”

The sudden memory of this period made Squall sick and furious on the same time. He just wanted to jump at Seifer’s throat and strangle him.

“How is your little dick? I suppose you have healed properly since that time, right?”

“Motherfucker…”

“Oh…so rude. Daddy Loire would be ashamed to hear his lovely boy talking so crudely.”

“What about your big fat and useless father?”

Seifer lost his smile. “Don’t you dare talking about him this way if you wanna live a bit longer…” he warned him dangerously.

“Or what? You’re gonna cut my dick again? I’d like to see you try without your army.”

“I don’t need an army to kick your ass.”

“Oh really? But if I remember correctly, you never won against me.”

“Our fights weren’t fair. You used guardian-forces and you upgraded your weapon.”

 “Excuses again…you’re too proud to admit you’re a loser. Poor Ward. Having such a failure as son…what a pity.”

Seifer swallowed his rage very hard, but he refused to lose face in front of Squall. Besides, Zell was looking at him. He couldn’t disappoint him.

“You think you’re better than me, huh, Leonhart? But you’re nothing. You wouldn’t have become what you are today if I hadn’t been there.”

“Stop giving you so much credit.”

“You know as I do this is truth. A light needs a shadow to shine. Without me to challenge you, to fight you, you’re nothing. You needed me to shine.”

“Bullshit.”

“Who needs a hero when there’s no villain? You needed an opponent like me to prove your worth. I gave you the world on a silver platter and you expect apologizes from me?”

Squall felt confused. A part of his ego had been touched by Seifer’s words because he knew deep inside the other man was right.

“I should be at your place right now. I was the best between us and you know it. You were just lucky. You found the right people in the right circumstances when I had to work harder than anyone else to have the same thing as you. You were Cid’s favorite since the beginning. Quistis’s crush. Zell’s idol. You always had everything that I wanted without even have needed to ask it. And you know what I’ve never supported in you? It was the fact that you didn’t want all of this to begin with. You wanted it because I wanted it first. That’s all.”

“What? Are you telling me that you wanted Quistis? That you liked Zell? You always treated him like a shit.”

“I confess that I had a crush for Quistis, but I forgot her pretty fast when I saw she just had eyes for you. For Zell, you’re pretty misplaced to talk seeing the way you treated him. You never gave a shit about him and now he’s your best friend? You just want him to keep him away from me. You’re just a fucking spoiled child, Leonhart.”

“I want to keep him far away from you because I know you’re gonna break his heart.”

“You can’t accept it, right?”

“What are you talking about?”

“You can’t accept that I succeeded where you failed. I managed to make him get better when you failed miserably.”

“You’re wrong. I’m happy to see that Zell got better.”

“But it’s not thanks to you. You just sent him far away from the Garden because he was a burden for you. And now he’s mine, you suddenly realized that he’s your friend?”

Squall had more difficulties to deny the truth. It was true that he hadn’t cared enough about Zell when he was down…

“Zell is blind but I’m not like him. You can lie to yourself, Leonhart, but not to me. You try to keep Zell far away from me with his job. You don’t want him but you can’t accept that he can be mine. You did it with Quistis and see what happened: you broke her heart.”

Squall felt even more embarrassed.  He had no word to answer.

“I heard her confession she did to you during the seed ball, in the secret area. I was chasing the people who weren’t supposed to be there at this hour when I recognized her voice. Maybe I’m a bastard but I’ve never been a jerk like you have been this day. Even now, I feel sorry for her.”

The brunette looked away. He lost this battle. These words were cruel because it reminded him his cold attitude toward his loyal friends, especially Quistis, who always defended him.

“But it wasn’t enough to take my first crush, or to keep Zell. You needed more. Rinoa.”

“…”

“You saw me with her earlier. You knew she was my girlfriend before meeting her at the ball, didn’t you?”

“…”

“You accepted to dance with her just because you knew she was mine. And after that, you didn’t have any problem to seduce her.”

“Why don’t ask yourself why she left you for me?”

“I don’t care about Rinoa anymore. I wasn’t in love with her to begin with. But once again, you stole what was mine. You took me everything.”

“I took nothing. You lost everything by yourself, that’s all.”

“I needed Matron. But when Ellone left, she passed all the time with you to comfort you. Our friends were always there to cheer you up. It was all about you and you again! And it was the same thing at the garden. I was the best and you arrived. I chose the gunblade, you chose the same weapon. You just needed to get Cid and Quistis’s favors and everything worked for you. I’ve tried to help you at Timber and the entire Garden abandoned me. If it had been you that Ultimecia had chosen, they would have done everything to save you…I had enough of you. I had enough to be your shadow. So, yes. When Matron gave me the opportunity to follow her, I didn’t hesitate. For the first time in my life, I was the chosen one over you. And after that, when she recovered, she completely forgot me. I just had Ultimecia. You’re a hero for the entire world. Your father is Esthar’s president. You have your friends and your girlfriend. What do you want more?”

“I want you far away from us.”

Seifer smiled. “No. That’s not what you want, Leonhart. You need me to exist. I’m sure your existence is boring since I left. Am I wrong?”

“Yes, you are.”

“Liar. So why did you accept to meet me today if you really didn’t give a shit?”

“What about you?”

“I already answered you. I do it for Zell.”

“Such a caring lover…how touching.” Mocked Squall.

“Jealous?”

“From who? From you??” asked Squall with sarcasm.

“I don’t know. Maybe you envy our sexual life? I mean, it should be difficult for you to have sex each time you see your dick, aren’t you?”

Squall felt the anger rising but kept calm.

“Do you know why I did this to you in D-District? It was because I wanted to see you suffering, yes, but it was also because I wanted you remember me, that you remember what you owed me, each time you would piss or you would have sex. I wanted you to remember that you stole what was mine. You stole my life, my destiny. But you can’t live erasing my memory. I would be there, in your life, forever, because I marked your body. You won, Leonhart, but don’t forget what your victory cost you.”

The brunette squeezed his fists really hard to remain calm. Punching Seifer in the face was what the other man was expecting.

“I don’t want to be your shadow anymore. I don’t need the glory, the fame or people’s admiration anymore. You can keep everything, I don’t care. So hurry up and tell me you don’t want me at the Garden, so we could go back to our daily routine without seeing each other anymore.”

Seifer gave a quick look to his watch. “I think we passed enough time to fake. It should be good enough to convince them we talked.” He made a sign to them, inviting them to come back, without even asking Squall’s opinion.

 

 

The group joined them.

“Hi guys. Good to see you didn’t kill each other.” Said Quistis.

“Seems like the commander and the sorceress’ knight have matured.” Replied Seifer, smirking. “We talked a long time and this is Squall’s decision now.”

Everyone fixed his attention on Squall, who continued to glare at Seifer. The blonde played the perfect game: he faked to have made the first step and now, he put the decision on his shoulders. If Squall would say no, their friends would put the blame on him and would accuse him to be selfish. On the other side, he couldn’t accept Seifer’s return. In these two cases, he would lose and Seifer would win. After a long moment of hesitation, Squall took a decision and spoke.

“Well…Seifer’s words really touched me. He has been sincere and we talked calmly and honestly. So, I decided to…give him another chance and to accept his return.”

Seifer’s smile disappeared immediately. This answer wasn’t the one he expected. He didn’t want to come back to the Garden but forcing Squall to say it, he would avoid a quarrel with Zell. Now, he was hoist by his own petard.

“For real???” asked Zell with hope.

“Yes. He can pass the seed exam after refresher training. But I’m sure Quistis would help him; Besides, I would have an opponent to train with. We don’t have any other gunblade’s specialist since he left. What do you think about this, Seifer?” asked Squall, smirking.

“ _Motherfucker_ …” cursed mentally Seifer. “It would be a pleasure to train with you again, Commander. This time, I will be careful to not hurt you…”

“No need to restrain. Besides, to use your own words “as long as you come out of the battle alive, you're one step closer to your dream.”

Zell was too happy to notice the tension between the two men. He jumped literally in Squall’s arms to hug him.

“Thank you, Squall! It really means a lot to me!”

“No need to thank me, Zell. Seifer changed in a good way and I want to turn the page. I hope it would work.”

“Of course it will.”

“Yeah. There’s no reason it wouldn’t…” added Seifer, with hatred.

“Fine! Let’s celebrate this! This is my round!” proposed Selphie. She ran to the entrance, followed by Irvine. Squall went after them, accompanied by Zell and Seifer. The blonde was particularly reluctant but he couldn’t say anything. Besides, he didn’t want to break Zell’s happiness; the martial artist was so happy that he was smiling like a little boy.

Behind them, Rinoa and Quistis were walking a bit apart from the rest of the group.

“It seems too good to be true, don’t you think, Quistis?”

“Do you really want to know what happened and what they said to each other?”

“No.”

“Me neither.”

“Let’s hope everything would be alright…”

“It would be boring if it would be too calm.” Joked Quistis. “We just have to watch them to prevent a drama, but I think Seifer was right when he said they had matured. They care about Zell too much to break his heart, so they will behave themselves for him.”

 

END.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter but i planned a sequel for this story too.   
> See you and thanks for your comments and kudos.


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